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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Fatherhood Unfiltered: Navigating the Complex Journey of Parenting and Community Support
Unravel the nuanced journey of fatherhood with our insightful guest, Akil Parker, who brings a wealth of personal experiences to the table. As a father to three children with three different mothers, Akil provides a heartfelt account of navigating complex family dynamics while keeping the children's well-being at the forefront. This episode promises to challenge your perceptions of parental freedom, commitment, and the invaluable role of a supportive community in fostering growth and resilience.
Join us as we explore the highs and lows of watching children grow into their own, capturing the bittersweet moments that come with their independence. Through thought-provoking narratives, including stories of unexpected behavior from a mother with a daughter in the Marines, we address the delicate balance between guiding our children and allowing them the freedom to make their own mistakes. Discover how being a consistent support system can lead to those much-needed teachable moments in your parenting journey.
With a focus on fostering intellectual curiosity and promoting positive father figures, particularly within the Black community, this episode sets the stage for meaningful discussions around the evolution of parenting roles. We'll examine the importance of quality over quantity in parental involvement and the critical role fathers play in their children's education. Tune in to gain powerful insights and inspiration for being an intentional and impactful parent, prepared to nurture your child's individuality and future success.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Thank you you. Hey, everybody, welcome back to Parenting with a Purpose. I am your host, donna Janelle, and I am your co-host, pamela, and we are so happy to be back here on this Thursday night live with Parenting with a Purpose. As you know, parenting is. We're bringing back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. Right? As I tell parents all the time, it is not for the weak, parenting is not for the weak y'all, it is not for the weak, parenting is not for the weak y'all, it is not.
Speaker 1:So tonight we're going to dive into another perspective, another aspect of parenting. Most of the time we have a lot of females on the show want to talk about parenting the good, the bad and the indifferent, right. So tonight we have our guest, akil Parker, who's been on the show before. Give it up for Akil y'all. What's up on the show before Give it up for Akil y'all? So he's been on the show before and he's talking about all this math. And if you guys remember, when he was here, he was talking about all this math. It was a lot, it was so much going on.
Speaker 1:But this week, tonight, we are diving into his perspective as a parent, as a father. He's going to kind of give us his journey of fatherhood the good, bad and indifferent and hopefully be able to reach out to some of the men out there, you know, who have questions about fatherhood, who have questions about are they good enough, not good enough, the things to do. What's the next step? Just really hopefully been able to reach out to the community so that we can uplift some of these fathers in the neighborhood. Because we know God, we know I'm about to preach y'all. I said we know God. Neighborhood because we know God, we know I'm about to preach y'all. I said we know God, yo, we know that it's so important for a father to be in the household, a father, even if you're not in the household, to be in a child's life so they, they can grow strong and be effective in this world, into this community. So again, akil, we thank you so much for coming to the show.
Speaker 2:I appreciate you for having me back and sharing your platform with me.
Speaker 1:All right. So I want to start off by you telling us about how many children you have, if you're married, single, divorced. Give us a little breakdown so we know the perspective you're coming from.
Speaker 2:So I have three children. I have technically two baby moms and an ex-wife, but when my ex-wife gets on my nerves, I refer to her as a third baby mom.
Speaker 1:Okay, when you said technically two baby moms, I'm like technically are they baby moms or are they not?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, but I think I joke about that, but I think that's important for people to know because you know I'm a statistic like a lot of other people. You know sometimes you know people that might be of a different like socioeconomic level or different educational level, like if they have those types of you know parenting formations that are more frowned upon, like people are more likely to be more critical. But you know people out here with multiple college degrees. You know sometimes we get it wrong too, you know we. You know those relationships don't work out. But you know the important thing is that you know you center the children.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And you attempt to be, you know, the best father that you can be. You know, no matter what you know, but yeah so, so yeah, I'm not not married, was married once, but I have to have three children. I have three children with three, three different people, and it's interesting. It kind of reminds me of teaching, because you kind of have to differentiate your approach. It's like teachers have to like differentiate instruction. You got to like differentiate your approach because're dealing with different people with different personalities, different. You know, you know different types of lifestyles and you know it's it could be a lot to manage, you know, um, that's why you know it's like, as you get older, you realize that you know it's not the ideal, like the whole, uh, I guess baby mom route is not as appealing as it might seem.
Speaker 2:Like when you're young and in your 20s you just want to be outside in the streets and you feel like you know there's freedom in not being, you know, in those types of committed relationships and then you realize that you actually probably get more freedom from being in those committed relationships you know, and also your priorities change as you as you get older as well too, but, but, but the focal point is always, should always be the children you know, and also your priorities change as you as you get older as well too, but, but, but the focal point is always, should always be the children, you know, should definitely always always be the children, and, you know, trying to learn how to be the best parents, you could be the best father you could be and you know, hopefully you have a, have a village, have a support system of other men that have have been through some things that you have yet to go through and you're able to, you know, seek counsel from them.
Speaker 2:But you got to be careful, you got to have discernment, because sometimes the counsel that you get might not be the most appropriate counsel sometimes.
Speaker 3:Right. So, akil, I wanted to go back. You were saying something about the children. Should, should be the center, like centering the children, like regardless of what you and the other parent or uh may have experienced or going through, or the reason that you may not be together, uh, you, you put that aside to make sure that you do what's best for the children. What does that dynamic look like for you, since you have three different mothers of you, of your three children?
Speaker 2:um, it looks like, uh, it looks like a lot of growth, looks like a lot of growth. That's what it, that's what it looks like. But, um, but yeah, I mean sometimes it, you know it involves like as honestly, like like what we might perceive as taking an L. You know it might take it because it might. Oh, there, as a father, ok, this is what I want for the child as a mother, you want this for the child, and then.
Speaker 2:but the but. If y'all are at constant odds, then the child ends up not getting anything. It's almost like it's almost like like US Congress like the Democrats want this, the Republicans want this, and if they can't agree, then the whole government gets shut down Exactly, and everybody suffers.
Speaker 2:So sometimes you got to give in, you got to concede what they say concede in order to win right, because it's really not about you. But a lot of times you get into those arguments and you be thinking back about, like you know, the relationship person. It's like you're not the relationship person, You're the father. Now right. So you got to leave it, you got to compartmentalize and be like okay well, this is not.
Speaker 2:I'm not boyfriend Akil, I'm the father Akil. So my needs and my concern and my ego is really not important right now.
Speaker 2:It's about what's in the best interest of this child. So sometimes it's like you got to let her win, or at least let her think she's winning, let her get what she wants and then, as long as it benefits the child, you know, just you know, because it's all about the child and that's. I think that's the lesson that that we have to learn, and I guess it can be difficult at first, especially especially if you're a man that is accustomed to getting your way, a lot Like maybe when you were being raised. Maybe you had parents that always gave you your way, maybe you had a mother that always gave you your way.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So you just have that expectation. In any type of relationship that you're in, you always want to get your way Right, and that's what you're accustomed to. But now it's not about you, right? You know, it's about the child.
Speaker 1:That has me going back to one of my first questions was like can you describe your journey into fatherhood? And then the second part of that is how did it change your life?
Speaker 2:Well into fatherhood. So my son, who's here and I see him, he's over there. His name from the Arabic means well. It has two meanings a new beginning and also a fresh breath of air. I think the fresh breath of air is more symbolic, but that meaning really struck an accord with me, because when I had him, I became a father. That was the first time in my life where I saw that there was another human being whose well-being was more important than my own. Right, I never put anybody's well-being on a consistent, regular basis, you know, ahead of my own Right. I never put anybody's well-being on a consistent, regular basis, you know, ahead of my own Right. It was a very generally a selfish person, right, you know, growing up. But I said, ok, well, now I got to put somebody before me now.
Speaker 3:Right, right.
Speaker 2:So that's when you know, that's that's pretty much how he got his name, where his name came from. Plus, like when he was mom was about to go into labor, I remember, because he, like, we were in the hospital all night and a young boy kind of like a big head so he was like he was like swelling her cervix, her cervix was swelling, so they said we got to do an emergency cesarean, right? So I think I, like you know, he put on all the scrubs and everything. You go and go into the operating room for the cesarean to be, you know, with the mother, you're going to go into the operating room for the cesarean to be, you know, with the mother, and I think I felt like I started hyperventilating.
Speaker 2:OK, so it also was like an appropriate name because of that too.
Speaker 2:But, but, yeah, but I think that was the one that at that point in particular, point in time in my life, I started to kind of look at the world differently and, you know, I kind of really shifted my, my values and my ideals, you know, and I had to put you know another person you know ahead of me, which was helpful because then later I ended up, maybe within a year after that, I ended up becoming a classroom teacher. Okay, I went into education, became an educator full time and as an educator you definitely got to put other people's well-being ahead of your own, because you got, you know, a lot of students that you got to be, that you're responsible for, um, and you know teaching is a lot like parenting. You know teaching is is a lot like parenting. A lot of the same positive qualities that good parents have are very transferable and you know we use those in the classroom, you know was it hard for you to adjust, not being about yourself anymore once you became a father?
Speaker 1:was it difficult? Because a lot, of, a lot of people, male or female, find it challenging to say, okay, even though I love this individual right, but I still have my old ways, I still have my old thoughts and you know, I like what I like when I like it and then when kids come around, they make you feel like the craziest, dumbest, threeest dude in the world.
Speaker 2:sometimes I mean, I would say it was, you know, with my first child. It was a transition, but I will say, you know, with, in all fairness, you know, in respect to you know, nassim's mother, even though we had our differences, she really did the lion's share of the work. You know, she did the lion's share of the work, so she actually made it easy. She made it easy for me, in a way. Shout out to her.
Speaker 1:We're in a good place now and I'm on tape right, this is live.
Speaker 2:This is live and it's on the internet forever.
Speaker 1:Show this to your mom. Show this to your mom. That's good, though. My other question is what has been the most rewarding aspect about being a dad?
Speaker 2:oh man, it's so many and the most challenging.
Speaker 1:So there's two parts the first one, what's the most rewarding, and then what's the most challenging most rewarding?
Speaker 2:um, just witnessing you know. So I would say the most rewarding and the most challenging is probably the same thing. Um, okay, watching them grow up. Watching them grow up is rewarding, just to see your children become like you know.
Speaker 2:You know to go through different levels and different stages, and phases of their existence and to become, like you know, more and more and more independent right, you know, self-sufficient, um human beings is rewarding, but then it's also sad at the same time, because it's a reminder that time flies and sometimes you just want to go back to that time when you were the center of their universe, because then they get older. It's like my daughter. She could care less if she spends time with me.
Speaker 1:How old is she?
Speaker 2:She's 12. She's about to be 13. She's at that age. She only texts me when she needs something you know.
Speaker 3:It hurts. They got so much stuff going on in their world.
Speaker 1:Now it's something else.
Speaker 2:I miss her being my baby girl, you know, but at the same time I see her Coming into her own, coming into young womanhood, navigating the world and the society, and I just hope that you, you know, I've prepared um her and well, all, all of my children, you know, as they grow. I guess that's, I guess, I guess, connected to that question is like one of my fears, one of my worst fears, is that I have, I have may have, failed to prepare them for the world that's out there, cause it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot out there. You can't prepare them for everything you can. Only you can do, try to do your best, but you know it's.
Speaker 1:It's crazy because, as a parent, as we watch our kids grow, it's like we we want to make sure that we supply them with all the tools necessary for them to be successful. And at the same time as they're growing though, it's kind of like I want them to grow, but wait, stay back a little bit. It's like a struggle up and down, in and out, and as the older they get, like when they start to voice their independency, and it's like, well, I'm still the mom or I'm still the dad, but yet you still have a voice too, and I want you to be able to grow and manage and be able to. I don't have to micro manage your life, but at the same time, we're so used to micro managing our children's life that sometimes it becomes challenging. I will tell you with my second to the oldest, the 18 year old, the one that's in the marines. So you know, try to make sure that she got everything that she needed so that she could be successful in the world, prepare her for the marines and whatever else the world has to offer.
Speaker 1:So this past christmas she she pranked me, right. Let me tell you what she did, and I was so like I had to share this, because we talk about letting our kids grow and hoping we put the best thing in them. So we knew that she was coming home for christmas and we won't see her probably for another three years now. So we were all excited for her to come Christmas. I'm telling everybody at work she's coming home. So then she was supposed to come home. Uh, one day and I was calling her all week, I was texting her, I was calling her all week. I'm not getting no response from this girl, like normally we're talking, we're texting, you know what's going on no response when I tell you, like not one thing. So I'm like immediately started praying, like all right, I feel something happened, but I don't know what happened. So I'm like I feel something different in my spirit. Something's happened.
Speaker 1:And finally, one day she called me and I was like what's going on? She said I got to tell you something. And I'm like okay, what's going on? She said I got to tell you something. I'm like, okay, what's going on? She was like I'm not coming home and I was like I kind of felt that and she was like I did something really bad. So now I'm like what do you do bad? Is it going to make you like no longer be a Marine? She was like I don't know, but I can't come home for the holiday and I'm up for evaluation about what happened. So I'm like what you do, right? So now I'm a certain mom, like, all right, I thought I put everything in you so that you could be okay.
Speaker 1:This girl tells me. So I went out with my friends and I was drinking. This is what she, this is the story she told me. I went out with my friends, I was drinking, I got really drunk and I started fighting. I was fighting somebody. So here it is, it's a mom. I'm like okay, take a deep breath.
Speaker 3:So I'm like calm down and in my head like, oh my God.
Speaker 1:And I said, listen, we had this conversation about drugs and alcohol. So I'm talking to her and not like trying to snap out on her and being like so disappointed. I was like, listen, this is why we had those conversations, because I know what's out there in the world. So we're talking and she's like started crying and everything and I'm like, all right, I can't dig a hole in her because she's already feeling bad about the situation. But in the back of my head it's like yo, I thought I prepared this girl for this stuff, like this. So the next day, all right, I prayed with her. I even got so deep. I prayed with her on the phone, she on the phone crying.
Speaker 2:It's a pretty good prank. Yeah, the next day listen.
Speaker 1:The next day I'm sending her scripture, I'm sending her motivational, I'm sending her a motivational YouTube thing, I'm sending a less Brown, I'm sending, like all these stuff, dion Sanders, like I'm sending her all this stuff the whole day, no response. I'm like, okay, guys, so I'm praying, don't? You know? I'm at work and I my my co-worker, her daughter was in the army and her daughter was coming home and I was like, yeah, unfortunately my daughter's not coming home. You know things got messed up, you know paperwork got messed up or whatever, because I ain't gonna tell her that she decided to be a drunk or whatever. Right, she said, well, what if it's a prank? She said that that same night. I said it ain't no prank, because she wouldn't do nothing like that. That's not her, it's not her character.
Speaker 1:So I get off of work, I go home and I'm still disappointed I'm not gonna see my daughter for Christmas, right? Because then I'm like I don't know where I'm gonna see her, because apparently she's going to Japan, so I don't know when I'm going to see her. I walk in the door, y'all, and I walk in the door and I'm fussing at my other daughter because it's like she cooked and there was smoke all in the house. I'm like I'm about to die. Here comes Lizzie walking down the steps. I cried, oh, she was home. She was home Because you text me like she's not coming home, yeah.
Speaker 1:I was like, so she texted me. Well, I walked in the house. She walks down the stairs Because I'm like who else is in my house? And she walks down the stairs. I cried like a baby and I said all that to say that we have to trust what we put in our kids. We have to trust that they're living the right way and they're doing the things and that kids are going to make mistakes right, because that's just life and that's their journey are going to make mistakes right, because that's just life and that's their journey.
Speaker 1:But I second guessed myself when she told me all this information. I was like dang, I was a bad parent. I thought I did A, b and C or whatever. And the fact that she just wanted to surprise me, that she didn't want nobody to know, like that girl been home since three o'clock that day in the afternoon, all that time at my house, I never knew. But just knowing that it's so scary to be able to allow your child to like to flourish, to go. Because we want to hold on to them, because we want to, we want to protect them Right, but we have to understand that what we put in them, they're going to have to use that in whatever way they feel necessary to use it and hopefully it's in the right way.
Speaker 1:But, I was so at that moment I said I shouldn't have let her go to the service. Look like.
Speaker 2:You know what's important about that too. That people should understand is like, even if there had not been a prank and that actually happened that would not necessarily mean that you are a bad parent right because you know I mean, human beings make mistakes, we make bad choices sometimes, um, but as long as you did whatever you could do to instill in her certain ideas and certain values and provide a foundation, Right.
Speaker 2:Because, you know, children are going to go off and do what they do. I mean, I went off and did certain things that my parents wouldn't have agreed with, but I was always able to kind of bounce back and I was always able to land on my feet because of what I was taught. Kind of bounce back and I, like, was always able to land on my feet because of what I was taught, and not just well from my parents but from other elders and old hands in my community. Good teachers I had, um, even if I deviated and veered off, I still, you know, I was able to land on my feet when things kind of got got a little crazy, um, and I think that's an important thing yeah like we as parents have to do, just try to just provide the lessons and the insights and and don't go all in on them when they do something wrong, like that's one of the things she said.
Speaker 1:She appreciated, though she and when we, when it was all said and done because I didn't know if I wanted to beat her or hug her, like I didn't know what I wanted to do, because I was just like what are you serious? But she said to me, she said one of the things that I appreciate, she you know she's laughing about we sending all this stuff she said but you gave me space to mess up. Yeah. She said that you offer some encouragement, you offer telling me that it's okay, we all make mistakes. She said you didn't go in on me like I was the worst person in the world, that I was terrible, you know all this stuff. She said you offered a space for me to mess up and she said I thought you were going to be so mad that you were just going to be angry about it, but you showed me something different, yeah, and I was like, wow, and she's the top of the class. So I thought she messed up everything about to get out the service.
Speaker 1:But no, she's a second in her class, so but it for a lesson for me as a parent, it's like listen, do what you can do, and like let children and let God do the rest, like you can't control, like they're not robots, right, we can't control them. All we can do is control what we do. How do we what we put in them? And then also, are we going to be like a thermostat or are we going to be a thermometer? We going to be a thermometer, so when, if I would have reacted to the situation, I would have been a thermometer, really, because I would have the temperature of me would have went up because of the atmosphere, right, like because what she's presented, instead of being um responded, I was like I would have been reactive, right, and that doesn't really help or fix the situation or even give some kind of grace to that situation.
Speaker 2:So I'm glad you bring that up because that's that's a challenge for me. That's always been a challenge. He can attest to that. Like you know, he's 19 and you know I, like we were talking about earlier before we started recording, is that like he was?
Speaker 1:the. Unfortunately he was the guinea pig first child.
Speaker 2:You know, I've learned a lot of lessons and, I've like, made a lot of mistakes in terms of raising him. And you know some of the same mistakes with my daughter, who's 12, but not as many, and you know but with my youngest you know, who's five. Now, hopefully, I won't make any of those mistakes, Because one of the things that, if I could be honest and self-reflective, I would say that I really did a poor job of providing him, and even like his sister, with space to make mistakes.
Speaker 2:I got it I didn't make it seem like it was safe.
Speaker 2:You know, and I mean I have my reasons for that, because I mean I'm out here, like you know, I'm studying, like you know, black history real heavy and I'm like I understand how America is for black men and it's like, you know, you gotta, you gotta, be on point, and you know, and I'm like I'm really trying to prepare you for this world that we in, but I wasn't able to like really balance that you know, that desire to like make sure he was on point.
Speaker 2:So when he goes out here into this, this white man's world, he's able to navigate and get everything that he needs and everything that he wants, while at the same time letting him feel that if he does make the mistake, it's okay, right. So that was something that I really did a poor job of and I try to do better at that, like now, now with him at this stage in his life, because, you know, I'm still parenting him, but it's just a different type of parenting. Like he's 19 now, so like the parenting role changes, is different from when he was nine or when he was five, because he needs different things now, right, which is something I'm still learning, which is also an interesting thing about parenting is like, as children are constantly growing and learning and we as parents, I guess, are constantly growing yeah, absolutely because because all roles change.
Speaker 2:as the parent that you are to your newborn baby, your newborn baby needs certain things. Right, that your five-year-old doesn't need. Your five-year-old needs different things. Your 10-year-old needs different things.
Speaker 1:Your 15-year-old needs different things, yeah.
Speaker 2:Then your 20-year-old, and then, if you end up with 40-year-old, 50-year-old children, they're going to need different things. They're still your children. They're grown men and women, but they're still children. They're still going to have needs. So your role as a parent is constantly shifting. And then when?
Speaker 1:you've got multiple children at different ages then it's like okay well.
Speaker 2:I've got to do this with this one and I've got to do that with that one. Again, we're back to teaching, classroom teaching, differentiating instruction. Yeah, I got to give different things to different, to different kids, but I think it's, you know, it's also important to recognize, like, when we could have did better. You know when we could have did better, because a lot of times, like you know, some people are kind of imbued with this idea. Well, you know, I'm the parent, so I'm right.
Speaker 1:You know, you got to be like.
Speaker 2:What is it again? Back to teaching a reflect. We call it a reflective practitioner. You got to constantly reflect and think like should I have did that? Should I have talked to him like that? Should I have talked to her like that? Did I go too hard or did I not go hard enough? You know Right.
Speaker 1:It's almost like a thin line, like you're constantly evaluating yourself and parenting, no matter what age they are.
Speaker 1:You know, I can tell you, and my first daughter is totally different than parents and these three younger ones like with her, like you said, like I didn't give space for mistakes, it's like it was almost like it had to be perfect like everything had to be perfect because, um, where I came from, where I grew up right and a mindset that you're going to be better than and I remember and I shared this story before on heroes when she had had that conversation was like mom, why do we have to live a porcelain lifestyle? I was like porcelain lifestyle, like what that mean. You know I'm like I didn't teach you all this stuff in school, what that mean, but basically what she was saying to me is that everything has to look good, be good and perfect. Like you sit it up on a shelf like there's no flaws in it, there's nothing, there's no issues, you know very fragile right, so so you don't want it to fall down and break, so you're doing everything to protect it how people used to be, like in the living room.
Speaker 1:You had plastic on your couch so that nobody sit on your couch and mess it up. You're sweating everything on this plastic right.
Speaker 1:So that's the same thing that she was trying to get me to understand. I think she told me that when she was like 13 and 14 and I didn't. I didn't understand it as well as I do now. It's like you want to create these again. They're not robots, right they have. They're human.
Speaker 1:They have thoughts and stuff, and a lot of times in parenting, especially when we're parenting our first child, it's we put on them what we want them to be, not necessarily what they want to be, and I think, um, not that they have to live their life, our life through them or whatever, but you want certain things to be a certain way for them so that they don't make the same mistakes, they don't run into these troubles.
Speaker 1:You want to protect them so much, but a lot of times when we do that, we do more harm than good, even though we're not intentionally trying to harm our kids. But by not doing self-reflecting, not really giving space for them to have a voice, we damage them more. So then they grow up and they 30 and they still in a therapy office talking about my mom and you, like I did the best that I could. Well, there are some things that we could have done better and moving forward. How do we change? And and I think for me that changed the trajectory of parenting. For me is when she began I allowed her some space to have that conversation and I never looked at it like that. I looked at it. I'm trying to make sure every A, b and C is done, but she's looking like I want to be free, I want to be me.
Speaker 3:I want to explore.
Speaker 1:I want to figure out what I like, not you telling me what I like.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, and I reflect because reflecting is like, like that takes time. It takes, like you know, moments when you're at peace, but a lot of times in our environments and in our society, like you might be a person working two, three jobs and you constantly on the go, and then you like raising your children and doing this and doing that and trying to stay active with this organization or whatever, and you might not have time to just sit still and just just think and just reflect. So I can see how it could be a challenge. You know to be reflective and you know, and then you got to value that too. Like you got to value like being reflective and like looking at your parents, you know, and you kind of got to see it as like a marathon, you know, not a sprint, like something that's never ending. It's like being a lifelong learner, like a marathon.
Speaker 1:You know, not a sprint, like something that's never ending. It's like being a lifelong learner. Absolutely, you're a lifelong parent. It's almost like you can never be a perfect teacher.
Speaker 2:You can never be the perfect parent Right but you can constantly improve. And then you're going to have good days. You're going to have bad days too, Because some days you might be up.
Speaker 1:Some days you might be down what's up like? Like you're really testing my inner gangster today. But I think that's the joy of parenting, right? I think the ups and downs and the outs, but at the end of the day, even the hardships and the hard times when you reflect back that you can find some type of joy in a situation or circumstance um but even though, as you said you, we can see why it's difficult sometimes for people to reflect, right, I call it reevaluate, self-evaluation because of busy lives.
Speaker 1:But now is the time where we need to change that, although that's the reason, right, hey, I'm too busy, I can't do A, b and C. But the other question I would have for somebody, when somebody says they're too busy to self-reflect or even just take that time out, how is life working for you now while you're not doing it? You know how's your parenting? How are you doing? You know? Do you have? Because, again, if we're giving all this energy to the world, to my job, to other people, what are we even giving to our children? Like they're getting the bare minimum of us right? Waking up, hello, how you doing? You know? A three second, how was your day? Not even really reflecting, even in their life, because we're so busy.
Speaker 1:So sometimes even the busyness of world, of the world, can cause chaos in the house, secretly, silently, and not even know it yeah so how do we show up for our kids, how do we be the parents we need to be, even with the high demand on the world?
Speaker 1:but, honestly, our children are more important than the world absolutely so I used to have that excuse like I'm too busy, I can't sit down, I can't do this, I can't do that. But then I thought, well, what is the priority here? So sometimes we think working, doing a, b and c is the priority, because we need food in our table, closing our children back in the shelter and that's like the back in the day approach, like they got to eat, right right, they got to be close, they got to have somewhere to live. But their emotional and mental standpoint is very important now. But before, children were seen, not heard. Now we live in a day and age where we need to hear our children and see them.
Speaker 1:So how do we do that, akil? How do you do that? I know that's heavy right In parenting. It's a challenge. It really is, because, again, what you said earlier is taking away your ego and not being selfish about it. So how do we as men? Because it's hard, do we as? How do men? Because it's hard. You know, moms, we do a lot of different stuff. But from a man perspective, how can that balance happen where you're really in tune and present with our children?
Speaker 2:I would say well, I guess it just well. One thing you can do is just create situations where you're spending time with them on a regular basis. Create situations where you're spending time with them on a regular basis, and a lot of times those, those conversations, will just organically come about, you know, but you got to figure out ways to to create that time, you know, and create those opportunities, whether it's, like you know, volunteering at the school, or maybe I know a lot of people that have, like you know, they they started out coaching, like little league, baseball or basketball or football, really because they, they want to spend time with their child, like I wanted my son. My son and my daughter was going to play. So, like, all right, I'm a coach.
Speaker 2:And then you spend time with other people's children too, but but you spend time with your child right, because your child is on the team and you know there's a lot of creative things that we can do.
Speaker 2:You know, once you put your mind to it, you know and you might say, well, you know, look at what other people are doing, like, how are other people in your community or even in your own family like, how are they able to spend time with their children outside of, just, you know, being inside the house with them, you know. Or those you know rides to school or whatnot, and then, just you know, try to see if that can work for you too. And then you end up just having those conversations with them, you know, with your children, and finding out, you know, what they care about, what they don't care about. You know what they like, what they don't like, and sometimes you need to read between the lines because your children might not be as descriptive when you ask them questions.
Speaker 2:Whether it's because they maybe may not have the ability to articulate how they really feel about things, or whether it's because they maybe may not have the ability to articulate how they really feel about things, or whether it's because they don't feel as comfortable with sharing certain things with you Either way, like you kind of just got to sit back and just kind of watch and observe, and you know, and also see how they interact with other people as well, at other people as as well, you know.
Speaker 2:Um, so yeah, I say like one of the things we can do as fathers is to just try to create opportunities to just be around your children more than than normal you know like be present, show up and really be involved, active and especially like so in co-parents and formations, especially because a lot of times in co-parenting, the mother may be doing the lion's share and she may be the primary custodial parent, and the child is spending more physical, more actual time with the mother.
Speaker 2:So the quantity of time that you're spending with your child may be less. So what you have to do is you have to increase the quality of that time.
Speaker 1:There you go, so when?
Speaker 2:the quantity of your time is less, you got to increase the quality of that time. There you go. So when the quantity of your time is less, you got to increase the quality of that time and that's when you get creative and you figure okay. So if I got to be the weekend dad right now, on these weekends, we got to really make these weekends pop. We got to make something happen, and it's not just about spending money and being the fun dad.
Speaker 2:We got to go to this place and that place and we always hanging out, but we're actually doing things that you know. We're spending quality time, things that our children are going to actually remember.
Speaker 1:I like that I like that quality because a lot of people rant. Oh, I spend time with my kids, I spend that quantity, that everything is always in numbers, right, right, you all this math.
Speaker 1:So everything yeah, yeah, you gotta quantify it, the numbers, but in actuality, like the quality is so important because the impact that you can make in such a short period of time, you know it could be lasting forever. Yeah, so I always tell people you know when they talk about I spend a lot of time with kids. So I'm like break it down. So I ask them to break down the time and what they're actually doing with their children and then they realize I'm here, but not here and as much as possible, what you want to do too right, because this happens a lot, right?
Speaker 2:um, the child is technically with the father, but the father's doing him right. The child is actually with his or her grandma.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right so as a father, you got to figure out a way to take your child with you. If you want to be outside, be outside, but be outside with your child. And if it's cold outside, make sure the baby got a coat on, right. But you know, like you know, spend that time, really. Spend as much time as possible, like you know. Spend that time, really. Spend as much time as possible, like you know, with your children. Don't just be like, well, you know, don't do it just to make it seem like to try to impress the mother and make the mother think that the child is really you're playing your part, when you're not really playing your part, because you know the girl might stalk you or she might stalk you on Instagram anyway, and she see you at the bar. Why are you posting pics and stories?
Speaker 1:Where my son at, where my son at. Then you get a phone call. Who got my daughter? That's what all that extra stuff come in at you got to post your pics with your kids.
Speaker 2:You got to post your pics with your kids.
Speaker 1:Don't have the kids in a bar, though Show that they're around when you're somewhere.
Speaker 2:If you want to be outside, be outside with your kids, right.
Speaker 1:I like that. That is so true because a lot of conflict does happen in situations like that. Well, I've seen you on Facebook and then there's a back and forth thing that's not even necessary. It's like listen, just don't. We don't have to play around with this.
Speaker 1:Like if you're gonna, because for me, like as a mom, if, if my child is going with their dad and they not with their dad, they could be with me. So stop playing. Like, if you like no, seriously. Like I don't like that pseudo stuff.
Speaker 1:Like, yeah, if you're gonna take him and you're gonna be with him and do whatever you only got every other weekend, let's get that straight. So let's count that. Let's count the hours, right, so you only have this short period of time because you're not showing up during the week, right? So if you're gonna have him for the weekend, you're gonna remove him from my house for the weekend. You better make it worth it, like spend time with my kid. If not, he could be home and I could be doing something else with that kid. And I think a lot of times again, people look at oh, I got my kid every other weekend. Or like I'm taking care of my responsibilities, right, but are you really so? I like that you said that, because a lot of times people they push them off to the grandparents, to the aunts or even the new girlfriend at home with the kids and their kids and you're really not taking responsibility for your kid, you're just providing somewhere for them to hang out.
Speaker 2:And there is, of course. I don't want to minimize the value of children spending time with their grandparents.
Speaker 1:Oh no, no, that's family, but let's keep it real. I don't want to minimize that. But yeah, cousins and everything, I don't want to minimize that.
Speaker 2:But yeah, like to your point. Sometimes it's like you know.
Speaker 1:I want them to know their family, but I want them to know their dad too.
Speaker 3:So would the grandparent or the uncle contact you if? They wanted the child to invest, the father taking it upon himself to do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because here's the thing like, well, that's so important about relationships, right, even in extended families, right? So, even though the father or whatever you have that type of relationship, but you should have relationship with the grandparents as well, because we're now in a community, because it takes a village to raise children, right? So I'm already going to be a commune with the grandparents and already have the child's already spending time with the grandparents as well. What I'm saying is that don't just play me like that, like you about to come get my kid and spend time with him and you dropping him off at your mom's house because you want to do what you want to do. No, I'm serious, like that happens a lot and then you try faking, you know, like, oh, I have my kid.
Speaker 3:Well, kids talk, so they are telling you yeah, they be, like I was at grandma's house today.
Speaker 1:We cooked some black eyed peas. It real is like because we got to really be intentional. I want to hone in on that because a lot of times people think that they're doing things. You know, there's a way that seems right, right and people think that they're doing something they're not really understanding. You're really not doing what you say you're doing. And this is so important because it's about our kids and if you ask any kid what's the one thing that they want from their family, their parents, and they say time and time, meaning not just like family, their parents. And they say time and time meaning not just like they spell it love. You know, they say time is love and love is caring and participating and involving me, right. So if we're not doing that, we're not being having. Parents are to the fullest. We're just really minimizing and really just tiptoeing around the real issue and we can see how our children are in the world right now and we can see why parenting is so important for us to be effective, so what?
Speaker 1:that's why I'm saying not saying that they can't be with other people, but at the same time, let's get it real like I need you men to step up. I need you moms to step up. Spend time with you moms to step up, spend time with your kids, spend quality time with your kids, do stuff with your kids, so that they're not just saying, oh, I hung out with such and such, I saw my dad or I saw my mom, right, but I didn't really have no interaction with them and that's the problem.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I want the brothers to understand this too. Man Again, brothers understand this too. Man, like those again, your children are gonna grow up fast. Like time waits for no man, like they're gonna grow up fast. So take advantage of those opportunities. And I think also we have to consider that we have to start to like covet our responsibilities and not allow people to take away our responsibilities, because that can happen too. But I think if we, if we place more value in in fatherhood and not just kind of see it as like, oh, I gotta do this again, like like a job we don't like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean like you know, uh, and, and you know it's because you know the fun stuff is, like the graduation, the birthday parties. You know we're showing up to the birthday party. Sometimes organizing the birthday party can be stressful, but you know it's like the you got to be there for the stuff that's not so fun, like exactly oh he's throwing up all over the place.
Speaker 2:So now I gotta we gotta clean all this stuff up. You gotta take all the sheets off the bed, you gotta get the bucket with the water and all that and like you know, and then you got to be up at four in the morning or you might, and you still got to go to work the next morning. You know all that. You gotta. You got to be there for the, for the stuff that's not so fun, the stuff that's not glamorous, um and that's the stuff they remember too like they remember, oh I remember, I remember, dad, I was throwing up and you did this or you did that.
Speaker 2:While you're there, I want you to talk about the unique role of fathers in their children's life the unique role yeah, because their father role is definitely different than a mother role yeah, I think, because I think that, from my standpoint, I think the main.
Speaker 2:So, again, there's a lot of similarity, as there's similarities between parenting and teaching. There's a lot of similarities between, like you know, being a father and being a being a man, and being a father as a provider and a protector, right, you know, I think that's fundamental. You know, being a provider and being a protector, and there are different ways to provide and different things, different things that can be provided, and there are different ways to offer protection. You know, sometimes protection is physical, sometimes it's letting your children know that you are that type of resource that they can walk the world, walk through the streets and walk in the world, knowing that they have somebody no-transcript Right, and as well as also, like I said, there are other types of protection, like education is a type of protection because you're providing information and guidance so that children can independently navigate the world in certain ways, because it's like, oh, my old head taught me this, or my dad taught me this, or my mom taught me this.
Speaker 2:When you know stuff, it's like, oh, I know how to now, ok, we're in this store and this is going down. Or we're in this place and this is going down. Oh, my people taught me like, nah, don't go over there. This is crazy. No, you don't want to do that, or no, you do want to do that, but do it this way Because somebody taught you that.
Speaker 1:That's a form of protection. I like that.
Speaker 2:Because sometimes people will end up in very unsafe and unfortunate circumstances all because they just didn't know no better. Because, nobody told them Right Now granted, a lot of times it's a parent when they were a child, nobody taught them either, Right?
Speaker 1:So it's intergenerational, absolutely.
Speaker 2:But you know. So there's certain lessons that fathers, you know provide, that mothers may not provide because they may not know, like that's not their wheelhouse. So you know, definitely, like you know, being able to provide things, and beyond money, you know beyond money and financial resources, but you know you know being protectors and protect them by providing education, letting them know that there's, like you know, physical protection if you need that. Because you know I mean that's always important.
Speaker 1:I like that, akil, because I think when we think about providing and protecting from a man's point of perspective, or even how we perceive it's supposed to be right, we we look at to make sure that we're provided for in the financial usually it's a financial right and that we're protected, physically protected. But I like how you expounded on the fact that providing protection is just not a financial thing and it's just not, you know, the security of physical. But education is a protection. Giving them wisdom and knowledge is is very important. Setting them up for the future is a protection of providing protection can you.
Speaker 1:Can you hone in on it? I heard the protection part right. Can you hone in on that? Provide part again, like what? What is providing look like for you?
Speaker 2:so, um, we'll provide a support, different types of support, whether it's well, I already mentioned, like the, you know the financial support if they need that, but you know providing conversations a listening a listening ear. You know different types of guidance, so many different types of guidance.
Speaker 1:Comfort, safety you know, I don't even think, pam, have you heard men really say comfort? I haven't heard that word from fathers comfort.
Speaker 2:I mean the comfort is balanced with some tough love.
Speaker 2:So that's one of the things that the children may not they're usually not going to appreciate it when they're young, but it's going to be those moments when they get older. Like you know what, I didn't appreciate that when they was doing it, or I had to do this, or I had to do these chores. But I didn't appreciate that when they, when they, when they was doing it, or I had to, I had to do this, so I had to do these, these chores, but I didn't understand what you was trying to teach me. But you know, then they get out into the world and it's like, oh then, but what happens is you see other people around you and your peer group and it's like they don't notice and they don't have this experience. Or like you know, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So then you look back and you're like, wow, so when he was teaching me that he was trying to really put me on, he wasn't really trying to harm me Right, right, right, that part he was trying to help me so one day I'd be able to be a self-sufficient, productive human being, because he knew I was going to end up in this situation and I was going to end up out here and I was going to have to like conduct myself, be able to conduct myself in a certain way. So, like, those things need to be provided. But yeah, I think comfort is important too. But there's comfort in just knowing that you like, knowing that you have a dad, yeah, knowing that you got a dad, like knowing that, you know your dad got your back. You know, for girls and boys, you know there's just comfort. You know, for girls and boys, you know there's just comfort. You know in that it's mental, you know just those constant, having those constants in your life and them not being variables.
Speaker 2:Again back to math, all this math, constants and variables. Constants are like they're there, they're going to be there, no matter what variable is like. It might be here Monday, they're here Tuesday, they might not be there Wednesday, they might not be there. No matter what variable is like it might be his monday, they're here. Tuesday, they might not be there. Wednesday they might not be there. It varies. That's why it's a variable, right, but there's comfort in knowing that, like you know that that father, your father's there and even if he's not physically there, he's not far, because you, he's one phone call away. You know if you need something or you need me to pull up, you know what you need. You know what you need a ride you need me to? Uh, I'll cash out you some money for uber. If I can't, if I can't give, come give you the ride, right, but um, you know different, different things like that I think that is so important.
Speaker 1:I know you know with my parents and struggle. A lot of it came because my dad wasn't in the household and I really didn't have much relationship growing up.
Speaker 1:I felt abandoned and rejected by him but, god had placed, placed two other men in my life, that kind of stepped in as a father.
Speaker 1:And now you know I joke a lot with people because where I had parenting issues with my mom and my dad because they fumbled me right and for whatever reason they did, you know they did the best that they could with what they did at the time but, to be real, they fumbled me.
Speaker 1:So whereas I felt like I lacked for years parenting, somehow God placed me with having two other sets of parents and because of their love and their relationship, it allowed me to actually rekindle with my parents and understand them and love them in a better way.
Speaker 1:So, whereas I had seemed like I was abandoned, had no parents, and now I have three sets of parents right, and when I have three sets of parents right, and when I tell you, everybody laughs and they think that they say I'm a daddy's girl out of all three dads, like I am a daddy's girl, because it's just that support and that security and that comfort. That's why I wanted you to hone in on comfort, because I am, although I'm, comfortable with my mom, but there's a certain level of things that I can share with my dad that I'm not going to share with my mom, because my mom could be more of a thermostat reactor situation, but with my dad all three of them I can literally sit down and have a conversation and they listen and they hear and they're not being reactive, they're really taking the whole thing in. So there is definitely a difference between fathers and mothers in both worlds. It's vitally important.
Speaker 2:And we're problem solvers. Not to say that mothers aren't problem solvers, but I think a lot of times we tend to maybe we won't address the emotional aspect of a problem. We just want to solve the problem.
Speaker 3:Alright, what you need. You crying out. You heard just out. And then, moms, we try to do it for you.
Speaker 1:We try to mom see the difference with us being problem, so we try to actually solve the problem and do it. Dad's like all right. So what did you learn from this? How you're going to do this?
Speaker 2:because I want to prevent this in the future. It's a teachable moment. I want to prevent this in the future because the thing is also like so, like, so, like, okay, if my daughter's crying. It's like, well, I don't want you to be crying, but like, let's reverse engineer the situation and back map and see, okay, well, what caused the problem? Okay, so, let's solve the problem. So, therefore, you can stop crying.
Speaker 1:So you won't need to cry if the problem is solved Moms.
Speaker 2:we can worry about that later. Let's solve the problem first. That is so good Like first things first, let's solve the problem, pam, what's your experience?
Speaker 1:different between your father and your mother? Like, can you relate to what we're saying?
Speaker 3:Yeah, Well, communication-wise, yeah, I would say that, Like with my dad. It was like with my dad. It was like you said. It was certain things I would share with my dad and then it's all right. Prime example if I know I did something at school, I'm like I want them to call my dad because I know how he gonna handle it versus my mom.
Speaker 3:She's gonna come up there on a thousand coming for me, and now my dad is going to come for them, and then when you get home, like why you do that? You know you don't got no business doing that like pull up type of thing, whereas mom is like dang, I feel like you just always kind of beating me, like whether it's your words, you know your action, but it's just like just ask me why I did that. You feel me you could have did the same thing, as dad approached it in a totally different manner. So it got to a point where we was at a certain age. She's just like, oh, tell them, you handle it Right, because I see how they respond to you and then I see how our relationship goes once I discipline them or how I handle the situation. I don't want our relationship to be like, oh, I'm keeping a minimum with mom.
Speaker 1:I don't want that Right right, I don't want that.
Speaker 3:So if you got to handle this area and I handle that area, that's what we're going to do that's good I like that.
Speaker 2:I remember, as a classroom teacher, one day I realized that, like you know, when I would kind of tell students, like I would threaten to call home, I would always say I'm gonna call your mom. And I, and I thought about that, I said, why do I always go to the mom, like, why don't I call the dads, especially if it's a young brother that's acting up? Because, like what I really wanted, because I realized that what I really I don't want to actually talk to your mom, I want to have a man-to-man conversation with your dad and I want him to know that his son, his son, is acting crazy right, so you need to have a conversation with him, like you need, so that he can then, in turn, have a man-to-man conversation with you right as as his young, his young son, um, but I think also that that's just like a bad, like a bad habit that, like a lot of us is like like teachers have because we tend to not include sometimes, like there is a culture in a lot of schools where, like the fathers are like second seeing a secondary yeah
Speaker 2:right, right, and that's something that's got to change too. So, like you know, brothers that are watching this, what I want them to also see as part and parcel of fathering is being present in the schools because, that's where your children are, just like you should be present and be known wherever your children are, absolutely, and wherever your children be at.
Speaker 2:people should know you and know who you are, know what you look like. So your children in school, five days a a week, ten months out of the year, eight hours a day. So the teachers should know who you are, the administrators should know who you are, the NTAs, the security guards people should know you.
Speaker 2:You should be known, just like if you live in a neighborhood and your child is outside, the people in the neighborhood should know who you are, if at in the neighborhood, should know who you are. Right, if at all possible, the school should be treated the same way. And I know a lot of us, you know, as, as men maybe we were boys, we had like negative experiences in school so we kind of want to stay away from that. Or, you know, the mothers tend to be more, maybe more proactive with you know um, education related, you know activities and registering people for school and you know filling out the paperwork and doing field trips and you know chaperoning and stuff. But we got to start doing it and it can't be well, those of us that are already doing it got to keep doing it, but those that aren't doing it, we got to start doing it and it can't be something extracurricular because, again, that's where your children are and you got to be present in those schools.
Speaker 3:And know what's going on. And that's good that you said that, because when I was filling out paperwork for my daughter's school this year and I was like looking at certain lines where it's asking for signature and it's like, oh, main parent, and then it would even like emphasize, like who the child stays with predominantly, and I'm like pause, like she were both of us. So we both going to sign this thing and I was like wow, like it's even gotten, that's bad Because it's happened so often.
Speaker 1:That's bad, like why don't?
Speaker 3:got two lines for both of us to sign Because it's not common, pam.
Speaker 1:It's not common for children to be raised in two pair households.
Speaker 3:as much as, but not even that At this school, at the charter school that my daughter goes to, I see so many fathers doing pick up and drop off, with so so they probably just assume so that's how they fake.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I'm like I see I actually know more of the dads than I do the moms. When I see the moms I'm like hi, like I think it's an aunt or something, like I'm dead serious. And then my daughter would tell me, mom, that's their mommy or that's so-and-so. And I'm like, wow, but the fathers are so present at this school that when I was filling out that paperwork I was like they need to start adding two lines, because then that's how parents get disincluded and they go straight to mom.
Speaker 3:Because dad wasn't even given a chance to put his information on a contact form. I saw the dad go into the front office and they're like, oh, who's parent are you? And he's telling them and he's saying certain stuff and he said I'm very present in my daughter's life and it was like well, why are you filling out two different paperwork? Because y'all only gave it to mom, y'all need to have my information too, he said I want the same leeway mom got is what I want too.
Speaker 3:So if y'all calling mom to let mom know, he said if y'all got apps, I want access to the apps, I want this, and that he had to be his own voice in. So what I'm saying is for both parents speak up, Let them know yes, they have another parent.
Speaker 1:I had to do that with my even you know, even going through divorce, like I had. I was putting his name on everything like this is who? Here's his email?
Speaker 1:here's his phone number same thing you send me. Send him so that we're on the same page, because it's something where it's just coming from one parent, because, depending on what that relationship is as I'm telling him stuff about his son, he could be like man you just sent. You know, I mean, but if we get the same information at the same time, like you can't challenge, or what if you forgot?
Speaker 2:to relay the message yeah yeah, and I think, and again I got, I like that, I like that story and there needs to be more that. We need more of that energy because, and also because oftentimes what will happen is the mother may be the main educational context, she may be take responsibility for the education of the child, so then the school knows that, so the school provides all the information to her. So then the information is then kind of funneled out to the father. But then what happens? If the mother, like you know it's an honest mistake maybe she just forgot to relay some information, or maybe she maybe we're not getting along this week, so it's like I don't want to tell them and part of not talking to him means well.
Speaker 2:Our daughter's messing up in math class, so you know he need to know that. But I ain't talking to him means well our daughter's messing up in math class.
Speaker 2:So you know, he need to know that, but I ain't talking to him Right? So how are you going to find out? So, as fathers, what we got to do is, yeah, we could complain and say, well, ideally, in the ideal world, the mother would be able to compartmentalize and put her feelings to the side. But we don't got time to worry about all that. What you can do as the father, you got to go direct to the school. You got to develop that direct contact and develop your own relationship with the school, because your child is there.
Speaker 1:That's what you got to do.
Speaker 2:We don't got time to play around with a bitter baby mom that mad at you this week but she's going to be cool with you next week and then mad at you again the next week after that.
Speaker 1:We don't got time for all that.
Speaker 2:We don't got time for all that.
Speaker 1:Actually, it's not even your child don't got time for all that Right, because they're missing out, because the child is the one that's going to lose.
Speaker 2:So you got to figure out ways to circumvent all of that. One way just go direct to the school Like listen, can you put me on the email list? You know this is. You know. Do whatever you got to do and it might not be easy, that might be annoying. Um, the school might not. The school might be run like a you know, a corner poppy store. It might be very inefficient or whatever but you got to deal with that you got to deal with it.
Speaker 2:It's just a reality. This happens because it's for your child and you gotta like you got to be willing to be uncomfortable. That's, that's part of parenting, you know, whether you're a mother or a father like part of being a parent is like being willing to be uncomfortable for this person. That that you brought into the world and you can see when you was having a good time, you know. So it's like it should be balanced Right. It should be balanced out Like so you're going to be a little uncomfortable because you was real comfortable once upon a time.
Speaker 2:You know. So that's just that's what happened. So, yeah, develop, develop those relationships with those institutions, anywhere your child goes, whether it's like swim practice or baseball practice or basketball practice or AAU team or whatever it is. If your daughter goes to the hair salon to get her hair done, know the hairdresser. You got to develop those relationships because that's your child.
Speaker 1:Y'all share a child, right so?
Speaker 2:it's not like this is the mother's child and you, just you know some random person that you contributed some DNA so you know she might fill you in on some things. You know it's like no, you got to assert yourself. You know you got to figure out ways to. You know, assert yourself.
Speaker 1:I like that because I think it's really just taking a responsibility really, because you can't say, oh, she didn't share that with me or she didn't tell me that, whatever. Well you, the dad. I'm trying to understand why, you ain't figured this out, or why didn't you go into this? Because sometimes I hear, a lot of times actually I hear, well, the mom didn't do this and the mom didn't Well, help me understand, You're a grown man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is your child. Why are you taking the extra steps? And let that, let that be your explanation, only one time, yeah, like the explanation though she didn't tell me okay, once, once you know she does it you don't move around now it's like.
Speaker 2:It's like fool me once, like you know, shame on you, fool me twice, you know, shame on me. Like you got it like okay, this happened once, all right, this, we're not about to do this. Ok, so you got one time to like not give me the information and hopefully you already have the relationship with the school and you know, and again, it's part of like it's a learning process, you know it's part of learning.
Speaker 2:You know it's part of learning as a parent. You learn what you need to do. You know, maybe with if you have children with multiple women, maybe with this woman you know she's very, very conscientious about sharing the information, putting information out there, like making sure you're tuned in, you're locked in. Another mother might not be as conscientious, she might have a lot going on, she might not be as organized, right. So you know, ok, well with this. Ok, this child, I got to be a little more proactive. Another mother you know it might vary. You know, okay well with this. Okay, this child, I got to be a little more proactive. Another mother you know it might vary, you know, from time to time. So I mean that's another part of being a father. You got to know the women that you had babies with. You got to know them. You got to really know them. You had babies with them. You got to know those women and you got to know how to navigate that relationship, especially if you know they're the primary.
Speaker 1:you know caretakers, you know so that you can be present. I like what you're saying here, because there's so many times that, just speaking with just families, it's always here. Well, she wouldn't let me do this or she wouldn't let me do that. You know, even when we had, you know, a couple seasons ago, when we had the single fathers on there and they were keeping real of the situations of how their relationships were with their baby moms and how literally their kids were being affected by that, and then my question I kept posing to them is just like there's a court system for women, take men to court For whatever reasons. I want my kid to say that, men, if you really want to be in your child's life, you will figure that out and you will make a way.
Speaker 1:Now I'm not saying it's not going to be hard or challenging, but hard and challenging should never be an excuse for you to show up as a dad. Yeah, yeah, you know.
Speaker 3:It's work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean you got to put the work in. Yeah, akil, what's that legacy or values you want to pass on to your children?
Speaker 2:oh man, um intellectual curiosity.
Speaker 1:Oh akil always dropping something up in here, intellectual curiosity see how strong I just can't even your son laughed over there. I was like yo, yeah, that's him.
Speaker 2:No, he know. Yeah, intellectual curiosity, no. But see, intellectual curiosity is important because a lot of times, like issues with education and issues in schools are like a lot of it could be solved if you know. Children are instilled with that value of just wanting to know. Like, if I just want to know, then it don't really necessarily matter how hard it might be, I'm not going to care because I want to know. So I'm going to push through and persevere through the difficulty because I really want to know, like I really care. But a lot of times like children don't have the intellectual curiosity right for various reasons, so they end up just kind of giving up. So when something seems difficult, it's like all right, well, I don't really care too much, but a lot of. But I also will say that as parents, fathers, mothers but you know, fathers, like we can help to build intellectual curiosity by modeling that for our children, like showing our children, like us, like doing research on random stuff, or like you hear something on somebody say something on TV.
Speaker 2:You have no idea what it means. It could be a vocabulary word Like, like what? What does that mean? Let them see you looking it up. Right, let me look this word up real quick. Or you know, you hear somebody talking about a topic and you go do some research on, or you order a book on it or whatever, like let them see that. Or and when they ask and here's, here's the pride of most important thing when they're young and children are so inquisitive, children, children, are like scientists. When they're young, when they first start talking, they want to know everything. They want to know what is this word, what does that mean? What's this?
Speaker 2:A lot of times we as parents, we got a lot going on. You might be tired, you might have had a long day at work, and we get annoyed easily. So, over time, when we shut them down when they're asking those questions, then, over time, when we like shut them down when they're asking those questions, then they're like oh, I don't like that feeling. So, oh, maybe I shouldn't be asking questions, maybe I'm asking too many questions. So, as parents, we got to like tap into that and promote that. So when they ask those questions, you got to like get excited when you hear them asking them questions.
Speaker 2:Like, and as fathers, like and if it's something you don't know, don't feel like, well, damn, I'm being exposed, like I don't know a whole lot. That's cool. Like you know what I'm saying, you can find it out. Like now we have tools. Like you can do the research. You know you can go online, you know you can go on your phone, it you know, just to get you a start.
Speaker 2:But but yeah, you want, we want, we want children to have, I say, for a legacy, I want my children to have intellectual curiosity so they'll like, they'll care enough to like, go figure stuff out and, like you know, really want to go figure stuff out. Um, what else, what else? Whatever type of legacy I think, um, just being being good humans. Being good humans that you know strive on a daily basis to Humans, being good humans that you know strive on a daily basis to, you know, make the make the world a better place and leave it better than the way it was when they first got here and let their, let their lives be a testament to that. And, you know, in all of the activities and all the actions and the work that they choose to do and the career paths that they may go on, or the entrepreneurship or just the activities, you know, just just leaving the world a better place overall and making it be and also see again, the math comes into play. All roads lead to math. It's all about. It's all about the net positive, because when people say stuff like that, I want people to get it confused.
Speaker 2:A lot of times people may misinterpret that as oh well, they got to be perfect to do that. No, you don. Of times, people may interpret, misinterpret that as oh well, they got to be perfect to do that. No, you don't have to be perfect because we're humans. Right, but as long as there's a net positive, meaning there's more positive than negative, right, it's more positive than negative. Is there's more positive than negative? Then that's great. And if more of us, if there was a net positive with more of us, then you know the world, the world will, once that happens that the world will start to be, you know, become a different place.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, definitely like striving to leave the world in a better place than the way they found it at all times and using their skills and their faculties, you know, to help those that you know may not have had the opportunities they had. Because you know my children, you know, have had opportunities, just like I did when I was growing up. I had opportunities that a lot of people didn't have right. So that's why I do a lot of the work that I do, because I'm trying to like share and level the playing field with people, because you know people always a lot of people that had the same opportunities that I had they kind of like to say things like, well, you know, you could have did this, you could, and I'd be like bro, like everybody did not have the same opportunities.
Speaker 2:And I know, because I'm one of the people that had the opportunities, I had a lot of opportunities and I know people that was just as smart as me, maybe smarter than me, but they didn't have opportunities right, they'd be in a different place in life if they had just had some of the opportunities that I had. So that's why I always try to, like you know, put people on with different information, different guidance, ideas, programming and whatnot. And I hope that my children do the same thing, because my children, you know, have certain opportunities that a lot of people don't have. So I hope they're able, instead of like taking those experiences and just hoarding them and keeping them to themselves, I want them to like share, like put that out there, put that out there, like out there, share that. You know what I mean and I know that's disruptive, because we live in a society where the status quo is you got haves and have-nots. You got haves and have-nots.
Speaker 2:And a lot of times people get comfortable with that and just say, well, as long as I get mine, I'm cool. Nah, you're not cool because it's about the group, because even as an individual, you can't really win as an individual if you're part of a weak group. So we got to figure out ways to build the group up and help the group, you know. So the group can win, because, again, we talked about comfort and protection with fatherhood, your group should be able to protect you too. But if you're part of a weak group, then you can't get protected by a weak group Because you can be out here because at any given moment, okay, you, the one with all the money or whatever you one person, they can come take that from you. You have no squad, you have no gang to protect you. So we got to work to build the group up. We can't just be like, well, I got mine, you got to get yours. No, we got to work together to figure out how we can all win that's good and I like that kill.
Speaker 1:Because, as parents you know, I think modeling that behavior is better than talking about that behavior. Like our kids see us grow up. Our kids see us serve in the community. Our kids see it and then, in turn, as they grow up, they will do the same because it's in their heart now, because they see their mom done, they see their dad done it. So most people who are community servers, their parents have served the community as well. So, uh, you're doing good, like you're, you're coming out. All this math, everything's about math, y'all everything.
Speaker 1:All rules lead to math, all rules lead to math, but just even the example of you being in the studio today giving this, uh, these conversations, and your son sitting here listening to you and watching you, even just the way that you expound on protection and provide, you know, can give him a different perspective of protection and provide because he, now that you broke it down and he sees it from you and he's able to put those two together.
Speaker 1:And I think that that really a lot of our children need to see, that they need to see it, not just hear about it, because there's so many things that we hear about when we come to, when it, when it comes to male right, fathers, that, like even when we talked about earlier, like they don't even have a space for dad to be on the paper, you know, but showing up and really being intentional in our children's life, um, it's so important. So we certainly appreciate you coming on the show again and we're gonna have you back again because we love your perspective, we love how you break it down and what I love one of the things I love about you, akil, is each time you came on the show, you never downed anybody. You never, you know, made people feel less than they were, because they're not showing up or they're not pulling up to where they need to be. You've encouraged people of how to do it.
Speaker 2:And that's what it's all about, because people who are down know they down.
Speaker 1:Yeah right I don't don't kick me while I'm down. Like you know, it's not helpful.
Speaker 2:Anyway, yeah, give me a hand and pull me up, like, yeah, because if I was trying to encourage somebody to do more, you know, basically, like you know, shitting on them and tell them, you like that's not gonna help any that's not.
Speaker 1:That's just not good marketing. That's marketing one-on-one, that's not going to help.
Speaker 2:So when you come across people that do that and claim to want to help, either they don't really know that much about marketing and human nature and whatnot, or they really don't want to help. They really just want to take the opportunity to punch down on black people and that's what you see. It's a lot of that out there.
Speaker 1:social media is like a cesspool for the people that just want to punch down on black folks and I love black people.
Speaker 2:I legitimately love black people, and I want us to win, so that's why I like and the criticism. We got to have criticism, though, but there's a difference between destructive and constructive. You got to have a constructive criticism, because the destructive is like well, I just don't like you, I want to tear you down. But the constructive Like it's like bro, I want you to win bro.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I want you to win.
Speaker 2:Just like with my kids, like listen, bro, I want you to have everything that you want and need In this world, but the way you're moving right now, you probably not going to be able to get there. So I'm going to tell you, I think you should move differently. Right, so I'm going to critique what you're doing, but I'm critiquing I'm coming from a space of love, right, so it's a loving critique, right, but the destructive criticism? But some people, nobody ever tells them and some people don't take criticism. Well, because nobody ever tells them the distinction between constructive and destructive. So, the distinction between constructive and destructive. So they say, if you're not telling me how great I am, it's a problem.
Speaker 3:I don't want to hear no bad news.
Speaker 2:You just hate it. Any type of criticism is just hate. It's like, bro, you know what I mean. So it's like I really want you to win. The mother, yes-men, you got around you. They don't really want you to win. That's why they're not telling you. You're tripping, tripping, you tripping right now, like they're not going to tell you because they don't really care and they just want to benefit how they could benefit as long as possible. You know, you know they're just along for the ride, but I really want to see you win, but you can't keep moving like that though I like that.
Speaker 1:All right. So we thank you, akil. We certainly gonna have you back again, because we are already here into another part of the segment then we gotta come back here you know you do, you holding true to it.
Speaker 1:What you got me an hour and a half, you be holding true to that. I'll never forget when I first met you. I'm like who's sitting up here an hour and a half? But I really appreciate you taking the time out and really speaking to the audience and really helping us. See, you know, because we're moms, we're not dads. So I think it's so important to hear a dad perspective and then not just for moms to hear their dad perspective, for other men to really be able to hear and know how they can show up in their children's life.
Speaker 2:These are important conversations.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we get you know raise a better community.
Speaker 2:You know there needs to be more. You know we need to become more balanced.
Speaker 2:There's plenty of conversations about the deadbeat dad, you know the absent black father, which is real, but there are not enough conversations about the other side. Yeah, which is real, but there are not enough conversations about the other side. So when we start to push that narrative and market that, then people will see oh okay, that's what that looks like, because you know what the deadbeat looks like. You know what the father that is absent looks like. It's like all right, we already know what that looks like. Why do you keep showing us that same show? It's like the rappers that just rap about the same content all day long. Every new rapper same thing, same thing. We already heard that. You a drug kingpin.
Speaker 1:You hit all the chicks.
Speaker 2:You got these cars and jewelry. You a millionaire, whatever. We already heard that Like let's hear something different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, All right. Well, thank you Akil again for coming to the show. We certainly appreciate you. You will be back again. This was very good, very insightful, very enlightening. It's a lot. But I feel like even just sitting here having a conversation with you, I grew in my perspective about the male role in our children's life you're too kind in your words anyway, pam, you got anything before we go out of here because Zakiya is about to start another segment.
Speaker 3:I can't not today, no just as you said, thank you for coming and showing up and not just showing up, but it was like an experience. So we got to like experience, your father, and journey. You are giving people experience to go try.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You know it's like, okay, he's talking about it, Let to go try. Yeah, yeah, you know it's like, okay, he's talking about it, let me go try this. Like you said, it doesn't always involve money. You can get creative, so, and you're showing up and, um, being present in the time. So, using your time wisely, fathers, uh, finding that time in your life to spend time with your children, regardless of what your relationship is with the other parent or the parents, find a way to be in your children's life. So again, thank you, akil, thank you.
Speaker 2:I appreciate being here. Thank y'all for letting me, you know, talk. I like to talk. Yeah, we know.
Speaker 1:But it's good talking. But the thing about it, even though you like to talk, you're talking important things. It's not just you're talking out the side of your neck, you're actually talking using your brain and your heart and I like that. Thank you, guys for joining Parenting with a Purpose. Again, I am your host, donna Janelle, and this is Pamela Chapman.
Speaker 1:We thank you for tuning in to Parenting with a Purpose, where, again, parents are their bows and our children are our arrows, and they will land wherever we aim them, as long as we get them to choose to be successful. You know, we're just here to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. So we thank you guys for joining us. Join us every week 7 o'clock. Follow us on our social media platform. You can follow us under Donna Janelle on Instagram. You can follow us on Parenting with a Purpose Facebook page. You also can find us on any podcast platform. Wherever you listen to your podcast at pull up Parenting with a Purpose and get some insights of how you can parent better, or even if you want to be on the show, you can reach out to us at parentingwap at gmailcom.
