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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Building Bridges Between Home and School for Success
Ever wondered how your role as a parent could be the key to unlocking your child's future success? This episode of "Parenting with a Purpose" promises to shed light on the pivotal role of parental involvement in education, guiding you to be the bow that launches your child, the arrow, into a world of opportunities. I’m joined by our trusted guest, Kya, an experienced educator in fourth-grade science and math, who shares her first-hand experiences and challenges within the educational landscape. Together, we navigate the often-overlooked importance of parents attending school meetings and being active participants in their child's learning journey.
Discover the intricacies of parental accountability and the common hurdles faced by both parents and educators. We explore real-life scenarios, like the reluctance of some parents to engage with educational resources and the consequences of prioritizing extracurricular activities over academics. As parents, our busy lives often lead to unintentional detachment from our children's education, but we emphasize why proactive involvement is critical. Through personal anecdotes and reflective conversations, we aim to inspire parents to be present and supportive, ensuring their children not only succeed academically but also grow into well-rounded individuals.
Join us for an empathetic and heartfelt exploration of how parents can teach integrity and values to their children, even when faced with the challenges of modern parenting. We discuss the importance of maintaining open communication and understanding between parents, teachers, and students. This episode is packed with insights and strategies for nurturing your child's potential, fostering a supportive and loving home environment, and ultimately, strengthening the bond between you and your child. Engage with us on social media or via email, and become part of a community dedicated to empowering parents on their educational journey.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
hmm, thank you, take care.
Speaker 2:Hey everybody, welcome back to Parenting with Purpose. I am your host, donna Janelle where you know, we bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. Yes, I said beauty. I know a lot of parents out there think there's no beauty in it because it seems like these kids, they give us a challenge and it becomes a hard knock life for parents. Right, but there is some beauty in there, sometimes, right, and even in the times where it just seems like it's so dark and heavy, if you just take a look, a deep look in, you will find some beauty, right. Trust me, I've been parenting for 25 years and I can still say that there's beauty in parenting.
Speaker 2:There are some parents that only parent one year and say I don't see it, I don't know where it's going to come, but eventually it will come some beauty in parenting, right where it's going to come, but eventually it will come some beauty in parenting, right? You know, our parents are the bows and our children are arrows and they will land wherever we aim them, no matter how long it takes. They will eventually land right. As long as we dress them, as long as we don't send them outside naked. We give them tools so that they can be successful, right. So that's what parents are the purpose is about.
Speaker 2:Our job here is to educate, to encourage, to motivate parents to be the best parents possible, right? I'm not saying you need to be the perfect parent, but you need to be the perfect parent for your child. That's where we are. So, as you know, we have been talking about parental involvement and lately, for the last month, we've been really honing in on education because we kids went back to school and I just believe that there's such a mandate on parenting right, and education is one of the keys to really get our children to be successful in multiple areas of their life.
Speaker 2:Right, because a child who's not educated, if we look at the statistics, tend not to be able to do much with their life. They get into crime, they get into all types of things that they're not supposed to get into, because they don't even have a focus or a goal or even the education to get them to understand places they need to be and making decisions that they should be making Right. So tonight, you know, we had we had educators here all month and we got another educator here. We got Cordell Gould, kaya, you see how she gave me the look.
Speaker 1:I went, I went by her government. I didn't know right, I didn't know.
Speaker 2:I tried, I tried, try to go by try to be professional, um, kaya has been on our show multiple times for different reasons. We had Kaya on our show regarding parenting and marriage. We had Kaya on our show regarding as an educator. Before last season, I think, we had you on as a. You've been on every season. This is third season. You've been on every season, um.
Speaker 2:So we have Kay back here again when we talk about parental involvement, because Kay is in. You know how they say get in the thick of things, jump in the mess. Kay is literally in the mess, right, and I'm not trying to say education is mess, but there are some lot of things going on. She's going to keep it real tonight, y'all. But, kaya, thank you for coming back to the show. It's always a pleasure to have you here and if you want to tell the people again just your background, I know your background, some of our audience already know, but your background in education, what do you do, what grade you teach and what subject you teach, so we can get the audience just a little picture of what you got to offer okay.
Speaker 1:Well, it's a little different than the last time I spoke to you. Now I'm teaching science and math to fourth graders in elementary school and it's different and I like it.
Speaker 2:I really like yeah your face kind of blew up a little bit like there was a little glow there, like it's a little different than you said. I like it.
Speaker 1:I really do like it okay the challenging thing is having two separate classes, so that's something that I'm trying to take on um, but I'm getting used to it, okay, and I'm enjoying it. Science, science and math, and math.
Speaker 2:Wow, okay. Well, they both go hand in hand, science and math, but I feel like science. You can be so much more creative when it comes to science, so awesome. So fourth grade, fourth grade they almost added like going to middle school in fourth grade, okay, all right. So what were you doing right before, before you did fourth grade math? If remind me before.
Speaker 1:Um, I was still teaching fourth grade the last two years, but I was doing english, science and math. That's what I thought. Okay, all right, so now before that was early childhood, so it was birth to four birth to four.
Speaker 2:We had a kelly on the show last week on birth, yeah, um, birth to uh, four, um, and I thought that was pretty cool because we were talking about her child care center, things like that and how important it is for parents to really start in the womb. Yes, in the womb, yes, you know, I feel like when we started at like, once they're born, like we already behind eight ball a little bit right in the womb, and I'm not saying that you should be telling your kids no math in the womb.
Speaker 1:I mean you could possibly, you could uh matter of fact, because I'm reading to them yeah we had um lyrical I forgot their name lyrical math.
Speaker 2:We had them on the show before and they were actually showing like they have this hip-hop. I gotta get you introduced to them too. They have, um a lot of different math programs, but, um, you see us on the screen, okay, which is really cool. Um, but they were even um saying how, in the womb, how you can do stuff, like they have music and things like that for in the womb, so that, just remind me of that. Um, lyrical math, I'll get you connected with them. They have a couple books out and they actually have a lot of programs that they do um tutoring, but they do it on a computer, like it's like yeah, they, they got some good stuff. I gotta connect. Now that you do math, I think you're definitely gonna love that. Um. So tonight we're talking about the importance of parental involvement. So when you you hear parental involvement, what do you think Like? What's in your mind? What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think, oh, it's a little warm in here, y'all Parental involvement.
Speaker 1:So what I would like to see is parents coming out on meet back to school, meet the teacher. I would also like to see them on PTA nights, because those nights is once a month, it's not even for an hour and it's just your teacher telling you what your kid is learning Right, and it's on Zoom. So it's not even like they have to leave their home. Okay, they just get on the line and we have zero involvement.
Speaker 2:Wait. Flag on the play and we have zero involvement. Wait, flag on the play. You're saying that the back-to-school nights we don't really have parents.
Speaker 1:Well, this year my back-to-school night was phenomenal. I had like 12 parents Now how many?
Speaker 2:kids you got. You're talking about only eight, 30. Oh, 12 was good then. Okay, oh, absolutely, when you said I had there are 30 children in one class.
Speaker 1:There were 31. At the time it was 31 students in my one class and in my other class it was 29. And I had 12 parents.
Speaker 2:Okay. Are you really excited for 12 parents? Absolutely, tell me why you're excited for the 12.
Speaker 1:If you get two or three, you're lucky.
Speaker 2:Are you serious and 12, I you get two or three, you're lucky, are you serious? And 12, I was so excited. I was like I was so excited at the 12. Oh my goodness. Yes, yes, I was very excited that 12 parents showed up. You know, I hear a lot of teachers. That's why we really hone it in on parental involvement in education, because we've heard a lot of teachers say that parents are not involved and in my mind I'm just like what do you mean? They send their kids to school and they're just not involved with you, like they just drop their kids off. And we had Brielle on our show. She was like sometimes they think we're just babysitters and I was like really, and then they go off when something's not right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so. Okay, so then you got to Zoom. You're saying that there's Zoom as well, and then nobody shows up for Zoom.
Speaker 1:All you have to do is hit the button and listen to what the teacher says. It's about seven minutes that you hear what your teacher is saying, and then you get off.
Speaker 2:Let me ask you a question have you ever had conversations with parents about them showing up for their kids? No, why not?
Speaker 1:Well, I have, about them showing up for their kids. No, why not? Well, I have. I'm just curious if you, there are some who you can't get in contact with all at all at all. So we have dojo, which is like the electronic communication.
Speaker 1:Some of them won't even sign up now. Now this year I have all but two. I had the parent in with us. We were having an IEP meeting and I said can I take your phone, Can you just scan this right here? And she said, oh, I'll just do it when I get home. I said, no, but it's okay if you could just do it now.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:She still has not done it, and that was in September.
Speaker 2:What do you think? Why do you think parents aren't involved?
Speaker 1:I don't know why that particular parent I was wondering if she could read I was questioning, like maybe she doesn't want to be held accountable, because if she opens something and she doesn't read it, then we're going to be like why didn't you respond? Right, and I still don't know if that's truth or not. Right, right right.
Speaker 1:I was suspecting that you can't read I don't know if that but I don't know why parents aren't involved, because they do get involved. I have quite a few that will send a message like somebody shoved my kid in a locker, or or someone threw his lunch away or his snack away, or they'll, you know, send my son lost his phone or she lost her book bag. Somebody better find it. They will address us about that.
Speaker 2:So it's like the priorities, the things that really matter and really can help.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like attendance.
Speaker 2:It's like the absentee parents when it comes to that, absolutely, oh my God.
Speaker 1:And it's sad, itentee parents when it come to that absolutely.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, like it's sad.
Speaker 2:It's sad. It's sad because I really believe like this whole thing was going on with our children in this world and it's really because parenting has really become lazy, or last six days ago, um, and not involved in wanting everybody else to take care of their kids. Like I'm a strong believer, like I'm, you know, I advocate for kids all the time and I advocate for parents absolutely. But one thing for sure is I'm going to make sure parents are held responsible for their children, and what I see now, what we see lately, is that there is no responsibility. Like I've had this kid and I'm really pretty much living an autopilot life. Like I'm getting them and I'm sending them to school, but I'm not involved in anything, or I'm not even. But here's the thing I think, kea, what bothers me is that they're so involved with, like, extracurricular activities, like sports, basketball, my basketball, football they'll put a lot of money into that, but when it comes to education or even just showing up at school, like it seems like that's they're uninterested and I don't know why that is.
Speaker 1:I want to also say, though there may be some that are there that are in that situation, but there are some that has too many kids Whoa, whoa Flag on the tank?
Speaker 1:No seriously, I had a parent say my son doesn't like switching classes because that's what happens. I teach science and math. Another teacher teaches ELA and she said I don't like that. You give two separate packets for homework. My packet is one page, it's two pages, it's a top cover that tells you what we're learning. I try to keep them abreast and you know what's going on, the events that are going to come up, and it has one sheet that has five addition problems on it. Five, one sheet. And she says I don't like receiving two, he doesn't like it. I have four kids and I can't be doing all this homework and I was like wait, I had nothing to do with it.
Speaker 1:I'm here to educate this one, but then I also have students that don't come to school because a sibling is sick and mom is the breadwinner, so she has to go to work. So, you got to stay home with it or she has to stay home with the child to take care of the kid and no, she's not getting on on um the zoom because she might be working.
Speaker 1:So not everybody has the same story, but still, like that's, it's too many that are not involved, though. Wow, I had a parent that I shared. I told her. I said your son is not participating in class. He is either sleeping or he has an attitude about something, so he has his head down. He's not doing any work. He doesn't do any homework. She said I'm gonna talk to him now. I've been saying to him you know, your grades are going to reflect what you're not doing in my class, right, because I'm not passing you because you're cute, right? I know that's not going to happen. You're going to earn in here. When he got the report card. Now she's sending me a message saying can we talk?
Speaker 2:but I just talked to you try to be proactive before.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm telling you he's not doing anything and I'm telling you what his attitude and his behavior is in my classroom.
Speaker 1:A lot of times, parents are reactive yes, instead of proactive, and I think that's where the problem is Now if you came on back to school night to meet the teacher, those are the parents that knew if your child fails, I grade it, I need you to sign it, I need them to correct it and I'll change the grade. Oh wow, I want you to pass. Do you know how much work that is for me? Right? Do you know how much work that is to grade it and then regrade it and then change the grade and reenter it into the system? It's a lot, but I want you to pass, at least if you go back and you find the right information. You now know it better than you did when I gave it to you the first time that it was an open book test. And then you don't do it. And then you got to eat a D or an F. And then you why does my child fail? Well, I said on my back to school.
Speaker 1:If you do it, redo it and you give me the correct answer right, I'm going to change the grade, but if they don't do that, then you stuck with that grade.
Speaker 2:It's your choice it's so unfortunate that parents aren't involved, um, because I even think about growing up when I was younger, right, my parents weren't involved in school like that, they weren't, honestly, they education wasn't um, really like to the forefront of of my family. Um, I just knew growing up like education had to be the key to get out of certain things. Like I was knowledgeable, I was reading and stuff like that, but my mom, uh, never graduated high school and my dad, he did graduate high school but my mom had my sister when she was in high school and dropped out of high school. So I just remember, even for me, education was trying to make sure that my family be able to come up and get out of some stuff. Right, because we lived in a project and there was a lot of things going on and knowing that my mom, like I remember teaching my mom how to read the daily times.
Speaker 2:Now, back back in the day I'm talking, I don't even know if they still got the Daily Times out now, but back in the day, you know, you had the Daily Times and the Inquirer, right, so I was reading the Inquirer, but I was teaching my mom how to read the Daily Times so that she can be educated. Right, because she didn't get it when she was in school. Right, because she didn't, she didn't, she didn't, she didn't get it when she was in school.
Speaker 2:And I feel like, even though my parents wasn't big on education, I've got somehow made me big on education and I just took that and changed the trajectory of my family okay so that now education is like at the forefront well, god is the forefront, but education for each generation now, because of something that was lacking and I was like, oh, we need to figure this out. So I think that sometimes what I notice is that some parents never had that part of how important education is. Right, but at the same time I don't think it's an excuse to behave the way that they do, because we're not responsible of how we grow up, but we're responsible of how we grow ourself up and how we raise our children, absolutely.
Speaker 2:So, even if you didn't have the understanding how important education was. You got kids now, or you should have some type of growth to say listen we need to do A, b and C and just being involved.
Speaker 2:Like I mean, I didn't have my parents involved for education or sports though I played basketball, so it wasn't like they were overly involved in sports, but they didn't care enough about education. They just wasn't involved. They just wasn't involved. But I see parents now who are overly involved in sports because I feel like they think that that sport is going to get them out of the things, so they don't challenge, like, they don't put the morals and ethics and things like that in their kids. They're only putting sports in front of them, right, so they're not putting the education. Because here's the thing Like you can play sports all day, you can be the best of the best right.
Speaker 2:But if your character is not right, if your morals is not right, right, and if you're not smart enough, how you spend the money. I don't even know what we're doing here. Like why? Like that's why a lot of famous people like are broke or old taxes and stuff like that, because they really didn't have the knowledge. They paid somebody else to do the stuff that you could do and they stole from them and then now you're sitting in jail because it was your, it. It's your business, your money, right. So I think that we don't put enough into education of how important it is.
Speaker 1:Well, I want to share that. My mother didn't graduate high school either, and my father did, but education was always at the forefront, okay. And when I was in kindergarten, I was four and my mother said you can't tell them that you're four, because if you don't tell them that you're five, they're not going to let you stay. But I already knew how to write my name, I already knew my letters. Like she worked with me at home, right, so I didn't go to pre-K, but when I went to kindergarten, I was ready. You were ready because she was involved. She was involved. She was involved like she. Her goal was to be a stay-at-home mom. She loved being a stay-at-home she still loves being at home.
Speaker 1:She really never wanted to work outside the home and she does an amazing job at that. But school for me, straight A's like you have to get A's period because that's who you are and that's what they told me, and I'm 54 and still in school and still striving to get straight A's Like it was.
Speaker 1:That was the level of expectation that was set for me, regardless of whether she went or not Like she was honest and was like well, I got pregnant, I got married, I didn't finish, oh, but you're going to finish, and that wasn't a conversation that we ever had. Again, it's not a conversation that we often bring up. We don't even talk about it. I had to do what I had to do, and that was that, because I'm not her Right. And she never held back. It was just. Oh, I failed once in seventh grade social studies.
Speaker 2:You think I did it again. Let me just tell you no, I did, cause most parents want their kids to become better than them, absolutely they want them to be. And then they, if they don't have the tools, they find the tools. And that's the thing I'm struggling with right now is understanding why a lot of parents are just like whatever, like the mindset of like we're not supposed to be responsible to making sure our kids are their well-being holistically right, you know, beyond food, clothes and shelter. Like getting your kids up in the morning, getting them a good breakfast so they can go to school and their brain be able to absorb the information that's given they're not sleepy at the like getting them a good night's sleep, like I, I don't. Some of this parenting like it's really confusing me. It's like why?
Speaker 1:I don't understand it. I there is a young lady um in my class um a little two weeks ago. She had only been to school nine times and on the ninth time I told her. I said come here. I don't understand why you don't come to school. I said, but look at this screen, look at all the red.
Speaker 1:Look how many times you've been and I counted. I said today is the ninth day you've been here. I would like to give you fourth grade information because you're intelligent enough for second grade. Can you imagine what you would do for your family if you allowed me to give you fourth grade information and then next year you got fifth grade information and you continue to get information, like she's, so you can tell how smart she is. You teach her something, she's able to retain it, but she's not in school enough to get anything Right. Donna, this baby been coming to school. She missed yesterday and she missed one day last week, but she made four days instead of just one day in three weeks.
Speaker 2:Wow so I'm like.
Speaker 1:What would you like? Me to get you I want to buy you something because you kept your word. You told me you would be here every day. Now my principal said it's okay for you to give her something, but I don't want her to feel penalized if she can't make it. She said, because those other two that's downstairs in the younger grades, I believe she has to get up and get them ready in order for her to get together. She's taking them, bringing them with her wow, because I?
Speaker 2:because at some point where you keep asking the parents to show up and they just not showing up and talk.
Speaker 1:So so now you can't even get them, so so, now you just got to do deal with the child.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you got to deal with the child and try to instill in them the importance of it. So, whatever, I'm held a high water. Whatever she got to do to make sure that she gets to school because she realized that her education is important. Um, a lot of these kids I'm glad you mentioned that, because a lot of these kids are really taking care of their siblings, like really taking care of their siblings, like being the parents. Yeah, that's scary. It is, um, because they're, they don't grow up to be a child, like they're not enjoying life as children and exploring and things like they. They have so much responsibility.
Speaker 2:Um, and I don't even know how to fix that because, like, again, it's the mindset of the parents. Like, how do you get to the parents and say listen a, b and c? Because a lot of times, a lot of things that I hear from parents is, oh, we don't have the resources, but then I'm like, well, when we do get your resources, you don't show up. So I don't like, so not having resources is not really your excuse anymore, it's really just parents having to step up to the game and this baby is at a two-parent home.
Speaker 1:A two-parent home, a two-parent home. Mom and dad are there, it's like 11 or 13 kids, but it's a two-parent home. Wow, and you know how. You just have a kid and your, just your heart. I just I'm just. I said, baby, do you need me to come pick you up? And then I thought about, I said my husband is not going to be happy about that. I need to do is give him another job. But I'm like, would you like me to come get you?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:She's like no. I said well, do you think you can come? She was like I can come. I said well, do you think you?
Speaker 2:can come.
Speaker 1:She was like I can come. I said can you come every day? Can you do that for me? And she was like yes, and then she did. And I was like because she realized you care too?
Speaker 2:I think, because I do. I think that sometimes kids are so numb and used to the normal pattern of how everyday living is. It's like sometimes people don't care, like I'm just here to take care of the other kids or whatever. It's almost like my son said to me back at, like my kids be saying some crazy stuff to me. Right, because he these kids different, right, when we he said he mentioned slavery sometimes. Right, because he swears some of the stuff that goes on now and it's like slavery, like the, the attitude parents and children, like how parents treat children sometimes are like modern day slaves. Okay, um, and he said that because he had a couple friends who have not just that they have rules and things they have to go out, but they really have to run a household. And it's like he couldn't understand that, because that's not where he come from, right, and he was saying I think that parents just got kids slaves. They just ain't calling them slaves no more. And I was like, well, why would you say that? He was like, cause, what I don't understand is like how he has to do all this stuff and he's only 14 versus, and then he's supposed to keep up in school he's supposed to do all these things and parents are stressing kids out.
Speaker 2:He said back in the day, parents had more kids so that they could help with the land, because master was on their tail. This is what he's telling me. It's like because master's on their tail, so the more kids you have, the more profitable you are right. Um, so he said, I think parents have. I said, john, I don't think people really have kids so that they can make them do stuff. I think that they just have them and it's just so happened. However, their parenting is, they decide to make them do stuff like people don't have kids. To say, oh yeah, I got somebody else to wash dishes. Like I got somebody who's gonna clean my house, I got somebody who's gonna do a bit.
Speaker 1:But if we all living in a house, everybody should play a part.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a teamwork. But some parents have the mindset of, like I work and you do everything else, and forgetting that kids, education and school is work for kids Because they deal with so many different things. But he had me thinking like I don't think parents think they're the kids. He said mom, some parents think their kids are slaves. They just ain't going to say it. They treat them like a slave. Because you think how a slave is treated and you think how some people are parenting their kids? Can you please tell me the vast difference between the two?
Speaker 2:I said well, I can't speak for nobody else's household. Do you feel like you're a slave in my house? He said no, I'm just saying when you think about comparing our household to other people's households, and I'm just curious of the mindset of people and some of them are two-parent homes, um, and so even children are still questioning, like I have, um, you know the one that texted my inner gangster, my half pint diney. Um, she has a friend though, who was adopted and literally being abused and having to do all this like stuff, and she's my, my baby girl. Even though she rough and tough, she has like a heart of gold.
Speaker 2:So she's always coming home telling me about pray for her friends and tell me the situations that her friends are dealing with, because a couple of her friends parents that had cancer. So we're constantly praying for them and she, she talks about them and she's really close with the encouraging the young ladies, um, or even the boys. She has some male friends, but when she don't, those those things like that she prayed about. But then she has another prayer, which is a little bit more prayer, where there's more emotional attached to it, because she's upset of how her friends are being treated and we know that things are two-way but um, three ways. So there's three stories. But just to hear some of the stuff that they have to go through and my kids just be like I don't understand.
Speaker 2:But what they do say is that I see why you try to teach parents to parent the best that they possibly can because, like these kids are out here suffering absolutely like they're suffering and I think I don't know what it's going to take for parents to be involved as much as they should like, like we can keep telling them until you're blue in the face, but I think it's just something that has to click within them and say, hey, I need to be involved educationally, physically, psychologically, you know, even address all the needs. I think my greatest burden right now is parental involvement. Like that is really concerning, because I just feel like there's a mandate, because a lot of times, um, when we see things that happen in the community right, especially when it's involving our children, we'll start there first. When it's involving our children and it's always something negative, right, shooting, stabbing, violence, police having to take down because disrespectful, and stuff like that the number one question I always ask is like, where's the parents? And that's the question society asks us too.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you recall, okay, um years probably, like three years ago maybe, I think, when we first started the podcast, there was a um, philadelphia, there's a group of teens, like two or three o'clock in the morning and they beat up that elderly man. Remember that african-american elderly man, right, and it was like two or three o'clock in the morning and they beat up that elderly man remember that african-american elderly man right, and it was like two or three o'clock in the morning and I don't know if he passed away or anything that at that time he did. Uh, el said yeah, so yeah, they beat him right and he died. And my first question was three o'clock in the morning why were these kids out?
Speaker 2:why were these kids? Because these kids were all under age 14. And I said, why are? Because I at this point I'm not even coming at the kids of why you did abnc, because now I'm like where your parents at why were you outside three o'clock in the morning, why were you outside and why did you think it was okay for you to engage in this type of activity? Because now I'm questioning now kids become wavered, right, kids kind of do. But if there's a foundation of moral and ethics and things like that, there are some kids just not going to follow, right, because one, either the parents um won't tear you up or they they just lay such a foundation where, um, morals and ethics are so important and how you treat people and how you handle people is important. So the fact that there's not even and what's concerning was it wasn't one or two kids, kid, it was like five or six kids. So that tells me like, so that's five or six parents. Like where do we drop the bomb at as parents? To that our kids feel like that's okay. So, 3 o'clock in the morning, do you not know where your kids are? Or if you did, why are they outside engaging in this type of activity.
Speaker 2:So that's when I really start thinking, like yo, parenting is like y'all got to stop playing because there's such a in order for our societies to get better. I believe it starts at home, because parents are the first teachers, they're the first lovers, they're the first cheerleaders, like, parents are the first everything. So they shouldn't have to come to your class and find love for the first time, find somebody caring for the first time, learn how to do anything for the first time. Like, I mean, there are some new exposures, but foundationally, things should be done at home, absolutely. So how, if from your, because you're a parent and you also are an educator what do you think it would take for parents to really get that? They need to be involved. That's a question you probably ask yourself every day right.
Speaker 1:Because I'm trying to figure out how you're not involved.
Speaker 2:You're like how to get you involved, why are you not?
Speaker 1:I really I just don't understand it. I really don't. For me, my thought was I don't want you to not teach my child because they're misbehaving. I don't want that to be your responsibility. Right, Call me, I'll be there. Right, I'm going to handle that. And they know wow, wow, completely out on them.
Speaker 1:Teach your hand got to worry about it again, and my husband is a great supporter. You're not going to school to act a fool, whether we're paying for it outright private school or whether you're in public school and we're paying for it through our taxes, we still paying, we still paying, and your teacher is there to educate, not to discipline. So if she got to discipline you, oh you getting ready to get it.
Speaker 2:You getting ready to get it, you getting ready, get it, get it. She said real good, that's what k and I different in parenting y'all that's right we do?
Speaker 1:we definitely do. But the one thing that I can say is I have. We have had people just recently that even still come up to us and say, oh, you got amazing boys. They are amazing, like, but we've heard it even when they were teenagers. And that's the one and your daughter, stop playing In Delaware. They only talking about our sons, but my daughter is amazing as well. But we're talking about when, when these boys are out of your sight and they're not being disrespectful.
Speaker 1:There's another adult saying I saw your kid in this place, whether it was in a restaurant, whether it was on a um, a playground, wherever they saw them, and they weren't being disrespectful.
Speaker 2:That is amazing, that's because you know when, because that's not the norm, like right now.
Speaker 1:It's not the norm, cussing up and down and doing this and doing that. Listen when somebody is telling you when your kids are out of your sight and they're behaving the way you've trained them or the way you've taught them.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's a kudos, that is. That is kudos, because I'm dealing with a situation. I got a phone call about my half. When I test my inner gangster, now, my, when I test my inner gangster, now you know, I got the four kids and just like I think this is the most phone calls I ever got is from that little one, like she's small but she's fierce, and she she's very loving and strong and, um, opinionated, very opinionated um, and I'm trying to teach her how to bring it in some.
Speaker 2:Not change your personality or who God calls you to be, but use it in a positive way. Right, because sometimes kids think that this is who I am, I am what I am, this doesn't. Yeah, you may have some of these traits. However, we need to make sure that we can use them in a good way. Absolutely right, because as parents, that's our job and I get phone calls about her behavior. Now, I'm not surprised about it because she behaves a particular way in front of me that I'm always checking. She's like one of those kids where I feel like I probably should have had a kid ghoul spirit and probably that one I'm like that's the one I said I probably should have have beat you girl, maybe you'll act different if I would have shook you till the white meat came out of you.
Speaker 2:Sometimes I'm like God, lord, she keep me on my knees, but what I explained to her one of the things that I'm working on her with because she's 16, one of the things that I'm working on is, like, listen, integrity. Let me tell you about integrity. It's doing something when I'm not around, being able to stand 10 toes down on who you truly are and not change for nobody just because I'm not around. So the phone calls that I'm receiving they're, they're disturbing, because it's a character issue for me. It's an integrity issue for me, okay, so I shouldn't hear, I shouldn't have nobody call me and tell me that you were disrespectful or you're using profanity. You're doing. You know kids they do stuff when they ain't around. But when I was younger I used profanity, but when an adult came around, I shut it down Like I wasn't going to continue to do all this and this is who I am and going off, and all that Unless I was real angry and I was ready to fight, like fighting you couldn't hold me down.
Speaker 2:But like on a daily basis, you joking with your friends and you laughing and you have this type of language and then there's a thought around. So now I'm questioning your level of respect for people, right, and I think sometimes as parents, like some parents, let their kids continue with these behaviors and then the kids end up disrespecting them and then we got all these issues Not me. I'm so upset about the whole thing because I'm like sometimes we question, as parents, I don't show you this behavior, I'm not cussing you out.
Speaker 2:I'm not going off, I'm not doing all this, so where does this behavior come from? But then you got to think about, okay, who they're hanging around, but at the same time, you old enough to know that what I've taught you you should not be able to do what other people are doing so right now.
Speaker 2:I had a call today and I'm a little upset about it because now she can't ride the activity bus, she wrestles. So now I'm thinking like, okay, as a parent, how do I handle this? Because each kid is different? I want you to be able to do extracurricular activities. However, because of the behavior you just displayed, I don't think that that's a good thing.
Speaker 1:You damaged yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's probably watching or maybe not. I know I got to have a hard conversation because it's like I want you to be able to do extracurricular activities, but I also need your character and your morals to be straight and although I know this is going to give you an outlet and help you, but at the same time I can't let you continue this type of behavior thing. There's no consequences. You think I'm about to come down to that school, 35 minutes taken out of my day to come pick you up because you want to act a fool on a bus and you don't want to stop when a bus driver tell you to stop.
Speaker 1:You don't want to do that. That's the punishment, right there. You will not be doing any extracurricular activity. You will come straight home, you will do your homework and that's it. And you're cleaning.
Speaker 2:And you're cleaning, yeah, and you're chores. Matter of fact, you got cancer with a toothbrush. I remember them scrubbing. So it's like sometimes the parents earlier in my parents and honestly, like when my kids would do stuff, I would still let them continue to do their extracurricular activity or anything like that, because at that time you know, having coming out of a divorce and also having children who both parents were deceased in the beginning, beginning, I was really trying to please my kids and I think that's where I noticed a lot of parents have a problem with they. They want to please their kids, but our job is not to please, yeah, our. My job is not to please my kids and I tell them in a minute. My job is not to make you happy, that's right, happy and situational. My job is to make sure I instill some good joy in you so that, no matter what goes on, you still, you still love me, right?
Speaker 1:I don't care if you like me today and if you hate me, I'm doing my job.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what I told her. Like my man, uh, she, I don't like you. I don't like you either today. And let me tell you why. I love you, I'm always gonna love you, but I don't like your behavior. So her and I are the only two that actually tell each other we don't like each other.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you like yeah, that one right there. She tested me, but then none of my other kids ever said that to me. So now I'm like, yeah, I don't like you too, I don't like your behavior. So what, what's going on? What we gonna do about it? Absolutely, um, but just really, a lot of times I see a lot of parents are pleasing kids and when I the reason why I brought that up k is because when we talk about you had mentioned earlier about a parent saying about homework, like not um the packet, that he don't want to do this, we don't be in a lot of parents are allowing that because they're trying to please their kids and or or also they don't want to have to help them with the work. Absolutely, so we got to kind of.
Speaker 1:But in all honesty, the packet that I'm giving you is a second grade packet. It's for you to spend five minutes on addition 22 plus 19, and it's five of them. Listen, what's the problem? You have have five days. You get it on Monday, it's due on Friday. What?
Speaker 2:If the parents aren't making them do it or trying to be involved, the kids are just like if the parents don't care, why should I care?
Speaker 1:Why do you think a parent would call up to the school and say my kid doesn't like this, so you need to change it?
Speaker 2:Because they don't want to help. Well, if you say they don't even have to help him with it, but maybe even with that kid Again.
Speaker 1:Wait, donna, the mom doesn't, the son doesn't like having to switch classes.
Speaker 2:He goes across the hall from one class to the other and he doesn't like it.
Speaker 1:So she said he don't like it so we needed to change it. Huh, huh, huh.
Speaker 2:Huh. I'm not here to please your kid, I can't even process that, kay, I'm not either.
Speaker 1:Like I was like wow.
Speaker 2:What was your comeback? She wasn't talking to me. I heard that. That was a conversation that happened with somebody else. See, she couldn't say talking to me. I heard that that was a conversation with somebody else. She couldn't say that to you. I don't even know how. How would you?
Speaker 1:respond? The response is simple as this. He doesn't have to be in our building. All the K-5 buildings aren't doing that, there's only a few of them, so she could put him in a building that's not changing classes there's only a few of them, so she could put him in a building that ain't going to do nothing for him. That's not changing classes, there's still some additional classes, buildings that have the teachers are teaching English, science and math, and she could just put him in one of those.
Speaker 2:So did you have a conversation with the student? Is it just like what's going on with the student that makes it difficult for that?
Speaker 1:Or you just don't want to do it. I stand, I walk in my class around the desk and I teach. So the moment that you start talking to someone else, I call you on it. I'm talking. I need your attention on me, right? Because if you're talking and haven't engaged in conversation, you're not hearing the instructions that I'm giving, right? You're not going to know what to do when I say all right, the next 10 minutes. I want you to answer these questions absolutely the next 10 minutes for the.
Speaker 1:For the next 10 minutes, I want you to answer these questions for science. You're not going to know what it is because you're engaged in this conversation and you're playing right. So I walk and I'm all around the room and the moment that I see you and I hear you, so I address it. And they don't like that.
Speaker 2:They don't like it. Well, a lot of times they don't like it because they're not being addressed at home. Now, True, at home and family environment, like you get to do what you want, say what you want to say, talk when parents are on the phone, have conversations, butt in, do whatever you want. There's like the level, that's what I'm saying. The whatever you want. There's like the level, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:The level of respect, like what people deem as respect and disrespectful, has really changed over the years. Like for me, everything seemed disrespectful to me. You're disrespectful. Like I had to learn that everything is not disrespectful, dana, like just because they ain't knowing what you told them to do or they respond in a particular way. It is not disrespectful, that's just your preference of how you want somebody to deal with you, but it's not always disrespectful. But then there are some situations that are just very disrespectful and what you do at home will pour into it, will spill over into the community, into the schools, absolutely.
Speaker 2:And then we have a lot of issues. I don't know parents. I'm just really trying to understand how, why we wouldn't be involved, why parents wouldn't be involved, why we wouldn't want our children to be successful and why we wouldn't take the time out. A lot of times parents are really still not understanding the role of parents like their own role. Right, they understand, they brought a human in the world. But what is my role, what is my job, what is my responsibility to make sure this child is successful? A lot of times they can't give that chaos because they don't have that for themselves.
Speaker 2:True, you know one of the things that I was talking. I had a workshop last night and one of the things that I try to teach, even though I do these parenting workshops right last night. And one of the things that I try to teach, even though I do these parenting workshops right, but I always try to go back to the basics. You can't give what you don't have. So a lot of times people say my kids is when some of these parents don't, but some parents like my kids my priority. You know, I'm doing all this for my kid, but that only could last for so long if you're not doing it for yourself. True, parents have to be the priority, like I have to make sure that I'm straight 100% so that I can now pour into my kid, because if I'm 25% and I'm trying to give them 100%, that math don't matter. You're a math teacher.
Speaker 1:That math is not.
Speaker 2:I don't care how much A plus B equals C. My son said that last night. I don't care how much A plus B equals C. My son said that last night. I don't understand what all these letters in this man for? Like, listen, in nursing we use all these letters. I need that. And he was like well, I don't understand Listen. He was like just make it simple 17 plus 23,. And I got the answer. But a lot of it is just parents are not healing their wounds and they're bleeding on their children.
Speaker 1:So I had a meeting with a parent last week or maybe the week before, but she had been texting me about why her kid didn't get dojo points. And I'm like, oh my gosh, like for me. I'm thinking, I'm trying to make sure I have, I'm teaching them everything, hitting all the major points in this science, hitting all the major points in this math, and telling me about some dojo points like all these things that we are worried about.
Speaker 2:You're talking about some dojo points.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to make sure they are responding to the test that I'm giving them, giving them back to me so I can change the grade and you're worried about dojo points. But it came to a head. She said I'm trying with you and I'm coming up to the school tomorrow. And I was like, oh okay, that's fine. So she came up and we're sitting there and we're talking and she's so frustrated and she's crying. And she came up and we're sitting there and we're talking and she's so frustrated and she's crying and I'm looking at her. I was like Lord, please help me. And then I could just see and I could hear everything that she was saying, because her kid is not getting these dojo points. That is a reflection on her. She is connected to what they do because she's like I don't allow them to play outside.
Speaker 1:They're not going to be like these kids in the neighborhood but he's still a nine-year-old boy, right, he's still pushing and shoving and she's like, oh, he ain't gonna hit somebody first. But I tell him to defend himself. But I got proof that that he is one that is bullying and he's pushing on somebody. That's not because he's a kid, right. Regardless of what you do, he's still a kid and he's doing child things. Right, she sat there. I was like, listen, you are a phenomenal mom please understand that you are, but he's still gonna be a kid right and that's all he's doing his kid stuff and he's not getting dojo points if he's not doing what he's supposed to right
Speaker 1:he's sitting and talking. He's not doing his work. I'm not giving dojo points. You don't raise your hand and participate in class, or I call you and you don't try to give me an answer. You're not getting dojo points. That's what I give him for. But mom was so connected to how it looks, the appearance of it all, yo, I was like baby, yeah, he is a kid. You are doing what you're supposed to. You sit down and do homework with him, but he's still going to be a kid.
Speaker 2:Yo Kel, you brought up a good point. I remember, and I shared it on the show before, when the way I parent my first daughter is totally different than I parent these last three y y'all. I don't know if I'm just getting old in a way but, totally different.
Speaker 2:But I remember her having a conversation with me and said mom, we live a porcelain lifestyle and I couldn't understand at that time what she was talking about. I was the same with that parent making sure my kid do a, b and c. You're not going outside, you not doing this, but not really understanding that restricting them is not just by restricting them, is not going to make them be who they're supposed to be. Nope, it really is going to harbor some resentment, some when they're out of your presence. Then you're going to have that crazy behavior and then you're like I'm doing. Then you start questioning your own parenting, but you start questioning in a way that you're really not doing that great of a job. But not necessarily. It's not that you're not doing a great job. It's like how do we need to shift this now that we see this behavior, not that, oh, I'm the worst parent in the world. I take this away. I do that and the other, because kids they need structure and routine, but they also don't need restrictions like that because they're not caged animals Absolutely, need restrictions like that because they're not caged animals absolutely. And I think sometimes and I could say that for a fact because I I've, now that I look back on my parenting and this is why I try to help parents, like I really was restricting my daughter from everything. Like you're going to do exactly what I say, how I say it and this is it right. So then I expect this outcome because this is what I'm telling you. And then you start to break down when, when they don't do it, and you like, well, I'm the worst person. Well, no, it's just that we need to shift it now, because what we? The way that we were parenting before, it's not working for that child, right. So parents sometimes are very hard on themselves because they know how much they pour into their kids. But I learned one of the things that I learned probably a couple months ago, my boneless mom had had to have a major surgery, right. And I had said to her I was going away for the Poconos with my family, right. And I said her surgery was on a Friday and I said, all right, I'm coming back on that Friday, so I'm coming back from the Poconos and I'm going to come there, right. And she was like, no, I don't need that. And I was like, no, I'm going to be there. Like I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. And she was like no, you know, the Holy Spirit hit me right there.
Speaker 2:Stop trying to be to people what we want to be to them, not what they need, because we're not respecting their opinions, their values and how they feel about a thing. So we want things a certain way because, honestly, it becomes very selfish. It is Because we want our kids to be great, but at what extent? To please us or to allow them to prosper and grow and flourish so that they not going to be with us all the time. So a lot of times we put ourselves on people in ways that they don't need us on them, instead of just giving them what they actually need right.
Speaker 2:So that was a lesson from me in an adult at 44 years old, like I'm about to force myself to come somewhere where you won't even want me yet right now, because you know you and what you need Now. I went the next day and all the days afterwards she allowed me to be there, but it hit me all of a sudden and I thought about that. And parents, it's like we really put so much pressure on our kids to meet our expectations for failures that we've had and we try to vicariously live through our kids and that's not fair to them. Learn your child, figure out what they love, what they like, start honing in on those things you can still I mean, we still need to have strict uh structure and expectations for our kids, but not to the point where you want your child to live the life you want to live, and I think that's so unfair A lot of parents do to their children.
Speaker 1:And we don't think about it Absolutely, and realizing that they change. You can't say, oh, my kid do this, he do that, because they change. They grow, yeah, some mature, some get worse, they just they're not maturing but they start regressing, right, and you have to recognize it. I was saying to her, she asked a question and I said yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, and she was livid. Do you hear her with this? Yes, ma'am, I sat back Right and my principal was like yes, but that's how she addresses everyone, right, I speak to the children that way.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:I say yes, sir, and yes, ma'am, to them. I give them the same respect that I want.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I was giving it to her and she didn't like it. She saw it as being sarcastic.
Speaker 2:Or she's not used to that level, Like she's not used to that love.
Speaker 1:Like she's not used to that. Even my text messages, the messages that I send, are very professional. She said it was sarcastic. She didn't like the tone.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:There was no tone Right. It was just me giving information. This is what happened today. This was the response. This is what was said.
Speaker 2:This is the response, and she's like is what was said, this is the response, and she's like I don't like her tone and I was like oh, because there's some inner stuff going on, exactly and that's the thing.
Speaker 2:That's what I was hearing, as I allow you to keep talking and that's, I will say, like, the one thing about um, serving right. Yes, the one thing I'm learning about serving, because everything is service, right. Um, I serve my kids and my children serve me. I serve my friends, they serve me. I serve my community. You know everything is service and when. When you are serving, not everybody knows how to receive the meal, absolutely right. You know, not everybody knows how to receive the meal based on their own wounds, absolutely. As a server, my job is to not be offended by the way they receive and also, can I serve it a different way, not catering to the person, but being empathetic and understanding that I don't know the background of the person, but can I serve, not to go off because as adults we could be like, oh so you just being disrespectful to me, that's why your kid disrespectful, but understand that there is a root behind that fruit that we're seeing like a lot of stuff that we're saying is just bad fruit because that root is jacked up right.
Speaker 2:So our job is like we're serving right. So how can I serve you to get the best outcome? So now I got to ignore all your little antics or whatever. I don't think you're worth nothing.
Speaker 1:You already know. You want to know how I handle it. Yeah, I looked at her and I said you look like you could use a hug, do you like hugs Kaya? And you know I have amazing hugs because I'm genuine like that. It's just who I am. So we're going to do me and I stood up and I hugged her and I just allowed her to cry because all that was going on is stuff that was going on in her own head.
Speaker 1:It had nothing to do with me. You were projecting it onto me. You were comparing me to other teachers. I'm not the other teachers. This is my third year.
Speaker 1:I work very hard to make sure I give those students everything that I have. I mean very hard, because it's only my third year. I'm still in school. I have a coach that comes in every morning. Anything that I'm not 100% sure of, I make them train me and I make so, should I say it this way? And then I'm writing my notes. I want to give them everything.
Speaker 1:I don't want anybody leaving my class not getting everything that they have, and I work too hard for that for you to come in and say that I'm not doing enough. Right? You concerned about dojo points and I'm concerned about their education, like I want them. I mean, there are kindergarten level learners in my class up to fourth grade learning, and I have to touch each and every one of them. That's why I have the coach, because I taught pre-K. This is fourth grade. I need them. When they get to fifth grade and sixth grade. I need them to say you know, I asked them this question and they knew the answer. I want everybody to know the answer. So that's what I'm working towards.
Speaker 2:I don't care about them, dojo points we got, we got, you don't care about them, dojo points. But what I'm saying, okay, is that sometimes some people based on their own trauma, right, and there's no fault or nobody else of the trauma that they deal with Don't know how to receive properly because they've been mishandled or fumbled maybe their whole life. For example, I was not one of those people like hug me what you tell me I need a hug, what the F you hugging me for? Like, I was one of those angry type people because I didn't deal with my wounds. So sometimes people are going off because they aren't dealing with their wounds and even though I'm here to help you, help your child, sometimes we got to see beyond. It's the kid, right, I know my job, but there's a hurting person here, right, and I know your tech. The way that you handle things is way different. You need a hug. Come here, let me give you a hug.
Speaker 1:That's not the way I said it. Which is that I said you?
Speaker 2:look like you need a hug.
Speaker 1:Okay, do you like hugs?
Speaker 2:There, you go.
Speaker 1:That's good. Do you like hugs? And she was like yes, and she was portraying onto me, it was all her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that anger comes from somewhere.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It is the things that's going on in her head. Like my kid is not, like these kids out here, he's not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's definitely a good kid, so she had a question in her pants, but he's still a kid, right? So, since you've done that, how has that relationship been Absolutely wonderful. Done that, how has that relationship absolutely wonderful, okay, all right, see, that's good, like because you, because you attended, you gave her a hug. Absolutely, you gave her more than what she came in there for. She came in one way, but you changed that that love covers and you were there to serve her too.
Speaker 1:Absolutely okay I like that. I'm not going to allow you to act like I'm doing something wrong, because I'm asking and I'm calling you ma'am, I'm giving you respect. You can't make that a negative because it's not.
Speaker 2:I'm not sharing it in a negative way, right, and if you explain that, because the way people again have these wounds that they don't know how to receive properly. So it's not our job to not to do that anymore. Like this is who I am, I, who I am, my character, everybody's. Yes, ma'am, yes, sir, I'm not going to change it, but I'm going to explain to you why I do that, so that you can get an understanding that, so that you don't get offended which you still may, depends on where your head is but so you know that I'm coming from a genuine place, absolutely, because sometimes there's so many things out here, negative connotation, behind stuff that comes from a nasty place, that when somebody gives you something good, you don't know how receive it. So that person who's given the good now has to explain to you why this is good, that's good, explain to you why this is good. All right, y'all, we have been here for a while Parenting with a Purpose podcast.
Speaker 2:This was an engaging conversation. As you guys can tell, kay and I does things differently as well. We go back and forth, but at the end of the day, we love parenting, we love kids, we love parental involvement, and how people do it is definitely different because we're not the same. But most important is like parents, get involved. Get involved with your school, get involved with a teacher. Have conversations Because, at the end of the day, everybody wants children to be successful. Teacher have conversations because, at the end of the day, everybody wants children to be successful. Nobody no teacher wakes up and says I'm going to have this child not pass and not be able to get anything. No parent wakes up and says, intentionally, I want my kids to be a poop shell. I ain't going to say the word A bad kid or a hot mess or anything like that. It's just that sometimes, because we're not intentional to things that we do want our children to be, they end up being the things that we don't want them to be, absolutely so tune in with parents with the purpose.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you plan to fail, you fail to plan, like you already, if you plan, if you fail, if you fail to plan, that's your plan to fail. Basically, if you don't come up with a plan, you already playing something. Um, thank you so much, k for coming on the show again. We know we'll have you back again because we love having these engaging conversations, little heated conversations. You see, I can't give us a look like I said what I said, but we certainly appreciate that and I love that about you. Um, thank you guys for joining panther the prairies again. My name is donna janelle. I am your.
Speaker 2:I do want to give a shout out to my co-host, pam. Pam, it's her birthday today. That's why she's not on the show. So hope Pam is having a great birthday celebrating and tune in every Thursday with Parenting with a Purpose. You can follow us on our Facebook page, parenting with a Purpose. You can also follow us. You also can email us at parentingwap at gmailcom with any questions, concerns and even if you want to be on the show, if there's a topic that we didn't hit but it's a hot topic. Listen, there's no topics off limits for us. We're opening up the gate and we're keeping it open. So whatever you want to talk to us about, because our goal is to make sure that we, as parents, do the best that we can and that you, as parents out there, have all the tools to make your children successful. Thank you, outro Music.
