.jpg)
Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
The Transformative Power of Active Fathers
Ever felt the weight of parenting, especially when life throws curveballs your way? I'm Donna Janel, and after a rejuvenating two-week hiatus filled with personal celebrations, I'm back to share my deeply personal journey of raising my niece, who has overcome immense challenges to graduate with honors and is now on her way to join the Marines. This episode is dedicated to all parents and guardians striving to equip their children with the right tools and trust needed for them to thrive and find their true paths.
As we venture into the core of this episode, we shift our focus to the pivotal role of fathers. The influence of an emotionally engaged father goes beyond traditional expectations, positively impacting areas like teenage pregnancies, school expulsion rates, and overall child development. Together, we challenge the notion that past generations were "just fine" without paternal emotional support, advocating instead for the transformative power of active fathering.
Finally, we address the critical issue of feeling rejected by one's family and the profound need for positive father figures. I emphasize the irreplaceable role fathers play in fostering emotional stability and self-worth in their children. For single moms, I urge the importance of finding secure male figures for their children and maintaining healthy co-parenting relationships. As we conclude, we reflect on the power of honest conversations in healing and the continuous effort required to create positive changes for our families. Let's celebrate and understand the invaluable contributions of fathers throughout this heartfelt month-long series.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Thank you. Outro Music. Hey everybody, welcome back to Parenting with a Purpose. I am your host, donna Janelle. It is so great to be back in the studio. Y'all.
Speaker 1:I have been off for the last two Thursdays. One Thursday was my birthday. The other Thursday was my daughter graduating from high school. Y'all know, as a parent like I, was elated. I was celebrating, I was literally in tears y'all this one kid of mine you know I got four right, but this one kid, in my particular, this is my second oldest. This is the one that I got from my sister and her husband, who both passed away my sister 10 years ago and her husband 12 years ago. So this is one of the ones. Um, I have two of their children. They were six and eight when I got them, so now the 18 year old.
Speaker 1:Because it's been 10 years, y'all, 10 years on this journey, y'all, I've been parenting for 25 years, but I don't parenting as a single mom of four kids for the last 10 years. And when I tell you it's been a journey, it's been a journey, it's been a journey, but I was so excited because she graduated. You know the statistics for children who, when one parent passed away right, is one in 12 children and only 20% of those graduate from high school on time. This girl lost two parents right and she graduated high school. She graduated with honors, national Iron Society. She is hitting to go in the Marines y'all. I'm super excited, right, as a parent, you're like, why are you excited to send your kid to the Marines? Because this girl has overcome so many things in her life. You know, her journey was not for the weak. Okay, it started off rough and she has managed to be able to do this thing with grace and just beauty, even in the ashes, you know. So I'm excited y'all, but I'm happy to be back, y'all. I am happy back and I'm happy to talk about this topic tonight.
Speaker 1:And you know my goal, my theme, my mission, the vision is children are parents, are the bulls and our children are arrows Right, and they will go wherever we sent them. Now, I know this disclaimer it might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, it might not be next year, hey, it might not even be the next five or 10 years, but eventually they will, they will land, they will land and they will land when they're supposed to land right, because they all have life challenges, different things coming at them as well. But, as parents, as long as we dress them, we don't send them out in the world naked they will be okay, right, planting those tools inside of them, planting those seeds in there, so that those seeds can take root and grow fruit, right, and their fruit shall remain. So as long as we, as parents, do what we need to do and impart in our children, to teach them, to guide them, to lead them and show them the way, they will get to their destination. They will. You and I both know, as parents. When we were children, our parents probably prayed for something different for us, or, you know, they had a journey too. Now that we're in this parenting thing, we know that parenting is a journey, right? So I'm quite sure that it took a long time for each and every one of us to get to where we are now, and we face different challenges. So let's give our kids some grace to grow. That's the new thing grace to grow, giving our children grace to grow so that they too can go.
Speaker 1:So tonight, y'all though, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight, we are talking about fathers. You know, this is the month of June and the world has the United States has dedicated this month to fathers. They said you know there's a Sunday that's particularly for Father's Day. It's a Sunday, but we like to take care of the whole month. The whole month Actually, it should be the whole 365 days that we honor both mothers and fathers, but this time particularly, I'm taking the month of June to just talk to fathers. Y'all Just never been done before in my show. It's literally going to be testosterone through the studio for the month of June. Right, and yes, it's just going to be me, and you know, I feel like I'm equipped and I'm good to handle these fathers. You know, last time I had single fathers on here, it was like four against one. They was coming at the single moms and it was like crazy in here, but I held it down for us, right?
Speaker 1:So this month, though, with this father, there's so many different ways we're going with the shows. This month we're going to talk about the importance of father, the roles of fathers, all good, better and different. If you had a good father, if you didn't have a good father, whatever your perspective was, just like so many things. Because, again, you know, here at Parenting with a Purpose, we talk about stuff that people don't want to talk about, right, we talk about them, uncomfortable conversations and stuff that people put in the backyard and try to bury over generation on generation, and we wonder why people act a certain way because your granddaddy did it, your great granddaddy did it, your great, great, great granddaddy did it right. So here at Parent, parents With a Purpose, uncomfortable conversations and interested enough y'all.
Speaker 1:Tonight this is one of my. You know, parenting itself for me has been a journey Through my own experience as being a child, growing up with you know life, different circumstances, situations, you know, not all so great, but I came out well right y'all. So, and it's no secret to everyone how I mentioned before my upbringing with my parents, my mother and my father, some issues that I had myself with abandon and rejection and things like that. So tonight, ironically enough, y'all, I'm gonna be transparent tonight, I'm gonna be open and we're gonna see where this go. Y'all, I'm going to be transparent tonight, I'm going to be open and we're going to see where this goes. Y'all, we're going to see where this goes.
Speaker 1:So originally, y'all, my father was supposed to be on the show with me, my biological father. Now we have a good relationship. I think it could be better, but we're working towards that right. And you know, you never know that if you're really over something, it's something happens, right. So you know he's supposed to be on the show. My dad was so excited, you know, leading up to the show I asked his permission we were really going to get down and dirty with it and I got a phone call today from my mom not my dad telling me that my dad's not feeling well, he won't be able to be on the show, two hours before the show y'all.
Speaker 1:So it's crazy, because the little girl in me kind of almost reverted back to like it was a trigger for me of being a band that banner drag uh rejected not showing up for me. But now I'm a grown woman and, and I didn't think that it would affect me the way that, you know, my mind was trying to take me for a minute Because I'm like listen, I'm healed, I'm over, I have a relationship. We're still growing in our relationship and you know I'm a grown woman, right, I'm out here, I'm out here on my own. I'm a grown woman. And so when I got the news I said okay, and I kind of had to take an honest moment and talk to God, because so many times we want to cover up stuff and we think that stuff doesn't affect us. But we're human and things do affect us, right? The thing is that, how does it affect us? Is it going to affect us in a negative way, where it paralyzes and we can't move to the next level, or is it going to make us angry? How is it going to affect us? So I just take a moment and I had to be honest with myself. I had to be honest with God.
Speaker 1:I am disappointed y'all and this is not to throw shade at my dad and put nothing out there, because I know many of you guys are dealing with the same situation. So it's like how do we deal with it? Right now, I'm not throwing no, no, no fire on my dad. I'm not throwing no shade on my dad. I love my dad and I'm not saying that my dad wasn't sick today, right, but here it is. This is what I, what I was sharing with my sister on my on the way here.
Speaker 1:It's like, for some reason, moms, it don't matter hell or high water, sick or not sick, listen, we showing up for our kids, right, it does. There's plenty of times like I was not had no sleep and just really not being able to do it. But pushing ourselves. And I noticed was a trend like mom show up, no matter what work, school, sickness, like it doesn't matter unless they're in a hospital bed, they going to show up. So I thought about it like I am allowed to be disappointed and I was hoping that my dad showed up, even if he's not feeling well and I'm not saying he do or he don't, that ain't none of my business, but what I'm saying is that I honestly, transparently, am disappointed. Now, what do I do with that disappointment? I was going to cancel the show tonight. I honestly was going to cancel the show, but I thought about it like I am on a mission for parents, right, I am on a mission for parents, right, I am on a mission, no matter what goes on, that I have an assignment and I have a purpose, right, and that is to bring out the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting.
Speaker 1:Although parenting is hard. You have ups, downs, ins outs. Sometimes you think you're walking on the side of your head as a parent and there's moments in our life where things that we think that we're healed from and we continue to proceed with our children, and then we realize there are some triggers, there are some things that we're not healed from. So I realized today I was disappointed. I'm disappointed. Does that mean that I'm not still healing? I am still healing, but I realized today I thought I was completely healed from the situation, but when it hit me with that little disappointment, I was like you probably need to do some more work, donna, which is okay, being honest with yourself.
Speaker 1:So tonight we're going to be talking about fathers, and you know, I kind of had to switch the program a little bit because of that. But it's crazy enough that when you know, like in your heart, you kind of felt, like I kind of felt a little bit it not happen, but I was praying and wishing it. Hope it would, um, just based on the history of things. But again, it happens. Life happens, life be lifing. I keep telling y'all life be out here lifing. But I know God is still God and so I'm good. So tonight I'm I'm gonna take it alone, and what I'm gonna talk about. I think it's great, though, because this is kind of setting the foundation of the month and we're talking about fathers, right.
Speaker 1:So I want to talk about the importance of the father, the role of a father and what it really looks like, what it looks like in the lives of our children, we as adults. And I want to read something to you. You know I like to do my little research, y'all. I don't come up here with just nothing y'all. This thing right here kind of blessed my soul, because I always try to give y'all some numbers, right, because people do really do research and there are statistics out here, right. It says in the US alone we're talking about the United States, and I know I got people across the world Shout out to my people that are in Africa, nigeria, kenya. I know y'all follow me, thank you guys for following me so much but it says 72 million dads across the country.
Speaker 1:There are 72 million dads in the US, 72 million dads man. That number is 72 million dads in the US. 29 million of those are grandfathers. So that means that, like, they're dads, and then we have grandfathers, right, and 70 percent of them live with, live with their children. There's two parent households. 70 percent of the households that are parenting there's two parent households. 25, 20 percent are parenting by their mother only and five percent by their fathers.
Speaker 1:Now we don't really talk too much about fathers parenting their children ourselves, right. But you guys know I had some guys on here who are taking care, they're holding it down for their children, their parents and their children themselves. Their children live with them, they wake up with them, they go to bed with them, they go to school. They do everything that a parent should do, right? It's just as a father we're so used to seeing that, as a mother, like I said, through hell and high water, mothers, we be out here, right. So it's good to see fathers out here too, right? So that's the numbers, right. That are the numbers.
Speaker 1:Like it was hard for me to believe there was 72 million men out here, out here dads. I mean, there's a lot of kids, so why wouldn't there be 72 million dads? But there are, right. So I thought about that and I was like, wow, there's. So, because there's so many things that go on in the world and we always see the highlighted things of the absence of a father, right. What happens to a child when a father isn't there? We don't really hone in on too much of what happens to a child when a father is there, right, it seems like you know the world, the new society. You know we tend to gravitate to negativity, right, the lack of not what we have or what we're doing within.
Speaker 1:I think that we really need to change the trajectory of conversations. Right Of not talking about what could have, should have, would have been, but what are we doing? And even though that didn't happen, how do we get to the next level? What do we do from here? I don't want to talk about problems, no more y'all. I want to talk about solutions. So, with parents and we know there's all types of problems and things like that, I'm a hero of your problems, but let's figure out what we can do about it. All right, in order to change the trajectory of our children, we as parents need to change ourselves. We need to be able to transform our own lives so that, therefore, we can impart to our children and help them be successful, whatever success look like for them in your family, right?
Speaker 1:So, um, I kind of wanted to talk about, um, parents, fathers play an important role in a children's life emotional support, right, fathers, we look at just moms showing emotional support, like you know the old saying, at least what I heard and what I hear from generation, my generation and generation before me about the role or the importance of a dad in a house is to be the provider, the person that provides finances, shelter and security. Right, that's what I heard. The role of a father. It's not too much talk about fathers being emotional and intact with their children. They leave that up to the moms. That's what it was back in the day.
Speaker 1:But we know that times are changing and we've realized that that might have been okay for then. That is not okay. The way we're parenting our children now. Now, I always hear this is the crazy thing. One of the things I hear a lot of people from generations before me is well, I turned out all right. My parents wasn't emotionally attacked and I turned out all right. And I look at them like, oh, did you Really? That's interesting, because that's just their perspective Like it wasn't too bad, I turned out all right. Here's the thing Parents did the best that they could with what they had at the time.
Speaker 1:But there's also a way to make room for improvement, right. As a parent, we all know we experience some things, that we have to make unpopular decisions. There are some things that just we don't do right. We're just not like we don't understand, and it's just life, be life. But I think if we make room to pivot and make room for changes to become better, I think that we all end up in a better place If we recognize that we're not, there's no perfect parent, there's no superhero parent, and that we really need to be able to transform so that we can transition to another area, to another level, to another dimension in our parenting, right? So I wrote down a lot of things, y'all. I got my tablet, y'all. I got some notes. You know no more of this paper stuff. I got my technology together. I got some notes. So I can kind of scroll down to my notes y'all Looking real nice up in here, all right.
Speaker 1:So the portions of a father Again, we thought the importance was providing for us, giving us security. Oh, the manly man is going to secure the house, going to hold it down, going to make sure that we eat, because he's going to be out there finding a job. Mom's going to kind of stay at home or either go to work and still cook and clean and all that stuff. Things have changed. So our fathers have have much more role than just being that financial provider and that security provider. Right and, honestly, if you, if you think back on your life, think about your upbringing and the father, or the lack thereof, think about how did it affect you and what your perception of it is right Because, like I said, I heard this all the time security, all that other stuff, but think about how you really perceive how a father should be, how you think a father should be in your life or in a child's life, right? So I got.
Speaker 1:Fathers are important because they do this, right. They impact the child's success, right? Statistics show that chances of educational success increase when fathers are involved in parenting. Children are less likely to get involved in situations like teenage birth, being expelled or even serving jail sentence. Now, let's talk about that for a second, because when you look at that, it's like, oh great, teenage birth is going to be down because the father is involved, kids are going to be able to stay in school and they're not going to do no jail time. Now hear me clearly there is a way to father.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I realized just by doing this parenting with a purpose thing is that there's a such thing as a father being in your life and being present in your life, right, you know that you could be in a room with a bunch of people we all hear, but that doesn't mean that we're present, right? By present, I mean, are they involved? Are they active? Right, because we know that through generations, though, there are fathers who actually are been to jail and their kids are going to jail too, because the father hasn't transformed, and then they allow their children to see that, and then they too become a product of the environment, of the negative portion of the environment. You're going to become a product of your environment, whether it's positive or negative. If your environment is negative, you may find a way to get out of that negativity into positivity and and produce better right. But then there's on the get out of that negativity into positivity and produce better right. But then there's on the flip side of that, you're around negative people. You're going to be negative because you don't want nothing better right, or you may not know how to get better. So let me back that up you may not know how to get better.
Speaker 1:So there, but what the statistic is saying is that if a father is in the home, if a father is actively in a child's life, even if they're not in the home. But if they're actively in the child's life, that child has no other choice but to succeed. That child will be successful educationally. That child will know the importance of school, staying in school and learning and being supportive, because a father is supportive, right, and they're going to realize listen, my dad is not in jail. Why should I go in jail? My dad has done all these great, amazing things. Why would I want to do something opposite of what I see? Right, because kids mimic what they see. So the stats show y'all it ain't me, it's the stats showing that if a father is actively involved in their children, they're less likely to be teens birth there's less likely to be expelled from school and less likely to serve jail time period. That's what it says, and we know those three things, right there, are significantly important, right? So that's about the education, the impact and the importance of a father when it comes to education.
Speaker 1:Again, we just talk about the security. You know, I'm not going to minimize security, because our kids do need to feel protected, being a child and experience a lot of bad things because I wasn't protected. It's protection is a key Top notch, one of the top ones, right? But also that emotional stuff is important. Um, it says, uh, fathers, uh, they improve a child's well-being, so fathers help children make better, better life decisions.
Speaker 1:I don't know about y'all, but I've seen a couple tiktoks right and the mom will be talking to, to the kid, and I think I've seen this a lot too. The mom had been talking to a kid and you could, moms, we could tell the kids something four different times. It's almost like they don't understand, they don't want to hear, or nothing. As soon as a father walk in that room, let me tell you, man, it's like I don't know if y'all seen roaches when you turn the lights on. That is just how it is. When a father walks in a room, it's like somebody light switch went on and the kids just start scattering, start doing exactly what they were told to do. The father didn't have to yell, the father didn't scream, the father didn't threaten to beat the kid. It was just something about that father authority knowing that I got to do right.
Speaker 1:They play with us. Mom, I'm not going to front. My kids play with me all the time too. They play, but a father they don't play. No games with them. They don't play. They straighten up real fast Sometimes.
Speaker 1:Listen, being a single mom for kids, I'll be like can I rent a dad for a day? Can I rent a dad for a day because these kids not listening. I just need can somebody record something for me so I can play for the kids, because I done told them 20 times that just if I had this male present in this house, I know things would be different. So sometimes I'll be like can I rent a dad for a day, not for me, my own purposes, but just for the kids y'all. So it says that fathers they highly contribute to the child's cognitive development. Children develop cognitively well and their behavior improves once they know that they're loved by a father. Now we could talk about moms all day because we know moms, but I really want to hone into the importance of this father role, that emotional support, right support, and the stats say kids do better when fathers are involved. I can honestly say kids do better when fathers are involved.
Speaker 1:No slight to these single moms out here. I'm not out here trying to promote single moms because I I'm not on. I'm not out here trying to promote single moms because I did it all these years and it ain't fun. I'm not trying to do that. But what I'm saying is that you know, we do the best that we can with what we got going on, but it's really important for fathers.
Speaker 1:I know, early in my singleness you know, I think I've been a single mom for 14 years and earlier in my singleness I was really seeking out a dad for my kids, like I really was, like I'm not doing this parenting thing on my own. You're crazy. I've seen what it like. I experienced life, okay, and earlier in my day, and I was looking for somebody to father my kids, but then, when I just it just wasn't the perfect, the right fit, not the perfect fit, it just didn't the perfect, the right fit, not the perfect, it just didn't fit. So now that I'm older and my kids are 25, 18 and 16, I'm not looking for somebody to parent my kids with me anymore, you know. So that kind of changes too. But earlier I really was looking for somebody to help raise my kids and I just didn't pan out. So that's why I've been single my 14 years.
Speaker 1:It's okay, though, because they almost out of there and they don't significantly well even it just being me, um, but I do understand and value the importance of a father. You know, one of the things that you hear we just got finished May and that was Mother's Day and one of the things that you hear constantly is, um, mother, single mom, saying happy Father's Day to me and I'm like, what kind of foolishness is this? You know, everybody have a particular role, right, and I ain't no father. I'm going to tell you that now I'm not your daddy, I'm your mother, and I think that I don't know if that's just. Single.
Speaker 1:Moms want to be recognized that we do it all. We do the mother and the father role, but at the same time, like we cannot replace the father, no matter how you slice it, we are the mothers period, and we can get role models in our kids, we can get some mentors in our kids' life, some men in our life, but we need to be honest with ourselves. We are not the dads we are not. So I tell people yo, if you say Happy Father's Day to me, in May you disrespected me, because now you kind of like belittle the fact that I'm a mom. If June is coming up, you know June is here and it's Father's Day. And if you say Happy Father's Day to me, you're going to get the side eye. I'm telling you You're going to get the side eye. I'm telling you you won't get that eye because I don't want nobody to say happy Father's Day to me.
Speaker 1:I'm not a father. I still send my ex-husband happy Father's Day text because he's still the father of the kids, like he's a father, no matter how they behave. The fact of the matter is they're here because he helped produce the children, right? That's what happened. So, whether I like it or not, whether we get along or not, he's still the daddy, right? So, out of respect, I say happy Father's Day. No, he don't say happy Mother's Day to me. I don't look for it, I don't care. But out of respect and the type of person I am, I say happy Father's Day. But I'm just saying, as we start in June, stop telling mothers happy Father's Day. Stop, mothers, stop wanting people to tell you happy Father's Day, because you're not the father and I know it's uncomfortable and I do recognize the hard work that it takes to be a single mom but at the same time, we're not the dads. I can't be two people. I only can be one person. That's me, and God created me to be a mother. That's it so. And God created me to be a mother. That's it.
Speaker 1:So this is the part that we hear about all the time. Fathers provide financially support, right, because this is the big thing that people always say what the father is money and security period. That's, that's what it is. But we change in that conversation. So this is something that parents, parents and dads and mom has changed over the years, like the role. I think the importance is still there, but how we kind of pivot, how we kind of shake, you know it's differently, right?
Speaker 1:So whereas back in the day the man, the father, may have been out working, sun up, sun down, working providing Right, making sure that their food on the table, clothes in the bag, lights in the house, right, and they really had the significant role of the financial responsibility in the house, this is back in the day. That's not so much now day, that's not so much now. And again we'll hear much older folks say well, that's how it was back in the day and it worked. I would beg to differ when I look at it and we, based on conversations and therapy, it didn't work out too well like that, like we think that it did, because we have this thing in our mind that if it was done, and it was done so long that that's the way it's supposed to be. So now, because of the lack of fathers in the home that are providing financial support, mothers are now working, son after son, down to provide. So we do know that there's a difference when a man in the house and just a single mom. So but, um, back in the day, like they provide all most of the financial support.
Speaker 1:But times are changing and again, that's that's also has something to do with the fact that women were making way less than men. Right, men were like the top breadwinners, like a woman first of all, if a woman could get a job, and then, if they do, they were getting paid like dime on a dollar of men. Now we already know that there are significantly different pay rate with black, black people in general, black men in general. So then you got not only that, I'm a black woman, I'm black, but I'm a woman, so I'm going to get paid way, way, way less than what everyone else is getting paid. So that's why that's another reason why the man, the father in the house, was really the keynote, the red winner, right. Times have changed and you know, we on the scene. Now we're able to provide, we're able to further our education so that we can provide for our family.
Speaker 1:So you may see some flip-flops in the role of the house now. You may see dads that are stay-at-home dads, and moms are out here making you know six figures and stuff to hold the house down. And that's not saying that the dad is lazy, he don't want a job, no, it's just that whatever works for that dynamic of the family, that's what works. If a dad listen, honestly I'm going to tell you sometimes, even as a mother, we don't be mother and we don't be doing stuff right Like we'd be, we'd be tired, we'd be frustrated and, like I said, our kids respond to men differently to the dads, differently than us. So sometimes maybe I am my skills and my talents and my gifts and my ability is to be outside of the house working, and maybe that father is such more emotional, attached, just better, at this portion of parenting and that it's early in childhood is okay for the dad to stay home. But again, whatever works for your house, whatever your dynamic works, you know, I think it's awesome that I see stay at home dads. I think it's awesome. I don't want to be a stay at home mom. Listen here, listen Linda. No, thank you. Listen.
Speaker 1:My friend owns a daycare man, a childcare center, and I say to her all the time whoa? Now, as you know, I'm a nurse and I deal with kids that are medically complex. So most of my kids, you know, they have machines. They don't talk, they do, they're nonverbal, so but when I talk to her she's also my prayer partner. So when I talk to her in the morning and these kids coming in, let me tell you you can't pay me a million dollars to be a child care provider. You can't pay me a million dollars to be a child care provider Dealing with kids all day that are active. That's a job in itself.
Speaker 1:Kudos to those who stay at home Single the stay-at-home moms, the stay-at-home dads, the stay-at-home aunts, the stay-at-home uncles, anybody that stay athome taking care of kids. Kudos to you, because this is not my assignment. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work and you really have to have the patience for that and the adornance because it gets rough out there. So I don't knock any father or any mother who want to be a stay-at-home Again.
Speaker 1:Whatever works for the dynamics of your family, as long as the family is financially stable and nobody is feeling more pressure or stress than the other, like it's a team, because teamwork makes the dream work right. So I'm never going to tell somebody what they should do in their household. Now, if you ask me for some advice, see how we can enhance the household. I'm your girl. I'm never going to tell you how to live your life period. I think whatever works for you and your family, it's whatever works right. If you guys are being effective and being successful with it, why bother it? If you ain't feeling some type of way? She not feeling some type of way? I don't feel no type of way. It's just that sometimes we have to. We seem like we have to meet the expectations of the world, Like the world says this is what this look like. The world says that's what that look like. But we are all unique and we are made uniquely right. So we don't have to mimic what other people do. We don't have to please the world or please other people, um, because it's our life that we have to live honestly, like nobody's going to live this life for us. It's our life, day in and day out. We on the job right. So again whatever works for your house, and I so appreciate, though, those stay-at-home dads I definitely do.
Speaker 1:I remember growing up earlier when I was little, before my dad left. I remember my dad doing my. My mom used to go out and do her thing, but I remember my dad doing my hair. I remember my dad cooking my. My mom used to go out and do her thing, but I remember my dad doing my hair. I remember my dad cooking like he was home and he worked, though, but he was the one that was really responsible for us at a young age because my mom was doing her thing. So I remember him combing our hair, um feeding us, reading to us, having us listen to music. I'm talking about very early in childhood, before he left, because I think I don't remember what age I was when when he moved, but I do remember when he was there and I remember the fun I used to have, um walking to the store with him like I was daddy's girl, and I see this is why y'all could tell that I was kind of disappointed about tonight.
Speaker 1:I'm a daddy's girl, point blank, period. I love my moms, but I'm a daddy's girl and um, because the relationship with my dad leaving really, um brought some emotional things to me. Um, that I became like emotionally deficient in areas because of the fact that I felt abandoned and rejection, that my dad left. But I do remember the good times I had when I remember going to the store man and he used to do my hair. Yo, he used to be able to do our hair well, put little ponytails in it, look all cute.
Speaker 1:So that's why I think stay-at-home dads are pretty cool, because you guys know how to do it. Stay-at-home moms you're great too, but it's just something about seeing a dad that's able to be like emotionally attached to their child, being able to help them with their homework, cook with them and things like that. I think that that is just awesome and that's what I did miss once my dad was no longer in the house. I did miss those things. So they are important and he did some I mean, he had a job so he did provide as well. But that other portion, that thing for me was better than the financial portion, and I can say that because I ain't had to pay the bills but for me was better than the financial portion. I can say that because I had to pay the bills, but for me as a child, that emotional support of him sitting there doing my hair and all that other stuff, that that's what I remember the most and that's what I remember I miss the most.
Speaker 1:Um, so we know that the father responsibility in the family is supporting the family, right, I think, like the presence. Again, I can't even stop talking about the presence of a father, like you can see it day in and day out. You can kind of tell when there's not a man in the child's life, because again, we start seeing all these behavioral issues, bullying. Bullying is one of the biggest things that children do who don't have a, a father that's uh, um active in their life. Like they start, you know, taking on these anger things and they start bullying other uh people because of the lack thereof, right, so we see that a lot. Um, what, what bullying is? And you, that's one of the telltale signs that there's a lack of a father figure in the, in the child's life. Um, we already talking about um the cognitive figure, the cognitive ability. Um helps us with connections and bonds and stuff. We used to think that was all, when all mothers it's fathers too. Um, we talk about the authority figure. It's just something about like that, I don't know that testosterone or something show up in the room. Everything changes, even for me, even me being 44, when my dad, when my bad dad, my um, my bonus dad and my bishop, which is my dad, let me say it's so crazy, it's so amazing how God do things. I'm gonna share this for a second and then I'm gonna go back on to this authority thing.
Speaker 1:Growing up, feeling abandoned, rejected, right From both of my parents, I felt that way and as I was growing up, I always like kind of shied away from the parenting topic, didn't want to be a mom. I told y'all before I'm transparent Never wanted to be a mom, never wanted to be a mom because I thought I was going to harm my children the way I thought that I was being harmed as a child. So I never wanted to do that. So, but once I became a mom, I took it pretty serious, like I wasn't going to parent the way I was parenting and I wasn't going to produce hurt intentionally to my children, right. So but I think the amazing thing about God is that I didn't have what I, what I needed or I felt that I needed growing up, but he has a way of just surrounding us with people who can step in as that role. Because not only do I have my mother and my father my biological mother and father again, who I have a great relationship with now but God had placed me with bonus parents. And most of you know and the world may know, they're the walkers who, at 21, stepped in my life and literally I was married and had a kid at 21, y'all, and I still needed some parenting. So they kind of swooped in and stepped in and really kind of parent me throughout the years. So where I had a lack, I now had an abundance. So not only did I have, you know, the walkers as my bonus parents, but then I got into, went to a church, christian growth ministry, and then I now have Bishop Lane and Pastor Lane as my parents.
Speaker 1:Now a person I'm telling you this is somebody asked on Bible study the other night like how do you be accepted in a family when your whole family rejects you? I am that person. So because my heart was so hardened about families like I had really didn't want nothing to do with parenting, so but I thought that was like pretty important to mention that where I had a lack of parenting, right, god has really given me an abundance of parenting and I'm loving it. I have like three sets of parents and I still honor, respect my biological parents. I love them tremendously. I love my bonus parents and I still honor, respect my biological parents. I love them tremendously. I love my bonus parents and, um, my bishop and my pastor.
Speaker 1:But I've said all that to say is that sometimes, like when we don't have something, we start looking in the wrong places for stuff. Right, we start looking at particularly that's how you get in these bad relationships, um, as parents, as moms, as dads, um, because if we didn't heal the inner child in us, we seek a father in a man, right, and that father may be, because they say they love us and we were looking for love from a father. We start to accept behaviors that are not loving, behaviors like abuse, drug use, verbal, physical, mental, emotional abuse. That is not love. But because the lack of fathering that we receive. This is why fathers are so important. You guys bring the stability emotionally with us, so that we know, you know who, like our value, you know just knowing our value, and it's a father that kind of establishes that listen, telling your girls that, oh, you're beautiful, you know. And if you're a dad that exemplifies what a true father is, which is loving, supporting, caring, providing, your daughter will look at that and says I want to marry someone like that and anybody else come. That's different. They're not gonna have no parts of. But because the lack of that's how we find a lot of females get into these crazy relationships. Because we're searching for a father, we're searching for a man to fill that spot when there's no man that's going to fill the spot of a father period Not going to be able to fill it. So we get into these relationships and then we carry it and we transfer it down to our children and then it becomes a cycle after cycle after cycle. So that's what we really need to stop and that's why I want you guys to know, like the importance of a father. So even moms, single moms, you have these kids, like you got to find a father figure for them, like it is a must. I'm dealing with situations now because I was not able to find a father figure for my son particularly, like I'm dealing with stuff now of trying to make sure that he's emotionally okay even though his dad is in his life.
Speaker 1:But again, we talk about being active. I remember growing up being abandoned and rejected. So it's one thing about when you don't see your parents, right, you will see your parents. So you can make up all these stories about why they're not here, right, either you know, oh they busy working or they out there traveling whatever they want. You could make up in your head about something, that of an absent parent. But when you got a parent that's in your face and just not active, you can't make up no excuse for that, you can't make up no story for that. That's even more devastating because I used to make up some stories about my parents. Oh, I used to say they was overseas. I said my dad was traveling, like it was some crazy stuff. I was making up some stories about where my dad was and what he did and stuff. I think at one point I said he was in the services, he was in the armed forces, y'all. My dad ain't never been in the armed forces, but I think at one point growing up I told them that. But again, you can make up stories about an absent father, but you can't make up stories about a father that's here and just not active.
Speaker 1:So again, moms, mothers, please make sure that we have male, safe, secure, male figures in our children's life. If it's not the daddy, somebody that. But I encourage you to be the daddy though. So I want to backtrack that because I don't want to gloss over that. I encourage you to work out a co-parenting situation where the father can really father their children, no matter where they are or what's going on, and that we don't hinder that. Mothers Don't hinder that, because sometimes mothers get so angry with the dad and then they see the child and they see the dad and they don't want the child to have nothing to do with the dad because the child looks like the dad. It's a whole lot of mess, right, but I want mothers to encourage relationships, encourage healing. Even if you yourself are hurt from that past relationship, I encourage you to get healed because you don't want to be a hinder to the relationship of your child and their father, and this is coming from a mother. You don't want to be a hinder to that relationship because if that child is going to have to deal with some emotional disturbances as they grow, if we hinder that relationship A lot of times mothers hinder their relationship.
Speaker 1:One, because they're mad at the dad. Two, because of financial thing, you ain't paying for the child. Why should you see the child? I see that a lot Child support becomes a major issue of finances so you don't let the dad see the child or you talk nasty about the dad, like, again, emotional instability. That child will have emotional disturbances because the lack thereof. So, whatever it is, whether it be financially, anger, whatever you have against the father, you need to clear that up, moms, for the sake of your children. Listen, it ain't even about you, no more. It's about your child. So, making sure that you are encouraging a restored, renewed, refreshed relationship of your children with their fathers, because I just told you that children do well when their fathers are involved.
Speaker 1:I know this is not like a perfect world where all fathers are in the household. Listen, some things. Just, we wasn't even never supposed to get together. I'm telling you you know what I mean. Like some situations happen. However, what do we do now? How do we deal with it? We ain't together, but we got this kid. This kid needs you.
Speaker 1:So I'm so serious about that because we see it time and time again and when I talk to dads, this is what they're telling me, the mother won't let them see their kids because they didn't pay child support, or they so angry that the dad got a girlfriend or they. So it's so many, so many anger issues that we as mothers need to heal so that our children can have the best of both worlds to heal, so that our children can have the best of both worlds the father and the mother right. So, man, that just really hit me Like don't hinder that relationship. Now, if that relationship is physically, emotionally harmful for your child, again that's when therapy is needed. We don't just throw people away because they have an emotional disturbance that's now hurting my child. No, we get therapy so that they can heal and that they can father our children best. The same thing with us is if we got some issues, get some help so that we can father our, so we can mother our children the best of our ability.
Speaker 1:You know, I think it's so important for us as parents to like take that responsibility and really, really own it. We, our children, didn't ask to be in this world, like we did the activity and now they're here, and then we get mad at them because they're here. Well, they didn't ask to be here, okay. So, with. That being said, take responsibility and do what we need to do for our children period. I don't care who you like, who you don't like, who you did like all that other stuff. It don't even matter that stuff is erased like I really don't have anything to do with that over there. My, my goal, my job, is to make sure that my kid is emotionally stable period. So I encourage you moms to really really think about consider your child in this matter.
Speaker 1:Um, and another thing. Um, a lot of kids talk about their dads is like their dads are trustworthy. Like men, they remain trustworthy. Uh, fathers have the responsibility of maintaining and being a reliable figure. Again, I told y'all like I had some daddy issues I did. I remember a particular thing and again, this is no slice to my dad. We talk about this and I kind of joke about it a little bit now. But I just remember growing up like he brought all my siblings' bikes and then it was time for me to get a bike. He was like I'll bring your bike back. I ain't see him in a year later. I ain't never get my bike. So the joke around the family now is can I get a bike? But I brought my own bike. I'm a grown woman now. I'm a grown woman but I still be like, can I get a bike? But for years I said it seriously and painfully and I was hurt about it. Now I kind of joke about it because I brought several bikes since then. Um, but being reliable and trustworthy, like say what you say, be where you're going to be, be where you say you're going to be, do what you say you're going to do, fathers really have.
Speaker 1:If a father disappoints a child, it is significantly different than a mother disappointing a child. Don't ask me why it just happens. That's just the importance of a father. Like, um, a mom cannot show up for their kid, all right, and I think because 90 percent of the times the mom shows up, through hell and high water, we there. But when a dad doesn't show up, or a dad that kind of puts a seed in a child, kind of not to understand that not everybody's the same and you may think that all male figures don't show up in your life, all male figures are not reliable. So then you start seeing these type of behaviors and you start accepting these behaviors from your significant other, who don't have to be reliable, who don't have to show up these type of behaviors and you start accepting these behaviors from your significant other, who don't have to be reliable, who don't have to show up because this is the behavior. This is something that you experience and you may think it's normal. That's not normal. So men are to be fathers, are to remain reliable, because our children look at that like the one person I know gonna be there is my dad period. That's just something different about dads. I'm telling you, and I'm a mom experiencing this and I'm a daughter, so I know there's something different about dads. Even with my bonus parents, it's crazy because I'm telling you, I'm a daddy's girl at heart. All three sets of my parents, my abundance of parents, I'm a daddy's girl all the way. I love my moms, all three of them, I love them. But it's something about my dads, man, I don't know. It's just I'm a daddy's girl and all three of them, just they just they just do something for me, the dad portion of it. So we know that, based on our own experience in our life, we know the importance of a dad. So we really should allow dads to show up for our kids' life, right? So yeah, man, that's just that really kind of got to me a little bit. Y'all Talking about the importance of that father's being in the house.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes, as moms, we take on this superhero cap and we think that it's a flex to be a single mom. It is not a flex to be a single mom. I don't know who told y'all. They told y'all wrong. Um, I think, because we do so much and, like we said, we're gonna do any and everything for our kids, we take on this superhero cape, cape and we start thinking that we could do everything and we should do everything. And that's the whole thing about mom saying happy father's day to mother's craziness. Um, but we, we, we just I don't know we just show up differently and we think that it's a flex. I don't think it's a flex to be a single mom. I've been doing it for 14 years. Get somebody else to do it. This is not this ain't. This ain't what you want, y'all. So, stop flexing and being a single mom and, you know, do what we need to do as parents, as moms, and to, um, cultivate good relationships, cultivate good relationships, good positive relationships, y'all. That's really important and I think that's's what's going to change the trajectory of this world.
Speaker 1:We have a lot of children who have the absence of a father and we acting like it's not a big deal, we acting like it's okay that they don't have no father in their life. We acting like it's a flex, that, oh, I'm a single mom, I'm holding it down, I'm doing everything. It's not a flex, that, oh, I'm a single mom, I'm holding it down, I'm doing everything. It's not a flex, although you are holding it down and you're doing everything, but it's not a flex. And I think if we keep promoting that, or keep selling that, we're going to have more. We're going to have less fathers in the home, less fathers active with our children, because we want't put on this flex, this superhero cap I got this, you ain't got to be here for so-and-so yeah, they do. I want you to be here for them. I need you to be here for them. So it ain't about me, it ain't no flex.
Speaker 1:So if you're a mom out there, you're a single mom out there. And if you think that single parenting is a flex, no, baby, it's not. So I'm encouraging you to seek some help to get that perspective, that mind shift, that shift to change, because if you're sowing that, if you're living that, that means you're sowing that into your children and we don't need that generational, that transformation from your transition, transformation from transform from your, your thoughts, transform those thoughts to your children, because then we're going to start having these generational things right. The, these generational things that are not positive is things that we want to pass on to our children. But we don't we. We don't want to pass on a negativity, we don't want to pass on the deficiencies right, we want to pass on the negativity. We don't want to pass on the deficiencies right, we want to pass on the abundance, the things that are worth passing on. So if you're it don't matter what age you are like, don't promote this single mom thing. It's not a flex, although we do a great job at it. It's hard, but it's not a flex.
Speaker 1:We need our fathers. I'm telling you now that, 44, I still need my dad when my dad ain't. When my dad said he couldn't come tonight, yo, I was disappointed because I still need my dad at 44. So imagine your. You know children under that. They need their dad. You know a friend of mine. She has a child care center and I told you I can't today. That ain't my, that ain't my anointing, that is not.
Speaker 1:But today she had um celebrating fathers and I thought that was so cool, um, because she, every father and I was on the phone with her, because that's my prayer partner too and every father that came in she just celebrated them so loudly. They had donuts with dad today and what I thought was interesting that she was providing a donuts for dads to say we appreciate you. But the kids wanted the donuts too. They wanted to sit and have donuts with their dad. I thought that was so amazing because at one thought it's like all right, we're going to celebrate these dads, we're going to give them donuts, we're going to say, yeah, we appreciate you, right. But then to another level, the kid said that's my dad, I want to celebrate with my dad for being my dad Sitting there having donuts with the dad.
Speaker 1:I thought that was just I was like I didn't even get a chance to share that with her what I received from being on the phone with her when the dads were coming in and what the kids were saying, and that's just like confirmation of this topic of how important dads are, how important it is for dads to show up. When I hear the dads bringing a child to the child care center. And now she has, you know, from birth to. She has preschool next to kindergarten and I hear the dads coming in when their kids signing their kids in, or if I'm at the child care center and I see the dad show up and how excited the kids are, excited about the moms. Now I'm I'm I'm not saying that, but it's just a different excitement about them, dads. It's something different about them, dads, as you know, you experienced it. It's something different about my dads. All of them Shout out to my dad, shout out to my dad, curtis Motley, shout out to my dad, delangelo Walker, and shout out to my dad, delandre Walker, and shout out to my dad, billy Lane. I told you, god has blessed me with abundance of fathers in my life and everybody is active in my life. So I think that's awesome. But tonight I just want to leave with y'all. I hope that y'all got something from there, particularly like dads.
Speaker 1:Your role is so important to show up and to be active in a child's life. There's no replacing you, period. Moms, your role is important and one of our important roles is to make sure that our children have fathers in their life right? Let's put that at the top of your list, right? Not just any father, but a father that's going to pour into them. Allow them to go, give them that security, that emotional stability, so that they can grow, so they can plant some seeds and they can take root and they can produce fruit.
Speaker 1:Period as parents, we want to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. And how do we do that? Cultivating relationships. Our children will see that they too, when they, when they go out in the world, they're going to want to have good, positive relationships. They're not going to accept any everybody. Our boys not going to accept anybody to be their girl or their wife, whatever they're not going to accept, you know, all the craziness and stuff because they're not going to get to experience that from their mama. My mama didn't act like that. You know. The girl's not going to accept anything from any man. That ain't how my daddy treat me. Oh no, my dad know him. I'm a queen, I don't play them games. So establishing that in the house and as a child grows really will help produce amazing relationships as they get older, so that we don't have to have our children at 44 sit in the therapy office, talking about the lack thereof, right? So we want to prevent some of that. You know we talk about these medical and health disparities. Well, if we take care of ourself, if we get our emotional state together and we raise our children right, we don't have to worry about health disparities because we don't have to be sitting in nobody's office, because we're taking care of ourself. We're doing physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, educationally and relationally. We're doing the work. So I encourage you guys tonight. Hope you got something out of it.
Speaker 1:It was a healing session for me. Y'all. I was a little transparent, but you know, again I want to talk about uncomfortable conversation. I couldn't sit here before you tonight and not express the true disappointment and pain that I feel because that life, be life Like this, is what it is. I can't cover it up, but at the same time I'm still loving, I'm still forgiving is I can't cover it up, but at the same time I'm still loving, I'm still forgiving, but I do hurt. So if we stop hiding, covering up some stuff and really get to the root of it, we can uproot some of those things, plant some new seeds and produce some great food in this world. Again, I'm Donna Janelle, you have been listening watching Parented with a Purpose where I strive to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. You guys have a great night.
