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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Molding the Minds of Tomorrow Amidst Tradition and Innovation
Have you ever reflected on the complex dance of shaping a young life, particularly during those tumultuous teenage years? This week on "Parenting with a Purpose," I, Donna Janel, alongside insightful guests Bryce Shelton and Savion Thompson, dive into the rich layers of influence that mold our children. We tackle everything from gender roles to the powerful forces of religion and society, sharing stories and wisdom on guiding our youth with intention and heart.
As we peel back the challenges of modern parenting. We discuss the delicate balance between tradition and technology, the quest for authentic success, and the art of nurturing each child's individual path. Our dialogue weaves through the importance of open communication and the art of negotiation within the family dynamic, striving to foster environments where both respect and individuality thrive.
Concluding with a contemplative note. With guests Bryce and Save You enriching the discussion, we celebrate the victories that come from the trials of raising independent, expressive individuals. This episode is an affirmation of our dedication to parenting with love, understanding, and the recognition that through the challenges, there lies the beauty of transformation. Join us for a conversation that promises to resonate with parents united in the transformative act of raising the next generation.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
you. Hey, welcome back to parenting with the purpose. I am your host, donna Janelle, where we I strive to bring back the responsibility and nobility and beauty back into parenting. As I say every week on the podcast, parenting is not for the week, it's challenging. It'll have you to take your clothes in, have you go get your hands laid, knowing, and get some anointing oil on you. You're trying to seek out something because parenting is not for the week, particularly if you have those terrible two and a half threes and then you jump up into the early teenage years. Man, I'm telling you we need to take a moment of silence just for the teenage years, because I'm telling you that's the, the challenge that I'm in now with the two 16 year olds and the 18 year olds challenging.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I question my parents and, matter of fact, not some, I don't know. They make me wonder if I'm doing something right. It can't be me. Why are they thinking like that? What's going on? That's exactly what I have a conversation every day in my mirror saying if it's something wrong with me, because who Y'all know? I keep telling you about that one that test my in the gangsta. Yo, she's, she's in it to win it. I'm telling you, she ain't letting up, she ain't letting go, and I'm not either. Sometimes I just want to let it go, but you know me being me, we go back and forth. Again. For this night, though, you know all, pretty much all year We've been talking about um, you know, talking about the vision for the parenting.
Speaker 1:Uh, what is our vision in parenting? Because you know, we don't write the. If we don't have a vision, we're literally fall apart. Well, there's no structure, there's no strategy, there's nothing Right. So writing a vision for your family in the beginning of the year is so important, and and sit down with the family and write the visions together so that everybody knows and we're on the same team, right, I did that with my kids, but I'm not on the same team. Maybe we on the same team. They just don't know how to play that part right, okay, maybe, yeah, okay, we on the same team. They just don't know how to play that part right. Some of them, oh, but nevertheless, I still, we still wrote the vision together. They wrote their vision.
Speaker 1:And then we start talking about other things and as regards to how can we parent best, and I don't know if you guys recall, but this is part two of raising our black boys, or young black boys.
Speaker 1:We have a bright Shelton and Savion Thompson here tonight. They were here early in January and the conversation was so intriguing, so thoughtful, so it was so provoking that I thought it would be smart to have them back around here again Again. I think, because for me, particularly being a female and raising a young black boy, I can't do it all. I can't teach him how to be a man and there's some things that that goes on in him that he doesn't even want to probably share with me because I'm the mom, right. So I think it's so important to have an open conversation with some young black brothers so that we can see what's going on in their mind growing and they're not too far off to scale right. They're not too old where they can say well back in the day because they they still kind of young. So we get like a fresh eyes right, it's always good for a fresh eye. So welcome back to the show Y'all, how y'all feel about coming back.
Speaker 2:Feel real good. Thank you for having us back for really good.
Speaker 1:All right, so we're going to get into. We're going to talk about the last show. What did you guys think about the last show?
Speaker 3:I think it went really well. It was a. I went back and watched a couple times. It was like you said, pulling out different, different things from different parts. I think it was very introspective to see the two sides in the same vicinity kind of having this receptive conversation, and that doesn't usually happen in Different households. It's important to like make space for those type of things. It's really yeah.
Speaker 2:I can definitely say we had a lot of fun, so it was definitely a lot of fun and I even showed it to my mom and she thought it was pretty cool to like seeing it. I'm like two different perspectives and you know stuff like that. So I had a lot of fun. I'm happy to be back.
Speaker 1:Now, did you? Did you because you guys were primarily raised by your mom? Did your mom what kind of feedback, like you know, because we had touched some issues about being, you know, made to be a man kind of like before you even know, kind of who you were or whatever, and what? Did they touch any of those things? They had any questions or did they? Was there any further conversation?
Speaker 2:See, with my mom she it was a little conversation, but you know, she, she's, she's kind of like she's a little stubborn, you know she kind of stuck in the way. So she, she felt what I was saying. She was like nah, you know she's like.
Speaker 1:I said what I said. You was taking the trash out, you was doing this, you was taking care of your siblings.
Speaker 2:That's what she's like. I understand, but nah yeah, how about you?
Speaker 3:Um, my mom, she was, she was pretty proud of that. We've already kind of spoke about things as I've kind of saw how it related to me and our situation.
Speaker 1:I am at the point where I'm like you know mom can like really sit down and talk about these different things and like where stuff came from and how different things affect like the present and in long term type of stuff.
Speaker 3:She was overall really proud, though.
Speaker 1:I think so. Well, a lot of people don't know one of the reasons how I connected with you, bryce. Not only that I've seen you growing up in church, you know, but your mom came to me and you know, she, she, um, she watched my podcast, she heard about my podcast and she asked. She say this was in the making for over six months, though.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was like that is cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it was.
Speaker 1:It was making for a while because she was like, um, you know, like she was explaining to me some of the conversations that you guys had and she thought that it would be very good for the world to hear your perspective, especially parents, and because she's learning, you know, through this whole process and she was so open for it and I thought that was awesome because, um, for a mom to say, hey, my young son has something to say, you know, especially when there has been some some, some conflict and some trauma, a little bit even in a relationship of it, right, and still say, listen, I understand, I'm getting some understanding of what happened and trying to one of the statements of one of the shows that she, um, I think we were going to actually tie to, I was talking to your mom and she titled um, the undoing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was the undoing. Cause, yeah, cause, she explained to me you know, when you're, when you're raised a certain way and tradition and generational like you, parent out of that way, and then when you realize you know we're having a son like you, when you're able to have open conversations, and now the undoing was being done, and I thought that was like a hot topic too, cause I never heard like we hear like, oh man, um, we got to fix ourselves, right, as parents like, all right, we messed up a little bit, but not really having a conversation with our children Like listen, this is how I was raised.
Speaker 1:I apologize for this because I really did it out of ignorance, right, cause this is all I know. But having an open conversation to be able to say, listen, I messed up.
Speaker 3:That is what fixes it, like to say, I want you to have a voice, even if it isn't what I would particularly like. Think of a conversation about this going to. It really comes down to being open and like receptive to new things and, like me and my mom's relationship has really uh, lots of conversations, just because, even when I was a kid, I wanted to know my parents like personally. I wanted to know, like, what were you doing when you were 20?
Speaker 3:I was very curious and you realize that a lot of uh, adults kind of, as you get older, you get like certain curiosities or certain passions like beat out of you, whether it be through ridicule or people's opinions or physical things, and it causes people to kind of, instead of being like, oh, this person is ignorant to this, they take it on as like, oh, this is a meat thing. So then it goes down the line and a lot of fundamentalism as far as like when it comes to like the church and how it has been more of like a tradition like that. There's a lot of different ways that Christianity is being used.
Speaker 3:And when I was younger, church to me was the fellowship in the music and at times you're in a preacher, because the first church I went to was not as clear as the one that was very Methodist, who was very thou art.
Speaker 1:Okay, you're like what we speak, a whole nother language here, right?
Speaker 3:Very old English and even then, like we're not English. So, my thing was. It was like understanding how we used it and how it became like a thing that kind of circled around the development of, like different families, I think, because certain churches can be so dichotomous either with us or it's like a complete. It's just the way certain things are.
Speaker 1:Some what I've, what I realized in my years of living. It's not a lot, much older than y'all, but even I feel like some organizations church as an organization of a whole some are more religious based and some are relationship based, right, and what happens is if you haven't growing up in a relationship-based family or anything like that, it's kind of hard to understand the relationship with God, right, because you haven't seen it. Like you like relationships are mean, angry, ignorant. Cursing me out love and hate is in the same sense, right.
Speaker 3:Especially if, like, there's a situation where it's like a um, your parent may hold certain, certain like, there's only a handful of approaches to self-expression that are good.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:And there's, it's only in this circle. And the human, just the human being, has such a range of emotions and thoughts and ideas that it it's kind of constricting to put people into that circle if they're not, if that's not the way that they look at things, and it becomes more of like it becomes like a fear-driven kind of indoctrination out, of trying to bring security and safety and some type of level of, maybe purity, community, but it's, unlike you said, like relationship-based, like family.
Speaker 3:Also feel like it's more about having a personal relationship with God and figuring out what that means to you, right? And understanding like looking back in your life and seeing some of the things that were divine and kind of being like, oh okay, I understand how like this was something I couldn't even think of, but it came out. But it came out of this long kind of trudging journey beforehand, right.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of times, particularly when we look in the African-American population, culture, when we talk about a lot of times people don't want to talk about religion or relationship with God right. Because traditionally, generationally, has left a huge scar on African-Americans right, particularly Christianity, right, yeah, you know, because the slave master used the word of God to yeah. So it kind of like, why am I going to believe this? Because this is what you've done to us, right?
Speaker 3:And the thing about that type of because there's some Christians that believe that, like, white people are cursed because the sons of him, because, like, but I feel like those things and the way you realize that people kind of pick and choose in the Bible with their own what's it called, in their own ministries, and it's all like theology, right, it's all like. This is my interpretation. So it is like you said, it's very scarred, it's very strange. Sometimes you're only learning from some somebody's perception that is pretty far removed from you, right, and it like in that, in the process of engaging with that for a long, long time, you slowly start to form that bubble around yourself, around self-expression, around what you may deem as fulfilling, and it I've seen it like in many different families, like it.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes, as from a parent perspective, you know, as a mom, um, especially like at least for me and there's a lot of other parents that I talked to and when it comes to religion and relationship, whatever faith they are, um, it's all out of love and pretty much saving our children, making sure that they don't go down the wrong path. If, like you know, because if you don't stand for something you're going to fall for everything, not even just anything, everything Right. So I know, really earlier in my Christian life, I, I was so like rigid, right Cause I just was like, listen, I don't want this to happen to my kid, I don't want that to happen. I'm sitting and I literally was like so restrictive in their living where, um, like I see it now I don't, I'm not as much now, Now I have the, you know, I felt like my oldest daughter. She went through so much so that the younger kids could kind of benefit from her Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like you know, I know that I've seen the eldest daughter and like it's yeah, you think that you, they think that you're a school and the rest of the kids know we learn. I learned from you, just so you know. I learned what not to do. So now I'm not as restrictive my parent. I mean. My goal is to make sure they have a personal relationship, you know. But I'm no longer um so restrictive. It was like you have to do a, b and C? Um in order to please God, because that's not even what the word says Like. So teach me understand that a little bit better is I'm able to teach my children relationship and things better because even early in my walk, like I was, I restricted myself for so much um, just because of what I thought and what I heard.
Speaker 1:Right, I remember when I was very, very young now, um, my parents, you know, separated very early, but I do remember, if I recall, maybe about five or six years old, we had went to a church and my dad you know he was in the church and my mom went and actually the pastors was cousins of ours and I'll never forget this and this would make me, uh, I was so scared by this job my older sister, um, she had highlighted well, actually didn't have highlighters.
Speaker 1:Back then she had wrote in the Bible like she had like a line underline in the Bible, right, she got the beating of her life Right. And I, like you don't ever write in the Bible and I'm saying, but the Bible sitting on the table, both open, ain't nobody touching to Sunday? But that's what I'm saying in my mind. I'm thinking that and, um, I just never forget, cause I just was like yo, she got in trouble for trying to understand more like underlining and things like that, and that was something. So that's when I seen, when I was a kid, and then, you know, then I didn't go to church or anything like that until I became much older. But even that right there sometimes scars or kids just, and I think it's based on what they've learned Right.
Speaker 2:And I would say like, even with like me and him, like we met at Christian school, like we didn't even so, it was like a thing with us when we was little, like we didn't even get to learn anything else besides that, cause we were just born, and then I just see him at Christian school. It was just we never learned anything else besides that. And then we were going to church and pretty much every day of the week at one point, and but when we would go back home it wouldn't be like it wasn't like the same stuff that you were preaching in church, so it would kind of throw us off. You know what I'm saying. But then I see like a lot of people now our age are starting to get back with their relationship with God because they went through the same type of experiences when they were younger.
Speaker 1:Right, it's like you say one thing and then you do another. That's kind of pretty much the whole parenting thing too. It's like I want to public. You better do this, Cause it's like yeah.
Speaker 2:It's like now, like I remember younger when I, if you, if you couldn't even talk in church, but like you are you getting beaten when you get home. But nowadays I'll go to church and like people, got their phones out and stuff man.
Speaker 1:they got iPads on me for a long time. Instagram and stuff and I'm like dang like I'm scared to put my phone out. This ain't, this ain't.
Speaker 2:Not even hearing them more.
Speaker 1:I remember years ago, no cell phones, no iPads. And then I look at all the kids got iPads.
Speaker 3:They got earphones and stuff. Now I'm still the mom that my kids ain't getting none of that stuff in church because I, because I've seen. Honestly they need. I feel like they need that.
Speaker 2:They need what they did not have it. Yeah, need to not have it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, I thought you said they need that iPad.
Speaker 3:I was going to say right, so that now we don't need the iPad, that they don't need the iPad or the phone in church.
Speaker 1:Kids listen and they hear and I know they're sponges. So I think that if we give in some of giving them an iPad, giving them listen, first of all, you're not touching my phone. My phone is a computer, just a phone. We'll put a phone app. Okay, it's a computer. Clearly you're not touching my $1,800 phone. We just not doing that. It's not a game, okay.
Speaker 3:It's just not a game we not doing that.
Speaker 1:But I see it time at the time again. But I remember I never allowed my children to to have any of the devices at church and they were able, even at such a young age, to have a conversation with me about because when you think they're not listening, they're actually listening Right. And even now my son, who's very quiet and more shy, he deals with like a lot of social things and he'll be on his phone. He use it kind of as a tool so that he doesn't feel like somebody's watching them and things like that. But even to the point I'm like okay, even if you're using that, what you, what you playing the game?
Speaker 3:on it.
Speaker 1:That's just ain't gonna work either, like you know. So I think the ideas that we have as parents are really driven originally, driven from how we were parents, how they're what we seen. You know, we had the conversation right earlier about food, clothes and shelter, and I brought you in this world. I'll take you out this world right now. Who did not sound crazy?
Speaker 2:But that's the thing and it's like we talked about on the last arts reflect the times. Yeah.
Speaker 3:And that just came out and that he grew up in that as well. They that was just how it was.
Speaker 2:And I like how we talked to like on the last episode. I feel like it all just trickled down from like slavery Because, like you said, like even with the Christianity being brought into the slavery, and that now the, the like the, the whipping the slaves and that now you did. Then you go to church and then you're getting you talked in church. Now you're going home and you're getting beat and it's like then that's another thing, come from the food, shelter and clothes thing. Like from the slavery is like that's all they gave us was barely, barely food, barely shelter and barely clothes. So it's like yo, that's crazy.
Speaker 1:I have a conversation because the three younger ones I have. They they're very, very open and vocal and they not. You know, they try to be in their most respectful way and sometimes I perceive it as being disrespectful, but that's not even their heart and their attentionality behind it.
Speaker 1:However, some of the stuff they say, like yeah, they be like oh, you know that whole conversation of like we, the same people know I'm your mom, you know well, basically, this is a slave mentality here, like they start talking about well, that's when you're actually when the boy's down to. It's like the master and the slave.
Speaker 2:They're like, they're having this conversation Like no, no, no.
Speaker 1:But then, in those conversations, though, I realized that you can't control anybody. And as parents, though, we sometimes get frustrated that we can't control our kids, and then we start to hit them and beat them and realize that you still can't control them.
Speaker 3:Then that like even to think that you have to control a human being. That idea sounds like.
Speaker 1:Slavery there you go.
Speaker 3:That's why growing up is very. That's where that restriction comes from, because a human is born with aspirations and curiosities and stuff like that and you're socialized to kind of be drifted off this way and drifted off this way. I remember a lot of the anguish that I would deal with in like middle school was being around like people who were like see it's a good way to put it. The conventional way, the conventional like manhood. It was very.
Speaker 2:That was the nice way to put it, the conventional manhood.
Speaker 3:It was in the nice way they do is we get mad at you because, like you, you weren't validating your manhood the same way. Right, and that's weird. It's like I wish that it was, but that's like your. You get that idea, you get that ideology that, like people should be like me or we should all be a certain way. And it it's because, like not, everyone goes back and looks and like why, who gave me that definition and why do I? Where did I get that?
Speaker 3:like nervous tick around these certain situations and because really American society is so hustle and bustle, you and not a lot of Parents or people, really I'm still kind of getting like, as I'm starting to work more Making a schedule for myself to kind of disassociate from work and like go from work mind to personal mind, because I see it's that whole, like I said, hustle and bustle, it's a, it's annoying. And it when you don't want to bring that home, and I can imagine how it is trying to transition from that and like Then tend to a child.
Speaker 2:Yeah, me and him were just talking about it recently. We're like man, I don't know like I under. I understand my mom be a little angry, like I could do a long day of working and come home and then it's like a kid there. I'm like man, that is. That's definitely a lot to handle.
Speaker 1:And then as parents, we get into that dictatorship mode, right, we start telling them I'm guilty of it, I still I try my best to kind of work on it, of like, not you know, understand that, even though my kids are in school all day and they could be tired, they could be, you know so Saying that just better be done by the time I get home or whatever. And you know the one that tests my intergang. So she constantly challenge me. She's like listen, I need a break, a break from what I was at school they are. You was on a bus with 30 to 45 minutes.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to understand why that wasn't enough break. So what she has to come in the house and she has to get her, such as to get her something together right now the other kids coming to house and do their chores right away. Right, not this way, and it's not even like this is just something she just started out, this is just her life Like it. But for me, being that parent who says from what I've learned growing up myself, listen, if I say something, you do it. Right, and it wasn't so much Me I would never dare talk back or say I'm not doing it or not have it clean by the time my mom got home, because there would be severe consequences, right, but I say severe, but I mean even to the point where, if she came in the house in the middle of morning, three or four o'clock in the morning, oh, every dishes out of your dishes are done. You get woken up, not in a nice way, you get woken up, you know. You get woken up, you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you gotta go handle your business and as a parent now, and I'm just like. I didn't like it as a kid, but now I see sometimes like if I ask you to do something and that's all you had to do, and I come and it ain't done. Like, like you had you had enough time you sleep, and that's why it's not done. Yeah, but at the same time, I think oh it'll be understanding the context.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Now that, like we're getting older, starting to notice like it's like, granted, we are making money, but it's like dang, I do kind of wish I was rather in school sometimes. Yeah, I'm like dang, this is, this is. This is a long day of work, yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm like I definitely understand that and I remember we was talking about like a Children and parents being equal.
Speaker 1:I will say Okay, I'm based my seat on on. I'm ready.
Speaker 3:They are not equal.
Speaker 1:Oh, you're my side, but it's about default.
Speaker 3:You're you're an adult. Having a child, of course, is not gonna be like equal intellectually.
Speaker 1:Right, but surely I think kids sometimes think that kids that do it because they like Kids.
Speaker 3:I mean and I can't speak for everybody, because I, because I was my mom, she I had like a bit of a traditional of bringing, but I, I I Didn't make me Like one of the things I was talking to him about this in the car, like my mom may have not have like Supported this, a certain aspiration, because it may have not aligned with her values, but she also To be educated. Always made sure I stayed on my education and she all that affirmation you can do anything you put your mind to.
Speaker 3:So every time I got into something that I was curious about, it kind of just rang rang, true, but kids and I think there is a I don't know. Like I was a pretty, I was defined at times with that. I was heard inside.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was a lot of. It was a longing for connection.
Speaker 3:It was a longing for understanding. It was a longing for Just like. It's like that feeling of being connected, like I never had a dog in the house. And sometimes you feel like you are Third, sometimes you feel like you are having dinner with this married couple or you're having dinner with this older woman and it's like Because it, because the author, the authoritarian at times, you, you grew up being set in this like I am above you, I'm over top of you.
Speaker 3:and then there is Parents that will want to be like buddies right, yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like I for most of our relationship.
Speaker 3:I only know you being a dictator, so I don't you there was, and you even told me, like you weren't one of my little friends, right. So I never thought of any type of friendly interaction and I never was raised with that at all. It was do this, do this, do that right? So the whole foundation of our environment is you telling me to Jump here and jump there and how high and stuff like that. And it's as a kid I wanted to be in a more human relationship with my parents instead of like.
Speaker 3:Yeah, just being told that I should do things because Something they feel and I understand that like you want the best for our children. But I often see Like I want the best for my children but the idea that you're pushing that may be the best for them. Like I feel like it should get a bit more reflection on how it Alligns with the kid and how they need or just because, like I said, kids will show you stuff like, and I feel like, art.
Speaker 3:It helps you understand yourself and help you see how you relate to the world and there are so many different ones and kids can Find that for their own, but I know in the black community be pushed a lot of sports and a lot of entertainment. That's what's important. So, and a lot of times, like education is sometimes uses pain, like if you don't do this, I'm gonna make you read.
Speaker 1:Oh, talk about that right here.
Speaker 3:And I got that and I know it's gonna sound crazy. I got that from dr Umar.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I saw him.
Speaker 3:Dr Umar. Analogy with him is a broken clock is right twice a day it was like sometimes he'd be good on like foundation, but sometimes he gets too theatrical.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but yeah, that is good because I think about yeah, education was used as a threat. Then, actual, I'm gonna make you write a thousand cents, a thousand years thanks for the day to happen.
Speaker 2:all the time I got pretty good penmanship.
Speaker 3:I don't mind that, but it was still draining. But that's the thing, mine and I.
Speaker 2:But yeah, and that like leads to like I always want to talk about too, like with the, because I granted our parents did do that, because there was parents that didn't really care and wouldn't make their kids do that, and we were talking about I think a week's, we were talking about the like the school to prison pipeline, but it's like where like? It's like, uh, every three, I believe it's like three out of four kids that can't read or more likely to go to jail.
Speaker 2:Yeah right so that was like a crazy thing to me too, because I didn't really think about it, and so I really like thought about who in my class Was like not excelling and reading and selling down where they are. Now it it lines up perfectly, so you know that's why we press the issue about education.
Speaker 1:So I think sometimes you know, as parents, like you may, something. You said something I want to go back to it. You said um, parents want the best for our kids, um, and that we should be able to, um, allow the kids to express themselves whatever way that you know that they need to pretty much as long as it's not harmful, yeah the law is not harmful to the same thing in my mind hit because even earlier my friends and it wasn't that I just wanted the best for my kids, I wanted the best for them.
Speaker 1:That work for me I want you to do in your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that ain't just you. That's like, it's like majority yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that'll validate my ego if I can look at my child or I could be like, yeah, my kid is doing this, but the kid may be miserable keeping up this facade. And a lot of people don't really look at the kid because it's like why are you being a bad kid, not Validating my ego?
Speaker 1:In the parents and we don't realize that sometimes. I remember again my older daughter. I learned so much from her and, like I said I think I mentioned before she told me that we live the porcelain lifestyle.
Speaker 3:Of course, and I was like what, what?
Speaker 1:It's almost like she cursed at me say something like that, what you?
Speaker 1:mean a porcelain lifestyle like, but it was because, yeah, like, so, like, fine china stuff, but in actuality it was literally you're creating this, this, this narrative, right? Um, externally, but not really diluted deeply internally, like you're putting. You know, I put her up on a pedal stool, right, you know she I mean, she achieved well academically, right, because I pushed her. She used to say, mom, you, my manager, you're a momager, like you know, because I used to just like and it wasn't because I didn't have that Education growing up, like I've always strived for education and I felt like education was always the key to get get out of, um, poverty and things like that, right, so I've always pushed education because that's that's the only thing that I feel like I grabbed a hold up Because I didn't have, like other things, emotional, you know stuff like that.
Speaker 1:So it's like yeah it's like something I can control, like I can control what I learned, right, okay, so I had that on my daughter and I wanted her to see so Uh, so well, because I didn't see that around. So I'm like I'm, I'm the one you know first. One went to school, became an herself. My daughter's gonna be the first one to do this, and my daughter, it was all ego.
Speaker 2:It was all it really was.
Speaker 1:Now, now I look at it, I wanted the best for her, but I wanted the best for me. And and that's what parents look at it sometimes, and and now I don't do that it's like what you wanted. Like I told you, my one is about to go to marines for real, okay, like. Back in the day I would never allow listen to me, never allow my child to say that they were going in marines which won't know you going out. Are you about to be a doctor, a lawyer? You know?
Speaker 3:because the other things that I felt like was more, or successful, right and and success is different for everyone and I I acknowledge that when you look at like the doctor's, lawyer, stuff like that, like my mom, my godparents were actually uh, my godparents are my godmoms the english professor, my goddad is a math professor like he would tell me, yeah, back into skeety, I used to sit and do calculus after school like he's you just love that, that's not me. And my mom would just be like, yeah, you can talk to your godparents, you can talk to your godparents I like talking to my godmom About because she I love reading, so she put me on. She kind of was a big inspiration on like reading Tons of after art everywhere cool.
Speaker 3:Cool. And my goddad? He's just real wise. He has a lot of like. I'd rather hear more about his stories as a person than math, yeah and I think I don't know, every like everybody finds what fulfills them sooner or later, and they may.
Speaker 3:They may get somewhere in a couple years and be like I don't like this, but at least they learned and they can go somewhere else and they don't have to kind of Deal with that now. But it's okay to chase curiosities. I think, uh, if you you Bring your child up engaging with their curiosities over and over again and letting them Grow and branch out, they'll find their niche, they'll find what they like. So in their 20s they can probably go Gunho on like the top three ones or the top five ones, and whatever works works. Whatever doesn't doesn't.
Speaker 3:And I think People like people find their own way. Like there's there's enough people that want to be doctors, there's enough people. And that's the thing about society. Like because of ideas like that, there'll always be another doctor, there'll always be another lawyer, there'll always be Some dentists. Like I remember when I used to, when I was exterminating, I uh went to this person's house and the lady had Her uh daughter was like yeah, class like 20, 38. I'ma be a dentist, little girl, and like second grade, I'm like you think she's gonna grow up. I mean, she might, she might, she's still, but it's. It's like man, it's like like you, don't you still? You don't even know what you like to play with Right Even know like your favorite type of things.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I think it's just, really just, and who knows, she may just be a very curious child about being a dentist, and that's.
Speaker 1:I think you learn like what you like, like. I think as a child, like she might have went to the dentist and felt like that was a great thing, I wanted to be a pediatrician because I love my pediatrician. She was a great pediatrician. She was kind, she was sweet. I remember and I wanted a girl to be a pediatrician. I'm not a pediatrician.
Speaker 3:But I'm still in a nursing. I'm a pediatric nurse, right, that was about her kindness that was about her comfort. That was about the type of effect that you really wanted to have on people.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's what I pulled away from that. But I feel like our kids as a parent because now you know, I keep looking at it and I'm having conversations with kids and open conversations with other adults and I feel like it is so crazy that how we, as parents, really want our children to live the life that we want them to Like. It's one thing to say you know, I love you, I care for you, you could do anything you want to do, but within this, within this, within these couple things is what you need to do.
Speaker 3:You know like, and I've realized- some of it is like I want you to do this, because if I was you in this situation, with these resources, with these opportunities, that's what I would do and that's cool. But you, you can't make that your child's thing and I think it's really hard for people to disassociate from that. But I and and like and I think one of the reasons why my mommy was talking to you about like when I stopped looking at trying to be the best, this for whoever, whatever when I stopped caring about all that stuff, because I always had like a fight with it, like I was always me, but every once in a while, like just crazy stuff, crazy stuff, just like I remember like having books and just not being like hyper, hyper occupied with like women and stuff like that. It was seen as like a homosexual thing. But what if I grew up in a family of women that I just like see as human beings, people that have raised me, people that have like it isn't, and that's the thing, like I said the way, and that's the thing.
Speaker 3:You can't cover everybody's teaching in masculinity because a lot of it comes from school, from peers and stuff like that, and maybe sports, but it's just understanding, like who your kid is and really checking in with that and seeing, like a, how they feel about things, how they're reacting to the world, seeing what's on their mind, seeing what ideologies they have and, like you said, like not being so. Oh, it should be like this more so, like if they say something inside of the line, well, why, where does that come from? Where? How long have you been into that? Or?
Speaker 1:things, absolutely the question.
Speaker 3:Absolutely. Just let it be a more for curiosity. I was watching this. There's a guy I love on YouTube. His name is FD Signifier. He does video essays cool black dude, glasses, long locks and he he started a podcast not too long ago and he was doing one where he was taught he was with another black father and they were talking about black fatherhood and he was saying, like the other I don't remember his name, but he's a pretty popular creator Like he's bald. He's bald like a beard. He has three younger black children.
Speaker 1:That's not a hundred black people, that's not a hundred black men. Oh, one of his sons name is Uzi.
Speaker 3:It's like it's got like a couple of African names.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, like oh and my cousin.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's, I have to find, find his name or something, but it he was talking about being authoritative or having authority without being authoritarian, and it really is like and that was one of the things he was talking about Like if his son comes home from school and he says it's called belief in fatherhood, okay, that's his ad and he's he's really good at emotionally engaging his children. And he makes kind of like animated skits out of like he'll add like power and all this stuff and stuff like that.
Speaker 3:And but it's cool to see because, like he was even saying, like he goes to his children, go to Christian schools. So he was like and they pick up a lot of right wing ideology and he'll come home and his son will be like well, we don't like them because they don't believe in our God or we don't like them because they're not like us, stuff like that. And the father was saying like, well, where'd you get that from Right, where we don't hate people just because they believe different things, and that's why, where'd you get that from? So, stuff like that and like, engage me, because it happens in school as these kids grow up, and it's not just men, but just for the sake of just the topic, there's like some dudes still to this day see, being like all dominating. Is Jack dude with, like all these commercially superficial things.
Speaker 1:It's a bunch of stuff that they've gotten from football lockers and definitely, or even the superhero movies, though Like it's not even just like it's football and sports and if you notice like and well, times are changing now and you get to see, like you know, I thought I was amazing seeing their creditables like the whole family was strong, like the kids are strong, but growing up you didn't see that. You see that in the Hawke a man, strong like you know, not even just strong but terrorizing and you know, fighting and killing and stuff like that.
Speaker 3:Bell Hooks was talking about how the incredible hook showed a lot of men that it was okay to resort with violence if they were angry. So and she was talking. There was a study about when the incredible Hawke came out and they were asking boys what would they do if they were Hawke? And they said they would smash their mommies Right.
Speaker 3:So they were like fake, so it was it became a thing where like masculinity is seen as like you're supposed to be angry, you're supposed to be violent, supposed to be dominant, you're supposed to be domineering. But how was? How good is that for your family dynamic? How good is that for your relationship with your family, your child, your brother, your sister, your all? This If you feel like you have to constantly uphold this status quo, it's exhausting.
Speaker 2:And I've seen.
Speaker 3:I've seen men just like in passing talking about certain things and just keep living under that and they're very angry and I'm like.
Speaker 3:You don't have to live like that, like you don't have to be like that or think like that, like it's like. Especially when I hear dads, they're like yeah, I don't change a diaper, I don't do none of this stuff. Or I don't do like we're not we're, because the same thing that makes men think, oh yeah, I don't have to change a diaper or stuff like that, that type of gender role ideology, the same thing that tells people that, like women are naturally nurturing it's. It keeps us in. These things that are one track very tunnel.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think definitely don't allow, like any overlap right, any type of partnership that is.
Speaker 1:that's the key right there, because I, because you know, a family is a unit, like we're partners in this and and I think that that's where we lack sometimes as parents, we forget that we're partnering with our children and we partner with God. Like I think you know, as a mom, like I'm still learning how to partner with my children, how to you know, you know they have their opinions. I listen to them, but sometimes, like, honestly, if I get frustrated because I don't like what they're saying, like I'm ready to shut it down.
Speaker 1:I want to talk about work, like honestly, it's like listen, especially because, again, I have two, two of them well, not even two of them like these last three. I'm trying to tell you they, they're so opinionated and they, they're really smart and I take a lot of things that they say and they house in my parenting but at some times, like they can negotiate, like they, some, they, some negotiators, like they should be a movie called negotiators starring my three children, the three youngest ones, because I've never seen kids who try and negotiate so much.
Speaker 1:I will see that movie Like I'm telling you like because then I give, because after I said something for a couple times and I'm like you know this, and then you want to keep trying to negotiate this Now and I'm like this is not a negotiation, and then I'm, I'm getting angry, get out my room.
Speaker 3:I want to talk to you.
Speaker 1:I'm not lying, like sometimes, like you know, I've been at school all day and I'm having a conversation with you and I'm trying to have an open conversation with you, right, but then you see that it's this right For example, my one that touched mine against her the other day. She came in a room and she said Mom, can I make me a small pot of Alfredo? And I'm like no, why would you make like? You want to open the jar, use half of it, put the jar in the refrigerator, right?
Speaker 3:No, like, if you're going to make Alfredo, like, how about you make, make, just make Alfredo.
Speaker 1:Well, why? Why can't I do it? Well, well, first of all, let's just get this straight it's eight o'clock at night, so that's the first thing. Secondly, you cook dinner the day before and there's still some chicken legs in the refrigerator that you didn't cook. From there they season, you season them and everything. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm like so you baked chicken yesterday I said so, eat what you cook. Yesterday she was like well, really, what's that feeling that you don't make a whole meal? She didn't have mashed potatoes, broccoli chicken she's the chef, she done cooked it. It's about four chingalets left that you could cook, right, so that you get if you ain't like, you don't even need the Alfredo like they in the refrigerator. She says well, what's the difference of me cooking the chicken and me cooking Alfredo? What a difference is that one's chicken and one's?
Speaker 1:not right up and it requires like sauce and yeah, so you want to open a new jar of Alfredo just for your one meal. So we're going back and I'm trying to explain her. I know that just not that doesn't, yeah it doesn't add up first? Of all who cost a lot of money and the jar. You know when you open a jar like it's only a certain, like you can't you can't just leave it there for a couple days, are you?
Speaker 1:the air gets to. It didn't become molded stuff like that. So I'm and I'm like, first of all, this is a cracker. I'm not explaining you about a molded jar like. What we not doing is this, so I'm trying to take you by, like chemicals, and I was like I had an energy or oxygen enough to break down why you cannot cook just Alfredo tonight. Yeah, that's so she's going back and forth with me and I'm like yo listen, no, we're not doing that. Well, why can't listen now? I'm mad now.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna say, yeah, that's not mad because I already explained to you in the nicest way possible and you keep questioning me. So now I'm like you know what? You don't eat no dinner tonight. You had an opportunity to have a nice good dinner and first of all it's eight o'clock so you should have already ate dinner anyway. Oh, I was in my room studying so I forgot. Our time went by and I'm like no listen, you eat what's already down there, or you don't eat at all. And then, oh, so you gonna let me starve.
Speaker 2:It's already food down there.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you that negotiation and then try to blame me. I'm like you started this fire and you mad that is going to blaze. This is the problem.
Speaker 3:I see what you mean by like Tessie in the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like After a long day of work.
Speaker 1:I would just yeah, I would.
Speaker 2:Just all I would say is because I said so, that would have to throw one of those out there, and I did because I said so After a little bit 8 pm.
Speaker 1:Yeah, at that point I just want to take a shower, but that's the thing.
Speaker 3:That's the context of the myth. A lot of kids and I was saying this, I'm like, I mean I have a full time but it's, I don't know, I never, and that's another thing. Work never seemed like it validated my manhood Like I never was like. Oh yeah, I work makes me a real man like that.
Speaker 1:That's not.
Speaker 3:The whole provider thing. You provide because you you want to support your family. It isn't like to extort your manhood is now you're not playing uncle Sam and like using your power, but it's a like this understanding that Get like working. It Definitely like changes Energy and when you get home it's. It's definitely probably very hard to Understand to explain to a kid, cuz I didn't really understand it until I like went through a couple weeks, couple months.
Speaker 3:And I was like hey, this is like yeah cuz like I was talking to dudes who was 22 with like Three year old and I'm like, oh Nah, bro.
Speaker 2:No, I do not.
Speaker 3:I want to play in and like. Like. There's a certain way that I want to like. And Back to the FD signify podcast. Like the dude in there he was talking about the way he engages these, his children is because he's trying to Raise thinkers right, and I want to do that the same way as well.
Speaker 1:Like yeah, raising thinkers. I mean they think it all the time. You're gonna get what I get. Like that's me, I spy and so I'm tired.
Speaker 3:Or so it was, and they were older than me, so and I like not having the dogs, it was just me and music instruments and books and yeah, and so I wouldn't. I'm gonna be laughing Because I know kids don't have a lot of like. They're not like intellectuals at nine or like 15 or something they are.
Speaker 1:So I have some of the best conversations with my kids like they really provoked me to think I mean. But I think they use that against me sometimes Because I'm so open and you know you can say anything now. They're not disrespectful.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, but at the same time it's like yo, enough is enough. You know, it's like I feel like there's such a line in parenting, right. It's like sometimes you too far over this way, too far to left, too far for the right. It's like you just want to kind of have it balanced. But it's really situational, because Just what you're dealing with in life and what they're doing in life and I always try to make sure that I don't take out what I'm dealing with on them but at the same time I'm not a punk either.
Speaker 1:It's gonna be punk me and I feel like, you know, sometimes my kids think that I'm a punk and I have to keep reminding them that I Live in Chester PA Like they don't you know you're growing up, we are growing up, but y'all don't really realize that I can get it.
Speaker 1:So and because With my parents and because how I was parenting, you know we always a lot of parents that I'm not gonna raise my kids that way, I'm not gonna do this, and what happens is sometimes we we overdo it and sometimes we underdo it. It's like it's very hard to have a balance, because you want your kids to have the best of the best, but then you also want them to have challenges too, so that they can build, because those challenges is what built me. I don't want them to be hurt, but that's part of life and we can't shelter our kids from everything. But at the same time, I was in school today Right, was it today and a couple of miles was in there talking about what they got their kids for their birthday and the stuff that these kids get for birthdays now and it's like crazy 13 and 15 and 16 years old, like Yaga.
Speaker 3:It's like wow, the miles was in there complaining, right.
Speaker 1:They was like they spoiled, they spoiled. So I'm listening to the conversation, right, and you're telling me all this stuff that you did for your, your daughter's birthday. It was, it wasn't just one, it was, it was a couple parents. So finally, my professor was like well, let me ask you a question who did all that? Oh, oh, you brought it. Oh, you did that. Oh, so you blame it out for being spoiled when you're purchasing.
Speaker 1:You're doing the word and and it was mentioned what I don't I want my kids to have more than I have. And Somebody else said well, why, why, why it's and that's, that's.
Speaker 3:Uh, you just talking about like, yeah, being Like parenting is like trying to find this balance. There's a notion, well, concept, that I read in a teak not Hans book called no death, no fear. Teak Not Han is a old Vietnamese Buddhist monk and I I.
Speaker 3:Picked up no death, no fear to like help with grieving, and it's helped a lot. But it just introduced me to a couple concepts in Buddhism. One of the things was impermanence and the fact that, like we're ever changing, like the clouds are not the same Clouds from day before, the water and the riverbank is not the same that it was an hour ago. So that's kind of how we should engage each other, like understanding that, like Stuff, just we are.
Speaker 1:I think we gotta be really flexible with each other. Like, oh, definitely. I think, like you said, when we, when we have this idea of like restriction and just this one way of thinking, like this tunnel vision, it really deprives our children, even ourselves, of really living our best life. Like it creates a lot of press of stress and anxiety To try to fulfill or meet an expectation that you're not even meeting yourself. And I feel like, as a parent like I constantly have put expectations on my kids. Um, well, they don't have the capacity to even fulfill them. But the expectations was because it was really because I felt like this is what I wanted. On based on how I lived in my past, how much work I've done to try to make sure that they're successful, but not really understand it. Like listen, they don't want to. Like.
Speaker 3:Everybody has different like strengths and weaknesses. So, it's like you may tip them too far this way, tip to too far that way, just Trying to Like that. No, you do want the best for your children. There's, there's different ways to go about it.
Speaker 3:I that's probably the best thing say, I think, um, like you're saying, like figuring out how you were raised and like the things you wanted to do and like how you didn't want them to go through what you had to go so in lessons that you've learned from, like you know you're upbringing, like I know, one of the things that helped me and me and my mom was just like Looking, because a lot of times parents they will like kind of raise your child the same way that you were raised.
Speaker 3:So when I would have stuff that was bothering me and I would talk to her about those things and she would feel the same way. It would be, it would be you understand more that like you didn't have to be authoritative, because a lot of times children just want to be connected. It is not like most kids aren't defined, just naturally they may be a little mischievous getting to something, but I don't know like, especially like how you, how stuff is interacted with, with teaching, like I saw this video little kids like on his little what's it called two wheel, one wheel, whatever it's called play wheel, and they're like on the table and the dad's like, hey, you gonna fall or you'll hurt yourself.
Speaker 2:And tell him to warn you.
Speaker 3:And he's like moving forward. And he's like I told you already, I warned you and he fell and he starts crying. He was like I told you you're gonna be okay.
Speaker 1:And that's the thing, cause it's like it's not gonna kill him, right? And that's the difference between a male and a female, a father and a mother, because the mother is gonna go over there. She's gonna dive and get the child up and be like we're gonna tell you one time, and then we see that you're still doing it. Oh, we coming up there and scolding you, Well you're not even gonna be on this bike anymore, cause.
Speaker 2:I don't want you to hurt yourself.
Speaker 1:But not realizing that you learn through experience and we as mothers, like we really try to shelter our kids so they don't have to have certain experiences and I've noticed fathers is like listen, you need that, that boy needs that or that girl needs that experience. But because the way that we are as mothers, like I mean we push them out, like I want nothing happens to my baby. I want nothing to my baby and realizing that it's really done a disservice when we don't allow our children to be able to experience, like I don't want my kids just to be here existing, I want them to experience life Right.
Speaker 2:And that's where we like went around near the end of the last episode that we was on with too, like I talked about, like kind of not specifically like letting them fail, but kind of like, you know, letting them get that experience on their own, and kind of failing on their own type of thing, rather, cause my mom, she would, every time I try to do something new, she would just automatically hit me with the most pessimistic answer possible. Like if I say, oh, I want to go to this hotel, she's like well, don't go there, cause what if somebody starts shooting? I'm like what if somebody doesn't?
Speaker 2:What if I just go and find out on my own and something's going to happen. You know stuff like that.
Speaker 1:So it's like yeah, it's like that protective, but it's like that, yeah, but it's like that. It's like, yeah, it's fear, it is really a lot of us parents are, because, I mean, look at the world, though, for sure.
Speaker 3:A lot of us are parents out of fear. But I think it's really crazy on her. But also I feel like if you, if you are instilling your child certain things, certain disciplines, like I'm like, even with saying stuff like that, yeah, like I know to keep my head on the floor, yeah, we would put our, we wouldn't put ourself in a situation we raised to a point where we wouldn't try to put ourselves in that type of situation.
Speaker 3:Anyway, could be something. But that's what it some people get into those places because it's like a connection thing. Those are just their family members and just their friends, their peers. But you like you said, it's about really being enriching and really making sure like everybody, like everybody wants the best for their children and it it's important that we, if we can instill in them to kind of figure out the world too, Like what to look for in the world. You don't have to necessarily say, yeah, it has to be like this, but like, just give them tools and resources so they can start to become more use, more attuned to those things, Like we do it.
Speaker 1:Words I think that's good, Like that's one, and I think that's where, cause we don't have a part three. You know that.
Speaker 1:But I really think I like that point of view about really giving them the tools to be able to think for themselves, to be able to be useful, to be able to figure out things. I think that's so long that we I don't know this helicopter parenting or you know just being so out of fear. We just want so much for our kids, but really a reality. We just don't want our kids to screw up and then somebody look at us and say, well, we do wrong.
Speaker 3:That's right. No one really looks at like that definition of when people are saying like what's best for my kids. Nobody looks at like what that really means.
Speaker 1:What it really means what's best for my kids Not what's best for me, but what's best for our kids. I think that's where we're gonna pick up on the third episode, really getting into the emotional part of it. Right, the investment of what it takes. What tools can we invest in ourselves and our children so that they can be successful and they can be feeling free and not restricted? I mean, we all everybody needs a little bit of a fence or a gate around them, but, however, a gate is not necessary, meant just to keep things out. What happens is, with a gate, it keeps us in as well, but we need to be able to be able to flourish and grow to the best person that God created us to be. So I'm excited to have a next conversation on the next show, because once we get in here, we just get there going and I'm so.
Speaker 1:It's such a great engage in conversation, though, because a lot of times we don't hear the perspective from young men. We really don't. A lot of times there's a notion that girls talk a lot, but boys don't really say anything. As you know, this is our second show, so it happens right, we be talking in here, so thank you guys for joining us. Parents with a purpose. Thank you, Bryce, thank you save you for coming on the show again and just talking about how we can be more engaged with our children, how we can emotionally invest in our children so that our children can be able to even express their emotions and not feel sad, not feel that it's a bad thing for you to be in touch with your inner self so that you can be the best. So join us again.
Speaker 1:Parents with a purpose I am your host, donna Janelle, where I strive back to bring the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parents and we know it's hard but it's still beautiful at the same time. Pain and love and growth and all that kind of is around the same thing stretching and, as you know, children out here, they out here, are testing her in a gangster. But we go and win parents. We will win. We will win Rock music playing.
