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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Celebrating Fatherhood Inspiring Positive Change in Parenting
What if you could transform your parenting style from a strict disciplinarian to a compassionate mentor? Join me, Donna Janel, and my guest, Ceez, a dedicated single father, as we unravel our journeys through parenthood, particularly focusing on the African-American community. With Father’s Day on the horizon, I share my own experiences of raising children and nieces without their fathers, and how the absence of a father figure posed unique challenges. Ceez, reveals his evolution from a tough, rule-enforcing dad to a nurturing, emotionally supportive parent, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and appreciating the efforts of single fathers.
Reflecting on the lessons imparted by our fathers, we discuss how old-school values and discipline have shaped us into who we are today. These values not only instilled a sense of responsibility but also inspired a commitment to mentoring youth in our communities. Personal anecdotes shed light on the powerful bond with our fathers, who showed love through actions rather than words, and how these early experiences have driven us to become positive role models in a time of rising community violence.
We also address the crucial role of both parents in a child's holistic development. Whether co-parenting through incarceration or combating the challenges posed by single parenting, the need for balanced and effective communication is paramount. Discover how traditional values can be integrated with modern, compassionate approaches to foster a well-rounded upbringing for our children. Join us as we celebrate fatherhood and continue our mission to restore the responsibility, nobility, and beauty in parenting.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
so We'll be you next time. You, hey, everybody, welcome back to Parents with a Purpose. I am the one and only Donna Janelle, where you know we strive to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting, as you know, as I always say, parents are the bowls and our children are arrows, and they will land wherever we send them right, wherever we aim them. It may not be today, newsflash, it may not be tomorrow, it may not be in the next. Send them right Wherever we aim them May not be today, newsflash, it may not be tomorrow, it may not be in the next five years, right, but eventually they will land where we aim them, as long as we close them, as long as we're not sending them out in the world naked, as long as we're giving them tools and techniques to make sure that they, and strategies of how to survive this world.
Speaker 1:Because parents are the first leaders, the guiders, every. Parents are everything. Because what goes on in the household? It prepares your children to enter the real world right. So that's what we do at parents with a purpose. As you know, this month is father's day. Father's day is coming up on the 23rd, I believe, and the whole month of June, though is dedicated to fathers it's 16th year.
Speaker 2:The 23rd is my twins birthday. Yo yo crap. Father's Day is this.
Speaker 1:Sunday. Yes, yo crap. Father's Day is this Sunday y'all. Wow, oh man. Oh man, the presents is coming in A little bit later. I don't know how I missed that. I know how I missed that Because a lot of stuff Going on in my life. Father's Day is this Sunday, but the month of June, father, the father role, so this week I have a guest y'all and guess what His C's is in the house.
Speaker 2:What's going on everybody?
Speaker 1:And we're talking about pretty much all things father, right, all things dad. So we're going to dig and dive into the importance of it, the responsibility, the challenges of fatherhood, because we know that that faces a lot of challenges, particularly in the african-american community. I want to kind of dig into that um and see what's going on and the thoughts in that um, why fathers do certain things, or the struggles and things that they're dealing with. So that's what we're going to talk about tonight, where it's an open conversation about fathers, right? Y'all know that this topic is dear to my heart, as I explained last week about the sensitivity of having a father and a father not being around and now raising children with their dads not around.
Speaker 1:You know I'm divorced, so that my kids you know they, my son sees his dad, but then I also have my nieces right, who father had passed away, and my sister passed away. So I'm raising kids right, a single mom out here trying to really be the best person for them but not be a father to them, right? So how do I help them navigate in the world without having an active father in their life? We're gonna talk about this tonight. I got a couple questions for seeds, because you know he's the dad, he's the man out here and uh, and I don't want to take that man role. I don't care how many times you slice it, I'm a mom, I'm not a father. Again, father's day is the 16th coming up, so please don't tell me happy father's day y'all.
Speaker 1:Please don't tell me Happy Father's Day y'all.
Speaker 2:Please don't do it All right. I'm glad you're not one of them, thank you. Thank you for having me. You know I see a lot of women who are single mothers. You know, take on that Happy. Wish me a Happy Father's Day. And you know I have nothing against single mothers. You know, at one point in time I was a single father before I met my fiance, and so I understand the struggle of being a single parent and I could not replace their mother, no matter how hard I tried. Right One thing it did for me as a father, though it made me a different type of father, because before that I was a real stern, disciplined old school. So being a single father it made me have to be more compassionate, have more of a softer side to raising my youngest son at the time, who is now 11. And I've been with my fiance for about eight years now, so she came in when he was three, but those first three years it was.
Speaker 2:It was really tough yeah, it ain't no joke, right, absolutely shout out to all the single parents doing it, holding it down, man, you know, yeah I had a couple single fathers on here, uh, last year, um, I think I had three single fathers.
Speaker 1:They was out here in the community raising their kids, doing the best they can, and they were on here explaining stuff, and I think we don't give single fathers enough props, like we don't get fathers in general enough parts, honestly, that part being a single mom, like I know, you know the ins and outs, what it takes, but at the same time, like there are fathers who are who the father role was so important absolutely, especially if you got sons.
Speaker 1:You know I'm a father of six sons six, six sons I uh Like there are fathers who are who the father role was so important, absolutely, especially if you got sons.
Speaker 2:You know I'm a father of six sons, six, six sons George, george and George Nah, my oldest, the oldest son I take care of, is my actually my stepson I met. I took care of him since he was three months. When I first got my oldest son's mom, he was three months and she ended up getting pregnant pregnant and he was the first person to call me dad.
Speaker 2:Wow. So you know we still had his body, even though he's in north carolina. You know we, we stay in touch daily. You know he talks to me, sends me updates and, uh, I'm trying to get him up here for the summer. But, um, and then I have four biological and then my fiance has a 13 year old son, you know, and wow, you got any girls in the mix nope, all boys wow six sons, all boys, you know, and uh, it's kind of kind of what led me into doing the work that I do.
Speaker 2:For those that don't know, I'm an intervention specialist with the making a change group and I also the case manager for our school based program. So you know, uh, besides my brother losing my brother to gun violence, you know, I just know the impact of having my father growing up. You know my father took me when I was 13, didn't take me from my mom, but you know he moved over to the east side closer to my mom, and soon as he did that my mom went to delaware. You know, the whole, my dad whole purpose was to move close. So you know, we could have that bond and I could have two homes to go back and forth to and some unforeseen circumstances, my mom had to reroute and go to Delaware. So, but it ended up being a blessing because I ended up going to school down there.
Speaker 2:Uh, so, but I just know the impact of having my father, even though I made some bad decisions and, you know, still fell victim to the streets, but I didn't go as deep in as most people, probably because I knew I had that father at home. You know, when I did certain stuff I always knew. You know, if I get caught doing this, my dad's going to kick my A double crooked letter Right.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying so, having that not necessarily fear, but that respect for my father Right, yeah, it kept me from doing certain things, like when it came to hurting people I was always about a dollar, so I was a hustler, but I was never a violent individual, like I never felt the need to hurt one of my brothers, which is kind of why when I transitioned to do this work, it was kind of not easy for me, but it was like it's easy for me to show another guy love.
Speaker 2:You know, because I've had that from my father and what I kind of see is that you know guys who, raised up in this environment, who don't have a father, they don't necessarily know how to show another man love without thinking it's gay or feeling uncomfortable with their sexuality. You know, it's nothing for me to tell my brother I love him and mean him and be comfortable because I don't love you in a form as though where I want to touch you physically. I love you to this point where I would never harm you if I'm there for you if you need something Right. So that's one of the things I think is most important about what I do and you know where I come from and why I do what I do.
Speaker 1:You think that portion of loving your brother comes from the love that your father had given you. Absolutely Like he wasn't just talking the talk, he walked the walk.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know it's crazy, because I don't really remember having my dad telling me he loved me too much growing up. Okay, but I felt it. Oh, talk about that. It's like my dad was real old school. Shout out to my dad, he's still around, he's 77 this August, you know. So God bless him. And just you know, like I said, he made sure I had clothes on my bag. He made sure. I never wanted for anything you know. And when I did wrong, he took those things from me.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:My biggest thing. You know I always got in trouble in school in around December, which is my birthday time. You know I always got in trouble in school in around December, which is my birthday time, you know, which was hard because my birthday is a week before Christmas. So a lot of it took me until I was in like the eighth grade to realize like yo, dude, you got to stop messing up, yeah, or like I messed up every December. You know, parties was taken away, gifts will be returned Well, that's what he would tell me, but he would put them in a tuck. You know, until I straightened up, you know so, or just so Christmas time, I'm not going to have a bad Christmas, but this is what I need from you. If I give you these things, they will be taken again.
Speaker 2:So, just having that, excuse me that, that, that ear, that voice of somebody who looked like me. You know, I'm saying I just look like me because he's my father, but look like me as a black man in the community. And my dad was always successful. When I say successful, I don't mean like rich, you know. He went to the Navy, he traveled the world, he worked since he was 11. He lost his father at a young age, so my dad grew up without a father. Oh wow, which is kind of probably why he made. I got five brothers, I got five sisters, so I'm the youngest of ten.
Speaker 2:Okay, you know, what I'm saying and it's split up some step. But our family is our family, blood or not, you know what I'm saying. That's kind of why it's so easy for me to take on the role of being a father to other people's children.
Speaker 1:You know what.
Speaker 2:I'm saying yeah, as far as ladies that I've been involved with, because I've watched my dad do it. Before my brother Travis passed, I watched him do it and I'm saying so it's just like. It's just something that's been instilled for me since a young age like no matter, family is loyalty. Well it makes you related.
Speaker 1:I'm saying.
Speaker 2:That's something I live by. So that loyalty that we had, that bond we had, like if, like, you're gonna listen to me and take on the knowledge that I'm going to give to you, then I'm going to continue to pour into you, right, and I do the same thing with my mentees. Like you know, I don't consider them my kids, but we have a uncle, big brother relationship where some of them, where some of them come and you know, they just come and talk to me and tell me things that they probably wouldn't tell their mom.
Speaker 1:Right, what made you? You know, I hear so much about pretty much what was instilled to you like structure and discipline, and that's why you know when I tell people that parents are the bows and our children are arrows and they will land where we aid them eventually, this is a prime example of that. Your dad was a bow and he was pulling. You know when you talk about things that he pulled stuff away because you know as a bow and he was pulling. You know when you talk about things that he pulled stuff away because you know as a bow and arrow, you got to pull that back absolutely there's certain things that he pulled back from you so that you could learn and grow and understand the value of things, right.
Speaker 1:So what made you, um be able to like what? What's your thought pattern about coming into the mentoring group or mentoring kids on the street? Like what did you see? That was a lot that you figure out. You need to step in, like something, something's off here or something.
Speaker 2:Just just the violence, you know. And when I say violence, you know just all the shooting and the nonsense that has been brewing in our community within the last four or five years. You know, and what really hit it for me was when I started seeing athletes die at a young age.
Speaker 2:You know kids that don't even have a chance to live, like my little cousin stone, not keys. You know a few other. I mean I don't really want to get the name of names, but you know, just to see those young brothers continue or to see this pattern continue amongst our young people, you know, and I felt like I had a, so why not use it for something positive? You know I reached out to actually Uncle P, you know, when I first got into Mindset because my original thing was to start like a big brother program.
Speaker 1:Right, okay.
Speaker 2:And some things had happened. I got in some trouble with the law because, you know, I was still hustling at the time. So they raided my crib and I guess that was their way of trying to show the community and deter me from, you know, keep fighting this fight when all they really did was give me a clean slate, right? So give me a chance to actually, you know, come home and do what I'm doing and actually walk it now instead of just talking, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah doing and actually walk it now instead of just talking. Right, yeah, and uh, you know, brothers like pierre, uh, cory, uh miss carol kazim, and just people like that, you know they were all in my corner and you know they, they, they was like yo, you important bro, you got to continue this fight, you know, because I was the terror. You know, uncle p used to come see me out the county and we had conversations all the time and he was like what are you doing with your time to build yourself?
Speaker 2:And my main thing was just not being taken away from my kids again. You know, because, yes, I had a woman at home who was a mother figure, but at the end of the day we wasn't married, so it wasn't really her obligation. Granted, she's a great woman. She did everything that a wife would do, which is why we're in the process of getting married everything, by that you know, that a wife would do, which is why we're in the process of getting married. But, you know, just, a fear of what if she was like this is too much. You feel me and just walk away because I'm all my kids have. Their mothers aren't dead. No, but one son mother is in north carolina, and others I don't know where she is.
Speaker 2:Don't really want to get into that, but you know, it's just like I had to be that there I'm, that mother and that father in my head. Right, I'm saying until, like I said, she, until, like I said, we had the conversation and she was like I'm with you, I'm here with you, I know you a package, you feel me so? That that that right there just drove me and gave me the backbone and support I need to come out here and help other people's children, because I had to make sure mine was good first what?
Speaker 1:what do you? What, in your own words, in your own thought, like what? What's the, the portions of a father? What is the importance of fathers being in their children's and in the family setting?
Speaker 2:um, I'm a firm believer that, uh, only men can raise men. You know, I've seen single mothers raise great men, you know. So it can be done, but it's more valuable and it's more sustainable when a guy is teaching a guy to be a man.
Speaker 2:You know, what I'm saying. I watch my father get up and go to work every day and it's still the same thing in me and I'm trying to instill the same in my boys. So it's just having that comfortability with somebody that looks like you, who knowing where you come from. You know what I'm saying. A lot of these guys don't know where they come from because they don't know who their father is Right, so they don't know. They know their mom's side of the family, they know where their mom comes from and you know the historical DNA buildup, as opposed to the father's side, where you know. You may not necessarily know your father, you may know some of the family, but you don't know where your father comes from and what type of man you know you come from because you don't see that every day.
Speaker 2:You know, and why I say that's big? Because even though I was ripping and running, I always knew my father had a good heart. I watched my father help other kids. You know what I'm saying, even though I was still a kid myself, you know, and as I got became into my manhood, that's why I wanted to do what I wanted to do, because I've seen my dad help I. It was this one guy. His name was, uh, derrick. He was in the big brother program. He was my dad's little brother, you know, and we used to, you know, interact all the time. You know, my dad kind of felt like it was a competition at one point between me and him and I'm like nah.
Speaker 2:I love Derek. He's teaching me things that I didn't know because I wasn't necessarily great at basketball. He was nice at basketball and further down the line I ran into Derek one day. Man, he asked me he said how your dad doing. I said he's doing good, he said man tell your dad, I appreciate him.
Speaker 1:And this is 10, 15 years.
Speaker 2:he hasn't seen my dad, but he still thinks and hears some of the conversations that my dad had with him and I want that impact, you know, in somebody's life besides my own children.
Speaker 1:Right Now I'm going to pick it back up a little bit. You said that women can't raise men. I don't think that is that they can't raise them. We're not fathers, we're not substitute for a father period. We do the best that we can. But what do you think the significance like? There's a difference, like as we're raising children, right, you know, there's the mother role, there's the father role. There's certain things that a mother can teach a child, male and female, and there's certain things that a father will teach a child, male and female. So what do you think the difference is? I can tell you a bunch of. But what do you think as a role of a father, if you think about it, because you yourself was a single father, what do you think the significance role of a father is? What differs them from a mother?
Speaker 1:I'll tell you one thing right now, let me tell you what my son did.
Speaker 1:He was younger now. I was married and my, my ex-husband, left. I think my son was like three. I was married for like those 12 years prior to that and as my son started getting older, you know, he was going to his dad every other weekend and he was medically complex, so he had like a lot of medical issues, so he always only wanted to be around me. He would go to his dad every other weekend, but this particular time, right, I'm a mom, I'm pediatric nurse, so I know a lot of stuff, but some stuff I'm just not willing to go into with my son. So I think he was about eight or nine and he came. He was like mom, you know, his area was always hard, or when he wakes up, right, he you know, and I'm trying to explain to him the best way, but I can't explain to him because I don't have that feeling like I can't really. I can tell you what the textbook said.
Speaker 2:I can tell you right right what I know, but it's different than what you experience.
Speaker 1:It you know like I'm like son and he my son, tells me everything. So some stuff I got a youtube, some stuff, I got looking a book for some stuff, just because I mean he, he goes to, he was going to his dad, but his dad was a very quiet guy and he really wasn't. You know how you can have a father that's there but not there.
Speaker 2:Right, absolutely.
Speaker 1:So that's when I started realizing wait, flag on the plate. This ain't for me Like I can't tell my son how his body is supposed to feel when I'm not a man at all.
Speaker 1:so that's when the reality check to me is like all right, being a single mom is not a flex it is not one of those things, it's not a flex, but I started to try to get different men in his life, to try to mentor him, because I I just wasn't ready for those conversations with my daughters. You know, moms we talk to girls about their periods and stuff like that, right, right, and that's a conversation.
Speaker 2:I'm glad I ain't got to go through.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. Yeah, but like when you tell your son like you're supposed to feel this way, he's like yo, it hurt every morning. I'm like I don't have to tell you.
Speaker 2:And that's definitely one that's definitely probably the biggest differential is going through puberty and teaching them how to take care of themselves, the hygiene, properly washing those manly areas.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I haven't got there yet, but my son just got his first girlfriend, so I'm going to have to have that conversation about how to treat a lady, how to properly, and I try to show him every day you know, about just how I treat my fiance, but just and I'm not even honestly ready for that conversation because you know my son, he's 13 and I still see little Kavari.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying and it's just, it's happening so fast, man, so fast, and I try to learn with each, each, each child, each interaction. I try to. You know, what did I do wrong? How could I do this better? But um, it's, it's really no difference, other than just, you know, probably, those conversations and being more comfortable with having to explain those growing pains and growing pains of life, you know, and just being there to give your son or daughter, you know, relationship advice from a male perspective, because, a father to young ladies, you want your daughter and you can tell me this is true or not. Most women look for a man that was either like their father or their father figure.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying so as a man men who have daughters, man, you know, know you gotta watch how you treat your lady or the mother of your child, because that that your daughter will grow up looking for that type of person that you lay the foundation for. So if you gonna be a nut ass excuse my language, I'm sorry. I don't know if you're gonna be a nut. You know I'm saying that your daughter is going to end up with a nut. You feel me that karma is going to come back, you know.
Speaker 2:So just yeah gotta be careful what we do in front of our kids. Even, even, even. Uh, when you got boys, you know if, if you beat on their mom, you know I mean then nine times out of ten, your son's gonna grow up and be a woman beater yo, it's crazy how that, how the mind, works, right.
Speaker 1:because when? So a lot of times, if you don't have this either mother or father in your life, things, two things happen. Either one, you're going to be the best mother and father in the world, or you're going to be the worst mother and father in the world. Like it's crazy how you know, either you emulate what you see or you become better, right. And that's the same thing about, like, even when you're dating, like if, if a father treated their mother a particular way, either the boy is going to treat a woman that way or they're going to treat them the totally opposite, and then they get walked on. So it's like it's crazy because domestic violence works in both ways, right.
Speaker 1:Yes it does. So if you see domestic violence, you're more than likely to also do that, or you're not going to do it and then you become a victim of it because you don't have that balance Absolutely. So that's with male and female. So girls, like you know, I didn't grow up with my dad and I was a daddy's girl, you know, until he left and I started realizing, like the pattern of men that I was choosing and I was like, is it? I had daddy issues straight up. I had daddy issues straight up. It's because the daddy issues, when I look back on it, I was looking for somebody who wasn't exactly like my dad but had some of his traits Right. So sometimes you go like way on the other side of the spectrum just to try to either get away from the hurt and pain or try to, or you're so comfortable with the hurt and pain that you choose the same thing Right. So that's the same thing with men and women. I think that one of the things that I see definitely as a single mom is that with my son we're even our daughters, we're so much I think we're softer for our you know our children because you know we birthed them in our heart is just, but as a man, like, the structure is different, the discipline is different and the respect is different. Like they honor I.
Speaker 1:I watched it with my own eyes. My son worships me, he loves me, but at the same time a male says something, he moves. I watched a TikTok the other day and it was like five different. It was a complication and it was five different kids like from like six months to probably three years old, and the mom would tell them something to do and they wouldn't move. The mom had to tell him like five or ten times, right, but as soon as the dad walks in the room, he didn't have to yell, he didn't have to scream or anything, he just was like. Then your mom tell you, go to bed. And then, boom, they go to bed.
Speaker 2:Just that presence of a man alone changes the trajectory of our children's lives absolutely, I completely agree, and that's that's what I grew up like when I first first started as a father. That was, that was that was all I thought my role was supposed to be, was a disciplinary. You know what? I'm saying I'm like, all right, mom got the, the, the other stuff, but when they out of line, that's when dad got say something. You know, when I was originally a quiet dad, so I became a single dad you know and I went down.
Speaker 2:Now that don't work because that void that they was looking for I had to try to fill that and my personality at the time wasn't cut for that. You know what I'm saying I wasn't cut to be a. You know, I would tell my kids all the time stuff like oh, stop acting soft, or you know, I'm not babying you, and stuff like that, and you know. And in all actuality, who else was they going to get it from?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So I had to tap into my own emotions and tap into my own self-awareness to realize I'm doing more damage than good to my own children by trying to just stick into this disciplinary role. Be this tough guy. In all actuality, I ain't no super tough guy. Even in the streets I role. Be this tough guy, you know, in all actuality, like I ain't. No, I ain't no super tough guy. Even in the streets I wasn't no super tough guy. You know what I'm saying. I moved different, but I've always had a heart. I've always had compassion for people.
Speaker 1:And I think you know from back in the day, like the role of a father has always been the provider, security and protector, right. So these are like strong roles and I think that they had just passed down generation on generation and we think that that's how it's supposed to be. Like men, the mother role was to be the emotional person, they and all that, the compassion stuff. But our actuality sticks to show that men who show men love, uh, men begin to love more. Like the emotional piece, like I think sometimes you know, I put food in your mouth, closing your back and you got a house to live in, like that's, don't go on those days. That's like that back in the day stuff or whatever. Like what about the emotional piece? What about the mental piece of it?
Speaker 2:see, I was raised, like I said, my dad's 70, 70, about to be 77, you know. So when I was born he was already in his mid-30s to be, 30, we 31 years apart. So I'm 37. I'll be 37 this year. No, we 30 years apart. Because I'll be 37 this year. He'll be 77. Damn, we 40 years apart. So imagine, when I was born, he was already 40 right so by the time I'm 16, he's 56.
Speaker 2:You know, he's like people used to always be, like yo, your grandpa, your grandpa, like nah nigga that's my dad and my dad don't play.
Speaker 2:So you know I had I ended up. You know I was a sneaky child. Most kids are sneaky. I'm not gonna say all children are sneaky, but you know I I wanted to. You know I wanted to be hanging with my friends. You know I wanted to do what they was doing, even though I knew it was wrong. I'm like, well, if I don't get caught I ain't gonna get in trouble, you know. And just having that, that presence man, you know it, it, it instilled a lot in me that I try to instill in my kids. I still try to.
Speaker 2:You know, take some of the his, his upbringing that he put in me, and then I try to flip it. I think about all right, why did I? Why did I stray away from the role that he had? Paid for me? What was it that attracted me? Or what was that the lack of? Because I don't think I lacked for anything. I said he got me everything and I really think that I really lacked. Was that physical love? You know what I'm saying Because I had brothers, but the gap between my brothers was so old, was so big, they were so much older than me.
Speaker 1:Right, it was like I was the only child.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I was looking for that brotherhood as opposed to you. Know, I got a great father, but I need somebody to hang with. I need somebody to check in with somebody to chill with you know, makes sense, and that's where I started falling into the wrong crowds, you know, and it's just as a father, you know, we want to be hard on our kids, we want to be hard on our kids, we want to be tough, but you got to find that balance and that's something I'm still working on right now.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to find that balance to where, as though, I can be my kids buddy, because I don't want to be friends with you yeah we could. I want you to have a relationship with me though, where you can come and talk to me you know, what I'm saying and that's something that I'm working on right now with my older kids.
Speaker 2:So by the time my twins get five and six, I know how to approach that at an earlier age, as opposed to waiting until they almost you know mentally well. They're not mentally developed, but you know what I'm saying. They're older.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:At 13, 14, they start finding out who they are, trying to figure out what they, what they, what clicks they with. And I tell my son all the time you know a lot of those kids that you're conversating with. They not your friend, absolutely. You know, I work at my son's school, so it's oh man, yeah. And you know, when I first started, you know kids used to welcome your son doing this, your son doing that, and I had to come to the realization they just want to see me embarrass him because of the way I react?
Speaker 2:I didn't. I wasn't reacting like a faculty or staff member. I'm reacting like a father, and I'm not here in that capacity. I'm here as a mentor to the entire school, so I would have to treat him the same way I treated my other students until we got home and I had to learn to stop chastising my son in front of his peers because they did it, for they got an enjoyment out of it. You know. It was to the point where they wanted to see him embarrassed, or right. Oh yeah, your dad, choose you out the whole way but at the same time I turn around I choose you out the same way, young boy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I may not, but the difference is, and I would never do it in the school building. This is my son. He go home with me. I will whoop his A double crooked letter. I say but you, you can get away with more, because there's nothing I can physically do other than verbally correcting you. There's nothing that I can do. And a lot of these young boys they're not scared of that.
Speaker 1:They don't care.
Speaker 2:They talk to you, like you, one of their peers, like I done been called a dick. Excuse my language, I'm going to tell y'all what it is. I've been called a dickhead. They done told me to suck their dick. And these is middle school kids, whoa. And I'm looking at y'all like yo do y'all talk like this in front of y'all, mom, like where your parents at, oh, my mom did this, but the thing I never heard was my dad, my dad, those kids that did have a dad you could tell, because when you say I'm calling home, the fear of God light up in their face.
Speaker 2:Now some mothers. It was like that too, but it goes back to that. You know what type of mother are you. Are you a mother?
Speaker 2:that's friends with your child. You know, are you one of them? Mothers that really, really discipline it's kind of hard to like. You got to start now. Y'all like any single parent, co-co-parents, whatever get on the same page when it comes to disciplining these kids, because right now in our community, the biggest issue we have is these kids that's not being supervised at night, which is why they just installed this curfew right you know, as somebody who works with the youth in the community I know this is a little off topic- no, it's all relative though.
Speaker 2:You know, we got to get control of our youth flat out. Like you know, we got to bring the village aspect back to where it's at, because if I tell people all the time you see my son.
Speaker 2:First of all, my son's going to go outside. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my kids, but my son's getting to that age he's a teenager now. It's going to be like I'm going to have to let him go Absolutely. I got to let him go and let him walk with God. I'm a religious person so I got to trust that God's going to protect him.
Speaker 1:And it's a scary thing. It's fear. Like you know, I talk about this all the time. It's like parenting out of fear and it's a real thing. Like you know, you're scared that your kids won't come back in a body bag, like you don't. You know, even though you pour so much into your children. But it's the world around where they live and and you don't know what's going on. And that's why you got to trust god with everything, because you just don't know.
Speaker 1:And I think sometimes, as parents, because we parent a fear, we restrict our kids. They live a restrictive lifestyle because we are afraid to let them go outside and instead of teaching them how to go outside, right, what to do now, it may not, you know, rare all the results that we wanted to, or whatever, because you know, rear all the results that we wanted to, or whatever, because kids, teenagers, minds, change everything. But at least that they have the foundation. Like you know, we talked about a lot you just talked about earlier. Like kids are out because they're not being supervised. A lot of times what we see now with this generation is parents are trying to really be their friend. Like I'm not your friend, I had a conversation. I'm not your friend, because that line of respect will change. Like you're going to talk to your friend a particular way, you're going to respond to your friend a particular way, but I am your guardian, I'm your parent, I am to lead, teach and guide you. So that that part right there. So a lot of times, parents will try to be their kid's friend, or parents are out here living what they call their best life and forget about their children. So like the kids are being home, not their children. So like the kids are being home, not being supervised on the street, because the parent can be in a club, the parent can be at their parents' friend's house or the other flip side of that.
Speaker 1:If you're a single parent, you may be working two to three jobs, right? So it's like how do we help parents? My biggest thing is like helping parents because parents need a village too, right, absolutely. So every time something happened with our youth, the first thing that you see was where are the parents? And then the second conversation is where was the dad? Like that's always. It's like one is the parents issue. Secondly, it's because the dad's not in a home. This is what you hear all the time. So it's like how do we get parents to understand, or how do we give the parents the tools to be able to parent their children properly, to be able to have the proper resources that you know? Yes, I may have to work at night, so how do I make sure that my child is okay at home at night or with somebody responsible?
Speaker 2:they're not gonna let them run the street, I mean, and that comes to. You know they gotta want the help. You know a lot of people. You know they don't want to swallow their pride. I don't need no help, I got it. These are my kids. You know what I'm saying? It ain't a flex. Just because you need help don't make you a bad person To me. It actually makes you a better person because you're not afraid to say I can't do this alone. You know what I'm saying. If that was the case, then kids wouldn't need two parents.
Speaker 1:Exactly Parents would be, you know everybody would be an individual parent.
Speaker 2:So, you know, yes, salute to all my strong single parents. I salute y'all, I commend y'all, I've been y'all. But everybody needs help, everybody. Even if you feel like you got it all together and some of y'all do, I see it, you feel me and, like I said, that's great, but it's still places or times are going to come where you're going to need that support. You know what I'm saying. It may not be right now, you know what I'm saying, but I don't want to guarantee it.
Speaker 1:But I'm just saying, as a parent, no, I will guarantee you that you need a man in your life, your child's life. You need a father figure or a mentor, because every stage of growth and development needs a man there period. So I guarantee you, if that's not there, there's going to be problems and it's not. These are the statistics and I'm living it my own self. Like I'm a great mom Again, I've done everything I could for my son, but at the same time, we cannot replace a father. We cannot, no matter how much we give our child, because then we end up giving them too much because they lack a father. Like, no matter how much we pour into our children, you can never replace the opposite sex Period. A single dad cannot replace the same like the mom, Like you just can't do it because our roles are different and they're significant.
Speaker 1:So there is a lack. When one parent is not doing their part, there is a complete lack. And the question is how do we as a community, as a society, help parents understand that it's not a flex right? So how do we get people to understand Like you need help?
Speaker 1:I had a pride issue in the beginning when my whole thing was when my ex-husband left and his mom was like, oh, you ain't going to be able to do it without him, and this, that and the other, like even though I was in the same house and pretty much doing it all myself.
Speaker 1:But I was pushing so hard to be the best mother I could possibly be right with two kids and I was just doing everything getting burned out. And then, when my sister and her husband passed away, I got two of their kids Right. So now I'm a single mom of four kids and my whole stride was to be the best mother I can be giving them stuff that they don't have Now that I don't have these father figures in the house. And when I tell you like I literally killed myself trying to do that burnt out because you cannot replace the other parent, no matter how you slice it, I tried it and it's. It is uncomfortable and it's not effective and it's a disservice to our children if we sit around and we think that we don't need the other parent.
Speaker 2:It is a disservice and we gotta stop carrying personal issues in like parenthood. You know what I'm saying, because sometimes a parent not a father not around, not because he don't want to be, but it's because the mom don't like and I don't like. I said, situation scenarios vary but you know, I've seen great fathers ripped out of their kids life because of a bitter female or because the dad got a new woman or you know just some of the goofiest stuff around. So you know, and and the major thing that they, you know, say is that the men don't want to be around. That's not necessarily true, you know. Sometimes it's the woman make it look like they don't want that, they don't want the man around, but they won't say that because it makes them look crazy right so they'll say, oh yeah, he don't want.
Speaker 2:he don't want nothing to do with my son the whole time you got this guy blocked.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:He blocked on your phone social media, like he has no way to get in touch with his child. And you know kids can grow up and resent people for like that because you know eventually kids get old enough to find out the truth.
Speaker 1:Man, that's the. You know you hit that on a money seat. I've coached parents right and I be trying to tell them like listen, first of all I don't care about child support, like, honestly, child support, like you need to be able to support your kids, but that should not be. If you don't give me child support, you cannot see your child. And I've talked to men who the reason why their relationship is so strange is because the mother has blocked that because, because, oh, you ain't paying for it.
Speaker 1:Well, first of all I didn't know it was a pawn. Like I'm so confused like what's going? We playing chess, like what's going on, um, or the female is bitter, or you know a nine times out of ten is because that relationship didn't work out. And then what happens is they see their child and they see the father and their child right, so then they start treating their child different. It's like so much that comes with it.
Speaker 1:But a lot of times, though, the issue is it comes down to a financial issue. You know, uh, being frustrated that you got to support this kid on your own, but at the same time, not looking holistically at how, what it is to raise children, like that emotional piece, that mental piece, that love and that guidance still is needed. And I always urge women, you know, single mind like, stop doing that. Listen, if the man don't pay, he don't pay. Like, at the end of the day, I'm not going to go off on that, even if you're struggling, though, but I feel like it's so much more important for that relationship to be intact versus you getting a check then.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying it's not hard because you ain't it. It's hard out here without the money, but at the same time I think, when we look long, when we look in the future, like it really pays off for allowing them to have a foundational relationship with their opposite sex.
Speaker 2:No, absolutely. You know. Like I said, you know, if kids didn't need both parents then there would be no need for us to. You know, A lot of people enjoy making the kids but then when stuff gets rough, they don't want to take care of them or they don't want to. And you know, earlier, my parents, I was guilty of that, you know, but my thing, was see, I had the upper hand.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah, you can leave, but I'm keeping my kids Right Because this is their address, this is their home. You live with me, okay, you don't have to be here. Oh what, you gonna put my kids on the street? Oh, hell, no, my kids is always welcome here right and that's kind of how I ended up becoming a single father.
Speaker 2:You know I put myself in that position, you know, and at the time, like I said, oh, I'm telling my, I see my dad do it and I'm my dad sitting there looking at me. You got to be a goddamn fool. He said, oh. He said, oh, you want to be a mom now too. I said what you mean? He said you're gonna find out. He said, oh, you're gonna find out. And you know he supported me, he helped me as much as he could. If it wasn't for my father, I probably I probably would have had to either give my kids back or, you know, I'd have had to swallow my pride and be like yo, I need you Knowing. I didn't want nothing to do with him. But I also am a firm believer and this is a dream. I'm talking about my second son, my second baby mom. You know I did not want you and you know she was also. Well, we can't be a family as a family. Then I don't want nothing to do with the child. I'm like that's fine.
Speaker 2:I'll take it, and it's usually the opposite way too, and that's why it blew my mind, you know, and I was just like you know what I think she think I was going to fold, but I don't come from, if I don't come from, a fold and I've never seen my dad fold at nothing. You know what I'm saying, even though you know I'm nowhere near the father that my dad was to me. But I feel like if I could get half of that, then I'm a great father. You know what I'm saying. And, um, I just like to salute the guys who I've personally watched grow up without no dad, and they are some of the best fathers I'm learning from them.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:And these are guys that didn't have no example. You know what I'm saying. We that's what I love about my friends and the guys I hang with Cause. First of all, I don't hang with no dead V fathers. You know what I'm saying Because I I was a single father, so I know how important it is to be one. I tell my friends all the time. For those that might not be there, I'm like, bro, you didn't have one. You know what that's like. Why would you set somebody else up like they set you up? Man, that part right there. Guys, fellas if you're watching, I hope there's some fellas tuned in Listen, be there. I know it might be hard, it might be difficult. Oh man, she's not going to. Let me Listen. Bro, we got the same rights that they do.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying, unless you've been to court and you signed over your rights, fellas, you have rights to your child, might. You have to pay child support. That might be there, but be that. But listen, that bond that you're going to get with your child is way more important than any amount of money you got to give up. I promise you. I promise you, like I said, as we, as the black culture evolves, we see more black dads. We're getting the recognition we deserve. But we still got a long way to go, fellas. They still got this. What's the word I'm looking for? This stereotype on us that black men aren't good fathers, and that's bullshit. We some of the best fathers around. They just don't publicize it enough because you know their goal was to take us away from the family absolutely.
Speaker 1:That's why welfare was invented.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's where all that come from you can't have welfare if the man is in the house. Why do y'all think that is them? Food stamps. Ain't that important that you got to take your father away from your son? You gotta lie about your, your son's father, living with you to get section eight. That's because they don't want to see black families win. We gotta, we gotta, change the narrative, we gotta fix the culture.
Speaker 2:Y'all, like you know I'm saying, and, fellas, fight for your rights. Don't let nobody take nothing away from you. Bro, like I know it's hard, I know it's stressful and I've seen some of my guys listen. I've been one of them, fellas that broke down, you know I'm saying, and I didn't break down because I couldn't see my broke down, broke down because it was so hard. You know what I'm saying as a single parent be there for your child, man. Because nothing hurted me more than crying in front of my sons. Even to this day, like, yes, I tell my sons it's okay to cry, but I try not to cry in front of them because they look at daddy as a strong man. I don't feel strong.
Speaker 1:Right and I think it's important for them to see that you like listen, I ain't got to be strong. Like, who said, like where was it who wrote the fact that parents are supposed to be superheroes? Like we're supposed to wear the cape all the time and we're supposed to not be able to be emotionally attacked? Like, listen, because I think that it's like it's sending a false narrative to our children that we're not supposed to have emotion, men or female. Like if they see that I'm hurt, like this is a real feeling. Let's talk about why I'm hurt.
Speaker 2:But you know who did that to us? Right, we did that to ourselves, by the way, and uproar by us being in these urban communities, and you know everybody just feel like they got to be tough. You know what I'm saying? Because what's the first thing they tell us is you against the world?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:In order for you to deal with that. You feel like you got to be tough. Oh, I'm going against the whole world.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like and it's not the whole world per se, but think about it the highest death rate among anybody is black on black crime.
Speaker 1:Talk about that.
Speaker 2:You know, and we were so quick no disrespect to anything that happened during that Black Lives Matter movement we were so quick to come together with a white cop nailed on a black man neck, which we had the right to do. But when we in the hood and Lil' Jim Jim killed Lil' John John, we just say I ain't snitching, I ain't dying, I ain't got nothing to do with me, that ain't my why. That's more important than a cop killing a black man, because we killing our own, we making our own escape. Right, it's a generation that's getting ready. It ain't gonna be no grandfathers because it ain't no dads now on the raising right come on man, and they talk about it's almost like, it's like, it's like.
Speaker 1:But why are we warring with each other? It doesn't make any sense, and I think that that's why it's so important, as fathers like, to step up, like see something, say something, have that conversation with your kids, like I hear all the time kids talk about oh, I'm not snitching, I'm not snitching like I think it's just I. I can't say from a male perspective, but I'm sick and tired of seeing people die.
Speaker 2:I know for sure and you know not to cut you off, but as a person who who comes from the street culture, I'm not saying that I can don't snitch it, because you know if you live by a street code, then you live by that code. What I'm talking about is, you know, like if you go rob a bank where somebody and your friend get caught and he tell on you and he was there, that's snitching. But if you witness somebody robbing a bank and you call the cops, you're a civilian, you have nothing. And I'm not because I don't know your upbringing, but I'm going off to you that I met. Right now I would expect you to call the authorities because you don't live by the code that I met. Right now I would expect you to call the authorities because you don't live by the code that I grew up by. And maybe you did, maybe you outgrew the code, which is fine because that's where.
Speaker 2:That's where I'm getting at. Yeah, you know, I'm getting to a point in my life where if, if I see a crime, I'm liable to tell on you flat out yeah, I don't care if you kill somebody in front of me, I'm liable to tell them. Now selling drugs and all that's listen. I'm a hustler. I grew up. I had to feed my kids that way. You know, I'm saying and this is another stereotype that we don't, we don't realize that we put ourselves in as black men. You got two type of dads out here. You got your everyday nine to five regular dad and you got what we call a street dad. A street dad is somebody who is there. They're present in their children's lives and when they're with their child they're doing everything that a regular father would do. But when they go outside that door and they hit that block, they're putting themselves at risk. They're not thinking about their child. They are because they're trying to get money to feed their family, but they're feeding it by the wrong means. I used to be a street dad.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying. I was one of them dudes that you couldn't tell me I wasn't doing the right thing, because I'm doing it for the right reasons. I'm doing it to put food on my table, but at the same time it's a lot of street dads that don't make it home. So now as a male, you know, as a street dad, you're going out there with the right intentions, but you might got another guy over here who ain't got no kids they don't have nothing to live for.
Speaker 2:They don't have nobody that depends on them and you got more than them they're gonna take from you, not realizing that y'all pretty much got the same much. Because everything I'm making it's going to my kids. You know I'm saying what you're making you, you out here hustling for jordans, jeans, clothes, whatever you hustling for material things. I'm hustling to make sure my kids eat.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And I'm not, and I don't knock those type of people, but you got to change the outlook of life because, yeah, when you're with your kids, you a dad, but when you're not with them, you a street nigga.
Speaker 1:And that street.
Speaker 2:Nigga is going to win at some point in time. And he's going to take you away from your children. No-transcript. Know children around here, but he said that to me and it registered to me because I'm like damn, I never thought of it that way right, because you're still putting him at risk.
Speaker 1:You know, I mean, I grew up in Chester. I grew up in Chester, I grew up in the city. Like mostly, all my first male cousins are dead and shot and killed.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean so you know, my brother was a hustler Like. I've lived in Chester all my life, it's just. I just evolved, though, in my thinking, because at some point you get tired of people dying, absolutely. You get tired of seeing kids not have their father. And then the male cousins who, who, who have got killed, right then their children are out here hustling right their children are in jail, like you just see this, this cycle, like this, over and over again, and at some point, like you get tired, you're like, okay, so who's gonna break this generational thing?
Speaker 1:like who's gonna be the one? And I understand, I'm awful, providing for your family, right, but at what it costs? At what cost? At some point we got to evolve from our thinking like, okay, maybe for a moment this was where it was at, but, like you said, even going out there I'll leave my kids, I'm still putting myself at risk, right, so what? What has to change? One again more resources in the community, right, more resources. And and I think a lot of teaching has to be made where they for people to, so they can change their perspective. You don't know better if you don't see better, right, like you can't you can't emulate something if you don't see it.
Speaker 1:So if that's all you know, if your dad hustle, if your, if your cousins and everybody in your family hustle, your kids gonna hustle everything. But it has to be somebody to change that. And I think a lot of times the reason why a lot of kids are fatherless because they're dead or in jail. So let's talk about how it's important. So, even as a father in jail, how do you parent your kids? And yeah, I know people who who kid who dads are in jail, has been in jail all their life. So then now they're out, it's a lock up in the community. So how do? How do? How do fathers, like you know, because jail is supposed to be rehab, right, yeah, rehabilitation.
Speaker 2:So they say but you know, because jail was supposed to be rehab, right, yeah, rehabilitation. So they say. But you know, it depends on what type of mindset you go to jail with. Like, if you go to mindset with the jail that you still going to be a nut, a nut While you're there, you're not going to learn, you're not going to change, you're not going to grow, and then if you go there with the mindset that you know what, I'm going to sit down, I'm going to think, I'm going to read.
Speaker 2:You know, those are the people that come home rehabilitated, those are the people that come home ready for reentry into the community, as opposed to those who may just go in there and, you know, may join with the gang or run with the guys, and those are the ones that become repeat offenders and go back and continue to stay into the system. But to answer your question as far as parenting from a prison system, I had to do it for a brief, brief time. I mean it wasn't very long, but it was long enough for me to realize that.
Speaker 2:you know this wasn't something I wanted to do. You know, because you can tell a kid anything over the phone, but it's like what you going to do if I don't listen? What you going to do? I've heard guys on the phone or I've seen kids talk to their mom about their dad. I don't want to talk to him, what he going to do. You know what I mean. So it's hard. You got to be a strong, individual individual and you got to kind of have a relationship already with that child.
Speaker 2:You know Women, you know if take the child, take the child to see, that would be my thing. You know, take the child to where he can physically see his dad, where he can physically see the child and they can interact, because it's hard to interact with somebody over the phone. Right, you know it's hard to have that bond when I can't. Even video calls is not enough. Like you know, make those trips, man. If you got a father, even though he locked up, and he trying help him, you know to take those trips, man. You know I've seen people that I don't really want to say their name. It's this one lady. You know my man. He got locked up. He's sitting for a murder. You know he didn't do it. Whatever, we're not going to get into all that, but you know, I know that she takes him to see his father faithfully.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:She makes hour drives, I don't care what state they move this man in. She makes sure that at least once a month that this child gets to see his father and they have a relationship and it kind of impacts the child to where as though it's not like his dad is on the street but, he sees his dad, he can touch his dad.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying. If he don't do something wrong, he can feel that, because sometimes as a man you just that testosterone just bleeding off your body. Your kids can feel that. That goes to that point where you say, when dad walk in the room, yeah, everything changes. Everything changes. That's that testosterone bleeding out Like oh yo, dad, dad, dad feels some type of way you know, what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:So it's important. No matter like that matters and I say that because I've experienced it firsthand as well with one of my step-sons. You know what I'm saying. So it's important. If you have a father and the father is trying, it's important to let that man be a part you know what I'm saying and especially if the kid wants to be involved.
Speaker 2:If the kid wants to see their father. If they had a prior relationship to him going to jail, it's important that you try to keep that relationship as normal as possible, or as normal as you can in the circumstances you know what I'm saying like, if he's allowed visits.
Speaker 2:Like I said, take a weekend, take the time, travel up there if you gotta get a little cheap room and stay overnight so you ain't gotta drive back late at night. But make an effort it and it's important that you know kids see co-parenting at its peak when I say at its peak, at its finest.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying Not just Mom and Dad always arguing Every time they get together. It's like there ain't no love around that joint because, like we said, it trickles into adulthood and they become that type of person. They don't know how to treat their significant other because, um, mommy and daddy always right.
Speaker 2:That's all you know, that's all you know, and even though I hope sorry and even though I had a great father you know I'm saying it was one time you know my mom and dad was never married and my dating separation is like 97, something like that. And I was a grown man, I was probably like 19 or 20 me and my dad was having a conversation in the kitchen and you know he was verbally bashing my mom and I had to tell my dad like yo like.
Speaker 2:I don't like that. Can you stop, yeah, cause I mean, at the end of the day, she may not be the best mom, but she's still my mom and you affecting how I look, always afraid of my dad. I could talk to him, but if I say the wrong thing, he's going to back hit me. It was like now I'm 20. I was feeling myself, I'm like man, he hit me and my brother just told me he said you ever hit our fucking dad, we will kick your ass. So I'm, and my brother told me, said you ever hit our fucking dad, we will kick your ass. So I'm like all right, but I ain't gonna let him talk to me any type of way, neither, because I'm coming into my manhood it's the type of man he raised me to be, and it's not to take no stuff from nobody, right?
Speaker 2:you know what I'm saying. So, and from that moment on to this day, my dad is never, ever bad mouth.
Speaker 2:My mom in front of me again and so sometimes like we got to be careful what we say in front of our kids absolutely and listen to our kids because we got we're the generation right now where these kids got a voice they do because of social social media told them at an early age they have a voice right and they are not afraid to use it. That's one of my biggest things I learned since working in the school, you know, because the year prior to this year I was a hard ass. I was on these kids. I don't want to hear that because I was in a different role. So I came back this year as a mentor and my job was to listen to them Right. So I'm listening. Some of these kids got real life issues.
Speaker 2:Absolutely we think that age is just a number of people. You know, with the society that we've grown in and with social media giving these kids so much access to so much at early age, and you know guns coming in, these ghost guns coming in our community, you know. Do you know what a ghost gun is? It's a gun that people can order offline and put together theyself wait, which makes it untraceable.
Speaker 2:That's what ghost guns come from. People you can my, a 14 year old child can get online. Order the pieces to the gun, get the package package, get on YouTube, put it together. So now he has a gun.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:A lot of people don't understand that. That's where these guns, that's how these kids is getting guns in these hands. They're not, nobody's giving it to them, they're buying them themselves.
Speaker 1:They're buying them off your account, off your account Off your Amazon, off your account. You don't even know. Off your account, off your Amazon Off your account?
Speaker 2:You don't even Yo. Yeah, you think they ordering Roblox points, or VC for. Playstation 5. Man, little John, john just ordered a semi-automatic rifle under your name and put it together off a YouTube video. Now he has protection because he's scared to walk down the street.
Speaker 1:I was going to say. And then we got to get to the root of why he thinks that's okay to do. Oh wow, because there ain't no regular kids, no more.
Speaker 2:You know I talk to a lot of these kids, man, and that was one of my questions for the high school kids Like, do y'all respect regular people? And one young boy answered me ain't no regular people, everybody out. I'm like even a nigga in basketball he said if he played basketball. He from the wrong hood, he my op. I said, but the nigga played basketball.
Speaker 1:Right, that's a lot of hurt and pain Right there. Though that's hurt and pain Right there, that's coming from somewhere, cause kids aren't born like that. Like you're not born Like that, your environment, society has made you this way, has made you hard and rough. I mean growing up like I was the roughest, toughest kid. Everybody know you mess with Donna Carson man, mess with anybody any Carson's in my family. I'm coming to get you because I was hard and I was rough, because I was angry as an angry kid so, and then I was bullied too. So you want to do all this crazy stuff like nobody's born that way. So we got to support parents of how to first of all communicate with our kids, really building great relationships at home so that we don't have to let the streets raise them or or their friends.
Speaker 1:You know you said something earlier though I want to get back to before we close out, about how do you speak about your, the child's parent. Like you know, I'm a strong believer. Like you, don't bash the father, you don't bash the mother. Like I've never talked bad about. I mean, I've covered my ex-husband like I didn't even like some crazy stuff. Live for him. You know what I mean just so that they don't look at their dad with that perspective.
Speaker 1:But it had two ways, though. Kind of messed me up with that though, with my daughter, who's now 25, right, she's, she grew up, her, she was like nine when her dad left and I never talked bad about her dad at all, right, never talked bad about her dad. But once she got of age and she went to go see live with her dad, you know, at 19 he he started talking bad about me. So then that messed up our relationship now, because a lot of stuff that he said wasn't true, but because she wanted her dad around and she's listening to her dad. So my daughter, honestly, y'all hearing for the first time my 25 and my year old, we don't even communicate, because once she went to the side with her dad, that's all she heard. Because she wanted her dad. So anything that her dad was feeling in her head, that's what she believed, right? So that's the one side.
Speaker 1:But then I got my son, same father who, when he was at the house with them and they were talking bad about me, he came home and said mom, why are they saying this about you? Like he was able to have? This is how I knew they were talking crazy about me, because my son told me. He said I don't like what they're saying about you. I don't like because that's not what I see. So and I still never bad mouth their dad, even though he kept bad mouthing me. And it's so important because they will learn later eventually, when they grow up.
Speaker 1:Because my son knows now the truth, right, because the crazy thing I had a conversation with the dad, brought him to my house. My son was upstairs and I'm counteracting his lies like why are you lying like that? My son, I recorded the whole thing so that y'all think I ain't crazy. He faced up to something, he owned up to some stuff, he lied, but we didn't know that my son was upstairs listening. So now he sees a different perspective. He knew what his heart, the type of person I was.
Speaker 1:But he says to me, ma, he said you will never talk about it with my dad. Why would I? That's your dad. And I think we really got to curve these conversations Because at the end of the day, I don't care how mad that you are at the individual, it's about the child. Now y'all brought this child as well as your responsibility to make sure this child grows up healthy and grow, develop healthy and be the best, be successful, whatever that means for that child Like. It's our responsibility as parents. We can't blame one parent and lack our own responsibility. We really got to do this as a team and if you don't do the best that you can like, don't do the best that you can.
Speaker 2:But one thing don't ever bash the other parent, especially if they trying. Yeah, maybe if they ain't.
Speaker 1:You still shouldn't bash them, but don't do it, because that kid is going to grow up and they're going to resent you because they're going to believe you done withheld them from their father. You was only trying to collect a paycheck, all these things that they say. But if you continue to walk in integrity and really just focus on the main thing, which is the child, the outcome is going to be better, like when they go sit in the therapist's office at 35 and the therapist is talking to them. The therapist is going to help them realize that, oh, you did the best that you could and you ain't never bashed. A person Like the therapist is going to be able to allow them to walk through those processes, not us putting stuff on them, and that's what I encourage anybody.
Speaker 1:Um, we're about to run out. We are running out of time y'all, but what I want to say is thanks for coming on. But I want you to tell me what would you say out here to single dads, married dads, dads in general, of what they need to do or how we need to either show up, come up whatever you got to say to them, because I think it's important.
Speaker 2:Listen, fellas, like I was saying earlier, man, just, no matter what your situation is, you know, just do the best that you can to be there for your child especially my fathers of these young fellas out here, you know, because they need us. You know what I'm saying, myself included. You know I'm an okay father. I don't consider myself the best. I'm doing my best, but I know I can do better. You know what I'm saying. Don't let nobody tell you how you are as a father. Just know, you know what I'm saying. You'll know if you're doing a good job by how your kids respond to you. You know what I'm saying. They need you, they need us and listen. We need this cohesiveness, we need unity. You know what I'm saying. That's one of my biggest things I preach in the community. So unity, man, it's all about just and it may sound corny, but just be there for your kids, man. It's all we can do. They need us. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I understand some fellas are not in the situation, because that's what I hear a lot. Oh, you ain't in my situation. You got it easy. Yes, I may, because I have full custody of mine, but I went. I went through that. You know I'm saying I went through the process, the battle, to get that. You know I'm saying so, fellas, it's possible. You know I'm saying if you're not in the shape right now, get yourself together, get your, get your crib work. Just do it the right way. Man be, be here, be present, stay alive and stay free.
Speaker 2:Be, present, stay alive and stay free, and everything else will fall into place. Fellas, I promise you, man, Just keep trying Be spiritual. Whether you're Muslim, you believe in God, Allah, whatever your faith is, just have faith, man. God will guide you down the path that is for you and I guarantee you your kids is on that path, waiting for you all right, you hear from a father, right?
Speaker 1:a father who who's living their life and in a community to help these young boys. Uh, so they can grow up to be the best that they can be, and potentially be great fathers as well thank you so much for coming to the show.
Speaker 2:I appreciate the invite. As you know, we're bringing back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting.
Speaker 1:we'll see you again next week for coming to the show. I appreciate the invite. As you know, we're bringing back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. We'll see you again next week, thank you.
