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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Guiding Vulnerable Hearts with Fostering Compassion
Navigating the teenage years can feel like steering a ship through a storm, and I, Donna Janel, am no stranger to the turbulent waters of parenting teens. This week’s heartfelt discussion is a beacon for fellow parents, offering a shared experience of enforcing consequences to foster responsibility. We take a step into the compassionate realm of foster care through the lens of Corkisha Pittman, a pediatric nurse whose journey as a foster parent embodies the nurturing spirit necessary to guide young lives through their most vulnerable moments.
The path of fostering is strewn with both joys and heartaches, and during our conversation, we unearth the systemic hurdles that complicate this loving endeavor. We discuss how better support systems, community involvement, and governmental action can uplift struggling families. This episode doesn't just share the trials but celebrates the triumphs of parenting, as we also talk about the monthly 'parent in village' Zoom meetings, a testament to the collective wisdom and power of community in raising children.
Wrapping up, we contemplate the profound impact of communal effort in creating nurturing environments for our little ones. We explore the importance of addressing fundamental developmental needs and the tools necessary to guide our offspring with precision and empathy. So join us on this journey of Parenthood with a Purpose, as we not only share stories but also honor the indelible mark we leave on the lives we shape.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Music. My name is Donna, also known as Donna Junelle, ceo and founder of Parenting with a Purpose. Our strive here at the podcast is to reach every home, whether single moms, married single dads, whatever it is, foster parents just bringing the ownership and responsibility and nobility back into parenting. Get comfortable with uncountable conversations, help parents, be so helpful and guidance. I'm just here to be a God. Hey everybody, welcome to Parenting with a Purpose. I am your host, donna Junelle.
Speaker 1:As you know, my goal is to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. As you know, I tell you every week parenting is a hard. Knock life out here. For us, parenting is not for the week. I'm going to stop saying that parenting is hard. I'm going to say parenting is very challenging. It's very challenging. You and I know, as you guys are parents sitting out here that, especially if you're parenting teens right now, let's take a moment of silence for these teens, because I just don't know how much longer I could do it. I just don't know. I got the two 16-year-olds and the one just turning 18 and I don't know if it's them or if it's me. If it's me, if it's them, I just don't know what's going on with them. They don't seem like they're the same kids that I'm erasing. They just don't seem like they're the same kids. But anyway, I'm going to get through it with your help, with Carcacha, pitt, miss Health, with all. Everybody's been on my show. We're going to get through this right, because parenting, ooh who shot?
Speaker 1:my All right. So I got to tell you all stories about the kids every week, just trying to understand. Maybe y'all can help me understand, because I still don't understand. But I'm dealing with this, the one that tests my interganger. We talk about her all the time. I know I have four kids, but out of the four kids, my oldest is about to be 25. The two are about to be 16 and one's about to be 18. Oh listen, they're all turning another age next month, april and May. This was when all the transition is changing right. So the one that's turned to 16, I'm telling y'all, I promise y'all. I think she wake up in the morning to test me. I think she sleep at night and say you know what I'm going to get her today. I feel like that's what she does she tests my interganger. So right now, the newest thing that she's doing, right, I got a call from the teacher, miss Williams. Well, no, she ain't calling Miss Williams, calling Miss Pittman.
Speaker 1:Miss Pittman, she was an hour late to class today and I said hour late to class. How did she get an hour late to class? Now, mind you, my kids go to a military academy. It's a campus, but it's not like a huge college campus, y'all it is. Literally the buildings are right next to each other. You walk across the school yard and you're there. How's she hour it? Well, she took her PSATs this morning. I told her great. She said she had lunch. I told her great. So she did those things.
Speaker 1:And when she came an hour late to class, I asked her where she was. She said I was talking to another teacher. I said hour. She said yeah, that's what I said. I said okay, you were talking to another teacher. But when I asked Miss Pittman, when I asked the teacher, she said that she was only talking to her for three minutes. I said three minutes. Now you told me she was hour late for class. Oh man, so now you know this is the one that keeps testing me, right? So I'm trying to understand. So she's telling me you know she's missed time. And then when she comes in the class, she got a million one questions because she wasn't here. I'll handle that.
Speaker 1:Oh no, when she asked me this is the part you know, and I want your parents to get this, because when our children do something, we're always trying to protect them and always trying to make sure that we're defending them right. But as this teacher is giving me this information, I can tell that she didn't want to write her up. She was like you know, I'm supposed to write her up but and I was like, do it, do it, write her up? She was like huh. I said write her up because that's the only way she's going to learn. She should not have been an hour late for your class.
Speaker 1:Now the classes are 80 minutes long. She was an hour late. I said don't give her a pass, write her up. Well, miss Wayne, I was really no. Write her up and you can put on there Her mother. She has been written up. So listen, here's the part. She comes home. I'm trying to be nice y'all. She come home from soccer practice. Now she got soccer practice four days a week and I told y'all that this is the one that tells me she need to break when she at home.
Speaker 1:Now, when I got home, chores had to be done, schoolwork chores and then you can do whatever, not her. She needed a break. Although her bus ride is 45 minutes, y'all, she had a break. She gets home. I come in and I was hey, how you doing, I'm tired. Okay, how was school? It was good. I'm tired from soccer practice.
Speaker 1:I said, okay, you were missing from class for an hour. No, what do you mean? So then I gave her a blank stare. Oh, yes, I was with another teacher. I said no, we verified that you were teaching for three minutes. Oh, would, I was sitting in this area and she is. I said ma'am, oh no, no, listen, listen, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have went to the coordinated area.
Speaker 1:I went over there to do some work. I said so you forgot you had a whole nother class, like you, you just decided not to go to class today. Well, no, I figure I need to do a work in another class. So I'm giving her the blank stare, because that's you know what we do as parents we give her the blank stare. And then I did like this I held my chin and I said mm-hmm. So I'm sorry, I'm just going to do better, like I don't even have the same thing I was. She's like I'm sorry, I'm going to do better, but she's still in trouble. Y'all Like, all jokes aside, like she's still in trouble because you just don't bounce out of class for an hour because you felt like you wanted to do something else. So that's the newest thing that she did. That was just recently, yesterday. Now I got another list, but I'm not going to go there today.
Speaker 1:Anyway, so you know, as parents, we are the bowls and our children are arrows and they're going to land wherever we send them right. They might not land today, they might clearly not today. Some, you see, they want to test my inner gangster. They might not land today, they might not land tomorrow, it might not be next year, a couple years, but eventually they will land wherever we aim them. As long as we give them the tools right, as long as we dress them, as long as we don't send them outside naked, as long as we close our children with things that we know that they need to survive in this life and not just survive to thrive, they will land. Now again, it's going to take some time because, as you know, we didn't land right away where our parents aimed us, you know, but somehow we made it and we here, right, all right.
Speaker 1:So tonight we're going to be talking about oh wait, before I even get into the show tonight, there was a situation I really wanted to bring attention to. I read an article Now I'm always bringing your information right Just so that we, as parents, could be aware of what's going on with our kids and what's going on in the world, so that we can best be able to equip our kids. So I just read an article. There were three girls. They were about ages nine through 11. They went to a sleepover and the sleepover it was a mother and a father to sleepover, and the family knew each other. You know, because my kids ain't standing in our house, I don't know, but the families knew each other.
Speaker 1:And what happened was which is the craziest thing they, father, made smoothies for all the girls, right, but what he did was he spiced them. I think that's what you call it. You spice them when you put alcohol in them. He put alcohol and he actually put. There was another drug in there, kind of like Benadryl, used as a sedative, right, he put it in their drinks. One of the girls decided not to drink it. She was like she act like she drank it. She did not drink it. While they were downstairs in the basement sleep, she kept seeing the father of the house go up and down and push the girls and see if there was a way. And the girls were very, they were high. Basically, whatever they were on, they literally it was shown.
Speaker 1:So the one little girl, the nine year old, she's texting her parents three o'clock in the morning. She's not getting any answer for her parents, but she's texting them saying please come give me. I'm not safe. And she's telling them what's happening. She didn't get her parents, but what she did was her parents friend. She has a friend, their friend number, and she got ahold of them and said you know, if you text me and I don't answer, this is why it's going on. But please come give me, make a bit of use for us to leave. So the moms, the parents friend, contacted the parents and they picked their children up. All the children went to the hospital and they found out there was drugs in their system.
Speaker 1:This is why I'm telling y'all it's so important to make sure our kids are safe. You don't know what goes on behind somebody else's door. You only know what goes on in your house. But even just teaching our kids the signs and symptoms of something that's going wrong where you're not with me, I thought that was so smart that the young lady knew not to drink it. Now most kids, like we're adults, are giving them drinks and stuff, like they thinking that it's okay. But something in her told her not to do it and then she was able to reach out for help. She didn't just let it fly by. So, again, if we put in our kids what they need, situations like this is going to be taken care of. Because she recognized there was something going on. I just wanted to bring that attention to everybody so that we know where our kids are going, who our kids are with. And, honestly, you can't trust everybody, even though you may like. These parents knew each other, but the parents didn't know that this man is going around here spiking drinks like nine to 10 year olds. That's insane, that is crazy. So, anyway, come back. Come back, because you know their kids probably taking away from them, they, probably in their foster care. I'm just saying so.
Speaker 1:Tonight, everybody, we're going to be talking about foster care. Foster care is very near and dear in my heart for several reasons, but tonight I wanted to get into it because I read a study and it was saying that over 600,000 children into the foster care system a year. More than half of those families are not reunited. So tonight our guest here is Karkisha Pittman. Hello, hello. I have her here because once she's a foster mom. She has been a foster mom for a long time and has several children. But I also brought her here because they're experiencing it and then just also because, again, that number is high 600,000 children who don't have their biological family a part of their life for whatever reason. So you know, these kids still need love, nurturing, sense of belonging. I mean, they're still kids and they're still humans, so they still need all these things. So welcome to the show, karkisha. Hello, hello everyone.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:So we're just going to get into a little. If you just tell us a little bit about yourself, your upbringing, your career, what you do, parents, how you were raised and then what got you into actually helping children All right.
Speaker 2:Well, karkisha Pittman. I am the second of three children born to my mother and father, raising up two parent households Left to love, caring, not the most money, but they did what they had to do and we always were safe and well taken care of and had the best of life. Finally, a nurse, pediatric nurse.
Speaker 1:Woo-woo. You know I love that because I'm a pediatric nurse too, so I love it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. I've been in case management, pediatric care my whole career, from college on up. I enjoy working with kids. I enjoy helping people. I got into foster care about seven years ago in a dream that came to me and I followed through with it, got up and read some scriptures and just prayed on and make sure this is exactly where God was leading me to go. And the initial start of it was tricky because they asked for your entire life. And I got that package in the mail and I was like Lord, I must have heard you wrong.
Speaker 1:This can't be what you want me to do, but that package is like a mortgage, like signing a mortgage, like that's that sick package. You're like when you're in there, ask the biological parents all these questions.
Speaker 2:It's not, it's not but you want my entire life in this little record. So once I got over the initial fear and shock of all of that, I did follow through with it and went through all the trainings and initially just thinking, okay, I'm going to get some kid and you know I have a house with love, because there's a lot of kids out there, as you said, that need love. Right, they need that supportive home, that parent, that adult that's going to just leave them and guide them, not thinking it'll be a long term thing. I'll just help some kids, get them on their feet and then sit on my back home for their parents. What I didn't anticipate was falling in love with these kids and those kids becoming a part of my life and my family's lives.
Speaker 2:I didn't anticipate the impact that they would have on my life. I just thought what.
Speaker 1:I would give them Right, wow. And you know what? I think that's what I hear from a lot of people is that you want to go in and you want to help, right, you want to do a service and you want to help, and the goal is always to be reunited, right? So it's like that's what they tell you, that in training, like listen, they're going to reunite. But then I think the heart of the matter is, like you said, you fall in love with these kids and you're nurturing them, you're raising them and you're doing all these and you're investing in them and I think, if any person, it tugs on your heart.
Speaker 2:It's the hardest thing. They became family. Every one of my family, every one of my community knew them. Wow, it was a village, my neighbors, my church family, my coworkers, everyone knew these kids and everyone, oh. What can we do to help? Right, let's give you this, we can do that for you. So it just it became a village and they say it takes a village to raise a child. It really does.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:It really does, whether they're biological or your nieces and nephews, it takes a village.
Speaker 1:It does. So wow, because I think most people and I think one of the things that when I think about foster care is that I just wish more people would do it. But then I also understand why they don't, because, again, you get that attachment right. You get that. It's the thing that they tell you don't. How do you tell humans not to attach to another human?
Speaker 2:If you have a child living in your home for a period of time and you don't get attached to them, then I question your humanity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how do you?
Speaker 2:because they're a child, so you need to love them.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:You know, and again they're giving you a certain amount of joy and a certain amount of love and reciprocation as well.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So how do you not grow attached to them? Yeah, they become part of your routine. They become part of your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Definitely I question that you know and you hear hard stories about foster homes. And then you hear some amazing stories and I think sometimes we get so caught up in the horror stories that a lot of people shy away from them and back away from them, but not realizing that these kids still need help. And then because Jack and Jill did this doesn't mean like Susie and Bobby's going to do this. You know, exactly, exactly, you know.
Speaker 2:So I mean, and it's not the kids fault At the end of the day. I think we as adults have to realize that they are a product of their environment and their circumstances. They didn't ask to be here. Right they didn't ask to be taken away from their parents, you know. But we have adults who are making decisions and involving the kids. Or I go say I'm bothering our kids, but the kids are a reflection of the decisions that the adults made.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:They didn't have a say, they didn't have a choice, and some of them are angry. The older ones, the babies, don't know.
Speaker 1:I had babies, they didn't know.
Speaker 2:But the older ones, they're bitter and nervous and full because I'm mad at my mom.
Speaker 1:But at the end of the day, that's still my mom. Absolutely, you're not my mom. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So don't tell me what to do. I have a mom, so I think that I know with me that was part of the reluctancy in getting an older child. I wanted the babies because, again, they don't know I can help them. Right, I want them back together, reuniting with their parents. Initially, that's what I know.
Speaker 1:I don't know what we're doing.
Speaker 2:But the older ones, I had that fear because there is that resentment and there is that anger and I don't. I guess there's a fear of them coming to my house and me having to look over my shoulder because you mad at me and not mad at me, but you mad at your situation and you're taking it out on me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think, with the older being a COSCA point, a court appointed special advocate for kids in foster care. I've seen all sides of it. But then I also reflect on myself. There was a period of time when we were taken from my mom and I remember being that angry kid. I remember just cursing people out, didn't like people. At that time I had a whole thing. I ain't like humans. Humans was not my people. I didn't get me around animals. And because of the hurt and pain that you deal with, because every kid still wants to be with their parents, no matter what their parent has done to them Like I mean, I was.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's still my mom. And then a lot of times, particularly teenagers, we think that we can help our parents too when they go through all of oh they need me, our parents, because after so long you be like, oh, they need me, so they can do A, b and C, and so then you have this anger and stuff, and I see a lot of teenagers. But I also see that with teenagers, they are passed around in the foster care system. The placements are not stable for them, because for several reasons. One is because not everybody can handle the attitude. The teenagers yeah, she just said the teenager yeah, because it's a lot, it's a lot.
Speaker 2:Listen, I got, and your own kid oh yeah teenager is going to give you attitude.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And disrespect and talking back and challenge you. So if your own child is doing it, think about this child that has been passed around from house to house. Who do I trust?
Speaker 1:Can I let?
Speaker 2:my guard down.
Speaker 1:Am I safe here?
Speaker 2:On top of the regular raging hormones and rebellion that your average teenage teens they have extra stuff added on to it.
Speaker 1:Right and they get placed and then they leave the places with trash bags and stuff. Like you know the whole thing, I did a couple of years ago one project for school I think it was in psychology or something. I had did a study on children in foster care and it was those who are aging out of foster care. What happens when they age out of foster care, which you know, they're pretty much the highest homeless population is children who are aged out of foster care.
Speaker 1:But I was thinking about it and I was reading it and we were talking a lot of it was talking about placement and really having a sense of belonging and because that's one of the hierarchy it needs right, like a sense of belonging and how situations where sometimes I question if it was better taking a child out of their biological environment and placing them in foster care or was it better leaving them in their environment and they didn't have to deal with some of the crazy stuff that happens in foster care. Sometimes I wonder like if we're doing a disjustice to children or we're actually helping them. Kind of like I question myself all the time and I see cases where it helps, like I mean, there's some clear cut cases. Listen, this is not going to work. But then there's cases where you take them out of environment, where we deem to be harmful, and then you put them in a more harmful state.
Speaker 2:So it's just, you're either addressing one area or the other.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Sometimes you do take them out of that home that was unsafe or unfit for them, but then you put them in a different home and again with all the issues that they're coming with. They don't feel safe there. So none are acting out more. So I can't handle this. None are going here. I can't handle this. So none are going there, so they are. They're bounced around.
Speaker 2:And it's that nature versus nurture Like. Am I providing them with everything that they need, even though they're fighting me back and they don't? They want it? They want it, but they don't, maybe in part for like they deserve it or they just don't want it from you. They want it from their parents. So they are going to be a little bit rebellious, but is my home better than the home that they came from?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I guess because they're adults you can't really teach the adult how to be a better parent or get their stuff together.
Speaker 1:And that's the real focus, I think, because 600,000 kids a year goes through the foster care system, 600,000. That's a lot of kids, right. So we know that these kids didn't just create themselves, they didn't just come about right. So it's like that's one of the things that my aim is always to be and my goal is to get to the parents right, because I'm a strong believer that if we repair quote unquote broken children and send them back to a broken home, they will be re -injured Right. So it's like at some point we've got to start really investing in the parents so that we can get these parents, so we can lessen the numbers and parents have the tools to be able to raise their children properly, you know, with safety and secure with their resources. But at the same time, I do understand when think it's just not possible.
Speaker 2:You can't fix everyone.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So there are going to be certain circumstances where the kid, for the safety and well-being of that, I have to take you out.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I had one kid whose mom was doing everything she could just to keep a roof over her child's head, but for some reason she wasn't supposed to be with her grandmother. I forget the story behind that, but mom got caught in the work. So who do you lean on?
Speaker 1:Right, your mom.
Speaker 2:You took the kid over there.
Speaker 1:This kid I ain't going to say she was.
Speaker 2:I don't know what her is. She cried a lot.
Speaker 1:OK, a lot.
Speaker 2:A lot A loud screeching cry.
Speaker 1:OK.
Speaker 2:It took a lot to console her. Not in pain, nothing was wrong with her. She just was one of them clingy kids and needed a lot of attention.
Speaker 1:OK.
Speaker 2:And when she didn't get it she had like a high-pitched squeal. So I'm assuming the neighbors heard this kid crying. Somehow the cops got involved. They came to the house Because the kid was not supposed to be with the grandma. They took her and put her in foster care. Wow she ended up with me. I knew that this was temporary. This mom boo-hooed and cried what was she doing wrong?
Speaker 1:Right, she was working.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she ought to make a living for her and her daughter. She needed help yeah that's where her mom was there. For now, forget the story, but again, why? I couldn't have her. But it's little stuff, but it took that child coming to me. I had her for like two, three months.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:She was reunited back with her mom for that mom to get help.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:City Provided her what extra resources to? Help her get through, her go through. Right took her losing her child, to get those resources.
Speaker 1:There has to be a way that these people can reach out and say I need help, yeah, without the fear of you taking it out, the fear of you taking, especially in the African-American community, because there's there's such, there's such a I don't even like such a disparity, right and every you know, health and and financial there's so many disparities, right, and that there's such a lack of trust for the government, because long history of it, right, and If I'm breech, I've seen it over time if I'm reaching out to you, you're turning back on me that I'm not bit, but I'm calling for your help.
Speaker 1:So a lot of people are reluctant to really go for help and then they end up in situations like this or if they did go For help, they didn't get to help, get the help they didn't get to help, like you, they, your kids, you got a deal from, but yet when something happened, oh, now need to stay there your kids, right, yeah, so that I agree.
Speaker 1:They definitely has to be a way to have resources. I mean honestly, frankly, listen, we, we built in all these prisons, we don't all this stuff you know, of how to lock people up, government, though I really feel like that. The government has to and it has to be more voices to the government and say listen, how about we just put some more resources out here for kids, like I understand, basketball camps, I understand, but can we get to the parents? Can we, like I, get all these extra sports to keep our kids out of trouble, right, but at the same time can parents get resources so that they can keep, so they can help keep their kids out of trouble, so they can best fit without?
Speaker 2:without having to work 16 hours a day right have time to come home to your kids absolutely the cost of living is going up, but pay increases aren't there and Food is expensive. So there's a little bit of money I'm making. I'll pay the bills. I buy the food like it's Economy. Just seems like it's.
Speaker 1:And healthcare is going up. So you have parents who are, you know, even if you're a two-parent household, you know like it's. It's still a struggle, a challenge for everyone. I mean food. Just to put food, listen, y'all. Y'all know I got them teenagers.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you know, remember going up same food before.
Speaker 1:Remember growing up. They said that you know what you're gonna eat. It's out of house home. I never understood. I'm like how do you eat somebody out of house at home?
Speaker 2:Like this is done listen.
Speaker 1:I am like on the break, like um. You know, whenever younger I'm able to say assign snacks, you know these are the snacks that you get. These are now that you know. They're six in listen. I don't understand, like my, but I don't even eat like that.
Speaker 2:So how can you? Yeah and I know that they're growing.
Speaker 1:They're growing, but at the same time I'm constantly having a food conversation with my kids at the house, especially my son man, now my son. He'll be 16 next month. This is a boy that was born premature, had a feeding tube. Y'all had trouble eating, had texture issues, everything. You can't tell now, this boy is taller than me. I'm five, eight, he's taller than me and he's walking around like I'm like did you just eat that? How many bananas that you had? Oh Well, today price six. Why would you eat six?
Speaker 2:bananas. Sometimes it's not because they're hungry, it's just because it's there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what he tells me I'll be bored.
Speaker 2:I'm like. Food is there, why not eat it? So food for the house with a bunch of fruits and vegetables Snack away, and that's what my sister said.
Speaker 1:Why are you complaining that he eating all the food? Because that's what it is fruits and vegetables, why? But no, he can't eat six bananas in a day. That's just not gonna work. He said she's a dollar bananas 23 cent a pound. Can you like let him eat his banana, he just like. At least he's not trying to eat other stuff, because I don't buy Crazy yeah, I don't buy those things, so it is they're eating Healthy stuff.
Speaker 1:But I'm just thinking, listen. So a couple months ago, right on the show, I had said I asked my mom cuz my kids was doing something. I'm telling they always doing something and I don't have an issue with my kids like out on the street doing drugs, alcohol, anything. I like they don't stay night in friends house, they don't even hang out with people outside of school like they're pretty busy, right. So I don't have an issue with that and they tell me about people that they see they eat for stuff like that. So we have a really good, open communication.
Speaker 1:My biggest issue is they don't clean up, right. So like they eat me out of household and they don't clean up. So that's my biggest issue. So I asked my mom, right, I Said, mom, when we were younger when we was eating canned fruit and canned vegetables, it wasn't cuz we was bad or you just couldn't afford it. Like I'm trying to think cuz at this point I don't want to buy a fresh fruit. I was like because they made me so mad and I was like I don't think they got spent all that money on fresh fruits and vegetables. How about I just give them can?
Speaker 1:I mean, do the basic? Here's my mom don't get them canned food. My, it was alright for us. It was alright for us. Well, that's all we can afford, donna. I'm like my, I don't want to get do you know how much fresh fruit, cause they made me mad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she was like Donna, you can't do it. But I really did question that cuz I was, you know, I was mad, so I was like what can I do with the punished on? I'm getting canned food I so it's so funny because they didn't have. They've never had canned food. And here when I'm oh, oh yeah, can you buy some more?
Speaker 2:I'm like no, it's not healthy.
Speaker 1:I only did it at that day just to test. It was a treat Backfire. It was a test like my, the one that tested my intergangster, like she could tell my keep on me some more. Who's the noodles? Listen, I really did it cuz I was mad and they like was like, can we please say that I'm like? It's not healthy? It's not healthy. But that's just like the stuff that we think about in our brain, like trying to figure out how the best hand through this situation. And it's like I really was like mom did that. Was it cuz we was in trouble, cuz I understand.
Speaker 2:Now you know, as you get older, you understand, understand, but I'm used to always say, and I would say extra something she, but because I said so, that's the most liberating comment I could ever make at this point.
Speaker 1:I'm because I said so I'm I'm not gonna say I made the mistake, but I started. Right, I have open conversations with my kids, right. So everything is they have opinions right, because I want to make sure that I'm not dehumanizing them. Right, that they really understand. But there are some points, like you said, like there's certain things. It's just not a conversation, especially the one that tests my intergates. Or she thinks that everything is a negotiation. So she needs, she needs to tell me everything and but you gotta hear this part. No, I don't want to hear it. So now with her I mean she's about to six time like listen now, but no, I don't even let her finish the statement anymore, because I know we're gonna be here 25 minutes and we know running around a circle For the same thing and that's answer is still now and I feel like I don't need it because even when I explain it to you, you still want more explanation. So I get now. I, because I said so, I understand, you know what, cuz.
Speaker 2:I'm just not gonna argue with like this. It's not options. I give you choices. You are allowed to communicate and express yourself freely yeah, but certain topics, because I said yeah, you know what I say them.
Speaker 1:I'd be like mother knows best. That's my new thing I'm gonna have to try that out. That's my new thing, cuz I know, cuz I'm like just not gonna negotiate with you anymore and not gonna have this conversation and I'm like dirt tired and you keep going on and I'm a what my mother knows best, that's it.
Speaker 2:That's a.
Speaker 1:thing that ain't got nothing else to say. Conversation over and you know what she does. Her eyes go up in her head and she turned around and walked out and I'm like you know, I don't care, I don't even care now, back in the day I probably would have jumped on her for them eyes Like will you roll your eyes? It? Cuz that's what grew up, who you wrote. But now you know what. Go bow in your room. It's okay, I'm not even fighting. Yeah, roll them down the street like rolling, like a river, keep rolling, rolling. Be a teen attorney today. So let's talk about. So how old were their children in foster care that you had?
Speaker 2:so I've had a couple of them. They've all been babies, Mm-hmm. Very first one I got was two weeks Fresh out of the NICU and I had her for ten months and then she was reunited with a cousin. Oh wow, but she and I are. This is the one that I was just we're still. It's a village now right the cousin I work well together and we try to give this job the best life possible.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:I'll help an hour with school and you know whatever she needs to be a fully functioning adults, right? But I get every other weekend. We share holidays and vacations.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Had a couple of them in between that may have lasted a couple of months. Okay the last child I had. I had her that are at seven months. Mm-hmm I had her until she was almost three, wow, and she was reunited with her maternal. Okay so neither one of them went back to their biological parents, but it didn't go back to family family the family is still the first one. Her dad is still very much. Okay that's when I had. The mom is involved sometimes.
Speaker 1:I like that. What I love about what you just said is that you know that's here. It takes a village, right, it takes a village to raise. Children in Paris need a village to who, don't we all? But the fact that I like, because you've had these children for so long and Especially as they're growing up like these, are those nurturing years, right, they become attached to you, you become attached to them and I think sometimes we separate that and you never see the child again. But the fact that you have relationship with and and join the village like this is really a village, because I feel like the more hands the better it is. Like you know, not one parent can do this alone, and I've been.
Speaker 1:You know, I've been a mom about the 25 years, or whew, I've been a mom and you know, the first, the first 11 years, I was married, but then these last 13, I have not. Well, actually the first, well, this last 14, I have not been married, and not only am I raising, I was raising my two biological children, but then, you know, my sister and her husband passed away, so then I had their two children, so went from Two children to four in a single parent home, even though I'm a nurse, even though I had like it still. You know, it was very hard, and not again when we talked about those resources right, not being able to get resources, because you know, what's the craziest thing I thought is Not being able to get resources. And you, the reason why they told me that I could not get extra resources for my girls, who were my sisters, and my her husbands is because they were never in the foster care system. So because I avoided that whole system, went and got Guardianship right away the next day after my sister's transition and I wanted to make sure that they never had to deal with the pain of foster care.
Speaker 1:But the state told me you, if they get in our system, we could give them back to you, we could help you, but they have to be in our system. And I was like they're not getting in your system. And so for years you know it was challenging. However, you know, like I said, they're about to be 16 or 18. Now I've been rocking out for 10 years with them as a single mom, but I thought it was crazy that they said listen, the only way I help you is you basically give them to us.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you got to be kidding. You want me to get these kids who both parents are deceased, put them in the system. We're trying to get kids out of the system and I thought that was the craziest thing I ever heard. I was like, oh no, and that's one of the other reasons why I started to get involved in foster care, to be a court appointed special advocate for kids in foster care, because somebody has to advocate for these kids, you know, and being that is like I wasn't working for the state, like Diphus or, or CPS or nothing, and I wasn't working for the parents. I literally was only working for the child. So I was kind of like a bridge and let me tell you, I checked them, I checked the state and I checked the parents, like because what we doing here?
Speaker 2:Right, and somebody advocating for the child yeah, for the system, not for the parents, and I think that's where the downfall is sometimes. The family reunification is good when appropriate.
Speaker 1:When appropriate.
Speaker 2:But every I don't want to sound like I'm coming off the wrong way. Every parent doesn't deserve to get the child back.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I don't know how to say that without sounding negative, but we're advocating for these children and it seems like the system is just they're pawns. All right, let's close this case. It's just another case number. Right, close this case. They're back with them. All right, move on to the next case. But you're not looking at the child as a person and not just a case number Right.
Speaker 1:And I think you said that well, it's basically not. Every parent has the capacity to be able to raise their children successfully, especially if they don't have the resources. And then there are some that you give the resources to and for whatever reason, they choose otherwise and we're going to have those people right. However, really I'm so big on resources Like let's it would help.
Speaker 1:But you know what, one of the things that I kind of see and kind of get frustrated sometimes, especially like babies, right? So the goal, at least for the state, is, you know, under, by the age two they need to be in permanency. Yeah, right, by age two. That's the, that's the, that's the gold standard. By age two they need to be in permanency, or they should not be in care for no more than two years, because they give parents the opportunity and there's just so many cases where you give them opportunity after opportunity and I feel like it just drags out sometimes.
Speaker 1:And these kids are, you know, I did have a family, though I will say this it's a this there was a baby. She was born with a Caucasian mother and a black. Well, let me back up the white family. They were married, there was a husband, a wife, and there were multiple kids. They were married. The mother was addicted to drugs, like any drugs that you can name or make up, Right. So the baby was born with everything in her system, right, and the baby came out black. So the mom had the baby from her dealer, not from her husband. So the husband didn't want the baby in the house, because this is a black baby, and so they couldn't let the baby home. Well, they couldn't let her home first of all because it was every drug in a system, but then, once they, they let the baby home. So what they did was they let it. The baby was a neighbor across the street. A neighbor across the street, so it couldn't go in a physical household but can live across the street. So who?
Speaker 2:placed the baby to the neighbor across the street.
Speaker 1:The state, when discharged they released it was one of those, a safety plan. You know those safety plans. So the baby went to the neighbor across the street and then the mom was wasn't allowed to be with the baby by herself. But there were instances where the neighbor allowed the baby to go to the house and then you know no, that story in the craziness and the state ended up taking the baby totally.
Speaker 1:But this kid I've had, she was my client and I had her for almost three years still in the system because they kept giving the mother chance after chance after chance. But the interesting part is that again, when we talk about disparities right, I see, you know where a Caucasian mother will get so many chances but then a black mother would not get it, cause I've seen it with my own eyes is like we've given this mom so many chances that every time she come up she got some dirty urine. It's always there, she's never. I mean, I witnessed sitting in there on a visit, because I would go to the visits, because I'm trying to make sure that see what's going on, if this kid should be.
Speaker 1:I'm sitting in a visit and she is holding the baby sleep. She's asleep because that's how high she was. There we were in court and the judge said to her are you high now Right? And I'm like how is this woman keep getting chance after chance after chance? Eventually that she did. She did get adopted, but it just was a long process and sometimes people give up on a process.
Speaker 2:And that's very so. She was in foster care that entire time.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:That's very on the foster parent. Have to keep going through that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, so you had asked earlier. We have 600,000 kids and you wish more people would get involved. But it's stuff like that. Why are you giving this woman chance after chance when she has clearly shown you right and she's not capable of?
Speaker 1:never had a clean urine in three years.
Speaker 2:So you're just going to keep putting me through like I'm just a pawn in your little act, putting me back and forth through this Right, because this child deserves to be with her mother Right. Her mother is not showing or trying to change to get her child back, right yeah. Here I am every day caring for this child protecting this child feeding this child doing. I'm loving on this child, but you're putting me back and forth through the ringer. Yeah, for what reason? Right To say that you want this child.
Speaker 1:And that's what the question earlier is like are they better off with the bio family or they are not, and in certain instances they just don't have the capacity to do it. So there are people that try they do everything that they can to get their kid back.
Speaker 2:For one reason or another, they still can't get them back, right, but I'm trying, I'm meeting all your standards and I'm going to all your meetings and I'm doing everything you're asking me to do. Why can't I have my kid back Right? And there's the other ones who you give 20 million chances to, and they're blatantly showing you. I don't want this.
Speaker 1:Listen, we released a baby back into parents that lived a mom that lived in a house, a mom that lives in a hotel, a motel, right, and I was like how we? I mean I just I couldn't understand it and they wanted me to go and make sure the motel was safe. First of all, the motel is across from a crack house. How do you want me? I can't tell you if the mom is going to go back on crack, I just leave the baby in a hotel one night while she goes across the street Like.
Speaker 1:I can't guarantee that. So it put people in a like a crazy position. It's like you want the best for a kid and I'm always going to say listen, this don't make no sense, it doesn't. But it ended up giving the baby back to the mom and I was so hurt because I felt like this was not a good environment for to be raising a child. Like, can we get the mom out of this environment?
Speaker 2:Are the resources that she needs to get up out of there to provide a better environment for her child.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Your goal is family reunification.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Was the outcome positive.
Speaker 1:I mean it was ended up. I mean the mom, you know she got herself together, but but not a lot of cases. That's not the case.
Speaker 1:So I think, even though I mean kids, man, they just be. They just need love, they need nurture, they need a sense of belonging, they need safety. There's so many things they need and if we can resource more parents, we can get those things. So I like, I love, you know, I love. I like the foster care system, I like the thought of it. Just like with everything, we need tweaks.
Speaker 1:Because I will tell you that during COVID we lost a lot of children, and it wasn't to COVID, through abuse, through neglect, because when kids were in school, people were able to see them, they were fed, they were able to recognize abuse, they were record. But when these kids were home, dealing with the day in, day out of parents who weren't able to do it before COVID now in COVID may not even have a job and just the stressors of parenting, there were a lot of children, lives were taken, and that's when I was like tag man, if the system knew they would have got them kids out the house, right, because that's when I'm like, okay, wow. So I do see the point of the system, I do see it, but I also just wish that there was a better way to equip parents so that it could be less in the system and those who do come to the system are able to be adopted, if not reunited, at an early state, so that I mean, I think, when you look at it, it's pros and cons to everything.
Speaker 1:Right, Right there.
Speaker 2:The system is designed to be of help, but part of the con is too many kids Right, Not enough help, help yeah 600,000 kids, that's a lot.
Speaker 1:That's a lot.
Speaker 2:So there has to be a happy medium somewhere.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because I had this awesome program designed to help kids and I'm sure whoever came out originally came up with foster care. There was this ultimate goal in mind to just help kids and reunite some or provide a home for others.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But then we got inundated with more and more kids and not enough resources and places for them to go.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Some of them can't go back with families, as we already said.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Some of them go with foster families and it don't work out. So then I'm back in the system.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I just got. I was down to 10, now I'm back up to 12. All right, right, so the number just keeps growing, but there's no way to outsource them. There's nowhere for them to go, right. That's when we run into problems. Yeah, I don't know how to remedy that, what the solution to that is, but back in the what 30s, 40s, maybe even before then, they had orphan homes, you know, and we got away with that.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Kids don't deserve to be institutionalized.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Right yeah.
Speaker 2:So now they're not all living in an orphan home. We're trying to find individual homes. Mm-hmm and it's just not enough.
Speaker 1:It's not enough, and listen. As we just said, it's hard to take care of our own kids Sometimes.
Speaker 2:Too, is a problem.
Speaker 1:I remember like I really wanted. I said I wanted to have a group home, right, particularly with teenagers, though. I really wanted to have a group home because it seemed like I could relate and I could understand them. And again, a lot of people wanted babies, not, a lot of people want the teenage years, and I said I wanted to group home. But let me tell you, once I got my girls and then I had four kids in the house at the same time. Guess what? No, because it is so it sounds good.
Speaker 2:It sounds good reality of it it's hard. But take more than you to do it. So now you got to get a whole, get a house. You got a structure, that house, and you got to get, I'm gonna say, staff.
Speaker 1:Yeah. You know, because you can't do that by yourself in order to meet all their needs. It is, you know. So this whole village. It takes a village to raise children and parents need a village, is so true? Um, so how do we, you know? Do you think that you would foster again?
Speaker 2:The heart says yes, have a mind says no yeah. I guess that I'm still involved with yeah. So I'll always have them right. The idea of starting over with a baby, absolutely days are going the midnight feedings Right diaper bags. We way behind that stage in life. The teenagers scare me, yeah, because I am a single woman and I don't again. I don't want to look over my shoulder right because you upset with me and I got to hide my knives, or you accuse me of doing something because you were mad at me right.
Speaker 2:I already said, I'm a pediatric nurse.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:That's my career on the line.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:The kids they do that. They get mad at you and in line say what she did? This to me, mm-hmm, I never did yeah you know, but it has to be investigated and yeah, it is so a lot.
Speaker 1:Um, I had a. I had a. It was a group of um, it's a group of six kids. It was a torture case, right, and um, they lived. It was from the grandma. The grand parents adopted them and was torturing them.
Speaker 1:Um, so, you know, the kids were taken away and everything and they were dispersed to different homes. You know, the two boys were somewhere and then the four girls was somewhere. Actually, it's five kids. Three girls were somewhere and they were in a good home, a foster home, and the teenager you know, again, teenagers are going to be teenagers Just couldn't get along and they had bounced, they had separated from her siblings and had bounced her to different places. And but, this one particular foster Mom, she ended up gotten her. It was supposed to be a respite and she ended up getting her and, um, she was 16 and she, she, she's done so well with her that she actually adopted her. Right now, you know, 16 year olds don't get adopted in a system, right? What I forgot, what we is something, uh, unadoptable or something they call them. And but what I loved about this mom, this is a single mom and um Godfair mom, single mom.
Speaker 1:And not only did she take her right over a little bit time, she went and got her other two siblings, so the other girls who were, I think they're now eight In 12 maybe. So 17 Eight and 12 and eight, I think that's what they are. But anyway, she adopted all of them.
Speaker 2:So they were able to stay there still together, and yet they are still together.
Speaker 1:She's raising them on her own and she just adopted a baby, too, from the system that she was fostering for.
Speaker 1:Uh, she was fostering him for Two years, so she ended up adopting him and then but she would I like about it. What I love about her is that what she did was Even the sibling that she didn't adopted the boy. But one of them is now over 18, but the other one, who was, I think, 17, she allows him to come over, so that's her son too. Even though he lives in the system, he's still in foster care, but they had, like family nights and things like that, and they're the kind of people we need in foster care, right. They're the kind of people who understand what love and nurturing is, and even though Not every, not everybody, has capacity to raise these, raise these, listen, but I feel like Sometimes in teens they get such a bad rap, right, because of the things that come with them, but it just takes certain people to really get to that child, um, for them to really.
Speaker 1:You know, because most everybody said no about a 16 year old, like nobody, but the fact that she took her in and then she adopted her and it's such a beautiful family.
Speaker 1:I always feel like god what he could be with what you mean, yeah, absolutely, and I and I'm hoping and my prayer is that more people do foster, because and then adopt if necessary, you know, make forever homes.
Speaker 1:You know everybody, everybody wants a sense of belonging and, um, I feel like the earlier you get it, the the stronger your foundation is and these kids won't repeat the cycle.
Speaker 1:Won't um Deal with a lot of things I had, um, I was speaking with a group of Teen moms last friday in mount holly, new jersey, and a group of teen moms uh, teen moms, as a teen 14, 14 through 16 was this group and you know what the interesting part and I think, what was even more Sad, it sucked on my heart and said these kids can't or in the foster care system.
Speaker 1:These kids are in group homes. So it's like they've been through whatever they've been through with their parents and, for whatever reason, they became prudish, or is they became, you know, because these are the results that we see that a lot of kids that are foster care, particularly teenagers, they end up having babies at a young age and and they're repeating it though, having multiple babies, and I just thought about like wow, had these children been. I mean, teenage is gonna have babies though. I mean that's what it is, but just to see be sitting around with a group of them and they were just lost and they were just kind of hopeless because they're in the system and then now they have a baby and they don't want their babies to end up in a system, right, so that they're really trying to figure out this parenting thing at 14 so that they don't repeat this cycle have going on right now you're parent and you're trying to yeah Things that were never taught to you.
Speaker 1:Right. So I think you know, I think God for programs that are out there that are actually trying to yeah, it is. Yeah, the resources, that's what we're talking about. These resources, how do we get these resources in the hands of the people? How do we stop building the prisons and build communities? And I think that's really the answer and I also feel like, at some point, we can't rely on the government to do it for us.
Speaker 1:So, as we said earlier, it takes a village to raise children. Like the government didn't tell you to go, continue to be with that family, right, None of those families. They didn't say build the village. They didn't say they're like okay, you gave them back. That's them. But because of your heart and because of the heart of people and understanding that, for the love of the child, we need to build a village, because we want this child to be, so several and people say, okay, I understand what you say. However, for the love of the child, we need to be able to build a community. So that's my prayer, that's one of my desires is that we can really equip parents to take care of our children and equip the parents who want to be parents to take care of the children and just really resource people, but just trying to figure out what's the greatest need and really even starting like with your program you just did with those teenagers starting classes, like they even still do home economics and man, I remember that we learned so much.
Speaker 2:I mean just basic learning how to measure, cook food for them and how to do balance a checkbook, and how to go grocery shopping and how to clean and how to sew, and basic skills like survival skills that will help you to help your child so that you don't end up repeating the cycle. You may not get the fanciest job or make a whole lot of money, but you have basic resources that you can provide for your child Basic stuff like that. You need to just go back to the basics.
Speaker 1:I think that is so. That's really good. I had another speaking engagement Shout out to Making a Change Group. Making a Change Group and Chester. I had the opportunity to speak to about 30 parents and we were literally talking about different things like morals and stuff like that and just equipping parents like making a change group. They do a lot of things with the youth, but they have cohorts where they have parents be educated for certain things. So I think that was such a great opportunity and I'm actually going back again April 9 to the group of parents, but little bit at a time like here. A cohort of parents getting together trying to figure out the best that they can do and giving them the resources. And then I also, on the second Saturday every month, I have a parent in village. It takes a village to raise children. It takes a village to raise parents. Parents need a village too. I still need a village, I'm telling you, because, ooh, I'm kids Make you feel like you're not in this thing alone.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Because Susie and Johnny going through the same thing you do.
Speaker 1:Right, these kids, they're going to be kids and we're going to be parents, all right. But just like certain things, like I'm trying to put my best out there to do something, even though it's only once a month, but it's a time, come on in, make it on Zoom. Make it on Zoom so that you know it's on Zoom. The second or third of the month.
Speaker 1:So really. So let's talk about what we're not talking about in a safe environment where you're not being judged and that the state ain't coming in and talking about, oh, why you do this or why you do that. Really, let's talk about it because there's so many parents. Again, a lot of us share some of the same experiences and if we don't talk about it, we don't know about it and it was so taboo, I think, at one point in time, to admit that you were struggling.
Speaker 2:Right you were a kid. But if you don't talk about it, then you don't realize. You're not the only one struggling, right, you know. But whatever you're going through or went through, you might can help me. Absolutely Get through my go through. That way I can help the next person Right. But if we all walk around acting like life is so great, the kids are so wonderful, it's a facade.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and not that we're struggling in one way or another with these kids.
Speaker 2:You know, so it's good to have those resources and those people that you can talk to and bounce ideas off of, and if that's enough and I was, bent. I just have to get it off my chest. I still love them. I just don't like them right now. I don't like kids right now. And then once you get it off your chest and someone says you know what I do the same thing, and I tried this, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm going to try that, like mother knows best. I'm going to try that, see if that works really. Mother knows best.
Speaker 2:But if you don't talk about it and get it out there, then you're never going to get out. Things are never going to change. You're always going to walk around in this cloud like life is so peachy-key, but you're never going to get to the real issues and help and you know resources or whatever that you need if you don't talk about things.
Speaker 1:That is so important Because one of the kids, the one who touched mine, the gangster I was asking her. I was like, how do we become better parents? How do we communicate, how do we, you know? And she says, let us talk, talk to us. So, communication and talking like not just you, you know, listening, mark and orders, yeah, listening to each other and listening to other parents, like you said.
Speaker 1:Really, you said I've been doing this parenting thing for a while and I hear stuff from other parents I'd be like for real, or I'm going to try that, or I give information or whatever. So it does work if we just continue to be a village and a team. So our time is up. Can you believe our time is up? Thank you so much for coming on the show. It was a great conversation and I think it opened up a lot of questions that people have about foster care or questions about if they want to get into it and don't want to get into it and actually the need for it as well. And I think the transparency about getting attached to the children was a real. It was real because you know, and you said something that was very it hit me when you said I would question if you would not get attached, because we're human.
Speaker 2:How do you not have someone in your house?
Speaker 1:and you're not.
Speaker 2:You know, you have a dog in your house, you won't get attached to that dog. How do you not get attached to the kid?
Speaker 1:So I think that that opened up a lot of conversation and I think we can still have more conversation in regards to this, because it's definitely a needed conversation. Listen, y'all know, here at Parenting with a Purpose, we talk about what we don't want to talk about. Right, we have engaging conversations because, honestly, in order for people to grow, we got to get into it, because the goal is for us to parent the best way possible, right, giving our children the best thing possible, and it's not necessarily again, we're not talking about material stuff, right, because we just need the. Can we get the basic needs right Of security, belonging, you know, nurturing those things that are so vital in child development. I think that people won't really understand how vital these things are for child development, for growth and maturity. So I thank you for the conversation today.
Speaker 1:I just my hope is that people would do to do more People, period, people do more. Communities, resource more, figure this out, come together, be unified, be a team so that we can best help our children. You know there's a saying that children are the future. I feel like children are now. Can we do it? We got to get these kids now so that they can have a future.
Speaker 1:So if we can start tapping into resources and resources and people so that they can better help raise their children Again, parents are the bowls and children are the arrows and they will land wherever we aim them as long as we equip them, give them the tools that they need to survive and be successful.
Speaker 1:And whatever success looks like in your family, you know my success is not your success. We have different goals, dreams, aspirations, but I believe at the end of the day, we all want our children to do well, period. We want our children to be safe, secure and able to live the life that they will love to live successfully, without harm or danger. So join me next week again. Parenthood with the purpose of. I am your host, donna Janell. Have a great night.
