.jpg)
Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Harvesting Harmony Balancing Self-Care with Childrearing
When my 18-year-old stood at the crossroads of adulthood, uncertain whether to enlist in the Marines, it was a stark reminder of the delicate dance of parenting. Through my own confrontation with health challenges, including three strokes, I've learned the hard way that nurturing our children and ourselves is akin to tending a garden, requiring patience and time for the seeds of well-being to flourish. Join me, Donna Janel, as I share these intimate stories and more, offering insights into the art of guiding our children and ourselves toward a life resonant with wellness.
This heart-to-heart extends as I sit down with Dr. Kim Rogers, whose expertise in lifestyle medicine brings a new dimension to the conversation about health beyond the clinical numbers. Dr. Rogers, from Restore MD Medical and Wellness, shares a holistic approach that blends the emotional, spiritual, and social aspects of our lives, advocating for a comprehensive wellness that transcends cultural expectations. Together, we navigate the importance of lifestyle assessments, challenging the norms of continuous productivity, and how rest, sleep, stress levels, and social connections play pivotal roles in our overall health.
Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and this episode serves as a reminder of the vitality of self-care and mental well-being in the relentless pursuit of raising children. We tackle the notion of parental self-sacrifice, exploring how prioritizing our own health is integral to the legacy we build for our families. Embrace this journey with us as we seek to balance self-care with the rigors of parenting, and learn to cultivate a life where wellness is not an afterthought, but a cornerstone of our daily existence.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Thank you. Hi everybody, my name is Donna, also known as Donna Janelle, ceo and founder of Parenting with a Purpose. Our strive here at the podcast is to reach every home, whether single moms, married single dads, whatever it is, foster parents, just bringing the ownership and responsibility and nobility back into parenting. Get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations. All parents need some help and guidance and I'm just here to be a guide. Yep, hold the mic, they good. Hey, everybody, welcome back to Parenting with a Purpose. I am your host, donna janelle.
Speaker 1:You know my goal, my aim, what I want to do for y'all is bring up the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. As you know, parents are bowls and our children are arrows. They will land wherever we end up now, now. Now I tell you, I put this disclaimer out. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but eventually they will land wherever we aim them. I mean, parenting is not for the weak. I keep telling you it's a hard-knock life out here for parents and it's very challenging. But you know, I always think that whenever we put a seed in something, it doesn't produce fruit right away. Right, the seed has to go on the ground, it has to be broken, it has to be cultivated, and then it has to be cultivated and then it will bring forth fruit. So that's the same thing with our kids, right? We sow seeds in our lives and eventually that seed has to be broken and they have to live life, because life be lifin' out here and they have to live their own life, with their own challenges and things like that, and then other things that we put in them, the seeds that we put in them, they will produce much fruit eventually.
Speaker 1:I'm always going to say eventually, because, as you guys know, I have four kids and I'm dealing with two. They're about to be 16. One is about to be 18. Monday and Tuesday 16 to 18. Just bear with me. We probably should take a moment of silence for that, because I'm dealing with the teenagers, right? So you know, I always come in here with a story every week about what the one that test my inner gangster this time it wasn't the one that's testing my inner gangster all the time, y'all, it was not her it is the one that's going to be 18 on Tuesday.
Speaker 1:You know, 18 is such a number where you're trying to figure out. You're graduating from high school, you're going ahead and go do other things and you kind of get scared, you kind of get nervous. You know she's geared up to go into marines, um, but she kind of getting a little cold feet, right, she's like, oh, I don't think I could do this, I'm not sure I could do this, maybe I'll take a year off. And you know, mama bear, once you said take a year off, my eyes got big and I was like ain't, no way you're going to get out of my house if you think you're going to take a year off, right? So this has literally been the heated conversation for the last week with me and my 18 year old, and it has been like it humbled me, it was teaching me some things, cause I'm like, you know, I'm all for education, I'm all for going better yourself, you know, cause that's just what I do.
Speaker 1:And, um, as a mom, though, you got to kind of figure out what, what, how you can best help your child at that time, right, because life is in seasons, right. So, you know, for a long time she's already enlisted, she's in a pre-program, it's just that, um, at first I was really upset. I'm not going to lie y'all. I was so mad. I was like what do you mean you're taking a year off? People don't take a year off because they don't go back for a long time. Um, and then she was just trying to tell me some things and I wasn't listening to her. I wasn't listening to her because I had this idea of what she's supposed to be doing stick to the plan.
Speaker 1:Well, after days and days and days and she's we're having this conversation and finally I actually listened to her and listening to her, it was more of kind of like nervousness and fear. You know, fear of the unknown, not sure. You know, you're a girl, you're going into the mar, you're just not sure what's going to happen. And as a mom, I had to like coach her because I know what's in her. I've seen her overcome so many different challenges in life. You know this is the one who both parents are deceased, right. So I've been raising her for 10 years and I see so much in her and I understand of her fear. So, like a mama did, I gave her a hug, we broke down crying and then she realized like I can really do this, because sometimes we got to remind our kids of the things that they've been through already, to let them know that they can overcome and go to the next step. Like you're a conqueror, you've been through so much right.
Speaker 2:But at first I'm not going to lie.
Speaker 1:I was going off. Y'all, I was not, you know. I told y'all I have adult temper tantrum. Walking around the house, start screaming like, oh I can't believe this is going on, but took a deep breath and actually had a conversation. So it was just that one that was challenging this week. So today I just had to share that little story with y'all. But today we're going to talk about something very important.
Speaker 1:You know, health and wellness is dear to my heart. You know, as you know, before I had experienced three strokes in my life, and all in the same day, and was in rehab, paralyzed in my left side and really out of just taking care of everybody else and not taking care of myself. I ended up in that position because I wasn't taking care of myself. I thought I had to be the superhero of everybody else's life and just never was my own superhero.
Speaker 1:So health and wellness has really been deep in my heart because a lot of parents that's what we do is particularly moms like we're out there doing, doing, doing. So tonight, guests, we have Dr Kim Rogers Thank you for coming to the show and we're going to get into it, because a lot of times we talk about health but we kind of really don't talk about wellness. It's like you need to be healthy, you need to be healthy, you need to be healthy and we don't really talk about wellness. So I'm excited about the conversation tonight just to hear what we have to say, because I think sometimes again like I said, we as parents, we don't really kind of think about ourselves. We think about everyone else.
Speaker 2:I see too much of that and the consequences of that as a doctor. So you know that's kind of what I want to get into today too.
Speaker 1:All right, well, dr Rogers, tell us a little about yourself.
Speaker 2:So my name is Dr Kim Rogers. I don't know if I'm supposed to be here.
Speaker 1:You're going to get me because it's going to pick you up, so it's okay.
Speaker 2:So I'm Dr Kim.
Speaker 1:Rogers.
Speaker 2:I am an internal medicine physician and I practice primary care. I'm also board certified in lifestyle medicine and obesity medicine. So.
Speaker 3:I have a private practice a solo practice in Wilmington.
Speaker 2:Delaware called Restore MD Medical and Wellness and in that I practice you know it's primary care, but it also focuses on lifestyle modifications and it specializes in medical weight loss as well, so all of my patients you know, get the benefit of that kind of holistic approach. Right, and I see you know that's where I kind of have a lot of these conversations about wellness, because part of the reason why my practice.
Speaker 1:I wanted to be medical and wellness, is that a lot of times we're focusing on these numbers.
Speaker 3:These like health numbers or blood work but you know you can be healthy technically, but are you well? Right you know.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, that's a little bit about me right?
Speaker 1:okay, that's, that's good. I you know, for so long all you see, a lot have been just says health, health, health, good health, good health. Can you break down health and wellness for us, kind of?
Speaker 2:yeah, I mean it's obviously there's a lot of overlap, but for me me when I, when somebody talks about health, so let's say OK, you go to the doctor, your blood pressure is normal, you go and you get your labs and your labs are fine.
Speaker 1:Are you healthy?
Speaker 2:OK, maybe, maybe on paper you look healthy, healthy, but when it comes to wellness, I think about that more in a broader sense of how are you feeling, how are you like mind and body and spiritually it's really kind of that whole body like whole person approach and I think that that is the place that I think we don't focus on enough because we live in this society where like everything is go, go, go, and we're too, busy to focus on ourselves or like to have that introspection on like, how you're feeling, like checking in on like how, how you're doing, and especially as parents, right Like I have a three-year-old- and a six-year-old, so I'm in a little bit of a different stage than you are, but, you know, still in the thick of it right
Speaker 2:you spend so much time trying to like, like you said, aim, aim in the right way and do all the things for them and then for your whole family, um, that you're not spending a lot of time like checking in on yourself and so that's where like for me the wellness part of it comes in right I like that, that checking on yourself.
Speaker 1:Like you know, growing up I've never even heard somebody say checking on yourself and I've never even seen people quote unquote checking on themselves. I just seen them do, do, do you know you gotta work? You know you gotta work, work, work.
Speaker 2:You don't work, you don't eat I think a lot of that is cultural too because you know there's, there is a wellness movement that's happening, but you tend? To see like a certain demographic of people in the wellness space and I think that you know part of what I always try to promote is like the average person should be focusing on wellness too.
Speaker 2:It's not just you know going on yoga retreats and go to the spa like that, that's one aspect of wellness or like you know, taking a bunch of supplements, but wellness can be just as simple as day-to-day doing something that gives you joy, something that relieves your stress, something that, like, boosts you, you know, emotionally and spiritually and then also physically, because there's so many different aspects of health and too many times we just focus on like one of those things, but there's so many.
Speaker 1:Right. I think a lot of times we see diet and exercise get pushed in our face a lot which you know. You have to have a good diet and you have to exercise because it's good for your brain too and your body, but a lot of times I don't, we don't hear um like, how are you, as a person, doing that's?
Speaker 2:exactly right. I think sometimes it's like you go in, you know you see the doctor and they ask you the checkbox questions. Like you know, are you eating? Ok? I mean that's even if they ask you that, because that's not always something that people get you know, like are you eating right? Are you exercising? Ok? Yeah, but that's part of what I learned in lifestyle medicine. So that's kind of like a different approach, where we are focusing on lifestyle modifications as part of the health care experience.
Speaker 2:So you know a lot of times people will complain, like when they go to the doctor, the doctor isn't necessarily asking them questions about like who they are as a person and a lot of that kind of lifestyle assessment is you? Get so much information about people, so you know what I have learned to do, especially on the first visit with a lot of my patients. I go down that whole like lifestyle assessment, so it's, it's yeah, so of, course we talk about nutrition
Speaker 3:you know how but, not just.
Speaker 1:Are you eating healthy?
Speaker 2:Because what does that?
Speaker 1:even mean Right, I was going to say, because Like what does that even mean?
Speaker 2:Healthy. A lot of people think they're eating healthy, but when you kind of break it down it's not so great. And then it's like, okay, are you exercising? But then what does that mean?
Speaker 3:Right, because exercise can mean a lot of different things, you know.
Speaker 2:somebody can have a physical job, that's exercise. Or somebody can be on their feet all day, but that's not necessarily exercise. And then you know, I also get into things like how's your sleep?
Speaker 1:You know, how's your stress level?
Speaker 2:Like what are your social connections? Like you learn a lot about people by asking questions about you know who do you live with. Like what's your family life? Like what are the sources of stress to you? I love that question because that's when you really get to know what, what is in the mind of that person like what is? Causing a lot of times people don't come out the gate saying I'm feeling stressed or I'm feeling anxious or I'm feeling whatever.
Speaker 2:But if you ask them, right, yeah and you'll you'll get the real story, and so I think that that's always one of the things that I think we should be focusing on more is just like what, like checking in, like what is your, what is your state?
Speaker 2:because a lot of times, you know I, I can see people like just physically tense tight, just like just ramped up and a lot of times people don't even realize it, but they're coming in talking about oh, I got muscle pain, I got pain in my neck. You know I can't sleep and it's just at the end of the day. When you ask those questions, it's like that person is under so much stress, right. Whatever reason, it's work. It's you those questions.
Speaker 2:It's like that person is under so much stress, right for whatever reason, it's work, it's, you know, kids it's whatever, and they sometimes when you point that out that's when people are like you know what? That's probably true but people don't always make that connection between how they're feeling physically and like how they're feeling mentally. But it's really important to kind of like see.
Speaker 2:And I was saying this as somebody who sometimes I don't even recognize when I'm stressed, like I know that I'm stressed when I start getting headaches in the back of my head because my neck muscles get really tight.
Speaker 3:Right yeah.
Speaker 2:Or like I feel like if I'm like clenching my jaw, so you know, I hold stress like in these areas, and then I have to check in and be like okay, like why am I stressed? Yeah so, um, and then like, what am I going to do about it? Because that's the other thing too, you know, you can recognize that you're stressed. But what? What are you going to do about it?
Speaker 3:and I think that's always the crux of it too.
Speaker 2:When you're in this situation where you're busy, you're taking care of everybody else every day, like the stresses of life. I always think of it like a pressure cooker. The pressure is building, building, building. But like when are you releasing the steam? And like right.
Speaker 3:How often are you doing?
Speaker 2:that yeah you know what I mean, because some people they'll, they'll, focus once a week okay, when I go to church on Sunday. That's my stress relief, or if I get my like weekly, you know pedicure, that's my stress relief but like what about the rest of?
Speaker 1:the week, right, it's like it's something daily you have to do, because I think you know we should feel good every day, like even though life be life and things happen, but we shouldn't constantly be under so much pressure and stress and I think we become accustomed to that because this is just the life that we live. You know we're comfortable with being uncomfortable. You know, in the wrong way, you know, not uncomfortable to get us to the next level, but uncomfortable but it's still keeping us down.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I think that there's such a culture, especially like in America.
Speaker 1:So I'm not.
Speaker 3:American, I'm from the.
Speaker 2:Caribbean. I'm from Anguilla, but I always remember moving here and just, there's a different mentality.
Speaker 3:I think that in some cultures.
Speaker 2:You know, in the Caribbean it's not like people are lazy, but I think people also prioritize that work like balance.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like you know, want to enjoy life. And then you come to the States and it's like hustle, hustle, hustle.
Speaker 1:It's like you know the hustle mentality which you know.
Speaker 2:There's a reason why that could be a good thing, but, on the other hand, I don't think that we as human beings are meant to be under like constant stress and grind of life, and I think that the type of culture that we have here is so. I mean people are under like more stress than ever before and I think I would say even in the last since COVID especially.
Speaker 1:Oh man yeah.
Speaker 2:Everything kind of escalated and a lot of so many patients, I will see as like new patients and when you start to figure out when did a lot of things start to derail?
Speaker 2:health-wise a lot of people can put it back to 2020 like right things started to change and the world just kind of went haywire, but there were probably things happening before that that then the pandemic kind of like highlighted. But you can really kind of see this shift where, like the wellness shift needs to, we just need to go back Like we need to prioritize. I saw something that said like let's normalize taking a break.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm glad you said that. Was listening to um pastor Cheryl Brady this morning on my way to school and what she said was like we're not meant to bear fruit every day. And I said, wait, what she was? Like we think that we got to go, go, go, produce, produce, produce, produce and we're supposed to bear. We're not, we're supposed to rest. And that's the mindset a lot of us have, especially if you know, if you've grown up when you didn't have right and you and so you have this mind.
Speaker 1:I've had this mentality. It's better now, but where I feel like if I don't keep moving, producing, I'm going to drop the bomb and then it's going to be bad for me and my family. Like I remember growing up having to sleep in the train stations, in the park, so even as a teenager. So when I became an adult, fully grown adult, married, still was able to hold a job, by then I became a nurse, had a house and a car, everything, but my mindset kept going back to if this doesn't pan out. I was looking for places for me and my kids to sleep in the woods, just because I still had that that thing. Like I can't, I can't go back, I can't go back. So I was like working, doing like multiple, and a lot of us carry multiple jobs because we're just afraid to not be, to be without, and then but in turn it's like that that's killing us yeah and I mean realistically speaking.
Speaker 2:You know, we know that like it's just rough out there in general, like most, some people have to do multiple jobs just out of necessity because it's just so hard for like the day-to-day things and a lot of people I would say job related stress is always up there and I always say like if I could write you a prescription and quit your job.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't have to write you a prescription for all the recipes like your blood pressure, right? You know, I've had people that will come back months later and be like well, you know what? I quit my job, I got another one and my anxiety is gone. Wow, and so a lot of times it's like well you know you can go to the doctor and get all these things, that's masking, you know, treating the symptoms. But what is the root cause of the symptoms?
Speaker 2:and I see it way too many times when it's just life the stresses of life or whatever, are causing people to have the high blood pressure, have the high blood sugar, get the weight gain, you have issues with sleep, and then we just kind of feel like that's the way that it is and that we can't do anything about it. But you know, I'm not a therapist or a life coach or whatever, but I feel like I kind of have to become that in some ways. So like I kind of try to challenge people like well, is there something? That you can change either about yourself or your environment, because something has to give at some point, and sometimes you know I don't want it to be.
Speaker 2:You ended up in the er right, because you know I have situations like that, where I'll have patients that you know get lost to follow up. I haven't seen them. I'm like something's going on. They're stressed, blah, blah, blah, and then they end up in the hospital because the the tipping point happened. You know, the blood, the blood sugar is sky high or whatever.
Speaker 2:And then after that, that's when the priority shift happens, right and that's when they, you know, make some tough decisions, but then they come out on the other side um more well right yeah, so like my.
Speaker 2:My thing is always like let's not wait for it to get that point yeah, because you don't always come up on the other side right okay, you know like if you have a stroke you might not recover from that right like if you have a heart attack. You may not bounce back from that. So let's not wait until that happens. Like let's listen to our bodies and listen to our minds and our spirits.
Speaker 2:That like you know, you know when stuff isn't right, and so what is it in the environment that is that needs to change? Is it? Is it your? Mindset that needs to change a lot of times.
Speaker 3:We kind of put it on ourselves too right, it's like I just shouldn't let myself get stressed about this.
Speaker 2:I shouldn't let it bother me. Um, I see that a lot of times with with patients.
Speaker 3:It's like I shouldn't be so like. Why am I see that?
Speaker 2:a lot of times with with patients.
Speaker 3:It's like I shouldn't be so, like why am I so tired? Like can you help me with? This fatigue and, and you know, something's wrong with me because I just don't have enough energy and I'm like.
Speaker 2:Well, how many hours of sleep are you getting? Yeah you know four like what are you? Like you don't have energy because you're tired, right, you're just tired. Like nothing medically wrong with you, you're just tired, go to bed, but people blame themselves for being tired wow, yeah, yeah, yeah we cannot. We cannot blame our bodies and our minds for what is happening to us externally. That is not supposed to be happening, it's not normal.
Speaker 2:It's not natural like we shouldn't. Like. I know, resilience is like a really big like buzzword and yeah, resilience is like super important but at some point it's like you can only be resilient for so long before you you know, you could be a dam for so long, but it's gonna break at some point if you just have water just constantly pummeling you. Yeah, nobody is superhuman, and I think that we we feel like we have to be superhuman or we're not doing a good job at life.
Speaker 1:That right there, that part right there, is crazy. It is, you know, wow, like we. Yeah, I just felt that, yeah, like you feel, like I always like relate that to the fact because I used to think that it was like you're not the sacrifice, like we're not, like I think you know, a lot of times we sacrifice ourselves for everyone else, right, and when it comes to us, it's like we. As if you know what a doctor said to me when I had the strokes and I was so stressed, right, you know, I was going to school, taking care of kids and working, and he said to me he said you think that everyone else is more important than you. I said wait a minute, you don't know me like that, right.
Speaker 1:And he said it's almost as if you don't think you're worthy enough to take care of yourself, like everyone else around you is more worried than you, so you're putting you're the sacrifice to help these people, but within your own life you can't help yourself. Like that's a problem. And I was like wait, what you mean? And I had to really cause when you somebody tell you that you're like well, you know, especially for me, being a Christian, being a woman of God, for me it's like I'm, I'm, I'm serving, I'm helping, I'm serving, I'm helping. Right, but at some point you can't serve from an empty cup. That's exactly right. Like we think that we're serving everyone else effectively, but we're really not, because we're not effectively serving ourselves.
Speaker 2:Yep, it's that guilt. I see that guilt so often with with parents or even people that are caretakers for somebody else, whether it's you know you're taking care of your kids or you're taking care of like sick parents or whatever like people get this sense of guilt when they're trying to carve out time for themselves yeah and it's just like why are you feeling guilty like you, like you have to, even if you're gonna just shift that mindset to be like I'm doing this so I can be better for them, but I'm like you don't.
Speaker 2:You shouldn't have to shift your mindset to that. Just do it because you deserve that right for yourself, not because so you can be a better parent, even though, okay, cool, yeah, you'll be a better parent, but like what?
Speaker 1:are you doing for you?
Speaker 3:what are you doing for you?
Speaker 2:there's nothing selfish about self-care. I don't, I I just I reject that right. I, you know, as somebody who is a parent like even before I had kids, that was always one of my struggles is because I'm like you know. I just don't want to get lost and overwhelmed in being a parent and like not being able to like do for me, right yeah? And and you have to be very intentional about it- like, if you just allow life to happen.
Speaker 2:You're gonna get you, you know you're gonna get lost in all the this and that, like trying to be the best mom trying to be, you know, make sure the kids are on all these curriculars and this and that right and like, at the end of the day, like what are you like? What are you doing for yourself? Like me? I'm somebody that I need time for myself to recharge. I know myself I'm an introverted person. Every body might be different some people may not need time to themselves.
Speaker 2:Some people need more time to socialize with their friends or, like you know, do other things, but I, my challenge is always, like in every day, like we should be able to carve out at least a few minutes to do something just for you and like I don't, like we always, oh, we don't have time in a day there's only 24 hours in a day.
Speaker 2:I know that right we got that, but it's kind of like where you're putting your time right you can to some degree shift that, because what I see happen a lot is we as parents or whatever we'll say after I finish blah, blah, blah, blah blah then I'll focus on me Right. And then that never happens, right Because?
Speaker 1:we're so tired from doing all this. We're so tired and something else always pops up.
Speaker 2:Right, you're too tired and something else always pops up Right. And so something that I always like, for example, exercise. A lot of people, you know, we always kind of put exercise like when I have time, I'm going to do this, or I'm going to block off an hour and like that's my exercise time, and then things happen, and then exercise gets put off, and so my whole thing is like you have to pencil in exercise or even pencil in.
Speaker 2:This is me time just the same way how you pencil in I gotta do this for the kids right, you know like that should be as equal a priority. Like I am gonna block this time off to do nothing right, yeah yeah, or to like read a book, or to you know, go for my relaxing walk, but that has to be a priority, or else we're just going to keep pushing on the back burner, pushing on the back burner, and then the pressure cooker just keeps rising and rising until we explode.
Speaker 1:I think, as parents, we feel like we have to. There's not enough time to put all this stuff in our kids, right, we're supposed to be available for them all the time and I think that I don't know where it came. Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say who, who, who, where did it come from? Like, because it's like like they're like, they're it like, once you have a child, it's no more about you. And I've heard that you know, once you have a kid, it's not about you, no more. Well, actually it has to be about us, because we won't be able to properly, effectively, efficiently parent if we don't take care of ourselves. So I like how you said just take the time out. Like you really have to be intentional with it. And it's crazy because I think about we're so intentional with the things that we really want right, exactly.
Speaker 2:So it's like why don't we want that? It's because we don't consider it a priority and like why don't we consider it a priority? Because society tells us that you know, we should be putting ourselves on the back burner. We should be sacrificing ourselves, and it's almost like this like ideal. You know that we aim for that. You become so selfless that is all about like your kids or your spouse or you know other people and, and that's great, but at what cost?
Speaker 1:at what cost that yeah?
Speaker 2:so I I have way too many like mom guilt parents that their kids are all up to date with their dental exams and pediatrician appointments.
Speaker 3:This person is years behind in mammogram.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying? Like just wow yeah, you're doing for your like. You're not even prioritizing your like health maintenance because you're making sure your kids stuff is up to date.
Speaker 3:Their stuff is important. Why is it?
Speaker 2:more important than yours, wow, right yeah, because then if you skip your mammograms and you god forbid have breast cancer and now you know I'm saying you're in a advanced stage then everybody's up, everybody's really in trouble so if you're just looking at it, like I need to be healthy so that I can be a great parent.
Speaker 2:It like that's a mindset that you have to have to make sure you get stuff done, then so be it. But I also reject that we have to have that mindset right. I just think we should. We should just be able to like be our own selves and not get so lost in in all of that that we kind of lose our wellness right I think a lot of it is trying to is really seeking approval and validation from people.
Speaker 1:Like you know, a lot of times we as parents, you know, have have this parent guilt and it's like we got to please, please, please our kids. And I was talking to a group of parents on Tuesday and one of the things we were talking about is that pleasing our kids, like a lot of things that we do, is because we want to make sure our kids are doing this and doing that. And then when just even though if we tell our kid not to do something and it gets sad, right, so now we're feeling the mom guilt or whatever- and I was telling the parents.
Speaker 1:I was like our kids don't have to like us, it's okay. Listen, I've been parenting for 25 years now, okay, and I'm understanding that my kids don't have to like me, and it's okay. It's okay Because somebody still has to provide the structure and things like that, and that's you're not gonna like somebody who's telling you like this is the way to go. But sometimes we get parents, we get so guilty that we get so weighted by our kids not being happy that we take on that, that guilt and that that stress, because then we become stressed because it's like we can't please our kids and it's like but you're not even pleasing yourself right so one of the big things that I see is the after school activities.
Speaker 2:Oh man, I'm so crazy like parents I mean literally part of the struggle that I try to have is trying to figure out when people are going to have time to, like, do the self-care, because a lot of stuff I try to work on you know healthy eating habits and like when are you going to carve out exercise and stuff. And I try to work on you know healthy eating habits and like when are you going to carve out exercise and stuff?
Speaker 3:and I try to figure okay like?
Speaker 2:what does your day-to-day schedule look like? But when you hear about some of these schedules and you know, monday is soccer and tuesday's piano and wednesday, and it's like, oh my god, we're just shut, like our whole life is work and shuttling kids back and forth between these different activities and like do they need? To be in off. I mean, I grew up, I again, I, I grew up different. So I think I kind of come from a different perspective and I even feel, I feel the pressure, even, even kind of knowing like that's not.
Speaker 3:I mean, I was in a lot of different things but it was because okay, this is what. I wanted.
Speaker 2:Not that. Okay. My parents felt like we need to sign you up for this this and this because you know you got to get into a good college. Or like all your friends are doing this and if you don't do it you're going to get left out. And then these, especially moms, are like just coming into the office ragged.
Speaker 2:Right, moms are like, just coming into the office, ragged, right, wore out, and it's like, can you give me something to, like you know, help me sleep or get you know I'm so revved up, can I? You know I need something for, for relaxation or anxiety, and I'm just like you know I can't fix this. Right, right, right. This isn't a medical issue, this is a lifestyle.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:This is a lifestyle thing and I mean, it's hard, it's hard.
Speaker 1:It is, and it's interesting you said that because a lot of times I see people like isn't there a pill to fix that? Or something like when we were talking about somebody being fatigued.
Speaker 2:You just need to go to bed, like can you give me a pill to go to sleep? Like. It's a frustrating thing sometimes because I think that there's a bad rep on both sides. One is that patients come in expecting that there's a pill for whatever, and then on the flip side, I get the complaints. Well, all doctors want to do is prescribe medicine, right, and so it's like I can't you can't win right.
Speaker 2:So my my practice specifically, you know, is is kind of labeled as a health and wellness um place. But I think that that is attracting like the type of patients that you know are trying to focus on their health. So that's good, but I think in general it's just is really really hard because you know I I would if I give you a pill for every single ailment then you're on 10 medications and then we got side effects and we got all these different things, and then the patient comes back.
Speaker 2:Well, I just feel like I'm being over medicated. So, but let's talk about like your lifestyle. You know, like that's, that's really what it is like. Like let's talk about your wellness. Like like, are you checking in?
Speaker 2:with yourself like do you need therapy, like do you just need to go for long walks on the beach more often? Or, you know, are you inside too much and you got to go out there in nature? I mean, there's so many like small things, and I think that when we think about wellness too, we think that it has to be this like big thing that has to happen, and that's that's another thing.
Speaker 2:It's like like we think we gotta like go on a vacation, a one-week retreat, or we gotta sign up for this expensive whatever, or like take all these expensive supplements that you know you see on tiktok or whatever. But it doesn't have to be that complicated. It could just be like really simple things like what is it that gives you joy, and then how can you integrate that into your life to a degree that doesn't? You know, disrupt everything, but it could be like little snippets of time that you do it.
Speaker 2:But, like I think everybody in the answer is different for everybody because, right, you know, for some people it's one thing or another, but I just it's always like how are you prioritizing yourself? Today even if it's for like 10 minutes, and if you can't think about the last time that you prioritize yourself, then it's a problem right so how do you get parents to, I guess, to realize that they are so important and like it's necessary to take care of themselves, like? That.
Speaker 1:That's a million dollars I mean because if a person like you know, if we think that everybody else is more important than we are, we're not going to get right, I think it's just challenging the narrative, right?
Speaker 2:it's like well, why do you feel that way? You know, because I think we, we go on this kind of automatic. We don't even think about why we're thinking that way, like we don't even recognize it, like I don't think anybody's walking around saying like I, I feel less than less important than everybody else in my family, I don't. I mean, I don't think a lot of people are saying that or are consciously like feeling that. But what are your actions reflecting? Right? So sometimes I just like point out well, this is what your actions are reflecting, like you're not really prioritizing yourself. So like, why do you think that is? It's kind of like open-ended questions.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, prioritizing yourself.
Speaker 3:So like why do you?
Speaker 2:think that is. It's kind of like open-ended questions, Right? Yeah, it's kind of more like I can't tell you, like you have to come to that conclusion for yourself. But what I can do is just point out when I recognize like something's not right and then what I try to do is tie it into something important like your health.
Speaker 2:So, a lot of times you know it's not just as easy as to say, well, you need to prioritize wellness. So a lot of times you know it's not just as easy as to say, well, you need to prioritize wellness. I can say, like, if you don't prioritize yourself, you see this blood pressure, you see this 20 pound weight gain that's happening because you're so stressed you're eating candy all day long. You see where your, like, insulin levels and your cholesterol are doing. Let's talk about what's going to happen if it continues along this trajectory. And then I know you don't want that. So, like, what steps are we going to take to to get us back to where we want to be? And it's a lot of times it's so overwhelming to think about all the things we need to do. It's just like let's pick one thing to think about. All the things we need to do.
Speaker 2:It's just like let's pick one thing. Let's like pick one thing right to work on and then kind of build on that you know, I like that one thing because, um, it does get overwhelming.
Speaker 1:It's like I got like all these things that need I need to fix about me, right it is. And then it's like, forget it, I can't do all these things, so I'm just going to keep going about it. But I like the idea of focusing on one thing. I really like the idea where you were saying that, um, I want to circle back to that. I like a lot of times we think that if we go away for a week, everything is going to kind of get better. It's like, oh, I, I took that break.
Speaker 1:But then you come back in and a pressure cooker is still on and it might even be more intense, because what we didn't do to put week right. Exactly, but just little, small, daily things to ensure our own wellness. You know, one of the things that I do, I do adult coloring. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I love I got some clear gel pens.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:I love adult coloring Because I need a like woosah moment. I need a time, because the way my brain thinks again, I'm always on the go what's the next thing? I got to be better. What's the next thing? And I realized, like even watching TV I don't watch TV, but when I do watch it, like I'm up here trying to figure out everything that's going on in the show, I can't enjoy a movie. My kids be like Mom, like relax, like I can't even relax and watch a movie because I'm always like that's the way my brain is, like I'm always ready to solve a problem.
Speaker 1:And I realized that, like when my kids kept saying listen, we can't watch movies with you, and then you find a message and everything, like we can't just chill, like what's wrong with you, like my kids said that. So I was like you know what? I need to be able to shut my brain off, because a lot of us don't know how to turn our brains off. So I started knowing adult color and a friend of mine who had passed away um, she had started getting me adult coloring books and I really started enjoying them. So now I probably got about 600 coloring books, like I've been doing this for years and I'm constantly buying.
Speaker 3:Uh, I love that I bought one once and I never.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love it.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 2:That's the crazy thing. I had the same idea that you did and, like I don't know, I don't even know what it is Especially when, things like now, I'm in school, you know so a lot was
Speaker 1:going on but when there's times where I was like you know what, Donna? You need to shut your brain down, you need to shut it down. And I was like, well, I really can't shut my brain down because I need to study some more of this.
Speaker 3:And then finally, I was like you know what.
Speaker 1:So my coloring books are always available. Now they're sitting there with the pen, so that when I think of it I'm like it's here. And then this side is like well, the computer's here too. And I'm going back and forth. But I do this a lot more often now because we've got to take a break.
Speaker 2:You have to take a break and you just have to pencil it in sometimes.
Speaker 1:You just have to pencil it in.
Speaker 2:You know, that's the only thing I can say is like for me it's maybe like mindless reality TV. And you know my husband he's like, oh my God, you're watching this and I'm like listen, leave me alone.
Speaker 2:This is my self-care, this is me turning my brain off. Right, because you know, if it's not, there's so much like cognitive work to involve in, like being a mom or being involved like the head of the household running all this stuff, because it's not just the day-to-day things. You're like everything is running through your head, like are we out of groceries, like when is that parent teacher meeting? Like what's going on this week? It's just like so many things running through your head at any given time and sometimes you just need time to like just shut it off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's really it's it's.
Speaker 2:I mean, and I'm saying this as somebody that is still trying to find that balance, and and the other thing that I realize is you're never quite going to find the balance, like you're always going to be shifting back and forth. So, like I, you know, when I opened my practice last January for the first year it was just like go, go, go, go, go, go go. And this January it was also really busy, and then, I think February, I hit a wall and I was just like I just can't operate at this speed anymore, and so I made some decisions. I blocked schedule time off and I changed my calendar to once every X number of weeks. This day is non-negotiable.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing anything because usually I'll say, oh, friday's is my admin day, and then it becomes like another patient day because I'm squeezing in people and I'm doing this, I'm doing that but I just decided at least once every four to six weeks I'm blocking off this one day and I'm not doing anything like work related, parent related, I'm just gonna I don't know, walked on the street, I don't know go to king of pressure mall, I don't know, but it's just gonna be like nothing that has to do with work or anything and that's kind of gonna be my little thing. But then I'm still trying to figure out the day-to-day stuff. And when you find a balance, you know you can find a balance with one aspect, but then something else is inevitably going to Right. So it's always like a seesaw. Like you know, we're always trying to reach that like place where everything is like this. But I just think realistically what we can realize in life is that it's always going to be like this.
Speaker 1:Because life is always moving.
Speaker 2:Life. Realize in life is that it's always going to be like like this life is always moving, life is always moving and life is always evolving. And and it's the, the the checklist is never you can check everything off the list and then there's a whole new list, right? The?
Speaker 3:list never ends right, like the list never ends.
Speaker 2:So how do we find that balance is always the the?
Speaker 2:thing and the cr in the thing is like you can't ever find the balance all the time right but, you still have to fight to prioritize yourself at some point, because the health consequences are just too high. People like it's I see it, I see it all the time, I just see, I just see so much, so much health stuff and then when you tie it into this is because your mind and and your stress and this and people, they don't believe it. They're just like oh my god, like I can't, I can't believe, like this is happening to me just because I'm not sleeping enough right, or because I'm under so much stress, but yeah wow, yeah, that, wow, uh, wow, I mean you like you're.
Speaker 1:You're the the story for that right like, like I mean, I remember just I don't even I'm trying to think back, particularly when I had those strokes in 2020. Like what was my sleep like? Like it was like nothing, like I was like working or I was working overnight as a nurse in home care. Then I would come in the house in the morning and a lot of it had, because when my sister, when my sister passed away in 2014, her husband passed away in 2012, she passed away in 2014 and I instantly became a mom of four.
Speaker 1:I was a mom of two and I had pretty much everything kind of balanced and I was so like making sure that they were okay from both parents being deceased, that I literally didn't take care of myself. I mean like I was working overnight and then I would have to be awake during the day because they would call me from school, because both parents died of heart attacks, right, so they would call me in school just to hear my voice, um, to make sure my heart was still pumping. So I was like up all night and then I would get an hour sleep because I would get a phone call. And this was going on like every day for years. Oh my god, um, so I didn't. I tried to start going to the gym to take care of myself, but then that was like working my sleep time so yeah, so
Speaker 1:definitely making ourself a priority is so important and I'm still learning that. I'm a lot better at it now, but I still have the sometimes my mindset of I need to do so many different things Like I have like and this is another thing that I'm telling parents like it's okay to have a schedule, have a schedule, but don't fill that schedule up so much where you can't budge and when something goes off the schedule you go off or you can't handle it. We got to learn how to pivot. My bonus mom tells me all the time you got to be able to pivot, you play basketball. You got to be able to pivot. You play basketball, you got to be able to pivot. So don't be so strict on yourself. But the thing about when we're stricking ourselves we're stricking ourselves about other people and other things. We're not stricking ourselves about what I need to do for me. So I think, around the health and wellness, like making ourselves. I think making ourselves a priority.
Speaker 2:Making ourselves a priority and just picking one thing at a time, because I think people get into this. Okay, I know like I need to do better, but I don't know where to start. I hear that all the time. I don't know where to start and so I always kind of say, like, just write it down. Like you know, however you sort things through your mind, I have to write things down. Like you know, however you sort things through your mind, I have to write things down to like sort things through my mind, you know, write on a list of like something that you would like to change or improve for your wellness. And then you know, pick one, like just say, okay, I'm going to focus on this. Even like healthy eating is is a whole process.
Speaker 2:A lot of times people feel like they have to just wake up and go on this diet and it's like overhaul. That never works Right Because it doesn't really fit into your lifestyle. Really it's not sustainable. You can do it for like a month and you derail and then you're right back to square one. So a lot of times I'm like OK, like if, if we want to focus, focus on nutrition, cause, you know, like, maybe that's, that's an area for improvement. Food is medicine, you know, trying to get to like a healthy weight or whatever it's like, what's one aspect that you can improve. So I always kind of like to say like let's start off with, you know, trying to get more fruits and vegetables, like get more fiber, and then let's look at you know, what you snack on.
Speaker 2:I got a sweet tooth, for example. Like is there a healthier substitution there? So I never try to tell people you can't do this. Like, stop eating sweets and stop doing that. Stop eating at a restaurant eating sweets and stop doing that, stop eating at a restaurant. If you like eating at a restaurant and that improves your quality of life, then it's like okay, what is there a shift where, instead of doing it three times a week, right, you know, maybe you're cooking more often so you're more in control over what you do? Or when we go to this restaurant, what is there a healthier choice that you can make that you still are not depriving yourself, but you know you're still kind of doing for you. So it's all about, like, just taking things step by step and not feeling like it's a huge overhaul, because I always say like we didn't get to where we are overnight right and you're not gonna fix it overnight.
Speaker 2:And if you fix it overnight, it is too fast like, like baby steps yeah, it's not sustainable, like baby steps, you know. So that's kind of one of the the things because, like, especially with the my weight loss program, you know, you got people that they're on their weight loss journey and the minute that they decide they want to go on this journey, it's like I better be losing 10 pounds by next week and it.
Speaker 2:It's like you didn't, we didn't get there overnight. We're not like let's, let's kind of unravel it and try to get to like a healthier place. But I think that's also part of the mindset thing, too, is is just realizing like the wellness and the health isn't just like a switch that you can turn on. It's like progress, not perfection. You know, that whole like thing I mean, I didn't make up that phrase. I love it though, but it's progress, not perfection. It's like what are you doing today that's a little bit better than what you did yesterday? Like you can look back in a month Is your lifestyle a little bit better than it was last month? And then next months is it better than it was? So it's just kind of like making those little baby steps, but just being as consistent as possible, and you don't have to be perfect, but it's just about, I guess, like showing up for yourself, right, yeah, a little bit every day.
Speaker 1:I like that, I like the baby steps because, like you said, just get overwhelmed and and then you just like forget it.
Speaker 1:I can't do it exactly yeah, exactly so baby steps is I like, because then you, you get to live in such a world where we think everything is microwave, like that's supposed to happen, that's supposed to happen, like nobody wants to put food in the crock pot anymore, everything is like I need, I need this right now, but it's not really beneficial for us when it's like that. So I like the baby steps and I like what you just said, though you said show it for yourself, wow.
Speaker 2:I sounded like a life coach just now. Yeah, you did, doc, you did. I mean, I don't think I made up that phrase, but it just made sense.
Speaker 1:But it works though, because it's like you know, when you say show up for yourself, it makes you think like no, have I really been showing up for myself, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yep.
Speaker 2:And don't feel guilty about it, yeah.
Speaker 3:It's a necessity.
Speaker 2:You got to do it, man, like at the end of the day, you know, I just I see so many people when they're prioritizing, for example, work or whatever, and they have a health issue. You think anybody at work cares about you. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:But you know like.
Speaker 2:I literally have seen, seen, you know, like colleagues pass away or people die and you know you're gonna get replaced tomorrow, right. But if you are running yourself down into the ground and like what's gonna happen to your family, right, when you're not around because you ran yourself down into the ground either for them or for some boss or some career or some whatever, like you know it's you just, you just have to kind of think about that. And when people look on, you know I did a rotation in hospice when I was in residency, right, and one of the things that you know when people are reflecting back on what they wish they did more of in life, nobody ever wish they work harder.
Speaker 1:Right they be like. I wish I didn't work as hard, right?
Speaker 2:Nobody ever wish that they did an extra hour or two at work. You know it's. You want to spend more time with your family, or you want to. You know, you wish that you had the opportunity to do this thing that you always wanted to do. Like that you never got to do something on your bucket list that you never got to do for yourself. Like you know, those are the things that people reflect on, like, oh, I always wanted to travel, but I just never had time, or right, you know those kind of things. So I I just kind of always try to think back, like in 30 years, when I look back at kind of what I'm doing now, like, am I going to have any regrets about where my time was being focused? And the answer to that might be no, right, because you know the answer is like, this is good for me right now, but like, what are you doing for yourself every day to make your life a little bit better?
Speaker 1:Not somebody else's life, but to make your life a little bit better not somebody else's life, but like your life right and I like what you said, because while you were talking I started thinking about things um, um, make your life better, and not so much of we think what will make our life better, like material things and stuff like that. Because my bishop he always say that you know, you never see a house behind a hearse.
Speaker 1:You never see, see, you know all these things that we think that we have to work so hard for to get here. And when you die none of that, the money's not going with you, can't take. It with you, can't take it with you.
Speaker 1:So like, why are we working so hard to get these things which, you know, we all want to live a nice life, but at the same time, again, at what cost? So, just really honing in on the fact that we need to self-prioritize and you know, realize that who has this quote? Um, the grave is like the wealthiest place. I never heard that. Yeah, um, I think henry fort might have said that the grave is like the wealthiest place because that's where all the dreams are, that's where people die with their dreams and aspirations and things that they wish they could have did.
Speaker 1:And now they're, they're going, so that's the wealthiest place. It's like, well, I don't want my grade to be the wealthiest place. And I also on um I was. We were talking on um, talking to the fact about how we should leave our children like things like inheritance and stuff like that. And um, I was. Something came across my mind. I was like it's a sad thing if we're worth more dead than alive. Like you know, again, we work to make sure that we want to leave our children something behind, right. So that's another mindset like I gotta get, get, get so that they can have have right. But if you're worth more dead than alive, that's a serious problem?
Speaker 2:yep, and you know, you know I would say that we, we probably think our kids are very materialistic because they're always asking for this and that. But at the end of the day, I would say, if I'm thinking back on my childhood, I don't remember what I got for Christmas or whatever a certain year, but you know, I remember the time that, you know, I spent with my family. Like I remember the times when, like you know, my dad would take us fishing or we would have picnics on the beach or we would just like take drives as a family and do stuff. So you think about, like, the experiences that you have with your family, um, not necessarily the things that you had, I mean, that's just. I think that's like most of us. So I totally agree with you because it's it's we. We just feel like we have to kind of give them.
Speaker 2:I guess you know I understand the concept of, like, generational wealth is important and all that stuff too. But yeah, to your point, like a lot of kids would just want to have more time. Yeah, you know, yeah.
Speaker 1:That is so important. It was another thought I had, dang. I lost it, but okay, it'll come back to you Because, as you're talking things light up.
Speaker 2:See, I told you my brain don't work.
Speaker 1:Just listen, donna, just stop right. But yeah, time is so important. I think most kids just want you to spend time with them. Oh, what I was going to say, as we take care of ourselves and we prioritize ourselves and have self-care, it teaches our kids how to have it for themselves, exactly like I remember when, uh, my one, the 16 year, the one that's going to be 16 in a month, the one to test my inner gangster yeah, um, she says to me when she gets in the house, she says she needs like 20 minutes to herself. And I'm like what? Because the way I grew up, it's like you come in the house, you do your chores, you do this, that and the other. When I come in the house, I'm doing stuff, I'm cooking and all that stuff. And she's just like no, mom, I need time to myself, and I'm like you had time on the school bus.
Speaker 1:That's not the same, but she's teaching me, like really understand it, and it's not like something she said. She's been saying this for years like that girl has her self-care.
Speaker 1:I know and I think like you just don't want to be obedient, you just don't want to do when I say what to do, but learning over time is like, literally, this is what she needs to bring herself down to be ready to do the next thing, and we're so geared of'm just doing, doing, doing and she's learned that from me, though of doing, doing, doing. And she said listen, I had enough.
Speaker 2:So she's like the opposite, she's like listen, I watch you.
Speaker 1:Do, do, do, do. That ain't gonna be me like you running around here with your head cut off like no, this is what I need, mom, and it took me a long time because I'm like, I'm the mom. That's what I said right but understanding that you know what? I don't need a break too when I so by allowing her taking that break, actually it helped me realize I could take a break too. See, there you go, yep, yep.
Speaker 2:I was like oh I could take a break, she could take a break, I could take a break, right, and it's 20 minutes. Gonna like derail your day, yeah, or is it going to let you recharge, you know?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good, yeah, so definitely something. All right. So it was a lot. We got a lot.
Speaker 2:Oh my, we got a lot tonight, right? Yeah, we did. I can't believe time flies, yeah. So closing, what do you want to leave with the audience? And then this is the time you actually can look in the camera, you know, I just the message I want to leave is just that, at the end of the day, wellness is so important and wellness isn't just you know, are you going for your once a year doctor's checks or like that kind of thing. Wellness is listening to your body, listening to your, your whole mind, body, spirit, connection. And if things are not, if things are not well like, we got to prioritize ourselves and figure out how to fix that. Because at the end of the day, as a doctor, I see the consequences of us ignoring that way too often and so I really just want to prioritize, like health is wellness and wellness is health all right.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for coming to the show this was a great conversation, I felt like we were.
Speaker 2:We were just getting we were just scratching the surface.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you so much. Yeah, all right, you guys, you heard it from the doc prioritize yourself, right. Self-care is so important, um, because if we, we can't pour out an empty cup, and we got to make sure that we're taking care of ourselves, not taking care of ourselves just for someone else. Taking care of ourselves for us, because we are important, we are so important, um. So thanks you guys for joining Parenting with Purpose. Again, I am your host, donna Janelle. We'll see you back next week, hi everybody my name is Donna also known as Donna Janelle, ceo and founder of Parenting with Purpose.
Speaker 1:Our strive here at the podcast is to reach every home, whether single mom. Thank you Bye.
