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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Shaping Future Generations with Intentional Parenting
What if the chemicals in your child's food are hastening their journey through puberty? We tackle this unsettling question right off the bat as Pam and I explore the increasing onset of early puberty linked to dietary and environmental factors. From the hidden dangers lurking in seemingly harmless seaweed wraps to the health implications of chemical-laden produce, we stress the urgency for parents to be vigilant, informed, and proactive about their family's nutrition. Our discussion is a wake-up call for all parents to scrutinize what ends up on their children's plates and to consider healthier alternatives.
Parenting isn't just about setting rules; it's about shaping futures. Pam shares a heartwarming story about her godson's encounter with diverse identities, emphasizing the vital role parents play in nurturing empathy and non-judgment in their children. We delve into the beauty and challenges of equipping kids with the tools to make wise decisions while respecting their individuality. With heartfelt anecdotes, we reveal the powerful lessons hidden in everyday interactions and stress the importance of preparing children for the real world with compassion and understanding.
Does physical discipline teach valuable lessons or does it only foster fear and resentment? We navigate this contentious issue by examining different parenting styles and their long-term impacts. Personal experiences and professional insights illustrate the fine line between structured discipline and anger-driven punishment, highlighting the lasting effects on children's development. By sharing our perspectives, we aim to promote intentional, reflective parenting that fosters respectful, well-adjusted individuals, all while ensuring that the home remains a safe space for children to grow and thrive.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Thank you. Outro Music. Bye, thank you, hey everybody. Welcome back to Parenting with a Purpose. I am your host, donna Janelle, the one and only you know my aim. You know my strive. You know what I try to do out in this world is to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting.
Speaker 1:You know, parenting is not for the weak. You know my new word parenting is challenging. What's up Pam? Pam's in the house too, y'all. I can't even do the intro without saying what's up Pam? You know Pam is a frequent flyer now. She's my new eight-spoon cone so she's going to be up in here talking about.
Speaker 1:We just had a little slight disagreement a couple minutes ago, so we're about to get heated in a second y'all. But you know, parenting is not for the weak right. Parents are the bulls and our children are arrows and they will land wherever we send them. May not be today, might not be tomorrow, it might not even be the next five or ten years, y'all. Honestly, I've been parenting for 25 years now, y'all, and I can see like it takes time and it's a process for our kids to get where we want them to go.
Speaker 1:You know the Bible does tell us to train up a child so they go. So when they go they don't depart or they'll return back to their original state. Right, it's hard, it's challenging, but you know it is what it is right. So it may be five, ten years down the line, they'll laying where you intend them to be, but not in the way that you probably thought that they should be, because our kids are humans, individuals. We don't own them. They have their own life and processes and stuff. As you know, Even from the smallest baby, they don't even do what you tell them to do. It's crazy. It's like they got a mind of their own. So it's our job to train them, equip. The most important job I think it's a parent that God has put us in the earth for, if you could agree with me or not, um, pam is to really equip our children, like give them the tools, yes, to be able to make their own decisions, wise decisions, and be able to be successful, whatever success means to them yeah like.
Speaker 1:I mean not success like you know I'm going to need you to go hustle. You know what I mean Sell some drugs, be a stripper, prostitute not like that. Like I don't want you to have that type of success Like. But I mean like other success, success that's not going to land you in jail or cause some type of harm to you or something right, because things do happen in the middle, uh harm to you or something right, because things do happen in the middle, uh-huh.
Speaker 2:So and like you said, we don't have any control over that, but we know that we gave them tools, so we should have like a little bit more comfort and peace. Yeah, knowing that I gave you the tools and, as you just said, you know, train up a child in the way they should go, so when they get older, they don't run from it, they come back to it. So, even if they dip back it, oh, I still got this in the piggy bank.
Speaker 1:Right, right right.
Speaker 2:I don't know if I should do it this way or that way, but I'm going to try. I know this is my end goal. I know this is a goal.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, like you have some starting point, because I feel like if we don't give our kids the tools, like we're literally sending them outside naked, right Like, and letting the world close them. And you know as well as I know, pam, what's going on in this world today. Like the stuff that's going on today is like so scary, like oh, it's eerie. It's almost like you don't even want to send your child outside, but you also can't shelter your child because you really need your child to be a part of this world, affect the the world, make an influence, an impact on the world. But it's like how do you do that in the midst of all this crazy chaotic I don't even know what to call some of this stuff that's going on between the rights for children, parents' rights, the political.
Speaker 2:So be sure, we're exposing them to it first, we're teaching them to it first, we teaching them about it first. Prime example my guy's son. He was in a band His middle school got to play at William Penn High School for their football games. So William Penn's dance team. Come out, they dance. Well, it was guys in the dance team. Some of them had on certain clothing team, some of them had on certain clothing, some of them had on dresses. My child was able to differentiate like hold up, he's a boy, he's what is he doing out there being silly right he's being so silly, like why is he doing that?
Speaker 2:and right there, I used it as a as learning. Like you know, this is what some people choose to do. Right, I'm not saying it's okay, but this is what some people choose to do. We're not going to bash them for it. I say if it's somebody that we know, we still love them.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:You know, I said we don't have to be around them. I said, but at the same time we're not going to treat them any different, Right? And she just was like but what's making him do that? And I was like that would be a conversation you would have to have personally with him right in this world.
Speaker 1:You know, we teach our children not to judge and we have to constantly remind ourselves not to judge because we've been here so long and we like certain things. It's just, the math is not math.
Speaker 2:When I was younger that wasn't like a big thing right right like you even used to call people like, like studs like you had certain names for it and it wasn't. I don't know. Like what? What is the word that I'm looking for? Like, oh, everywhere you turn right.
Speaker 1:Right, it was a little bit of people were a little bit more private and, well, we used to stay in a closet, didn't really talk about it. I think right now, because this political atmosphere of giving everybody what they want, you know, trying to please everybody for votes, and then also when you think about human rights too right, like you think about human rights, like people have the right to be whoever they want to be, so it's so inclusive. But I think the concern and you know how, you know how sometimes you let something go a little bit, you give something a little leeway and then it takes off Like give an inch and they take a mile. And I think what happened was like because of the freeness that people as adults were being out of the closet, then they allowed their children to like because here's the thing about children they explore that world, right.
Speaker 1:And here's and this is the reason why the train up a child. Kids don't know nothing, like they literally come in this world and some of them got some spiritual insight about some stuff. But, honestly, our job and our role is a parent, like if I got a little girl who thinks that they're a little boy, I'm gonna let them know that they're a little girl. If I have a little boy that thinks that they're a little girl, they I'm gonna let them know. So here's the thing if you have a boy who's raised with all females, he's gonna start doing what the females do, right, but it's your job to say listen, nah, that's not.
Speaker 1:You know, under explaining the role of a boy in the role of a girl, like the gender, the specific gender, right, right, um, but we come away from explaining that and just start to accept everything and it's not like like kids really don't know. So my concern is like we I don't know how we got on this topic, but like being a nurse and one of working in one of the children's hospitals, my I've seen like firsthand giving children at six years old hormones so they can change. For, you know, transition. It hurts my heart, and it's like I'm not judging the situation, but I mean, at six years old, you want to be a boy today, tomorrow, you want to be a snake like you might, you might want to be an elephant like.
Speaker 2:What are your thoughts on the hormones to like to like, going through puberty?
Speaker 1:right when they when they're giving them to like the little girls now right little boys, to calm them down or to stop their menstrual, right, yeah, so I've been through that too, working at the hospital, seeing a lot of it. So it's different reasons why children go through puberty a little bit earlier. A lot of it has to do with the food, right, a lot of it has to do with the food that they're eating and like the behavior, like it's a whole inclusive thing of why children are going through puberty earlier than they were. But then when you look back on it, though, honestly, like some kids were already going through puberty at nine years old, right, you know, back in the day, man, kids, people was having kids at 12 years old I'm about to say Like, but we had got away from that. So now that we start seeing it again, we're like, okay, what's going on? Right, because, honestly, back in the day they were, puberty was pretty early. Yeah, um, but right now, I think the reason why these children are going through puberty this early is definitely the food. There's a lot of stuff in the food and yo, I was reading what we had the other day.
Speaker 1:Oh man, so these were like um wraps, right, but they were um seaweed wraps, right, like they're green, they're seaweed wraps, right, so you can wrap it in vegetables and stuff. Something told me to look at the back of the packet yesterday. Now I'm thinking it's seaweed wraps, they healthy, right, why? You know I'm looking at caloric intake and all this other stuff, right, but don't you know at the'm looking at caloric intake and all this other stuff, right, but don't you know, at the bottom of that packet it says this product is known to cause reproductive cancer. What Yo it be On the seaweed wrap. It was on the food wrap. Yo, if somebody had told me before, like really washed the back of the food because they'd be sneaking, they'd be sneaking, it'd be so tiny. Four like really watched the back of the food because they do be, they sneak, they be sneaking. Yeah, because a lot of our food that's here in the us is banned in other countries, like they can't have other countries. Like no, this costs cancer, we cannot have it. So here in the us with the fd, like we're a little bit different with the usda and we allow certain foods that known carcinogen, right. So when I read the back of that, my heart was broken. That's crazy. My heart was broken because you don't think like. You think that you're eating one way and then something else. It's like you know, even like I.
Speaker 1:Just I don't even know how we got on this subject y'all, but we're going to talk about it. I just read an article because it's all about our kids. We talk about hormones and stuff like that. What's going on in our kids, and as parents we really got to be watchful of what's going on. So there was.
Speaker 1:You know how you go to the produce store and you see the mist coming out. There's a spray over the thing. You think it's water. Yeah, you think it's water. It's not. Some depends on what grocery store it is. It's actually a chemical that is banned in other countries. Wow, Like I researched this.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to get no names out there because I don't have no money for y'all to be suing me, but you can't really sue if it's real right. I don't know. I don't trust y'all out here in this world. So I'm not going to give no names, but do your research. Research this spray that's in the grocery stores. That's spread, because when you go to the pro, they really do it like they use some of the. I could give some names of produce stores that they do. I mean regular grocery stores. Produce stores don't do that. If you notice produce stores, don't, yeah, but some of these grocery stores, well-known grocery stores, have a mist that's sprayed on the um the fruits and vegetables that's what I used to do with that mess what now you can't get the bags open.
Speaker 2:Uh-huh, I used to wait put your finger. I mean it's a chemical, it's like licking my face uh-huh, I'm like I'm touching everything I used to write wait for that miss and open a bunch of bags, yeah listen, that mess is a chemical.
Speaker 1:It was, it was. It was opening a bag. So then the other thing I know how.
Speaker 1:I don't know how we really got on this food talk, but, seriously, because I'm like so stressed out and frustrated about the food and I was like this is why the bible tells us to pray over our food. Because you don't know, because, even like another thing I was reading like you know how you wash your, your fruits, and right, you scrub them, either with baking soda or you scrub them with vinegar, depends on which one it is. You can't do it both, though you should never do baking soda, and because then you're going to make it a base. It's not going to neutralize and it's not going to clean anything you know or you might pass out, but even though we're scrubbing that, the pesticides are grown inside of as it grows.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So, even if we're thinking we're doing something, we're scrubbing the outside of it, which we should, because you just never know but honestly, a lot of our produce, if they're using the pesticides and stuff, it's actually grown within. Oh, that's a word. Right there, it's grown, it's as it grows, right. It's not something that you're just right there, it's grown, it's as it grow right.
Speaker 2:it's not something that you're just putting on the outside, it's, it's in them it is because think about when the farmers what they have to do to prepare their field for the harvest for the next season, the different things they have to spray on it, the different things they have to use.
Speaker 2:So, like you said, you really do got to prepare your field. A girlfriend of mine like I don't even know what I'm eating now, at this point I'm only eating packed tuna. Listen, I'm like no, I feel you. She was like because this is so much. She was like my chicken, I want to soak it. She was like everything shredded, it looked like yarn or cotton. She was like I don't know what it was. She was like I and she was mad because she wanted to make chicken tacos. And she was like like what?
Speaker 1:is it? What is this? It turned like white it was yeah, so you gotta be careful, man. It's hard, it is really hard out here too my child.
Speaker 2:She don't eat meat. She did it on her own, so it is like starches and grains and fruits and veggies. I'd be like Tori, you can shake it. You can shake it.
Speaker 1:My kids went through a phase. I mean, we were pescatarians, vegetarians, and we went straight vegan. Really, going straight vegan messed us up, though, because we didn't have the proper vitamins and stuff. My teeth start breaking, start having problems with my bones and stuff because you, you need the vitamins. So, um, yeah, so we do eat meat because you know it is so much better to get your protein in a whole form, and also, like people don't understand what's in some of these meats, like the vitamins and stuff like that and um, so I get people that don't eat meat or whatever and you try to supplement or whatever, but honestly, yeah, we're not going to touch that. So it is difficult. You got to really be careful even getting the meat, like you said, like I try my best to make sure that it's antibiotic-free, just any other, and honestly, I just really pray with my food because, at the end of the day, I got to eat, my kids got to eat, but it's also just being aware of what's in the food, like we just talked about.
Speaker 1:Like a lot of this red dye red dye you know, red dye is banned in other countries. Like there's a lot of stuff that we feed our kids that are banned, like again, like one of my biggest things about when I'm giving my godchildren like juices and stuff like that, when I give it to them, um, like I don't have anything. Well, even for myself, if I can't see through it, we're not drinking it, right? Because you know, like those Capri Suns, like that pack, like you cut that open, you can see a bunch of stuff, the cardboard, I mean. Think about it, it's cardboard, it's like it's paper, like anything can grow, like the slightest little hole, mold can grow in it. So if I, if I can't see through it, like I won't give it to them and for the most part they drink water, but every now and then I do try to give them some juice or something, but because I I've seen the nastiness and I'm like literally growing inside of those things do you know what I like more?
Speaker 2:store brand stuff. Oh yeah, I'm not really crazy about a lot of the name brands because where they have gone to extend their products so they could basically produce more Like when I was a manager at Aldi's, that was something that I've really gotten to because they like to use local farmers for certain stuff. But as Aldi started to grow, of course their demand went up. And when people find out about them. It's like, oh, you know they're really not bad, so people are coming in so they have to produce more.
Speaker 2:So now they're not just doing local farms, they're doing other farms as well, and their standard did kind of dim me down, if I'm being honest when it comes to like meat wise, but as far as their fruits and veggies, they're only getting them from particular people.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But I saw that and I was just like it's crazy, right.
Speaker 1:So I always try to do local farms and things like that. So, first of all, because then you know exactly where it came from in it, right, you know, and it's not that marked up stuff in it. You know, because for it to travel to us, like it got to go through a certain process, like that's why, like, if I don't get fresh produce, like right there, locally fresh, like I do, frozen, because that's when it's best, at least it's shipped and it's frozen but it's so scary, like how we have to monitor everything for our kids, for the, you know, because kids need certain things for good, healthy brain and development, right, right. So a lot of times, like we try to withhold things for our kids, like we want to put them like skin, milk and stuff like that, but we need like whole fat stuff for them, kids, to bring.
Speaker 2:It has no purpose. In all honesty, it's just like almond milk yeah you're giving that to them as a supplement, but is it?
Speaker 1:it's not really a supplement right, because it's still lacking that. So here's the thing, like the reason why you know when they had whole. First of all, I don't think anybody should be drinking whole, not no whole milk and it's from the cow, like I'm just saying, but like, especially particularly african americans it's a study like african americans have the the highest rate of lactose intolerance, right. So lactose, lactose intolerance is because we're drinking whole milk. We're drinking cow's milk, right, and that does not have a nutritional value for us. We can't tolerate that. Adults can't, particularly African-Americans cannot tolerate the lactose, which is the sugar. Right, milk is the sugar.
Speaker 1:So we try to supplement with other things. But the problem is when we supplement with other things. Like you know, when you buy certain milk in a grocery store, like it's added vitamin D, vitamin C and stuff, but then some of these other supplements don't have that in it and we're still not getting enough. Like we're still the highest lack, high vitamin D deficiency. How did vitamin D? Yeah, vitamin D. African-americans have the highest vitamin D. African Americans have the highest vitamin D deficiency, but we need it the most. Like vitamin D is not just for you know, your muscles, like your bones and stuff like that. Like they tell you to do calcium and vitamin D mix, because that's how I absorb, but it also helps with mental like vitamin D. People don't understand how important, like, if you look at the levels of somebody who's depressed, I guarantee their vitamin D level is low Right, and we're showing that low vitamin D levels are in kids, too, so now we're making sure that we give them vitamin D. I don't know how we got on this topic, but it's really important, though, how we're giving our kids, though it is Because we talk about for them to be successful.
Speaker 1:Well, we got to give them all the tools. That's part of the tools. And well, we got to give them all the tools. That's part of the tools. In order for us to do that, we got to research it ourselves, like, and it's hard to find the right information, though, like you're looking here, oh, one minute, this is good for you and one minute that well made it.
Speaker 1:Maybe it's not, but you just brought a point earlier, though. So, at one point, something may have been good for you, but because they maybe outsourced it or did something else and it's no longer good for you and you're still eating the same thing, thinking it's good for you Because I did not know that Aldi doesn't just do local anymore. Like that was one of the reasons why I was going there For their meat. Yeah, but that's why I was going there for their meats, though, because their meats was always so pure and whatever. But you don't know that because they're not going to advertise that. You just know something that that they known for right, and if we don't do our research and we don't constantly check and see what's going on, we're going to continue to give our kids bad stuff.
Speaker 2:yep because, like at one point, they even put limits on me, like you can only get one pack, because it was. It was just like going off the shelves so fast it was just like everybody found out about audio at one time and started swarming up. If, if you notice, like in Delaware alone, we had the one that was in Middletown and then that was like it for a while. Then they built the one in Smyrna right and then they started building them.
Speaker 2:They actually came from lower Delaware went their way up before the one in Middletown, the closest one we had was like Elkton right then we got Middletown. Now we have the one on Kirkwood Highway and then we got one on 273. So they're popping up all over the place, almost like McDonald's yeah but you think they are really, these local farmers, is really producing enough right or all these to get it right, you know like, but I will say it's certain, it's certain things that the veggies, the fruit, like it had.
Speaker 2:It's a certain look, it's a certain standard that it had to have. I were trashing it right sometimes I was. We were trashing so much. I'm like pause, this is getting out of hand. They're like no, it doesn't look like this, like we literally have a checklist. At 5 am, we had a checklist. It had to look a certain way no bruises. No this, no that wow, wow.
Speaker 1:You know a couple people I know they grow their own stuff. They have like their own. Yeah, they they're growing that stuff out of containers or even um, in their backyard and I'm just like that is so awesome because you know what you put inside yourself. First of all, you put your love in it. You're praying over your food and nobody else is able to take that. It's just that it takes some work, but I do, and I'm gonna have a couple guests on here. We're gonna have a couple guests on here who actually can tell us and show us how to have our produce and vegetables in containers in our own backyard, in our own house house, and how you can actually have your backyard certified from USDA as a farm, like even your own local backyard. Wow, about growing your own stuff, like you can actually, and then you can start getting funds for a farm for your own backyard. Yeah, I know somebody and I'm gonna have her on here, but she, she makes like berry jam, like wow, she, yeah, um, she, she's amazing, she does.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, jamaican farm mom well, I'm excited about that because you know, with tour, um, like for tours, first two years of life I did I made everything with my breast milk that she would eat, but I only went to like little farms in our markets to get her fresh produce and I made all her baby food like on the stove. No baby bullet, none of that. On the stove, pouring it down like freezing it, packing it, storing it. And I said, mom, I want a garden one day.
Speaker 1:I just want to get me a garden yo she was like, no, you need one.
Speaker 2:And I was like I would cook for like everybody's baby.
Speaker 1:Listen, I really do want. My desire is to have a farmland, right? Do you know like there's a bunch of famous people who stopped, like left music, left acting, left the NFL, to build their own farms? Wow, now some of them did it, for you know the cannabis stuff.
Speaker 2:That was what I knew of.
Speaker 1:But no, these are like people who really have their own farm. Like real food, and the thing about it is that after you, when you have a farm, you get to produce so much, so, after you finish feeding your family, your neighborhood, whatever you be able to give it to other people, like we really can solve the homeless crisis by literally just everybody having a farm and trading food for each other.
Speaker 2:Like, like I grow this yeah, like this is what you got.
Speaker 1:We meet together every week that's one of the way to solve the food shortage. Like we'll have surplus, like for real. That's how the countries do it and that that's why they're shipping stuff over here. What they're sending to us is their surplus stuff. They're selling it to us, yeah, when we can do it for ourselves, all right, y'all. So that's what we were talking about.
Speaker 1:I don't know how we got on that but that's so important to talk about, though I think that's such. We could go on as far as food and snacks and all that other stuff, like I. Really it's a real oh, that's a deep topic and we can go far with that. But tonight you know for the next 20 minutes, because we're not already focused tonight what our little disagreement was before we came live, because Pam and I had a disagreement. Y'all Most of y'all know me. Anybody who knows me knows that I don't lay hands on kids. I don't lay hands on them. That's just. It's a lot of reasons why I don't do it, and I think I probably should have did it with the one that touched my end of the game. So she's 16 now. It's kind of too late, but I think if I would have laid my hands on her earlier. But anyway, I don't lay hands. But Pam, on the other hand, just informed me that she does lay hands.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I don't like that, so we're going to talk about that. So tonight we're going to talk about different parenting styles. Y'all right. We're going to talk about the authoritative parent. We're going to talk about the gentle parent. A lot of people have a misconception. Hold on, A lot of people have a misconception on what gentle parenting is.
Speaker 2:Donna believes that I have a misconception on what gentle parenting is, but sometimes I can't go that route with my child. You know, know those who labor among you, and you got the no tour. What's she being? Tour victoria or big girl? And my mom calls her ladybug because she's like that ladybug, just be everywhere listen, man.
Speaker 1:So here's my's, my take Everybody. Take a deep breath Because my Stop laughing, because I, oh God. So what I've seen and what I've noticed and what I've experienced is that a lot of times, parents are laying hands on their children without actually educating them prior to that situation. So that's my concern. Or or they kind of do it in anger and get out of hand, right?
Speaker 1:So when we talk about, you know, child abuse and discipline, which are two different things, a lot of times what happened in the reason why the courts and stuff got involved? Honestly, it's because parents was taking it too far, like parents was killing their kids, breaking them, doing all types of stuff. Because parents was taking it too far, like parents was killing their kids, breaking them, doing all types of stuff, because they were doing it in anger. Right, so physically disciplining your child in anger will always cause a bigger issue, right? Because I'm telling you, say you're this is the thing too in my mind you done smacked somebody, you. My child, like you, 10 years old, you done smacked somebody. So then I come smack you. So how am I teaching you not to smack people? Or we just smack people, right? Yeah, like, how am I teaching. How am I teaching you not to be so aggressive, but being aggressive right? So that's my take on it.
Speaker 2:Like I it's not with that part.
Speaker 1:It's not, um, that I don't believe in discipline, I just think that there's a structured way of doing it. So sometimes you know if, if a kid is in danger, right you, I've taught you you have to cross the street if you just gonna run, okay, now you about to die. Like I gotta get you to that fear. Understand like you're literally your life is is on the line here. But for other stuff, like you know, you didn't do your chores or something, even getting sassy a little bit, stuff like that I just in my in my mind and in my heart. Just how am I teaching you not to do something by doing it? It just doesn't add up to me. But go ahead.
Speaker 2:Okay, so, like, if I talk to you and I tell you you know, when you done playing with something, it gets put away. And you got your days where you choose to do it. And you got your days where you choose to do it, then what I'm telling you, you're getting smart to me and you're rolling your eyes thinking I'm not seeing it. That don't deserve a little pluck or a little pop in the back of the head. What, yes, you're?
Speaker 1:going to get a little pluck. So let me ask so okay, so they were basically showing their emotions, like they were showing how they feel about the situation, right, okay? So you're saying that if she rolls her eyes or something like that, she deserves a pluck?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What does that pluck teach her?
Speaker 2:Don't do that again. She said Mommy, you saw what I did. If I catch her from the back, she'd be like Mom, you saw what I did. I'd be like, mommy, you saw what I did. If I catch her from the back, she'd be like Mom, you saw what I did. I'd be like yeah, I saw you. She'd say I shouldn't have did that.
Speaker 1:Before you plucked her or after you plucked her?
Speaker 2:After I plucked her Because she was trying to figure out why she plucked me in the back of her head. I plucked her in the back of her head, yeah, because I saw you, or why did you get nasty with me? So I get what you're saying, but we already had a conversation before. So you know, if you start breaking the rules, these are some of your consequences. I've already tried to. You can't have your iPad or you can't ride your bike, you can't go outside, you can't go to Aunt Mary's or this person's house. We're not doing this this week. I've already done that. Some of the things she's almost immune to. Right week, I've already done that. Some of the things she's almost immune to Right so.
Speaker 2:I'm not like every day bop, bop, or every day like the screaming and stuff. Yeah, the screaming stuff, no, no, I'd rather pluck her before I scream to you, because I don't want you to think that somebody should be yelling at you all the time Now she know, people shouldn't just be hearing.
Speaker 1:Oh, I was curious's crazy, so you want her to say that.
Speaker 2:But my mom said somebody hit me in the back.
Speaker 1:She didn't hit somebody damn man, you were just gangsta teaching her to so I think we have an understanding that right just like my brother.
Speaker 2:He didn't never agree. He doesn't agree with like belt beating and, like you said, being angry and hitting them. But again, if I've warned you and I've told you not to do something and then I tell you the next time you do it this, this is the consequence. The next time to it you know you're gonna get a pop or whatever. So we have to understand it right.
Speaker 1:Well, let's talk about all right. So we're gonna talk about beatings and then we're going to talk about other things, like yelling and screaming at you know, there's an issue too, right, um, calling kids names and being like, yeah, like, and a lot of times angry because you're not with the spouse, the the part, and the child's mother or father, whatever. You start calling these kids nice, um, but let's say what's the pros and cons and, uh, physically disciplining your children, like.
Speaker 2:Let's think about that like so for me, like I was the child out of all four of us, like I got the most beatings I could say like, I like, I did like all the time, like, like, what the heck like?
Speaker 2:is it that necessary to the point where, sometimes, like you shouldn't even got that B Yay, but you can't send your bag? However, I feel like in certain ways, they did like benefit me. You know what I'm saying, because we had names for belts. So when I got, if she's telling me that I'm about to get a certain one, like I'm stretching my life out.
Speaker 1:Wait. Flag on the play what Y'all had names for. Like each name.
Speaker 2:It wasn't like one Belda. Harry by name on it Like you had different. We had Thunder Right in front of Thunder. I'm so serious. If my mom is watching this she knows she used to be like that. Right there will get you thunder. We used to be like no, we don't want that. So she had thickness and different belts Because you know, my mom was in correction. So they had to have certain belts for their gear. You know so that one that she had to wear for her gear, that was thunder.
Speaker 1:We got thunder, we got tornado.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then it was like some little simple one. It was a little thin one I'm gonna ask her I'll come back and tell y'all.
Speaker 2:It was like a little thin one, so it was just like, oh, you know, but with the thunder you only needed one. I mean, that's freaking a thunder, I'm not doing it again, wow. My brother, on the other hand, like I didn't resent my mom for beating me. I used to just be like, because I got to the point, I'm like, oh, I'm probably going to get in trouble. I'm going to layer up. So like yeah, I was smart in the game. However, with my brother, he resented. Like my brother, who was 11 months from me, he resented my mom for that. She just found out, probably like maybe like three, four years ago. Wow, he was like, like why did you do that? I hated you for that. Like I didn't understand.
Speaker 2:He's like because I feel like some of that was from other things and you didn't know how to communicate them so you used to already come home on 10 like yeah you got an attitude like we just might didn't experience something for the first time, like right, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Like sometimes we're so quick to to whatever we're if we don't handle whatever we got going on emotionally, because a lot of times, even back in the day, we've never talked about emotions like right now emotionally intelligent, right now emotionally available, unavailable. These are new topics. Right, right, these are words that we have that back in the day we just never talked about. Like you know and and I don't know, like I feel like a lot of stuff is really sprung from slavery, where you're not, you weren't supposed to have emotions, you weren't supposed to show that emotion. And then it just comes to generational and generational, and that's how our grandparents, our great grandparents, and just continue, and nobody began to challenge some of these things or why we're acting this way. Right? So now, with this new generation, these kids like we, different, why are y'all doing that? Like so? It's different and it comes off disrespectful, but it really isn't. It's just like they're questioning why we're doing certain things that we should have questioned a long time ago.
Speaker 2:Right, like we take it on and they like they ain't got nothing to do with it.
Speaker 1:But listen, listen. Why are we doing?
Speaker 2:that.
Speaker 1:Why are you right? So, yeah, sometimes back in the day, as parents they weren't emotionally available. So whatever went on outside of the house, those people in the house got it. Yeah, especially, and it always landed on the kids, because the kids are innocent and they cannot protect their self and they're under your authority. Because then you start hearing I brought you in this world.
Speaker 1:That sounds like real abuse. Then you start hearing I brought you in this world. When you say it is, but it's really. People don't realize that it sounds like real abuse, right, but if you're not in tune with it, you're not thinking about it like that's modern day slavery, like it's a lot of stuff going on, and like you. And then if you begin to challenge, the first thing that your parent will say is I brought you in this world, I'll take you out now if don't scare you. I don't know what's scary. Like you can take me out of this world. I'm going to shut up and never talk again. You will never understand my emotions because I'm never going to show you those emotions. Because you brought me in this world, whatever you had to do to bring me in this world, but you also have the ability to take me out.
Speaker 1:And the reason why kids became scared because parents were taking kids out. It was a real thing. No, you're right. Or like they get you the guilt trip of I got. I provide food, clothes and shelter for you, right. And we never talked about the emotional point. So parents weren't dealing with their own emotions. Kids emotions would bottle up and then it was just kids be, begin to behave a certain way because they weren't able to express themselves. And then the parents, who are not emotionally intelligent right, weren't able to discipline their kids appropriately or understand what they're going through. So then they lash out and they whoop them and they beat them and they hurt them and they crush their spirit in their hearts.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Now that's why you got like low self-esteem. You have all different kinds of things. Wow, well, you just broke that deal like yeah, oh, that's crazy, it's crazy. But me as a kid, I'm just like she's mad at some of us. I don't even care, yeah, so even sometimes, when, when, like I would get a, b and I'm like I ain't even do nothing, like it was times I took it for the whole team.
Speaker 2:I wasn't even there, but I'm just kidding, you get what I'm saying and when I realized that I'd be like yo, like mommy, really mad, like what is she upset about? And then, like my dad, he wouldn't be as. He'd be like Mary, don't beat my kids, right. So we used to crack up at that. But I remember one time I asked Marry, don't beat my kids, right. So we used to crack up at that. But I remember one time I asked my dad to go somewhere. Right, he told me, man, when he said it, like with this demeanor, it was just like so harsh, and I said I walked through. I said I don't know who he talking to. I'm a girl, right, I got gripped up. I was 14. I'll never forget, forget. I got gripped up so quick. I said you, you ready to get off? I told myself I'm gonna tell my mom he's having a parent too. I said oh, yeah, I said, but you ain't never did that.
Speaker 2:I'm 14 years old and I never got in trouble by my dad, so it was just like he was the parent, like, come here what you do right what made you do that? They was messing with you wasn't there. They did this or they did that his thing was let's let's talk about it. Let's talk, don't be doing that again, because I gotta leave work and come get you from school. Or I gotta do this or you're gonna upset mommy like right just do right and it's like okay yeah but my mom not hearing it, yeah, no, so I.
Speaker 1:So I used to. You know, in the household growing up it was the four of us when we were really young, before a lot of crazy stuff happened, but I used to my mom there was a big belt. It had holes in it and it had everybody's name on there. Right, it was fat and it had everybody's name on it All of them. Yeah it, it was a real belt, like everybody. It should have been a big thunder. It was a big thunder Something, because that thing was no joke.
Speaker 1:But my mom used to go off all the time. Now that I look back on it, there's a lot of things I process now, but back in the day she used to go off all the time and me I never wanted to see my mom angry, right, I wanted to be able to please her or whatever. So whenever she'd be like somebody did something and everybody come downstairs and line up and nobody wants to own it or everybody's getting a whooping. So me, I'm like I don't want her angry and I don't want everybody get a whooping, even though I didn't. That, yeah, that's a lot like even though I didn't do anything. I used to take the beatings for the team. I was a tough one though. I was a fighter and stuff like I used to take the beating, but it was a lot of us me feeling bad for my mom and then me feeling bad for my siblings, so that was me just trying to please, even at a young age. Trying to please everybody, even if it caused for me to be the sacrifice.
Speaker 1:wow, that's something like, yeah, I was just, I was like dissecting it yeah now, because as an adult I had to figure out why I always thought I was a sacrifice, like I had to be the sacrifice you talked about that, like with your marriage, and everything like it went with you from a child.
Speaker 2:Like that cortex is real yo I just wow what you learn seeing here is like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So then the other reason why, one of the other reasons why I'm very careful of like, discipline, kids me working in the nurses a children's hospital, right For so long I've seen in working as a foster care coordinator Right, and now advocate for kids and foster care. I've seen the worst of the worst and a lot of it is out of anger and frustration. So I always tell people like, calm down before before you, discipline, think about it before you do. I had a young lady who was 15 years old and her dad you know she wasn't allowed to date or anything like we, you ain't dating or whatever and she would hurt her. She snuck a boy in the house and they weren't doing anything but the fact that it was a male in the house and the dad went off and he shot her. Yeah, he shot her, he shot his own daughter because he was so angry. That's what I'm saying. This is what anger would do so because he was upset or whatever reason.
Speaker 1:You know, as a, as a parent, you don't want to see your kid go down the same path you did. You don't want to see your kid done wrong. You and then also you're the authoritative parent you don't want to see your kid do something that you told him not to do, right? So then you start to go and do crazy things, but he shot her and she was in the hospital for like over a year and and she can't walk and she can't talk or anything like that, and, um, of course he's in jail.
Speaker 1:But like, her brain you can't even like her face is sunk in and everything like the girl survived, but at what cost? Like so, because the dad was so angry and he shot her like, so, like, do you say that? That's like, oh, she deserved to get shot because she should have did what he said? No, then I have another case where the little boy was only four years old and he stole a quarter off his mom dresser. Now, you know, back in the day we got in trouble for stealing, right, but she decided. But she decided to set his fingers on fire.
Speaker 2:Now, well, well, well, see, that's what I'm saying. Like you gotta have some limits and some boundaries, because just like Frank said, if I know like if I feel like I'm gonna scream or I feel like my mom is addressed, the thing right then, and my mom thing was addressed, the thing right then.
Speaker 2:And there, after a while, you done forgot what you done, did so like don't come back from that thing so my thing is, if I can't address it the way I want to be addressed, even right now as an adult, like I'm not going to address it with to her right so if I feel like I'm going to scream and holler, I'm not not going to say anything about it. I'm going to come back to her later, but I'm not going to beat her then you give right, right, I'm not going to spend a block and beat you and it done happen hours and hours and hours ago.
Speaker 2:We're not doing that. But what I am going to say, like next time you move like this, it's going to be some other consequences right we're not just going to have to throw. Say bye to a toy or do this like it's going to be some other stuff that happens do you understand what I'm saying to you? She goes yes, I said no, but you're not giving me eye contact. Do you understand? So, like at that point, that's like past anger, that's rage that's rage and that's what's happening a lot of times.
Speaker 1:Parents are parenting and rage. They're parenting out of frustration and rage and they're harming children the way that you just said it. Now, like I constantly see people spin the block, about a day ago or two days ago, you did this and now I'm going. No, I'm pissed off so much I feel like taking this anger out on you. They say you forget that, man.
Speaker 2:You forget that child and move on.
Speaker 1:Don't do that to them kids, yeah, so a lot of stuff happened um so a lot.
Speaker 2:That's crazy.
Speaker 1:Set the fingers on fire yeah it, I got some stories for you about what happened stop saying that to her.
Speaker 2:I just said like, like my mom used to bring that heat to you. That means like uh-huh, but I'm like girl'm going to set you on fire, but I'm being like, I'm going to bake you out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, literally, people set their kids on fire. Literally, a lot of things happen. Now I can't even say that it's really. I think parenting has to be so intentional, no matter what style your parenting is Like. What do you want your outcome to be? Like we just talking about, like you know, raising our kids so that they could be successful, right? So what am I putting more damage in you? Am I hindering you? Or am I causing you to not be able to grow and develop properly? Like, what am I doing to hurt you? Now, if I'm disciplining you, to teach you?
Speaker 1:This is the way to go and I've already had I can't tell nobody how to parent, but if I've already went through the steps of having conversation, this is not the first thing, that first time you're hearing about this, and I'm not just going off to go off like, for example, I told you, like I do, I have adult temper tantrum. Yeah, I'm listen, I'm trying, y'all, I'm trying. But the one that touched my inner gangsta just be getting me. Or even my son. Now, like you know these 16-year-olds, like you know, his whole thing is he don't be doing what I tell him to do. And, again, we don't control our kids. But if I already had a conversation with you about taking the trash out and I come back in the house and the trash man is coming down in black and that trash is not out, I'm upset, get up. What did I tell you? Right?
Speaker 1:And then, at the same time, though, I did have a conversation with Kels, my prayer partner. We were talking about the difference between boys and girls. My girls, I could tell them, and they got it. My son, he'd be like can you write that down? Can you send it to me? And he's serious. He's so serious and I don't understand why I got to write it down. I just told you, but now the result of it, of him not being able to write it down or me not sending it to him, it's not getting done. So even though he, yeah, even though he told me what he needed me as a parent I didn't honor and respect it. I'm telling you what I need you to take that trash out now. But he's telling you, mom, I need you to write this stuff down because I'm not going to be able to remember it. And he proved that that's true. But how can I get mad at him when he told me what?
Speaker 2:he needed. He's telling you the tools that he needs to be successful and to be neglected to show up and serve in that area. Dang Pam, Did you have to hit me like that? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's wild Yo, that's something, but did you have to hit me like that? Yeah, yeah, that's wild yo, yo that's something, but did you have to hit me? Okay, you smacked me.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's payback, because I told you not to lay hands on tour yeah, okay, I'm trying to get better with it, but it keep, keep continuing to be a lot of talking it's like talking.
Speaker 1:I think that communication but I really do, because it helps them communicate with other people too I think, like most of all, we don't realize how we discipline our children is how they're going to show up in the world. And if we're constantly beating and yelling and screaming and being aggressive to them of things that we don't like, that's teaching them how to do that to others and also for them not to respond until somebody does that to them. That's why these teachers are having trouble. I'm not moving unless you're yelling at me or you're screaming at me. That's why these teachers can't really do education because they're disciplined and they've got to threaten the kids with different family members.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's like our children are so accustomed to one way of discipline, which is very aggressive sometimes, that sometimes it's necessary, but it's just a way of doing things. But it now circulates outside of the house and into the schools and we wonder why these teachers are having so many problems. Because Johnny can't hear, because you done yelled at Johnny all the time and Johnny can only hear when I'm screaming at him, why I gotta scream at Johnny, because that's the only way that he responds, because that's what he's used to. So we gotta just take parenting. We gotta figure this out and parent appropriately to each.
Speaker 1:Every, every child needs a different style of parenting. Like I got the four and every every kid is different. Like, oh, every kid is different. And then they think that I'm taking like the one to test my engagement all the time. She's like you, let them get away. No, no, no, it's a difference, because they actually is listening to me, but you're not. So now I gotta handle you a different way. Um, I am trying to be a little bit better emotionally with her, the 16 year old, because I'll be walking away, because I'm like I'm not going to jail for no kid, like because she be doing stuff to make me so mad and I think she wake up, be like yeah yeah, like yeah, like so now, and I'm just like okay, yeah, yeah, like I feel like she wake up and say what I'm gonna do today to her.
Speaker 1:Let me see if we gonna get them attended, see how godly she is, or see if the holy ghost still in her. I said I've been thinking that she be trying to test me, like I wonder if she's still gonna be. God, you know, I see her. She ain't break yet, but I want y'all to break her.
Speaker 1:I feel like she be trying to break me, though I do, but trying to, instead of walking and saying I don't want to talk to you because I can't control my emotions at the time, because now I'm feeling disrespected, so now I'm going on a defense and I'm not being able to parent properly, because now I'm emotionally a wreck, because you done made me mad. So I'm trying my best to get my emotions intact so that when she does stuff she don't understand and don't move me. Like you know, like you not make me so mad where I gotta walk away and forget that I told you to clean that room for two weeks straight. Like we, we're not gonna do that. So I'm working on that. So, as parents, that's what we got to do like recognize, like that area's a little weak. But, like we, I'm not telling people how to parent, I'm just saying that what, what outcome do we want and how do we work towards that outcome?
Speaker 2:And do you even realize your style of parenting? I would say is just take a moment to step back, be brief and see the style that you are parenting, see the results that you are getting and, as Donna said, like are those the results that you want?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What do you even just maybe getting a little feedback see what they say like if, if you was the parent and you know, give it to them that way. You know some of them that are younger just say now, did mommy or daddy tell you to do this? They say, yes, now. Now, was that that was that nice, was that good? How did that make you feel? Knowing that it upset me just asking them, them different questions and going from that for the younger ones you know, coming at it with different angles for the different age.
Speaker 2:You know age appropriate, but, like you said, so we can start getting the results we can see, because then that has an effect on the home, the neighborhood, the community, and then now you know the schools, and then as the work, right.
Speaker 1:Right, because, believe it or not, like again, we talk about closing our clothing, our children, so that the world doesn't clothe them. Because, like, I see so many children like disrespecting adults out here in the world and my first thing is like, well, how do you treat your mom, how do you treat your dad? Or, and then I had to think about, well, how are they treating you? Because we only act, you know, according to how we're treated or whatever is going on in the household. So, whatever goes on, the household, the house is, the is is where you your first education, your first love, your how you learn, how to communicate and deal with people. You learned that the first years of life. So if that is tainted, you're going to go out in the world and do the same thing. And we're wondering why these kids are having so many problems. You don't want them resenting you either. Right, you got to check it. Honestly, parents, we really need to check ourselves before we wreck our children.
Speaker 1:It's really, it's really it's really they used to say check yourself before you wreck yourself. Now you won't wreck these kids. Yeah, and, and it could be non-intentional, but we got to be intentional of how we parent. You know, whatever, whatever sometimes, like, maybe you're authoritative parent, meaning that you're a dictatorship or whatever, because that's how you were raised, that's how your mama was raised. But then I would ask you, how did that work for you? How do you feel about that? You didn't even like it, but then you're going to do it for your own kids.
Speaker 1:So I think it's really just evaluating on what we want and the approach of how to get to it keeping our kids intact as much as possible, like not breaking them apart, you know, not with our own. You know, there's a scripture that I always hear like a woman breaks, um breaks up their home with their own hands, and I think that goes with breaking up our kids with our own hands. Like we don't want to break our children before they even have a chance for a future oh yeah yeah, right, yeah, you know, because we keep saying our kids are the future.
Speaker 1:Well, ain't gonna be a future if we breaking them. We gotta stop, and especially with with everything going on in the world. These kids are different. They're so intelligent and they could just do stuff like in a blink of an eye, like I really believe that the generations that are coming before us now really have a good insight of even what this political war is, what the spiritual war is, with a lot of stuff that we've been fighting for years, a lot of demons that we've been fighting that or we haven't even choose to, chosen to fight and just let it walk around. And then our kids have to fight these things. And I think that these are the generations now who are making parents aware and check their self so that we don't continue to break or bleed or do anything disruptive to our children.
Speaker 1:Now, there's not such thing as a perfect parent, but I'm the perfect parent for you. You know what I mean. I tell my kids, listen, I ain't the perfect parent, but I'm the perfect parent, but I'm the perfect parent for you. You know what I mean. Like I tell my kids like that I ain't listen, I ain't the perfect parent, but I'm the perfect parent for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I tell a story. God, god gave me you, god gave me to you for a reason. Yeah, I think I know a little bit of what.
Speaker 1:I'm doing something, something, something. So I've been there for a minute, I'm doing something, something. You still here, right, but I'll be telling. I'll be telling the one that test my integration. I'd be like did you die, though? Did you die? Oh, okay now.
Speaker 1:And because we, we did a monologue in church a couple weeks ago, right, and we were talking about, um, a lot of tragedies that happen in family, and then she brought up um, abraham, putting, you know, his son on the altar, and she was like, what kind of parent would do that? And and I was like, well, god told him to do it or whatever. And then she was like but why would you, why would you do that to your child, right? And then, um, she was like he almost killed his son. I said, but did he die, though? And she was like but he almost. I said, almost doesn't count. So now, when stuff happens, I'll be like did you die, though? Because that's the one I got to check that one like that. The rest of them I don't do that, but anyway.
Speaker 1:So, parenting with a purpose we have to really understand our purpose into this parenting thing, like, what is our calling? I believe that parenting is a ministry, that everything that we do is really the success of our children and teaching them the way to go so that we're not going to be here forever. Right, and we want them to be able to not just be influential in this world but be impactful in this world. Absolutely, how you know, know being, have such an awareness of self-awareness, of how they are and their responses, their emotions, under control and how to communicate with people and how to get things done in this world, because we need them to get things done in this world. So, um, that's pretty much what I got, yeah, as we wrap up, so I don't care what style parenting you have, just evaluate it and see if it's working for you as we wrap up, so I don't care what style of parenting you have.
Speaker 2:just evaluate it and see if it's working for you what you got to say, I agree. Like you said, just take a moment, step back, be brief and start asking more questions so you can have that relationship, have that rapport, even building that bond back If some things have been broken or, um, you know, led astray. Just have that open line of communication and then evaluate yourself, evaluate your situation.
Speaker 1:And I think most importantly as we talked about throughout the show throughout this last year is repairing yourself, healing yourself so that you don't bleed over your children Physically, mentally, financially, whatever area of your life it is like. Fix that so that your children don't carry that burden absolutely um.
Speaker 1:So whatever we got to do, whatever you got to do as parents, you know, just be conscious and be intentional of how you live it. Um, you know stuff that don't work out for you, like, why would you think it work out for the kids that way? Or just thinking about holistically of this parenting thing and how you want your children to be successful and how you as a person outside of your children want to live and be successful, because ultimately, how we treat ourselves is how we treat our children. Period, that's how our household will run. So thank you for joining Parenting with a Purpose. I am your host, donna Janelle, and that is.
Speaker 2:Pamela Chapman.
Speaker 1:You're going to get on cue next time. That's Pam, pam, and we're here to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. I know it's hard, but you can do it and we're here to help you. Thanks for tuning in. Bye.
