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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Guiding Hands: Fathers Shaping Tomorrow's Leaders
Have you ever wondered how the roles of fathers shape the future of their children? Join us on "Parenting with a Purpose" as we celebrate the unsung heroes of fatherhood. This episode delves into the multifaceted responsibilities of fathers in nurturing well-rounded children, especially during June—Father's Month. I share personal stories about prepping my daughter Lizzie for her next big step into the Marines and reflect on our recent peaceful family moments. Fathers, like bows aiming their children as arrows, are instrumental in guiding their kids towards success.
Our special guest, Timothy Moody—better known as Moody—adds a compelling layer to our discussion. As a state trooper and father of two daughters, Moody offers invaluable insights into the challenges and triumphs of fatherhood. He joins frequent contributor Pam and me to discuss the critical role fathers play in their households and communities. Moody's background in mental health further enriches our conversation, emphasizing how paternal involvement impacts children's development and the broader community.
We also tackle the essential roles fathers play in ensuring financial stability and providing emotional support. From overcoming financial hurdles to fostering communication skills in children, we cover it all. Additionally, we emphasize the importance of self-care, not just for parents but for the entire family. Through heartfelt anecdotes and practical advice, this episode underscores the critical need for both parents to work together in raising resilient and well-rounded children. Tune in to gain actionable insights and celebrate the irreplaceable role of fathers in our lives.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Thank you, bye, thank you, hey everybody, welcome back to Parenting with a Purpose. I am your host, the one and only Donna Janelle, where we strive to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. We know, I tell you, parenting is a hard. Knock life out here for us, right? So I was told by my bonus mom stop saying stuff, it's hard. I'm like mom, it's hard, it's hard, it's hard. So my new word is parenting is challenging y'all, it's very challenging, okay, um, and you know, and we're the bows and our children are arrows and they're gonna go wherever we aim them they're gonna land may not be today, may not be tomorrow, man, it may not even be the next five years.
Speaker 1:I I'm going to keep it real, but they're going to land eventually, right? As long as we give them the tools, as long as we dress them so that the world doesn't dress them because we know the world will dress you up with anything right? But as long as we give our kids the proper tools, they will be successful, whatever success means for them and your family. You know, success is different for everybody, right? But as long as we're giving our kids their tools, man, they're going to be able to utilize some tools in their future the father-father future. It's just somewhere. Somehow they will be able to do what you have already poured into them. May not be the same way that we do it, but they will do it right. So our job as parents is make sure that we give our kids the tools so that they can go out and be productive in life, right, be successful, right. So that's what we do at Parents With Purpose, and we talk about what they don't talk about.
Speaker 1:You know, you guys have been watching this show and we talk about some stuff, like last week we talked about some stuff regarding fathers and things like that. So the month of June, you know, has been all about dads, right, we've had all dads on the show and just talking about the role and importance of a father. I think we don't give our fathers enough kudos out here, right, I think we don't talk about, you know, the single dad, the married dad, the co-parenting dad, like dads in all shapes and sizes, as much as we do the mothers, right, mothers I mean we are, are, you know, pretty much the foundation as well, and that we take a lot going and sometimes, um, I think we just talk too much about just being the mother and not giving a man the kudos, because you need a mother and a father, whether you're in the house or outside of the household, to raise your children. Like parents need kids need both parents, period. Yes, you know, I told y'all last week, being a single mom is not a flex. If y'all want to flex, y'all can go ahead, y'all can have that. I've been doing that for 15 years now. I don't like it, okay, don't like it. So, um, basically, that's what we talk about tonight about dads.
Speaker 1:Um, you know, I'm trying to think if I got a story about my kids y'all, because you know I always got a story about somebody. But honestly, you know what it is, it is. It's really everybody's been. You know they're out of school and everybody's been like kind of chilling. Right now we all just geared up for, you know, as I said last week, for Lizzie to go to the Marines. You know we got a little party for her this weekend.
Speaker 1:But that's kind of what we've been focused on. We've been doing nothing. They ain't been cutting up. They ain't been cutting up. They ain't been testing my inner gangsta. They actually been doing cool. Now that I think about it, I don't know if I should say that, but they haven't really been testing my inner gangsta like they normally do.
Speaker 1:But tonight we have guests here. So you guys all know Pam. Pam, she's been a frequent flyer on the show. You're going to see her a lot more. And then we now have Timothy Moody, but we call him Moody, right? He like to go by Moody. So he is our guest here. And me and Pam. You know usually it's like a lot more testosterone in here. They be trying to double team me, triple team me and stuff like that when all the men be in the studio. But I got Pam as my backup today, y'all okay. So we're going to kind of double team Moody today about this father thing. You know, especially being girls and you know most girls are father daughters Like I'm such a daddy's girl it's crazy. So thank you for coming.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. Let's see. Let's see what's going to go on. I'm scared because you said you were going to double team, so I'm ready for y'all, y'all ready listen.
Speaker 1:With your job, I think you good. So, moody, tell us a little bit about yourself, what you do, how many kids you got.
Speaker 3:Break it down a little bit so, like I said, my name is Timothy Moody. I don't know I got this name my high school Moody, so I just go by that. Everybody calls me Moody. My father, obviously to two, my wife we're supportive and I'm a state trooper. So I've been a state trooper for two, almost three years. And that's a little bit about me. We'll talk a little bit more when we get here.
Speaker 3:How many children do you have? I got two girls Two. How many children do you have? I got two girls Two girls, girls, okay. Two boys in the car, two girls, so it's a little different aspect. I bet it is, I bet it is. How old are your girls? So my girls the oldest is four, She'll be two in September, and the youngest, oh man, not younger she is two and she'll be three in January.
Speaker 1:Yo does that youngest, test your inner gangster a little bit. She tests me all the time. That's the one.
Speaker 2:That's the one Every day she tests me.
Speaker 3:I got to realize she a girl and sometimes I just got to do something.
Speaker 1:Yo, it's always one, like I have the four and I'm telling you that's cool. One of them tests my inner games, just so much I keep me on my knees in prayer. You know, I was like you know what? You and I have an amazing relationship with God. You are it because, girl, but that's cool, all right, welcome to the show. All right. So we've been talking about this whole month. We've been talking about the role of a father and the importance of a father, because you know, you can have a role but not really understand the importance of that role, the value of that role and what it brings to the household, to the child, to the community, to the world at large. You know, I had a guest on here last week. He was really good. Like we were talking about like the importance of it and how it really does transcend into our community, because when we look at it, it and it's good that you're a state trooper- too, because I know you probably see some stuff out there, see a lot of stuff.
Speaker 3:I see a lot of stuff, um and. But but before that I actually did a lot of mental health uh things with kids. So, um, I did like normal therapy and I worked actually in like uh treatment facilities and things like that and I see a lot of times people, parents in general I know you're talking about fathers, but you see a lot of those things like those negative things or things that don't fit in the society kind of goes stems back from what is given or not given to the parent, or from the kid, whether it be mother or father, like you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:But a lot of those kids traditionally didn't have their father and their right things like that.
Speaker 1:So oh wow, oh, that's what's up yeah, yeah, this is, this is gonna be good. It's gonna be good because I think, um, when we think about parenting and, like, when you see things happen with our kids in the society, community, when you look down at the root of it, you always, like 85, see that it wasn't a father actively involved in their child's life. Right, you know they're being raised by a single mom and it's not that single mom is. You know it's hard, but we, we moms, like we ain't got the roles of a father, like that's not my job.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you that's just not I don't want it like I'm trying to be the best mom.
Speaker 1:I could be. You want me to be a dad too, like that. I don't want to take on that role. But we do the best that we can with our kids, but I think traditionally, like a lot of time, um, we don't. Single moms or even moms in general, don't understand the value and importance of a father, like the role of a father. Can you talk a little bit about the role of a father all?
Speaker 3:right. So so first of all, kudos to you, for a single mom, because I tell my wife all the time. I don don't know how I'm going to do this without a child. So, kudos to you. But so the role of a father, so that's like a, that's a loaded question, right? So no, role like my role doesn't really translate to another person's role, but they kind of like. Sometimes they might be similar, but it's like with that role is like like no, like one size fit all, or whatever so so like for me I can talk about, like what a role like really looks like for me.
Speaker 3:Um so, obviously the biggest role, not the biggest role in no particular order, but one thing is finances, right so you gotta I make sure that my family is secure, like financially, so that way you can take a lot of those burdens off and you can um support and provide those resources as you spoke to, so that way they can be great uh kids right. So me being financially stable uh allows, like my kids, to kind of um enjoy those resources, whether it be sports or different uh achievements maybe, whether it be trips and things like that. Because I know one thing growing up, my parents did a great job, but then you get to other people right, and they'd be like oh I've been to europe and things like that, like you know me, so I thought my parents were doing good.
Speaker 3:My parents were great but just to make sure that they get those opportunities and make sure that if they have something that I feel that is beneficial and things like that, finances isn't the reason why they don't get it. You know what I mean. So just making sure you know what I mean, I'm going on that front right.
Speaker 1:So wait, let's pause there at the finance we don't talk about. You know, growing up and like what we hear about is being a provider protector, you know, making sure that that's the role of a father, and don't really talk about emotionally intelligence and all that other stuff we'll get into that later but being a provider but what does a provider looks like? Like? That's what, like, you know, what you just said is like it's so. Wow, I'm just like yeah, opportunities like being a provider and being a successful provider, being an effective provider, because you know, a provider that's not struggling not saying, I mean, we all got some struggles or whatever, but take it what you said. One of the things that you said that caught me is like taking making the burden light, like a less burden in the household when the finances are straight and it's going to give your kids more opportunity to be successful.
Speaker 2:It is exposure because, think about it, when your child is like, oh, I want to go here, I want to go there, you don't want to tell them oh, we can't do this because I didn't do right by my finances. They're not going to understand that. What are you talking about? I said I want to go here, so now you're like no, we're going to go to the park. Now they're getting angry.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah Now they're getting upset and you're like you're upset over this, but they're a child, so they don't understand that. So it's like how can you? Teach them by having yourself together before you even have them, man. So before they even came into the picture, you had to already have certain things established and making sure that those things are are good for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so yeah, I think that, and you know, sometimes we so haphazardly just live life, just you know autopilot it.
Speaker 2:It is what it is we get caught up.
Speaker 1:We get caught up, but talking about the preparedness and financial part of it, because that's one of the number one issues, a lot in families, whether it's married, single household, whatever Finances is a major issue, especially with this economy, especially with being black, especially with this economy, especially with being black. You know like it's like. So you know, and I hear people say which I, I don't believe in excuses, excuses. I have a thing about excuses and people tell me it's not excuses, but they really are, but they are. I always hear people say, especially when it comes to men, there's no good jobs out there, there's nothing I can really provide for my family like that right, so I'll be like well, I mean, I see stuff, people hiring all the time.
Speaker 1:I don't understand the problem. Like you know, you start low, then you go up, like I don't understand, you go to school, like there's some things, but I'm not a man. I'm not a black man, so I don't know the challenges of a black man here in this world, but I also see successful black men. So for me to think that it's impossible, it's like it makes me like yo, you making a lot of excuses, bro, what's going on over there? But can you talk to us a little bit about, like, really making yourself financially stable, like what? You know? What does it really take? Like the mental fortitude to to have to be able to say, hey, this is what I need to do.
Speaker 1:I'm going to keep pushing because I'm quite sure you're a state trooper, you're a black state trooper, right? So I'm quite sure there has been some opposition your way from either black people or even a counterpart, like because of your role and who you are and just been a black man in general. Quote unquote successful. You know what I mean, because we're so used to seeing black men and fathers in such a low role and it's crazy, because there's a lot of black men in high roles, but it's not exposed. We don't see it.
Speaker 1:So the picture that the media and social media and the community portrays is that we ain't it. That's not, really not true. You know what I mean Because I know a lot of successful black people. But it's just the exposure but talk. Can you talk a little bit about what it really the the mindset, what it really takes to be financially stable and why it's so important? Like you talked a little bit about, it's important to make sure that these kids get what they need, but really being the leader and the head of the house, okay, yep, so I'm gonna say so every day is every day is a battle, right?
Speaker 3:so, like some days I'm better than other days and things like that. So I'm still working on myself and the thing like that. And and to the to the person who maybe listens to this, who who might be not in a financial place right there, it you just gotta understand that you. You gotta understand your goals and put things together and understand that I need these things to to go well for myself, and I got to figure out how it makes it go well, so it might be going to school.
Speaker 3:It might be talking to a friend, get a connect or whatever it is to to assist you to get to get to that. But, um, I say that to say like so, when I had my first, when I had my first daughter, I wasn't in a place financially where, um, I felt like I needed to be right, I felt like I was doing well, but it was just me and my wife right um, benefits.
Speaker 3:wasn't there like job stability? I was working for a non-profit a great non-profit first of all, but working for a non-profit I was watching jobs kind of the window and go away and things like that. And I'm like whoa, I told my wife like hold on. So at that time where I was working at it, I was getting paid higher than most people, right? So I'm like who's going to be the first one on top of me Wait a minute, hold up and so none of that mattered to me until Tegan came, my oldest daughter Tegan.
Speaker 3:None of that mattered to me, I didn't care about. Like I just cared about now right, I mean right now I was doing well, we was able to do a trip, go on a trip here and there, and things like that. We was living comfortably, doing whatever we wanted to financially. But when I had my oldest daughter I realized well, what's the long-term goal?
Speaker 2:When I turn 55,.
Speaker 3:What is going to happen like?
Speaker 2:you know what I mean like what's going to go, like when it's time for them to go to school.
Speaker 3:Like what are we going to do?
Speaker 1:here.
Speaker 3:Like you know what I'm saying, like I I always hear my wife talk about, uh, private school and things like that. I can't do that, I can't pay for daycare, I can't figure out nothing like you know so it all. They all like start coming to me when I had my daughter. So I wasn't okay then and then so I took a big leap and I went to actually be a police officer in DC because those things were met Right. So now I was.
Speaker 3:I was able to get that financial stability, the longterm and things like that. So I knew what when, when I turned 55, I knew what that looked like with retirement and things like that.
Speaker 3:So I knew what when I turned 55, I knew what that looked like with retirement and things like that. So, but like that avenue all looks different and you have to realize like so I initially applied to be a state trooper in Delaware and I didn't get it. But I knew that policing and outside of money, I knew I wanted to be a police officer but I knew that policing could provide a stable financial platform in long term for me, Right? So I took a sacrifice for my kids, where at the time, my one daughter and I decided I was going to take that leap and drive two hours to work every day.
Speaker 3:And drive two hours back from work every day and drive two hours back from work every day, but I knew that's where I needed to be like as far as making sure that home was taken care of you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:So, although I loved the career, I didn't necessarily want it to go that far. I didn't want to go that far. However, my boy was like yo, you can get hired here and things like that, and you can build your resume. And get hired here and things like that, and you can build your resume and come back and things like that.
Speaker 3:So that's kind of what I did and kind of like to determine like, all right, this is what I need. And I kind of like kind of sat down and I talked to like people close to me and I understand like where do I want to be at, like as far as like financial, like as far as money, um, comfortability, like you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Um, and and the biggest thing for me is not really today.
Speaker 3:You know, obviously I need to pay things like, but it's, it's tomorrow, like it's later on when the. Carols is ready to go to college and things like that. Like, look like, and you touch on something, like oh yeah, I gotta stay down and eventually you'll move up and things like that and so that's what I was looking at. Right, I was looking at the future, because what I'm making right now I'm good and I'll be okay, but when the girls, the real bills, start coming through, the older they get, the more it costs.
Speaker 2:What is that going?
Speaker 3:to look like and I'm looking like. You know what I mean, because here you can look at year 20. And you know what I mean Because here you can look at year 20 and you know what you're going to make. Right, you know what I mean. Or outside of other things and stuff like that. So all right, cool, I'm cool, year 20, we'll be all right you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah yeah, it's like you know what I mean. Am I going to be able to get that?
Speaker 3:And at the time for me and my wife right it was good, it was just us like. And then I was like, all right. When my oldest team came, I was like, need a house.
Speaker 1:I need a yard bedrooms.
Speaker 3:Like everybody, get their own space, because that's what I was for growing up, so that's what I wanted for for them.
Speaker 1:So I think that's awesome because, like what I'm hearing is like father being a father, it takes sacrifice, sacrifice being the leader of your family yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah because I, you know, wow, I can relate driving, because you know for me going back to school, like I live in Middletown, delaware, my school was in New Jersey, ewing, so I was driving every day to um hour, 45 minutes, sometimes three hours coming home or whatever. So I understand when you talk about sacrifice and um, for you to know that like you needed to make that sacrifice, like you wasn't selfish and I think so many times, like we think about like you said, like it was you and your wife, y'all was chilling life was good, like we were chilling.
Speaker 1:We ain't got no issue kids come along, you, you start thinking about flag on the play, like wait a minute. You start thinking like you crazy, wait, we gotta do this, gotta do this, gotta do this, you know, start thinking about that and to be able to make that decision, to make a sacrifice. And that's what I'm talking about when we talk about, like a lot of times people don't see the job that they want, like they know the job that they want, but they don't see it or they don't get it Right.
Speaker 1:So then, what do you do when you don't get what you want?
Speaker 2:Like, do you just so that's what we got to go back to yeah. Because, remember he said he got he applied here in Delaware, right, they like we don't want you right now.
Speaker 1:They ain't saying like that, pam now.
Speaker 2:They're like, nah, he ain't ready for a thing, so it's already another kick, because I'm already not comfortable with the job I got Right. I know I need more. Do you let that like deter you? Is it okay to stay in that spot for a little bit?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:How long can you stay in that spot?
Speaker 3:so that all depends, like I mean, that all depends on that person, right? Like it all depends. So obviously I'm, I was going to stay there until I found something that made me more comfortable where I needed to be, but at the same time I'm like I gotta go get it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how long did it take for that?
Speaker 2:transition when, when you got the notice like oh, they ain't gonna let me in here, you got the notice like, oh, they ain't going to let me in here, you got the word that you could go to DC. How long was that transition? Two months. I was going, so it was basically not really to think about. I got to go do this.
Speaker 3:I'm going. I talked to my wife and we talked about it, so also, it depends on your situation too.
Speaker 2:My situation.
Speaker 3:I know you say you have people on here with all different backgrounds as far as co-parenting and things like that. So me I was actually I was with my wife, so we made sure that that decision was okay for both of us, and you got to understand that sometimes, when you do those things, it's going to feel selfish, right?
Speaker 2:Because now the burden is on the wife, right, you know what I'm saying. So everything there, like you know what I mean. Yeah, I'm driving back and forth, but when I get home I'm exhausted. And then I got to get up and do the same thing right after, so when.
Speaker 3:I'm literally home for enough time to sleep, and then the days I work and then I Back out, go. Or if you talk about when I transitioned to being a Delaware State police officer, I had to do six months in the academy where, monday through Friday, I literally couldn't even call home, literally couldn't call home.
Speaker 2:Oh man yeah.
Speaker 3:Monday through Friday. Now I had really good people where if something was going on, I could call home and things like that. But typically you don't call home Monday through Friday. You go on Monday morning before everybody get up and then Friday night you come home and you're exhausted because they're working Whoa, so kudos to your wife. So you had to. Sometimes those things feel selfish, right, but at the end of the day it's for the ultimate success. For the greater good of the family. Right, right, that's awesome.
Speaker 1:Yo, that's what's up, because I didn't realize it was like that. I'm already, you know, a little stressed out. My daughter about to go on the Marines and she ain't going to be talking to me. You know, I do 13 weeks out there, so when you just talked about that, it kind of hit me. Don't remind me. She ain't going to call me, she ain't been calling me.
Speaker 1:But kudos to your wife, though.
Speaker 1:So that's the important. See, when we talk about and our bishop talked about it recently like we talk about the separate roles but we don't really talk about the roles together, like how important it is in a family, like you know, by the like all right households aren't, they're all different, blended families and everything like that. But the core of the family is two parents in the household, whether it's blended or whether it's bio right, and understanding how a family in a unit works and operates. And once you realize that, you can really understand each individual roles and value each roles, like what I'm hearing here is, like your wife, like kudos to her, like she, she, she valued, she valued you. Like she understood. Yeah, because so many times we devalue people like we, we, you know, throw them away like you ain't really about nothing. Yeah, you selfish, just any other, but the sacrifice it takes for the other person, the partner, to say okay, I hear you, I see you and I'm with you I honor your decision yeah, like that, that right there is lit like.
Speaker 1:We don't talk enough about that too. Like you know, households I think a lot of reasons why the way that the world is in our community with our kids is because we don't have parents who are actively connected to each other, right, whether it doesn't matter how actively connected, like it doesn't matter if it's blended, co-parent, whatever it is, because parenting is parenting, like, at the end of the day, right, and there's so many sacrifice we make as parents. But a lot of times, the reason why our children are behaving the way they are is because they don't see the example. Because how do you demonstrate what you don't see? You can't be what you don't see.
Speaker 1:Not saying you can't because I didn't see it and I'm better now because I worked towards it, but you know not being able to. I was telling my daughter this the other day and I don't remember, it's a quote but if you feed your family, like if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man how to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. So in order to do that, you have to have this, you have to be together.
Speaker 2:Go ahead, Pam, what you want to talk about. No, I heard something similar to that. It was would you rather eat steak or chicken every day? No, would you rather eat steak or chicken?
Speaker 1:every day. No, would you rather eat steak or chicken every day?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you don't know when you're going to get that steak. But how many people are going to say, oh, I want the steak Right? Not really observing and listening? You're listening to respond versus listening to assess the question.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, the steak sound good, I'm going to hire one, but you're only going to get that question. The steak sound good. I'm going to hire one.
Speaker 2:You only going to get that once.
Speaker 1:You got seven days in a week.
Speaker 2:You can make chicken salad you can make fried chicken. There's so many different things you can do with that chicken, but where your mind set at.
Speaker 1:It's your mind. That's what I think when you're sitting here. Just listen to this first portion of it In my mind. I'm just like I can see how important it is for the family unit when I was married. I thought it was important at the time, but I didn't value it as much as now I'm being outside, being divorced and all that. I got married at 19. Married, had a baby, brought a house all that at 19.
Speaker 1:And I didn't understand because I didn't really see it. I just knew I needed to be married, right. I didn't want my kids to grow up without their father in the house. So I literally made myself become the sacrifice, even though it wasn't working. But I sacrificed myself for my children and nobody told me I ain't nobody's superhero. I don't know who told me I had to do that, but that's why I was in counseling for years.
Speaker 1:But no, like I can admit, like being inside the marriage, I didn't value him, I didn't understand his role and it's because I didn't see that myself growing up right.
Speaker 1:So I thought that in the marriage I needed to because my mom you know they were separated and she'd had like different boyfriends where, but it was like she had to be the provider right.
Speaker 1:So I thought in the marriage like I'm being in foster care and then growing up homeless or whatever I thought that I had to be the one to provide protect, even though we know that that's generally the man role. But because I didn't see it and because my ex-husband never met his father right, so the role I began to take on take away from him when he was trying to do that but he had no, nobody show him right. And because I knew how to get it, not how to hustle, make things happen, I literally I feel like I dominated that marriage in that relationship. Now that I look back on it, but sitting here listening to you, I can really see where I was in error at and how. You know. There's a scripture says that a woman breaks up their own house Right, and sometimes we don't realize that we do that by devaluing our partner, the man of the house, and really let him learn how to be a man versus we think that we got to be the man.
Speaker 1:Now I know we talk about the rules of the father, but that's the foundation of the house.
Speaker 1:And now that I'm looking back and listening to you, like I know where I was at era. It wasn't all him and I didn't have the wherewithal to continue after like the 16 years or something like that. Then it was going because I was like it just wasn't working out. But now that I look back on it, like could it fix some stuff and things like that. But the role of having two-parent household is so important. It is Because the children will see it healthy and grow up healthy. Now, if you got two-parent parent household, y'all cutting the food just then the other, like that ain't that, ain't it, that ain't worth that we ain't talking about that so
Speaker 3:then we can really understand the significance of the father yeah, so just to piggyback on something you just said, so just like to build each other up right. So you, you teach that man how to be a man and that that man allows you to be a woman, and that goes back to the kids, just like you said.
Speaker 3:Like, so now you, you are in a healthy relationship and everybody is thriving and in a good space, and I don't know f is off on the kids the kids and they feel that, and so now, I know I see it all the time where, unfortunately, my daughters are gonna get older and they're going to date some, and so hopefully they'll look at ours as an example and they'll see like these are a lot of positive things that my dad and mom did together and this is what I value and these are my value systems and things like that. So I think it's good that everybody learns how to let people be who they are and teach people to be how to yeah, because it's partnership, it's a team, like I ain't got to be the it person, right?
Speaker 1:Let me do this part Because when I look back at the stats, right, the statistics shows that girls do better educationally and interrelationally if their dads are active, healthy in their life. Wow, yeah, in the first year. I hate all them statistics I don't have in it relationally if their dads are active, healthy in their life.
Speaker 1:Wow, um, yeah, the in the first show. I hate all them statistics, I don't have it right now, y'all, but um, just go back to the first episode of this series a couple weeks ago. But it showed that girls because when you think about it, a girl kind of wants normally we look at our mate somewhat similar to our father, right, good, better or different, right, um, because we daddy's girls, like we love our dad. You know what I mean. The dad role is so important and the dad is the first you know person who show the opposite sex love, like not in a you know crazy way, but the standards of it and things like that.
Speaker 1:You know, like I always tell dads, take your daughters out on a date, so they know you know standards, but being that when you don't have that, like if you look at back at relationships, people, women are choosing the wrong men based on their relationship with their father, right? So, whether your father was like the great, amazing man, so you're going to end up with a great and amazing man because you know the standards and you're not going to default from them. But then if you don't, if your child, if your father was abusive to your mother, even if he wasn't abusive to you, yeah, you find it acceptable yeah, so you start.
Speaker 3:Oh, my dad did it yeah right, sometimes it's indirectly, it's indirectly right yeah you just, you don't even know. You're making excuses for it, but now you think it's okay though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's crazy Because it becomes a part of you, a part of your customs. Like you said, you didn't even know, you took it on.
Speaker 3:It's just like no, this is okay. Yeah, it's not a big deal.
Speaker 1:That's how you love me, yeah, and then respect it. A man in the house like I, I've seen this tiktok right and it was like a showing different complications or couplet right, and it showed ages like from toddler all the way to like 16. And you know, moms we tell kids what to do, like yo do this or do that, and sometimes we got time like 10, 20 times a dad walks in the room, he ain't gotta yell, he ain't gotta scream, he be like. Then your mom say, put that, he got the most monotone voice. Then your mom and they just do it Like that authority in the house, that honor and respect, it's typical.
Speaker 3:It's typical, except for that little one.
Speaker 1:Oh the gangster, oh, except the gangster, oh, you don't matter with that one. That one right there. Yeah, like they different, they built different. These kids built different, like who you talking to.
Speaker 3:But yeah, it's typical like that.
Speaker 1:Yes yeah, it's crazy.
Speaker 1:Like, and you'll be like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna carry you for nine months, I'm gonna do all this I'm doing all this and he walk in, you're like, okay, but it's that power and authority that I believe as god given, like we even recognize as babies in the house, and and then, once it gets taken away from the household, and then that's when you start seeing the behaviors of disrespecting men, disrespecting just anybody in authority. When it comes to females, like they start dating, they start disrespecting their spouse, they start having kids, disrespecting their sons because of the structure of the household and what was going on. So it's crazy how we like, oh, that's the mom, that's the father, but how important that is, both roles together. Wow, yeah, it's crazy. You see some stuff out here Now. I've been doing this parenting thing for a minute. I'm looking back like yo, you know what I see it now. No, seriously.
Speaker 2:Something my dad always say is whatever, whatever the one that's strongest at allow them to do it, it doesn't matter if, growing up, oh, my dad did this, my mom did this, so this is what we gonna do. Nah, whoever is stronger at that, allow them to do that right, that is that is so key.
Speaker 3:So I know you initially asked me what are the roles? Right? So that role might change every day or every month or whatever, whatever is going on in that household, because I'm lucky enough to have a dual-parent household, so it might change. I might have to go back and let her do something that I would typically do. So those roles, they alternate, they alternate. Mine has alternated and I would typically do right.
Speaker 2:So those roles, they alternate they alternate, minds has alternated and I'm so happy right now she's how I'm happy I don't have to drop off the camp. Let me tell you that's a lot, yeah, like getting and we got a little fur baby now, so it's a lot like gotta walk him, gotta feed him, gotta get her together, do all that still get myself together. It's a lot. So now that he takes her to camp, I got like a little extra time to me right and it just feels like uh like it feels like he took that burden away, like what.
Speaker 1:You didn't really, may not even realize it was a burden, it was just something that we're used to doing and continue doing, but when he took it away you're like whoa, wow, I can see now clearly the rain is going also it affects her different because of his crazy work schedule.
Speaker 2:It's like dang, daddy, get to pick me up, he take me now it's. It's so such more excitement. It's it's a different love, a different peace, a different joy because, like you said, a girl is a, that's, that's daddy's heart and she's, he's her heart right like, regardless what mom did, we know mom got our back yeah, yeah but that that father and daughter relationship is just like so beautiful.
Speaker 2:And her getting up in the morning like, oh, mom you don't got to do that he like let Mom help still too. But it's just like a whole nother aura on her, yep.
Speaker 3:And it's just so beautiful. That goes back to one of the rules right Just being available.
Speaker 1:Oh, you said something right there. Whoa, you said something, wait, wait. I don't typically hear men say Do you typically hear men say being available? Oh he said it's so strong and mighty, go ahead. Talk about that being a, you know being available. You know you gotta just make sure.
Speaker 3:I mean, you know, obviously you want to go to work right, go back to the first part, finances but obviously you want to go do whatever it is that you want to do, like Pam, said just being there. It makes her feel so much. So, yeah, your husband got to go out and do what he got to do, but he's available with notes and she will never forget that.
Speaker 2:Guess what she's going to forget.
Speaker 3:She don't care how many hours you work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she don't. She don't care how many hours you work.
Speaker 3:It's about the time you can spend. You know what, by the time you can spend, you do gotta go get that money, but you gotta make sure You're available and make sure that you're there. So one thing that I've noticed. So my kids kind of need Different things. My oldest needs a lot of Affirmations. She needs constant Reassurance.
Speaker 2:You know all kids need that, but she needs constant reassurance and things like that. You know all kids need that.
Speaker 3:But she needs it more so than my youngest does, right. And so if I'm not available and not there, I can't give it to her.
Speaker 2:And she loves hearing it from her mom but she also loves hearing it from daddy.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:So yeah, just to make sure that, oh, tegan, you got this, you're amazing, you can do all these things and all that stuff and just constant, just reassuring, and every time she'll get home from gymnastics and she'll learn a new skill and things like that, and I could be extremely tired.
Speaker 2:I'm like Tegan. All right, she'll be like daddy. Look daddy.
Speaker 3:And then if I don't give her no affirmations and I'm not available there, I might be available in the physical sense, but not in the actual like, since that she needs it, this is she'll get, she might get frustrated and and walk away or whatever.
Speaker 2:But if I'm available to reassure her and like, oh you can, oh that's amazing, and things like that she wants to keep going, and they and, and you can see it better with her, like even with her education and all that stuff like like so being there.
Speaker 1:Being present is a present. Being present is a present and you know, because I hear stories about back in the day like their dad was in people's dad was in their household but that was just sitting there like they know a story of a dad who just worked and just sit on the couch and might be drinking some gin and juice Like I don't know. Might be drinking some gin and juice Like I don't know.
Speaker 2:Like there was a lot, Okay. So one of my favorite movies is Bronson Taylor right, all right, so all right. Colugio says to his dad like you're a sucker, right? I mean, that's the worst thing you probably could tell your parents.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But he comes from you got gotta look at his lens right. Yeah, you working and providing, but you ain't spending no time with me and then if I'm spending time with you, is riding the bus with you, because his dad was a bus driver right, so you have to get on the bus with him.
Speaker 2:and then it's like I'm trying to talk to you, but you gotta entertain these people on the bus, right? Are you fussing them out because they trying to sneak on the bus for free? So we really not getting that connection Right. But then I got this guy named Sonny. Sonny shows me how to treat a lady. Sonny shows me how to provide for myself, how to provide for the ladies that I want, how to take care of myself in different magnitudes. He may not have been showing me the right way but he was showing me how to do it.
Speaker 2:But yeah, you telling me, you got to work, you got to do this. Well, son, you're working too. So what's the difference? He said there are working men. That's a sucker. He said what do you mean? What do you mean so when I say it's my favorite movie, because it make you sick?
Speaker 2:Like oh you just told me I'm a sucker and I'm doing this. He had to go talk to his wife and say I got to fall back from some things Because now my son's getting involved with a crowd. He don't got no business with yeah, because.
Speaker 2:I'm spending so much time on the bus trying to do this and that and we still living the same. So if we going to live, we gonna live the same. Then I can fall back some right, right, yeah. So taking a moment to observe and say, like you said, they ain't gonna remember them hours you work, they ain't gonna remember this.
Speaker 2:what they gonna remember is that time that you spent right whether, if it was just watching her do her gymnastic practice, just watching her sing a song you you know. Just watching her. Just watch the show, even if you fall asleep on it.
Speaker 1:Right, that is so important because you know, you hear stories and you know when people are going to therapy, when they think about, like daddy issues or even mommy issues, like parenting in general. Like because you're going to duplicate what you see, Like if you see that this is what you're going to do and you know what woke me up, when my kids you know these kids different.
Speaker 3:They're taking the rap and they're praying for me.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to tell y'all they different. You know I've been in this parenting game for 25 years now and them last three they the ones. So, as y'all know, I got the 18-year-old now and the two 16-year-olds that are at home. So but what I learned from my children is this that you have to take that time out and really have relationship. Because I thought that I had to hustle and provide, because that's what I seen, like I got to make stuff happen, like I'm not trying to have y'all homeless like I was homeless, you got to make it happen.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you got to make it happen.
Speaker 1:But my daughter, the one that tested my inner gangster. She would come home and I think I told y'all this before she would come home from school and I'd be like, all right, do your homework, do your chores, this and the other, and she'd be like I need time. It was almost like the exorcist came out, like what you mean Time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she was like I need time and I was like she was like I need some down time. I was like, well, you was on a bus ride for 45 minutes, that was enough down time. Don't get no time. But it's your fault that you don't get time. It was my fault that I didn't give myself time, not her fault. So what she made me realize is that you do have to debrief when you come home and you do allow your children to, and as parents, for so super this cape mode that we don't take any downtime for ourselves. Yeah, you know like when I got home I debriefed in the car for a minute like take some woosahs or whatever. But why don't we think our children need that too?
Speaker 1:yeah our children need downtime too. But that made me realize like, okay, donna, you you could kind of fall back. She wasn't doing it disrespectfully, she would. You know, it's just you know, just just the way I was growing up, just the way I grew up, like ooh, that's what you did. Yeah, but earlier, when she said it when she was younger, I didn't understand it Because I'm like, no, I'm working all the time. I'm doing this, you need to be doing that.
Speaker 1:But if we teach our children to be like we are, which we're not even happy where we are, we're just doing it because instead of taking a moment and say, listen, you know what, I don't want you to have to work this hard, right, I don't want you to have to do what I'm doing. Let let me teach you let's do this together of how we can make the most of our relationship in our time. So when you said that about, I thought about being present, because you know so many times we talk about, yeah, my dad was in the household, but what what that mean. So being present is so important. It's such a young age to establish it at such a young age so that they know how to build better relationships with people like you. Start them at such a young age to build relationships. They're going to go so much further. They're going to not have to be 35 years old in counseling therapy sessions.
Speaker 1:Talk about what it could have, should have did it and that wasn't right. Or even to the point where you hate your parents because you didn't understand what they were going through, what they're doing right, because there's a lot of people who are in therapy now because they blame their parents for so much, but not understanding that your parents did the best decision they could at the time. We're going to get you hold on. Okay, we got a little guest in the studio. You know we talk about kids. You can't be a parent without having no kids, right? You know it'd be the awkward moment that time when you flow it and they're like well, I gotta use the bed. You're like, wait, can't you hold it? And they like do you want to hold?
Speaker 2:it. She went to the bathroom before she came. No, I ain't going right now. I think you should go.
Speaker 1:No, I'm not going right now and you know what I thought mother knows best. They hate when I go to. Mother knows best, but yeah, so the road, I think that is so awesome.
Speaker 3:So what else do you think, being that you've been in the mental health sector and you've seen kids and things like that and what you do now, what do you see like the greatest need, like as a man, as a father, um from their household into a community standpoint so the greatest need that a kid needs, yeah, okay, so, um, um, I think that I think that a kid, like they need it kind of goes on to like what you said as far as being able to like express yourself, knowing how to, knowing how to like move in certain situations, like knowing how to speak, knowing how to speak, knowing how to advocate for yourself, and things like that in a in a professional, in a like sense, outside of using your hands Right, so they, they need, they need the tools.
Speaker 3:I like that. So they need the tools to like be able to grow and be a positive member in society, right. So a lot of the kids, right. So the biggest thing that kids and the place I have, that they don't have social skills. Right, so they don't know how to communicate with others without like fighting. They don't know how to articulate themselves.
Speaker 3:And I know it's harder anyway, being young, but they don't know how to express, like, their emotions Right, everybody's going to know and have different feelings, but they don't know how to express those in a positive, safe manner and things like that. And just, I mean, ultimately it's education, right, to make sure that you have that education so that you can do those things. You can't do any of those things if you don't have education. You don't know how to read, you don't know how to speak and communicate and things like that, so like being able to, and then, um, it goes back to. It goes back to being like, as far as present right so being present.
Speaker 3:That helps you understand your kid right. It helps you understand, like, what's going on. So when it's time for you to talk and they shut down and things like that, you know where it's coming from because you know, because you're a present, and that way they learn how to express ourselves with you. So when they go out in the world, Wow, yeah, yeah you know in the world, right.
Speaker 3:So like a lot of people, like when you said that example was your kid, they get upset in instantly. I could think about like someone, like just yell out like don't do like you know I mean right instantly.
Speaker 2:I could think about like someone like just yelling like who you talking to like you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Like right, right did I just tell you. But she, she did a good job because she expressed herself right maybe maybe you might want to dive deeper in right? Yeah, you want to. Why do you need this extra time?
Speaker 2:and things like that, or or whatever.
Speaker 3:but you need to understand your kid and that way they feel comfortable talking to you, right, and then that way they can go talk to someone else when they're having issues, like they might get upset at little Johnny or whatever. And they don't have to feel like they need to punch little Johnny Right.
Speaker 3:They can talk to little Johnny and kind of express themselves. But I think the biggest thing is to make sure that they have social skills and they got that education. And education is a big thing, Like it doesn't have to be a private school or anything like that. When you come home, the teacher give you whatever homework or whatever. Like tell them whether it's homework or not, you want to have them teach it to you. If they teach it to you, then they know how to do it.
Speaker 2:Right, right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, just to make sure that they have those skills so that way, when they get in the environment they're comfortable with that Wow. Because, you know, in order to get your job, or even work for yourself, you know you're going to need to be able to express yourself. You know, you need to write and read, and count and do all those things. So make sure that they have those tangible skills so they can be successful.
Speaker 1:I like have those tangible skills so they can be successful. I like that because what you just said there was a lie, that was. But the first thing I thought that came to my mind is being able to speak for yourself where no one has to speak for you. You know, teaching like when teaching them at home how to communicate is so important so that when you're out here in the world, like nobody has to speak for you, you can speak for yourself. You and not in a way that you have to always defend yourself, but literally articulate where people understand who you are and what you're about. That goes a long way, because a lot of times like people don't, we don't know people because we don't talk Right.
Speaker 2:Even your own children. Yeah, you think, because at this age they was like this, that they're going to continue to be that same exact way. And oh, honestly, that's not true. And, like you said, if you're not making that environment, if you're not taking that time to learn them what you like, now I know that you don't be watching this show, no more.
Speaker 1:Why not? What's going on, you know?
Speaker 2:I noticed that, and when you do stuff like that, it's like yo they really paying attention to it. I heard you singing this song. You learned that song. Let me learn it, bro. Like you said, teach it back to me, let me see if you should even be singing this, and then I'm not going to tell you. If it's appropriate, cool. If it's not, I'm not going to say you don't got no business listening to that. I'm going to talk about it. We're going to break it down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yo, that teaching is so much and I like how you say like being present makes you know your child. Well, being present, actively present, helps you to understand your child and your child understand you and you can see when there's some awful different patterns. Like for a long time I kept going to the grocery store and buying my one daughter a testimony game story the same thing I didn game story the same thing I didn't know, like three months ago.
Speaker 2:She ain't like that, no more well she ain't tell me.
Speaker 1:Well, when were you going to tell me? So you didn't act, yeah, but she was. No, there was. She was like not really eating it too much, or whatever, and I still kept buying it and I'm like well, I brought this.
Speaker 1:She was like ain't nothing here for me to eat. Well, I brought all the stuff you like. Well, I don't like that no more. But when you tell me you didn't like it but because I didn't ask her, or just me not realizing that that still was there, I just went on formality routine oh, this is what I know she likes. But not understanding and realizing that they change just like we change.
Speaker 2:Right, and, like you said, the household, it may change, like every day, it may change that week. You got to really pay attention, because tomorrow is not going to happen the way today did Listen and that's one thing I teach my kids Like.
Speaker 1:So you know, I have the one boy and the girls in the house and typically you know the dude like you take out the trash and all that, and I'm teaching him and he's like, well, I like slavery, like this doesn't make sense to me, right. But I thought about it like because if, if I'm raising my daughter, she gonna have to take out the trash too, right, so why am I making this? Just his role? And he helped me realize like no, the world's around here about to change a little bit. So today you got trash. Today, next week you got trash, he got dishes this week.
Speaker 1:Like really switching it up so that we don't create these house where you know, these are just these tv roles in this house, or this is what you're expecting to do, not being flexible, because what if he's married, right, and um, no, what if she's married and her husband is down or something, or can't do this or whatever, so the trash never goes out right? Or what if she down, so he never eats? The dishes don't get clean, like you know. Really teaching them honestly, if we're teaching them how to live and how to be self-sufficient, but yet, so that they're ready. So when the other person comes, like they have a sense of self, right, I know what I can't, what I can't do, and I don't have to be intimidated by somebody else's role or stuff like that. So, really, teaching our children how to have a sense of self for who they are. And that's one of the conversations I was having with my daughter, who's about to leave, and I was telling her, like all this stuff you know, teaching foundation and stuff like that, and teaching you finances and all this other stuff, but most importantly, I want you to have a sense of self, of identity, because again the world would pose them with whatever they want them to be.
Speaker 1:Today you could be this. I mean, you can identify as a horse today. Like really, no, no, you, I'm. You laughing, but I never see, like I'm seriously. I went, I see people identify from male to female, right, I thought that was that like I'm, like are you? You just want to be a male today, got you. But when they start identifying as animals, colors, like it's really serious. So, teaching my daughter who you are and teaching my son who you are, so have a sense of self and identity where you don't have to try to recreate something, or like you, you just wasn't created to be a dog, baby girl. So you're just not going to be a dog and I'm not going to let you identify as a dog, okay, just it's not going to happen. So like I'm laughing, but it's so real and you see it all the time.
Speaker 1:So I think really tuning into our children so that when we see these things right, we're able to address it. For example, my girls you know my two, two of my girls, both of their parents passed away, which is my sister and her husband. But when the one that's about to leave the house, when she started dressing like a boy, everybody was looking at her like yo, you let her dress like a boy, a tomboy, whatever. But people didn't realize the reason why she was dressed like a boy is because she missed her dad and she wanted her dad. She knew she was a girl. She didn't identify as a boy. She started having mess, she started wearing his clothes, start doing listen.
Speaker 1:This girl ended up start getting some boxers. I didn't know what was going on, but it was just uh, and I knew where she was because I had the conversation with her to try to figure it out. Not, you know, a lot of times when our kids start doing stuff, we start beating them down right away because that's not what we want them to be. Oh, not on my watch, you're not gonna do this. But not understanding there's a root to the cause. So that phase was only for a little bit. We was just looking back at her pictures. She was like I don't believe you, let me look like this.
Speaker 1:Like what was going on. I'm like that's where you were.
Speaker 3:She let her process through it though, yeah, and teaching them.
Speaker 2:And walked with her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that we don't have to think that it has to be one way.
Speaker 3:And now she to talk to you, right. She'll talk to, you have those conversations and things like that, those conversations that she might be scared to if you shut her down. Right, yeah, so.
Speaker 1:So when you're talking about communication, I just start thinking about all different types of communication. You know they be like yo children got to stay in a kid's place, be seen and not heard. No, I want to see you too. Quiet over there. I don't know what's going on.
Speaker 3:Where you draw the line at, though, with that, yeah.
Speaker 2:Where you draw the line Because sometimes people get sassy.
Speaker 3:I got two girls and I'm like oh, now I want you to express yourself If you're going too, far.
Speaker 1:Yo, that's crazy. It's such a thin line. No, it's so real, like it's a line. It is a line. It's such a thin line. No, it's so real, like it's a lie. It is a lie. It's like it is a lie Because, ooh, shabba, let me tell you, because it's like where you get to express yourself but don't be disrespectful, like you got to teach them and then not everything is meant to be said, not everything, it's so, but it's through communication and really, because I know the one that touched my inner gangsta, I'd be like who are you talking to? Oh, no, mom, I was just saying yeah.
Speaker 1:Roll that back, roll that back a little bit. Or I would straight, now that you know they're a little bit older, like if I hear something is off or how you're addressing me. My son likes his yo, bro, I keep walking like I ain't never heard. No, what bro mean? I don't know what that mean. I'm blind, deaf and retarded. I don't know what bro mean. Like I go mute, wait yo. He like say say he was like bro, I go mute so fast and just act like I don't exist. And then he gets it right Because I ain't going. How many times I tell you I ain't your bro? Yeah, yo.
Speaker 1:And that's what it is it's really and don't play with it, because so many times like we teaching our kids to be assertive, we're teaching our kids to be able to express themselves, and sometimes you're like, don't do that on me though, but but just teaching them. Most importantly, respect and think about your tone and how you say it, and kids gonna be kids. They're gonna try you, oh, they're gonna try you, but you got to be able to stand, stand two toes down like yeah and and don't tolerate it, and you know.
Speaker 1:But here's the other thing. You got to know what was respectful and disrespectful, though, because for me, for so many years, I told my kids they was disrespecting me and they wasn't, because they didn't keep the kitchen clean, like we'd be throwing words around and stuff. I'm trying Putting them in the room. Yeah, I'd be using words, and they was like, well, how is that disrespectful?
Speaker 1:Because I said it's disrespectful, but when you think about it like we got to know really what we mean and what we say and how we demonstrate it too. Because I, for years, was so frustrated Like y'all, some disrespectful kids Y'all done left this kitchen like this after I done cleaned it it was all about me and I realized is that really disrespectful? And why do you think that's disrespectful? And having to, I'll tell you, I'll be flying with words out there.
Speaker 2:So what do you think it was?
Speaker 1:It was me not being able to control the situation. As parents, we want to control. We don't own our kids. We want to control them Honestly. We want them to do what we say, whatever, and my son told me that just sounds like modern-day slavery to me. That's what it is.
Speaker 2:Josh, he probably said it so much. Yeah, because you know Josh already said it.
Speaker 1:so yeah, cause you know Josh already he was like well, when you think about it, cause they get you start thinking. That's why I don't be letting them talk too much, cause I be like you negotiated me. I don't even know what I want to talk about, I don't know, but like really teaching them, like really what the word mean and how, how does that affect you? So me throwing that word around, when I look deep back at it, it was me, because I couldn't control the situation and the only way that I could tell you that you're doing so bad to me is that you're disrespecting me, because I'm big on respect, lying, cheating, so like I'm really big on truth telling. So for me, if I'm telling you you're disrespectful, you know that hurts me.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But using that is wrong. Using that as a parent saying that, because then you start saying everything is disrespectful because you mad, instead of communicating and saying listen, I don't like how I clean up all the time and y'all come in here and mess up. I don't like that, that hurts me, instead of saying y'all some disrespectful kids, Y'all can't even clean it. You know, it's really about communicating properly, because you don't want them to go out in the world and think that they're disrespecting everybody when they're not, somebody don't listen to them.
Speaker 1:Yo bro you just disrespected me because you ain't doing it. Yeah, like because that stuff really grows on them. How you raise your children is how they become and what they would demonstrate and duplicate in this world. So we're teaching them falsely about certain things. They're going to have that ideology and when they get out in the world they're going to be like I have a wood, array of wood, so what's the garden?
Speaker 2:you're producing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like it's crazy, like so many times, you know, when we think about the role of the parent, like it's not just um provider, food, you know, shelter back in the day, food, clothes, shelter, you you know, but it's so much more, you know. I think when people look at maslow hierarchy they only look at those three things but don't like, it's a whole pyramid love and belonging, acceptance, self-reliance. There's so many things in that pyramid that we don't tap in as parents, but it's important for growth and development.
Speaker 2:It is, and some people think that things are wrong with their children, and the whole time it's communicating.
Speaker 1:They needed that space.
Speaker 2:They needed that environment to feel comfortable to speak up, because I'm disrespecting you, because I ain't washed the dishes or cleaned up. Really, I just ignored you because why did I have to clean it up? You're the one who gave it to me, right? So if you go through the aliens. You're the one who gave it to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think, as parents seek first to understand versus be understood is so important because everybody wants to be understood, right, but we got to listen, to listen, to hear versus just to respond.
Speaker 1:Because we get it wrong every time. We just listen to respond, we go off the handle and stuff. So, as we're wrapping up, so, moody, so as a father, right, how do you, what would you say to men, men, other men who really need to be like active, like understand the importance of their role in the family and their children lives and how it affects the community as well, so starting the house like that role?
Speaker 1:as a man first of all role. Your role as a man then goes into marriage, fatherhood and then out in the community and in the world Like how is that so important?
Speaker 3:So I mean so it's important, right? So you know everything says like everything starts from the household, right, so, like so. If you want these certain things, right, I mean we could talk about talk about the ideal cliche jobs or whatever a lawyer, a doctor and things like that. If you want those things for your kid and you want them to go out and be successful in the community and represent your name, well, right, because you're a moody, I mean all the moodies always say you're a moody.
Speaker 3:You're a moody. You know what I mean. I even talk to myself. I'm like, come on, man, you got this. You're a moody. But if you want them to represent what that means to be like, carry your name and represent you like you gotta make sure you are. You're uh, pouring in those qualities, what you expected, your, your, your values and all that and make sure that you're aligning those with with with what your expectation. So if you want your child to be, hypothetically just say you want them to be a professional athlete, right, they can't be a professional athlete if you ain't practicing with them.
Speaker 3:If you like you know what I mean. If you just send them to practice and they come home and y'all only go practice twice a week and y'all don't do nothing else. You ain't going to be a professional athlete, you might not even be a high school athlete.
Speaker 1:At this point, middle school is looking a little far off for you, or same thing with education.
Speaker 3:Like, yeah, if you send your kid to school and that's all they do, or whatever, like some kids will be, but for the majority for not those overachievers and things like that they're going to be average.
Speaker 2:So whatever your expectation is, you've got to make sure that your expectation meets practice.
Speaker 3:So your expectation, whatever your expectation is, you've got to make sure that you're following through with those on your end, yeah, and making sure that those things are aligned with whatever you want, or are aligned with whatever you want, and also it's so important to make sure that you are raising strong individuals who are able to walk away from those negative situations right. So that's where you see, especially your, your early, early offenders and things like that.
Speaker 3:You see a lot of those are really good kids like right are really good kids when they got up with johnny who ain't been doing nothing for 20 years and he got in and johnny just sent the the super hype and he just showed him, like yo, I got the new jordan's and I did this, like you know, and so now your child is, um, if they're weak-minded, they're subject to doing that right, you know, I mean. And so you got to make sure that they're they're able to tell people no, or?
Speaker 3:get themselves out of this situation, so that way they're not subjected to those things that you don't want them to be subjected to right that don't appear pressure and bullying and stuff, because I mean, ultimately, your kid is gonna be away from you a lot. You ain't with them a lot.
Speaker 3:I mean, early on, you with them a lot, but after that they start checking on me, you know, and now you're about to be going for 13 weeks with no conversations yeah now, what did you pour into your kids and make sure that they're going to be right be on it, yeah, yeah and be able to kind of embrace all those things right, so that your daughter's going to the marines, right yeah so what did I pour into my kid?
Speaker 3:to make sure that they? A are in the right crowd, be able to tell people to stop doing something if they don't want to do. See engaging all, taking all the information so that way that she is most equipped to be successful in whatever it is that she's doing right so, like all those things, all those things matter so and it all starts at home home early on.
Speaker 3:It starts at when they, when they're an infant, like you know, you embrace them and all that stuff you provide them and you meet those needs that they need and things like that, and then everything counts.
Speaker 1:I like that. Everything counts, there's nothing wasted. I'm big on that Everything counts, there's nothing wasted. Oh, that's awesome, pam, you got anything?
Speaker 2:before we close out Nah, just make sure you show up the best way you can show up today, tomorrow and you know, and until you know, your time is done, because you don't, you don't know when it's going to be your last time that you get to spend with somebody and all honesty, especially the way the world is going like.
Speaker 2:So just be the best. You show up, the best way you can. You feel me, whether you you gotta do a parent household or or you don't. Figure out something. You can do better tomorrow that you didn't do yesterday, right?
Speaker 3:and I just tell you about the clothes right yeah, I do want to say something, uh, so also like as a father or a parent in general, self-care is super important, oh yeah. You have to make sure Any training that I went to, they always use the statement when you get on a plane, in case of an emergency, put your oxygen mask on prior to helping someone else.
Speaker 3:A lot of times, as parents, we don't do it. I also heard you say throughout the like uh, counseling and things like that. You have to make sure that you're okay in order to make sure your family is okay. Right, and I mean obviously you can't ignore them completely, but you gotta make sure that you're okay, yeah okay, I, I, you know I like that because a lot of people talk about self-care.
Speaker 1:So, and it's interesting that a lot of men that I have on here and we talk about the rose of fathers, like most men, are talking about self-care now and they have not like you know, parent mom.
Speaker 1:We barely talk about self-care and we think self-care is getting our nails done or whatever. That ain't even self-care. But there is things deeper just sometimes just sitting in a quiet space for your own self-care but I'm glad you brought that point up definitely take care of yourself again, because you're gonna burn out if you don't take care of yourself. You know, and I always say this, like my sister passed away at 36 and her husband passed away when he was 36 there, the girls that I have they were four and six when their dad died and six and eight with their mom died. That wasn't a lot of time with their parents. They've been with me more than they've been with their biological parents, right.
Speaker 1:So every moment counts, everything counts making sure that you're taking care of your health so that you can be around for your children you know self-care whatever it is for you and making sure that you're allowing your kids to get self-care too, because you can't teach them self-care if you're not doing it yourself. And self-care is important for everybody. Even the dogs need self-care, they need to be out. You know what I mean. So I think it's so important and I like that you said it.
Speaker 1:So, again, we all things that we're talking about fathers, the role of a father, importance of the father and I think that we did an amazing job this month talking about it and for you just to round us all because you pretty much brought it all together the importance of a father so certainly appreciate you being on the show, you know, and talking, talking to us about all different aspects of that, you know, and just the role as a father in the house and in the community, because I believe, as um the gentleman was on last week, that we can build better communities if we build better homes, so we need to build back our homes, okay so if you got anything, tonight like from anything.
Speaker 1:Just be better, do better so we can have better. Yes, all right. Thank you guys for joining us with the purpose I am your host, donna janelle where we strive to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. We know it's hard, challenging, but it's beautiful too. It's challenging, but it's beautiful too. I'm just gonna keep saying that y'all. So thank you guys for joining us.
