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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
The Tapestry of Black Fatherhood: Navigating the Nuances of Influence and Emotional Intelligence
As I sat next to Jahi Ross, I couldn't help but reflect on the weighty role fathers play in the lives our children's lives. Our conversation took us through the landscape of black fatherhood, offering a glimpse into the rich, often unspoken narratives that shape our sons and daughters. Jahi, sharing his own experiences as a father and entrepreneur, opens up about the unique challenges and victories that come with raising children who are confident and grounded in today's multifarious society.
Unraveling the complexities of parenting didn't stop there; we traversed the terrains of forgiveness, family dynamics, and the formidable influence of social media and music on our young. The intertwining of personal tales and shared wisdom led us to confront the harsh realities that young black males face, while also emphasizing the power of communication, emotional intelligence, and setting an example at home. This heart-to-heart discussion underscored the necessity for parents to be vigilant, proactive, and most importantly, present in their children's lives.
Finally, touching on the subtler, yet equally crucial aspects of parenting, we explored mental well-being, the power of narrative, and the importance of recognizing each child's individual needs. From discussing the significance of downtime and fostering personal interests, to the critical role of parental self-care, every moment of this dialogue with Jahi Ross serves as a reminder of the enduring impact we have on our children. So join me, Donna Janelle, on this episode of 'Parenting with Purpose', where we don't just share lessons—we live them, learn them, and lovingly pass them on to the arrows we aim into the future.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Yes, baby 21 enchaudas. Thanks for watching guys. Hey everybody, welcome back to Parenting with a Purpose. I am your host, donna Janell, where I aim to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. Parenting is not for the week. I say it every week. Parenting is not for the week, it's not repeated for the people in the back. Parenting is not for the week. It's a hard-knock life out here for parents. You know it's challenges in every stage of parenting. But you know we get through it, right. We get through it. I'm gonna say it again we get through it somehow. Some way. We end up, you know, doing what we have to do, no matter what goes up around us.
Speaker 1:I think it's so important for us to talk about, you know, what's going on in our society today, with our kids. How do we help each other, encourage and motivate each other, inspire each other to be the best parent we could possibly be? I don't think no parent wakes up and figure out listen, I don't really want to be a parent today. I mean, wait, hold up, that's a lie, because sometimes I'm ready to throw in a flag, sometimes I'm ready to throw in a towel because these kids you know I got these teenagers and they just be testing my inner gangsta. As y'all know, they test my inner gangsta. So sometimes after hour I wake up I'll be like you know what. Somebody else can have this. Get somebody else to parent today, okay, but we can't do that as parents because we always got to, you know, make sure that we're leading, guiding and teaching our children so.
Speaker 1:But tonight we're going to be talking about a hot topic that we don't really kind of talk about too much. You kind of hear this topic pretty much in the sports section. You hear a lot of black men talking about their children more or so in the sports arena. Not necessarily like what it is to really kind of parent a child and have to parent a female and a male in this world right now. As a black parent, I know my audience is wide, but I think this perspective will help everybody get an understanding of what we need to do for our children, the challenges that we face and the thoughts that we have as parents are really trying to send our children out into society. Now I told you before like our job is to close our children, not to send them outside naked, because the world will dress them with whatever they feel that they look good at, right, even though they look a hot mess in it, even though whatever they dress them with may even kill them. Right, but we as parents, we have to know what to put on them, how to dress them, what tools to put inside of them so that they can really be successful.
Speaker 1:And success is whatever it means to you and your family. You know success could be listen, this is the first kid that's able to graduate high school on time. Not conceiving, not making no babies, not none of that. Success could be this is the first kid to go to college. Success could be this is the first kid to bring a house. It doesn't matter. Whatever success is in your family, we want you to be able to be successful.
Speaker 1:So my guest tonight here is Jahee Ross. Right, welcome to the show, welcome to the show. And what I have, what we're going to talk about, is really parenting from the black father perspective. We hear a lot from the moms you hear from me every week, right, but I'm very interested because, again, we as females, we as mothers, we can't teach our children, our sons, to be men, or we can raise our daughters, but we can't really teach our sons how, no-transcript, to be a man in this world, and if fathers on the flip side can't teach their daughter how to be a daughter or a woman in this world. But I think that we have something valuable in raising both children that they'll be able to be successful in life even though you're the opposite gender of their child. So let's talk about it.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you for having me, and you smoke that in that intro. I think I'm here to interview you, but it's a pleasure, so thank you. So to start, yes, well, jaheei brothers, I do have two, two children, and one boy, one girl, my daughter is two years old.
Speaker 2:My son will be one next month, so my hands are full. As far as the dynamic of having a boy and a girl, I'm blessed to have both of them. I thought God would never give me a boy, just based off my trajectory of how I dealt with women in my life, but at the end of the day he did so. The dynamic has been beautiful.
Speaker 1:I'm blessed, and since they're so small the journey is really intricate.
Speaker 2:Everything like everything that I'm putting in their hands and I'm having them watch, I'm having them do like they're soaking it up day by day so that's just the kind of story and I can see how I can turn it like later later it's very gross.
Speaker 1:So give us a little bit about yourself, a little background about yourself.
Speaker 2:I'm 28 years old. I'm a licensed barber in Delaware went to.
Speaker 1:Delaware State.
Speaker 2:University from 2013 to 2017. After that, I've worked a few jobs just trying to figure out life, and actually I've worked in the UPS at the Philadelphia airport things didn't work out.
Speaker 1:Ups paid for me to go to barber school by $5,000.
Speaker 2:I took that I've been a barber for four years by solely so entrepreneurial. I've been doing the entrepreneurial thing. Besides that, investments like small investments, crypto, working on getting in another state something like that, and that's kind of just what I've been focusing on right now. Like happening solid family foundations, so I can actually build up and show my kids.
Speaker 1:Okay, and you mentioned you went to Delaware State. What did you go to Delaware State for? What was your major?
Speaker 2:I originally went into Delaware State for business and not really understanding what administration was me personally, I'm not an administrative person, so I'm glad, like the reason why I ended up changing my major I ended up changing into mass communications, pr and advertising. I'm glad I did, because I'm more of a. I'm more of a connector, I'm more of like I can put people in position and just like sit back and like be stuck in a position.
Speaker 1:So I graduated with a communications degree and PR and advertising. Oh, okay, okay, now tell me a little bit about your back up. How you grew up like? Did you grow up in a both parents household? One parent, how did how? And then you got siblings. What was the dynamics of you going out?
Speaker 2:I'm the oldest of three siblings on my mom's side. I'm the oldest of three siblings on my mom's side and my mom pretty much raised me. I have one of one uncle, her brother that pretty much like he. He took on the weight of being like a father figure for me my mom was married once and her husband was the father figure to me at the time. But after that they got divorced and it was just like with her here, with her there, and then I was always the man at the house.
Speaker 2:So, oldest of three siblings, like I, carried a lot of weight. My mom worked, like I said, it's not. My mom worked overnight for 10, maybe 10 years. Well, maybe from the age of 11, 12 I would wake up. I have to do do my sister's hair to send her officer to school. I would have to get my little brother adjusted, make sure he was off to school. My brother had his father, but when he wasn't with his father or my mom was at work, it was me. So I pretty much got to learn how to handle children at a younger age wow, you know, I had a couple young men on here.
Speaker 1:They're about 20, 21, they've been on here, they'll be back on the show and they were talking about being raised by a single mom. Being kind of happened to you know, be the man at the house, like, and they didn't they, they was joking around, but they were just saying how strange it was and how they didn't even know, because they're still kids, right, you know? And still even for as the conversation we talked about earlier before we got on show, talk about how to teach a young boy to be the man at the house, right, because when you're not even the same gender as that person, but even they've learned you know how to, you know, take out trash and all these other things, and they just felt like the weight was so heavy. But it's interesting, you said like this first time I heard somebody say they had to do like their sister's hair or something like that like yeah, look who he tells them all that, but yeah wow.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you a question. When you, when you were um, when you were doing that at the time, like now, we could look back and think about some stuff. We'll talk about your perspective, about that looking back. But when you were in that position as a child, like what did you think? Did you like?
Speaker 2:the biggest thing is like I'm not gonna say I didn't have time to think because I did, but I just thought it was like my job at the end of the day because it was me. It was always me and my mom.
Speaker 1:So once I had to understand like these are my siblings.
Speaker 2:We. I come home from school. I got to pick my little brother up. My sister's probably going home and being dropped by whoever she was and being dropped off by my mom. They get home to a certain amount of time. Maybe I could go with friends to the park, but I can't leave my siblings right. It came to a point where they was they like, they like on the tail with me, right.
Speaker 1:Um, I get like growing up, maybe when I was in high school, like I love basketball, but I could never play organized basketball.
Speaker 2:So I had high school. My mom couldn't afford to send me to like aid programs and I just never got the opportunity. So at one point in time I did think that I would.
Speaker 2:I was like, um, I didn't have as much as the next person but, I, also realized that, like my mom actually, where we actually had food to eat, right, right, right. I remember thinking that, like I never starved, like I remember I remember thinking like my life was so bad, like I remember I was like 14 and I'm about, I'm not about to do this, I mean let me get my life together like right because at that age nothing is that bad, right, I just stood at a young age you felt the pressure of life, like at 14, like, like you said, like you pretty much was being a father, you know.
Speaker 1:And then at that age, like you don't really had a concept of like different things and especially like you know how important this is or how important that is, you you knew that you need to be able to take care of your siblings, but then but I like how you said you put it got heavy. You put the, the knife to your wrist, was like man, I'm not doing that. Who made you say man, I'm not doing that?
Speaker 2:because it's nothing's really that bad right if I'm not in a position where it's. It's like somebody is pointing a weapon at me, like I had to control that movement, so why in the world would I do that? Like, not, like, uh, disregard anybody's feelings from maybe suicide or you know, need needs help in that area. But for me in that moment I knew like I got so much more to live for, like I think at that moment she might have had, like maybe I told me I couldn't go somewhere.
Speaker 1:Uh, right, right that you know she say no, you're stuck around and how's your moping and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:It was one of those situations for me, but I snapped out of it quick you're like I'm not taking my own life.
Speaker 1:Oh so when it, when your dad came in, we talked about a little bit. So what age were you when your dad came into your life?
Speaker 2:so I met my father. It's an interview situation. I'm with my father. At age 16, my father, so my father so drugged back. Then he ended up getting reported back to Haiti and he got reported illegally.
Speaker 2:So I think it was like 25th, not I don't know if it's maybe 2013 or 14 or something like that, um he had came back to the States just before the hurricane in 1880, he had a habit and, uh, he was in Philadelphia. So we got connected. He came back and we tried. We tried to be in a relationship. But my father comes from an older situation like he never had to. What right? So he has other, he has other kids, but he's never had the relationship and like the relationship we have. Because I'm older and I've really always understood and like even to this day, my dad called me and wished that he could do more. At the end of the day, I'm grown so I appreciate the fact that I can pick up the phone and I can call you. And if I pick up the phone and I call you, I don't want to hear you talking about what you can't do, right?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, you picked up the phone and that's all I wanted you to do because at one point in my life I never had I never was able to pick up the phone and call my father, right. I like that perspective because you know, we already know what the situation was, what happened. So now, how do we mend this? How do we grow from this? How do we move forward from it? Not necessarily hold all right, you wasn't there, okay, but you're here now, so so let's let's talk about what we can do.
Speaker 1:I think I love that because it sounds you got a lot of forgiveness in your heart and, um, I think sometimes we as parents, we get caught up on how we were parented, the things that we had and didn't have, and then we carry that to become. It becomes intergenerational and we carry that to our own children. So it's like it's either it's crazy, because it's like either two sides of it right. It's like the one side where you parent the way you were parenting right, where whatever lack you had, you start not really, because I think I know for me, like growing up when I was, I didn't like how was parenting right, so I kept saying, well, I get older, my kids are not going to do this, so I'm not going, I'm not going to do this for my kids, I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 1:And then you got some people who say that it ended up doing exactly what they parents did to them, you know, because they didn't get any healing in that, they didn't get any forgiveness in that. So I like the fact that you, you know you're like listen, all right, I don't need you both about what you didn't do. I'm growing out, like you know. I tell this all the time. There's a quote that I say like we can't choose how we were raised, right, but we can choose how we raise ourselves as an adult. Like there's no more excuses. Now we're not devaluing anybody, feeling that what had happened to them, but at the end of the day, you grow now.
Speaker 2:We can't stay there like we have to. At the end of the day, we gotta be appreciative for the time that we do have. So we're here and we were able to connect. Let's connect and move forward. We're not connected to talk about what was before right, I like. I don't personally have time for it. I don't like. I'm raising my own. I have my own family to raise.
Speaker 1:Yes, I love my mother and my father, but the most intricate situation is my house how did um the the way you were parented from you know not having a father, or even you know your mom, or even a stepdad or anybody that was in your life like did that have? What? Did that have a significant bearing on how you raising your own children now?
Speaker 2:No, not 100%. Okay for me, because I have a very strong my fiance, my fiance very strong Woman. So I feel like the woman that I'm with today is probably the woman that I saw my mom be.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay.
Speaker 2:Like naturally I kind of take a seat back because she's that kind of like more assertive, like you know how one is the good cop, that cop right right.
Speaker 1:I'm good cop. Oh, you good cop. Most dads are good cop. Wait, are you good cop to your daughter and back out to your dad, like your son or what Cuz cuz? You know your dad's be doing this. I'm a sucker for my daughter for sure but like raising my son.
Speaker 2:He's just, he's so small but like I'm still tough with him. But at the end of the day, like he knows, like oh, if I'm flossing for too long, it's like dad, come here, I got you um, so I don't even remember. Being that small with my mom is like we have us having a certain connectivity, like that.
Speaker 2:I just I certain things to me that stuck from my mom is like the house, these things, like when she come in the house. This is very good. So before I leave to go to work, this is done because I can't say that I didn't try to take care of something before I left, right.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's.
Speaker 2:I definitely picked up a lot of the household situations. I do the laundry in the house, I make sure I make up the bed, like that's just stuff that I have to do, and I picked that up from my mom the most, I mean. I'm staring when I can't be do my kids are just too small to clean very.
Speaker 1:I gotta put my foot down, right, okay, now, um, as you as your pension, now, like with thoughts like what do you think about? You know? All right, let's start with your daughter. Right, because you know, raising a black female in this world, raising anything black a black dog, a black cat, black black kids, like black on black on black, right, raising anything black in this world, just like, uh like you gotta take a deep breath before you even think about going out the door. You know just anything, so let's talk about I want to talk about your son and your daughter, but what concerns, like, what is some of the things that you really want to make sure that you, as a father, is still in your daughter, um, for her to be successful, and what are the things that you kind of worry about or concerned about, and raising a black female for my, for my daughter.
Speaker 2:I think I just can't get it out of my head that, like, like, how influential my social media is, I really have to put in her head us as a unit. We have to put in our children's head that, like, social media is not everything that it appears to be right and you don't have to live up to this standard.
Speaker 2:I'm torn because it's really social media, or it's the music and the music. The music, especially with, like, I mean, rap, has been always been bad. We've had treatment, we've had a little chem, but it's like we also have Lauren Hill and we also had Eric about Duke. So it's like we don't have no Eric about Duke. Even if we do, it's not in the forefront. So everything that they're projecting on on people, period. It's like, you know, the sexy red music, whatever like it's anything.
Speaker 1:They sexy because because she has her name, sexy red somebody.
Speaker 2:It's a narrative towards because kids, kids intake music the most right the middle school, high school those are the kids that's listening to that kind of music and they're believing the narrative.
Speaker 2:And it's only like that with our culture, with black people, because we look at music and say, oh, I want to be a real ninja, like he is, because he's, he's, he's told the gun and I can't tell that it's a problem, or I can't tell the money that he has it's fake money, or his jewelry is fake it's. It's just a certain standard that we have to set in a household so people can understand, our kids can understand. Like this isn't reality, it's. It's social media for a reason, it's entertainment for a reason. All right, white people look at our music and know that it's fake. But but black people we like. Now, I'm trying to be like who should? I see, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm trying to be that, I'm trying to be. That's what I got it like because the technology, I see it. Now. My daughter has a Tabby so she know how to scroll and all that kind of stuff. She's deleting apps, download and ask like. So I know it's the time that's one come and say, oh, my friends, be on tiktok, my friends.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Let me just download.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think you know you brought a great point about. You know the music because you know, when we were younger, I were probably you too like the music that was around the house, like you heard all types of music Like you did. It wasn't parents sitting up here listening to Stuff like this, like I. Never it wasn't parents listening to train it. What if they did? They didn't hear that. You didn't hear it though.
Speaker 1:Right, I know, when I was a younger growing a younger adult, early parenting I lost some little Kim like I could just quote like listen, little Kim was my person, but I never had my kids listen to little Kim. I never had my kids listen to Trina Um, but now it's parents who are listening to it. It's rocking in the house. So this is what I've seen. I don't know you. You see on social media, you see these tiktok trains. When these little kids, I saw the little girl, she had to be like three years old. She knew every sexer is on. I was so confused I don't even know sexy red song and she popping it and her parents is in the background. I was like yeah, go, and all the little kids around are dancing to sexy red and yo they popping like I don't listen. I have no rhythm. These three year olds got more rhythm than me. It's so concerning.
Speaker 2:I was like yo that's my biggest fear when it comes to my daughter.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's it's that scares me the most, but I'm such like I'm hands on, so If it even get like closer to that, we never know that. But Right, we ain't even like entertaining on that week, I we will listen to chill hop gospel, I'll beat you in the head way, but it's tough because, like when they, when they grow up, even if you do that, that's gonna push them in that direction even more. So, the biggest, the biggest thing I noticed, even with my siblings, um, and they were like my biggest, not I want to say test dummies, but it was like I understood. I got him in a different way.
Speaker 2:So, implementing in my kids. Kids feel it the most when you're not even mad at them when you disappointed. Yeah, absolutely, I know you know better than that. Like come on man, yeah, I didn't have to be here for you to make a better decision, like I feel like that resonates even more, so that's my.
Speaker 2:That's my tactic as my kids grow up, because I like when it was given to me. I only got that from people in school, like my teachers, who really understood that I was. I was like they saw beyond what was on my exterior. It should be a really mad, frustrated kid, but it was always like Like you, was an exclusive suspension for growing that cool man.
Speaker 1:You know, you know you won't be walking out of class.
Speaker 2:You'll be talking to teachers like that Mm-hmm, I just can't believe you. So I feel like that's that's more of an angle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like I know, even as they get older, like, like you said once, you put in that foundation. Now kids, you know, they get around other people, other peers, and they start. But I think that if we give them the tools and we dress them, we give them what they need, like they, they may go off a little bit but then they come back because I know, like when I deal with my girl, I hear the music, sometimes with my girls. By the way, it was a couple years ago.
Speaker 1:Beyoncé came out with a song. What was it? It was teaching church girls. That song church girls, right, and it was basically in the song. Like somebody brought it to my attention so I was listening to it and in the song it was basically teaching girls how to be a hoe.
Speaker 1:Honestly, if you listen to the lyrics, yeah, yeah, when you listen to the lyrics and it was talking about, you know she didn't want to like everything that her church girl is. She's going to do the opposite of. It was kind of like rebellion, right, but it was talking about how you identify somebody with the money and stuff, like that. The whole song really creeped me. I was. So I'm like are we serious.
Speaker 1:This is what we have out here and my daughter one of my daughters is a huge Beyonce fan, right, but it was so crazy because when I brought it to their attention, I said, yo y'all listen to this song? Did y'all hear this song? They say, yeah, we'll listen to that. And I was like, why not? They was like did you hear them lyrics? And I felt like a proud mom because, like they was like because I knew she was a Beyonce fan, but the fact that this song was so wrong and she knew it, she was like mind, don't play the song in this house because I turned it up. I'm like because I'm like we're gonna talk about this song right here because I know that you guys are teenagers, you have friends like y'all listening stuff like this. But to hear her say, like man, turn that off in our house, we're gonna listen to that and I was like, are you just?
Speaker 1:saying that for me, but I actually can see and hear what they're listening to. So you know, they use my tv. They got the Spotify on my tv, they have the amazon music. I can hear what their playlist is and they hear that some of that crazy stuff that I thought that they might be listening to they not even listen to. So I think, like you said, foundationally, if we teach them like it might seem like we've beaten them in the head with good music and stuff like that, but you know some of that stuff, the words, those lyrics, really carry our kids, because some of that stuff carried me, you know, and I think, like one of my eight, my one that's about to be 18, she loves, uh, lauren Hill, she loves Lettuce, like those, those people like that I mean, don't get me wrong every now and then she will listen to some some music. You know, try to watch her clean and try to pump herself up to keep her moving, but the foundation of it is so important. So I like that what you said, like really trying for our daughters, because there's so many things our daughters can get into. You know, uh, I know in the state of Delaware, like child sex trafficking is like top tier, like that is the number one. There's so many children. We have the one of the highest rate for being a small state of sex trafficking kids. Yeah, I mean, a couple years ago they found like 18 willard trucks down there um, lower Delaware, seriously, and uh, you see it over and over again. So one of the things as a pediatric nurse, what they have us do is, you know, looking out for the signs and stuff. Kids you know coming in different things. But yeah, so it's not not even like all right, social media is being used to get our kids to do different things. So, outside of the music, right. So then we got to worry about them, meeting somebody on there, playing with them, asking cat fishing, I think, do they still call it catfish? Thinking, um, that they something I had to. Um, we're gonna get on your son, but I had a um, a situation um that I had came upon, like just being working in pediatrics, right.
Speaker 1:So there was a young lady and I think I said it on the show before she was friends with this boy. They was like 13 years old, but it wasn't like the parents. The mom she's saying mom, the mom knew the young man. She thought he was a very respectful young man, very nice, and the girl. They wasn't dating or anything, they were just really cool friends like. And she didn't tell her mom that she was going to his house after school right, because you know kids like to be sneaky, so for whatever reason she was going, but she didn't tell her mom and they usually communicate. She didn't tell her mom she was going to his house. She went to his house, they in there busting up, he going to get something to drink, the dad pops out the closet, the dad pops out the closet. And now this girl is his girl, 13 years old, end up living in hotels having two kids by this man. So basically his son groomed her.
Speaker 1:Like you know, and I'm just like, and our kids think they know everything and not understand it. Like how important communication is, even with your parents. Like I have tracking devices on my kids, you know the phone, that's why I love my technology. Like you could, you can see where they are, yeah, location, but just those small things like that, because people are out here seeking these girls to do whatever they want to do with them. And that was just an example and I showed my daughters, I told them, I said, listen, this is what happened. And they was like, well, I wouldn't be dumb enough to go to his house. No, if that's your friend, you go into his house. Why are you playing?
Speaker 1:But just situations like that, it's like we got to worry about the music, we got to worry about somebody taking them, um, trafficking them, killing them, taking their organs.
Speaker 1:We got to think about so much with these girls that, um, it's kind of like you got to keep them real close to you, but not too close where they want to rebel against you. Yeah, I mean. So the parent is like, because you got to make unpopular decisions. You know, and I gotta tell you our parents, it's not for the week. I'm telling you gotta be strong, you better get a team, you better get a village behind you. You know, these football players don't play by themselves. They don't go on the field by themselves, do they? The basketball players don't go in the game by themselves. Why? Because you need a team behind you, because this is yes. So let's talk about your son, let's talk about what you want to make sure you instill him, and then the things that you may be concerned about growing up, uh, at rags raising him as a young black male so um for my son just he has to learn how to be a gentleman first like for me.
Speaker 2:I was raised by pretty much women like aunts my mom, grandma so know I have a like tree woman, respectfully knowing how to like, carry yourself with respect.
Speaker 2:I feel like that that you know how to treat a woman in turn teaches you how you should be treated oh, talk about that a little bit, break that down just because when you know how to, when you know how to just do the small things, like I learned how to hold the door at a young young age. So certain women like when I was in college I held the door for my fiance, she was like what? You going trying to look at my butt, but she's from a whole different place right so she's from New York, so it's like if you set a certain kind of standard a woman, a woman identifies like oh, he's completely different so I have to address him as being different, right, right, so that's like I had to learn, that like being older, but like it separates you from a whole group.
Speaker 2:So that's what I have to teach my son first and foremost, like respect women and obviously respect yourself first, but that's, that's like the key. It's kind of like the key to life, like just be honest and respectful. Um, sometimes I know in a million businesses who to stay away from and pay attention to the pensions and the songs, right?
Speaker 1:you know what I?
Speaker 2:mean that's that kind of stuff oh wait, why are you talking here?
Speaker 1:let me ask your question because I ran into a parent with this situation. So she has a boy, right and um, they live in a city, not you know, they don't feel it right. You know, philly, hard right and um, her son, I think he probably like 12 now and he was in school and these girls like these girls be picking on them, whatever. Like these girls, they bigger than him, they tough, whatever, and they would do different things to him and this particular day, even though this girl never picked on him. So he's sitting in the classroom right and um, the girl she hit him didn't hit him hard, hit him right. He well done, he got up and well done, right.
Speaker 1:So there was a discussion like you know, why was that okay for him to do that? The teacher was in the class and her back was termed, but he never yelled out help for the teacher, he never said anything, teacher. And then the mom saying listen, she shouldn't have hit him. But I'm like he's a dude. So my sister and I had this conversation because my sister's big on. You know, boys don't be hitting girls like, period, you tell somebody you don't. You don't know your strength, you don't know it all that. So what do you think about? Like you know, if your son is in a situation and a girl hits him, what would you teach your son to do versus you know it's? It's kind of like the mom was like, well, I don't want them thinking they could be hitting on him, but at the same time I'm like, well, I understand that, but for me I would have like yo tell the teacher, yo get this girl off of me, do something. Yeah, so what would you? What would you tell your son?
Speaker 2:like the biggest thing is, no matter who it is, like you can't swing it until your back is against the wall. Okay, so I'm not personally big on like the telling thing, but it's like if you in school, we're not in the streets, so like it's a way to do it, it's a way to handle everything. So if you get to the point where you, you, you bowled up, like you can't even get there because naturally we are like like we're emotional people, people are emotional period, so you gotta, you gotta speak up for yourself, so you have to like you can't, you can't put your hand on, I think, because one of the concerns we had is that as he grow and a woman does some, he want to jail.
Speaker 1:He might go to jail for life. He might even kill it, because you don't know your own power. You know men that they're stronger than women and you know that's we out here working out. You know there's uh 12. Yeah, because in the school threatened to say he could, they're gonna send him away to a school and you know they want to send our black boys away anyway. So they was like they want to send away and we just like, well, well, no, no, no, let's have a conversation, but it doesn't help if the parents like yo, he won't if somebody hit him he won't hit him because then now you're sending your.
Speaker 1:You know, everybody parent different, but I'm just concerned about what? Are we teaching our boys, even as far as like when you said being a gentleman, very respectful and kind? So what if somebody's not respectful and kind to you? What? What are you in that position? Like? What would you tell your son to do? Like so?
Speaker 2:if I'm personally going back to the situation that that that young men have like both his marriage yeah, it's his mom.
Speaker 1:It's father in jail so that's, that's a.
Speaker 2:That's a problem in itself because being raised by a woman, I understand, I understood that and it took me later to understand that my, I was overly emotional, like women are just emotional period. But being raised by one is different because, um, it's kind of subconsciously you, you inherit these kind of emotions and then you internalize them so partially, partially, that's that's kind of issue. And for him but restate the question, again.
Speaker 1:So if you, if what would you tell your son? Like if he's in that situation, yeah, young black male. If a female hits you, what do you do?
Speaker 2:You gotta call somebody. Like all right, you will alert the people and then, when it's the one and do time, you need to call your parents because we need to have a conversation with everybody. Like no, this isn't happening. You need to pinpoint everybody who's giving you a problem and that's how you will leave your problems. Like when I was in eighth grade, my mom came to school with me for a whole day because I was like I was like it was bad, like almost like she got out of school and hit me. But my mom had to come and get some understanding, Like who's giving you a, who's giving you an issue in here? And it wasn't like she had to say nothing, she just gave people that look.
Speaker 1:That mom look.
Speaker 2:I've never seen hang out with my son outside of school. So who are you? Are you like? Are the influence? And just to like, just being that, hands on with me, like people understood, like, oh, I can't play with you. I think this is mom. She's gonna come up to school and I don't even know who she's gonna do Right. Don't know, nobody's mom did that ever with me being in school. So like people knew, like I don't know if they played with him like that.
Speaker 1:Even when I was in high school.
Speaker 2:I'd be in my hands for a whole day. Like she said, lunch yeah.
Speaker 1:So you as a parent. I know it'd be tough because, like we still gotta work, we still.
Speaker 2:It's the other stuff we gotta do, but when it comes to the babies, we gotta put everything to the side. My son called me, said dad, I'm having an issue.
Speaker 1:I'm coming to the school.
Speaker 2:Why they don't. I don't care what it is, it can wait till I get home. No, we not. No, why it's kind of an altercation. So the parents probably won't have to come regardless.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she had to take him back to school and when she took him back to school they basically was kind of tell her like this type of behavior will get the child, you know, get put away. And she couldn't understand that. She like, listen, this person, I'm gonna want to pull the leg my son get hit on it. And I was trying to say no, you just got handle things a different way, especially if there's an adult right there Like I'm telling you, I said yo, he should have been, like yo, get this check off of me. Do like whatever you gotta do to get the attention of the adult in the room. Because now you looking at like they looking at you, like your daughter, right, say, your daughter hit a young man and he wells on her, you coming up to the school, like where's the boy that took? You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like you guys see both sides, I see both sides of it Like there's a bigger issue. First of all, why your daughter thinks she can go around hitting people. That's the first thing. Second of all, why do you think that your son is okay to hit her? Back to the point where, like you know, I don't know. So let's go back to that respect and kindness and stuff about your son, cause that whole situation had me twisting. I'm still like, cause at one point you know you raise them like don't let people respect yourself, make people respect you, right. So then it's like if you let somebody hit you, are you respecting yourself, but at the same time it's like she a girl, like why would you Well in?
Speaker 2:that situation, like I said, like you're not gonna in the moment, yeah, she might, she might have, she might put her hands on you. But that situation isn't over with like oh, you put your hands on me Like I got you, don't worry about it. And sometimes like as a kid is different. Like you, emotionally bottled up. You don't know how to handle certain things.
Speaker 1:So yeah, you say something to the teacher. Sometimes that's not even enough. So maybe he said something to the teacher already, cause maybe they like him, cause that's how kids play and stuff like that. Like it might have just been a whole day for him.
Speaker 2:Like man, listen, I ain't for it, so I can't. I can't even say his reaction was wrong, I can't even say like the girl was playing too much or anything like that, because you just never know what somebody done away yeah. You don't and you never know if that girl had a crush on him and he just wasn't feeling it that day, Maybe next week they could be on the same same type Right, right Okay.
Speaker 2:But if you really bother by it like we gotta find a way to teach our boys that you can't do that because you're gonna be in the wrong, no matter what.
Speaker 1:No matter what. That's the thing I was trying to point out. Like, listen, do you know how bad that looks? All right, so what else? What else you wanna talk to you something about? Like? So we talked about teaching them how to respect kind you know? Yeah, Just being aware of your surroundings.
Speaker 2:For me, I tend to be a little bit more vocal than a little bit more vocal than I was. A little bit, yeah, I'm a little bit more vocal than I would like to be. Sometimes you gotta just sit back and read the room. Sometimes you just gotta peak the energy. Sometimes I'm so much of the energy that, like I can be, like somebody can be in the corner and be all the attention, but they might have some ulterior motives or they might feel away about me or like I never get a fully, a fully under a full understanding of like maybe the coolest person is, or why are they here? Like what purpose do they serve? Like so for my son, you have to like know, like you kind of have to know when it's your time to like to speak and do Like, so you just gotta sit back Like I wanna teach him like temperament.
Speaker 1:Like meditation Yo that's not even words. We hear from our black community, though. Let's say temperament, meditation, focus, prayer, prayer. Like we don't hear that. I feel like the narrative for our black boys is be rough and tough, hold your own, play a sport, and you're sitting here saying read the room. So, meditation, internalize some things, see what's going on. I think that is so important because definitely, if we wanna change the narrative of our young black boys with being, you know, the color black is aggressive, right. So if we start, you know, from the gate so did you see me? You think I'm aggressive, but once you get to know me and you see that I'm different, that changes the whole thing. So we want people not see us as aggressive because of our behaviors, you know. So I like that. I think that I think we don't have enough of that.
Speaker 2:So, to go back to what you said, like people like kind of push sports and all that other kind of stuff on you as men, we wanna be big and broad and strong, but in terms opposite of that is we're not collecting our internal, internal life, what's really inside of us, who we really are, as people Like, and that makes us make certain decisions Like feeding with the flesh once, instead of what you know and what you know in your mind really needs.
Speaker 2:So, for me like yeah, my son like I, giving basketballs and all that kind of stuff like that just because he's small, I mean you can only grasp us so much.
Speaker 1:But growing up it has to be about center focus knowing who you are understanding like I don't always have to be a part of something.
Speaker 2:I'm a connector, I'm a starter. Stuff starts with me, not the other way around. But you also have to understand your environment, to know when it's time to kick it on.
Speaker 1:That's good.
Speaker 1:That's good. I like that. I think we need to have more conversations as part of like teaching our boys, you know the inner self, you know meditation and things like that to be to really be at peace, though, cause that's just really, you know, teaching them how to be at peace, because there's so many things going on, and I think that if we started from a young age that the things that the world attacks our kids with, like, they'll be able to sustain it because they've already been built, they have the tools to be able. You know, because, again, black people are looked at so aggressively. You know, even for a young lady, if you start to speak your opinion or something, they're looking at you. Oh, you being aggressive, not, oh, you're just standing up for yourself. So, really being able to teach them, cause when all these you know blades hit you, you'd be like blade, able to knock it off because I am at peace myself, I am at rest, I know who I am, and I think so many times, parents, we as parents, you know, we don't really kind of teach kids who they are uniquely. We teach them how we want them to be. You know, it's not like we like all right, let's see what you got, your flour, your phoenix we're like we're literally putting all this stuff on our kids because we either one we didn't do it when we were younger or two, we parents and out of fear, because we don't want you to get into some stuff, and then we don't really value the fact that our children have opinions and they grow and we really kind of need to nurture them because I think it's so, it's so more fearful, let them be, let them be who they are, because it's almost like we don't trust that they're going to get to where they got to go. But as parents, we got to do that. We got to really let them be centered and enter.
Speaker 1:You know, my daughter said something to me coming home, and this because this is how I was raised so you get home, you got chores to do, soon, as you get home, you got chores to do before you do anything for yourself. My daughter time at the time the one that test my in the game. So y'all, y'all know who she is the one that's very vocal, she test my in the game. So she said to me she said, mom, I was at school all day, I did all this. I want to come home and relax for a second before I do a chore. And I'm like, no, don't you want to be done by the time I get home what you talking about? But she like relax, relax on the bus, but for her she need that quiet time. And I'm like you relax but you listen to the music. But you know I'm being real. I'm being real, that's how I be sometimes.
Speaker 1:But she really had to like as she kept saying it, and I started to seek to understand versus understood. Like I am type parent and the beginning I was like it's what I say, I say what I say, but now, listening and understanding, like she like listen, I need when I get in the house, I need at least 30, 40, five minutes. I'm like what, 30 or 45 minutes? But now I know for her to be because if, if not, that's going to be a back or four because she didn't get that quiet time to herself. Because I'm like you want to bust your head enough, but you got kids and other teens or whatever and you walked on the bus stop. When you get in the house, you just want to sit down for a second.
Speaker 1:And I thought about it.
Speaker 1:As a parent, that's what I want to do when I get him from school or work or whatever. I got decompressed. Most of the time I sit in the car for a couple minutes before I even go in the house to my kids. But I'm like, if parents, if we're requesting that for ourselves, why can't we respect our children and request that for them? Because we have these rules and regulations, you bet cleanest house, you better do this, but not really understanding the things that they went through at school as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so parents, and for who? They are, not who we intend for them to be like. We could have hopes and dreams for our kids, but what are they dreaming? What are they hoping? I think it's so important and it took time over time to learn that, because I was one of those parents is Michael Manning's you do this, you do that. And now my kids are teenagers and they're trying to do things in their own. I'm like no, you don't do it that way, but because I've done everything for them. And now I'm like hold up. So I think it's so important to make sure that from a young age, that we're allowing them to be growing to something, not necessarily just start throwing all this stuff on them.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So it's like when do you know? Or what age do you know? Like, all right, maybe it's time for me to move it, see what kind of decision they're going to make or what are their interests are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're going to take this kind of leap of it Like it's hard, it's hard, it's hard not to live with parents.
Speaker 2:It's different and I know development is different. I know I had a developing girl at a young age, so opposed to like my younger sister was nine years younger to me. So it's like when, do you know? I guess maybe it's just like yeah, it is a relationship.
Speaker 1:So it's really building a relationship with your children, so that you know each child because I have four, so all of them different, some challenge me more than others, but like knowing your child, knowing with that relationship or how you should deal with them. And I, straight up, was like I was having a hard time with parents and I said, god, these are kids, tell me what to do. I took a Moses, like I took a Moses step. Listen, lord, this is me standing in need of prayer. Now I'm not trying to go to jail, I don't think they want to go to jail. Something is something. The pressure cooker is cooking these, your kids. Tell me how to teach them, lead them and guide them, because it's hard and I don't have all the answers. I'm not a perfect parent, I don't know. So, honestly, each child, each child, taught me how to deal with another child, like my oldest daughter.
Speaker 1:The things that she said to me, parents, and you know I got married in 19, had a kid, you know, had all this, but I still here to her, away, where I wanted her to be better than me, like I was pushing. You know, I'm in school, I'm doing this to any other. I wanted her to be better, but I was so hard on her and had like this picket fence lifestyle and when she told me, my, you live a personal lifestyle, I'm feeling the whole porcelain. Imagine that, yeah. So I had to really go look up a porcelain. I had to go deep down into like in my mind I knew what porcelain was, but I really need to go deeper to understand what she was saying. And it was so true I thought I had it all together, Everything looking at a certain part, but deep down inside there was still some trouble there and without addressing that you don't grow. So I knew not to do that with my younger kids now because of what she told me. So I think parents is not just we teaching our kids.
Speaker 2:They teach us so much what would you say like, especially like what, like one or two years old, like what was like some of your biggest challenges on raising, like little, little smaller children.
Speaker 1:Man. So it's funny, my sister and I talk about it because my niece just turned one years old. So you know, in these kids you probably get a test that they come out with a personality is already is on the door. But I do remember you know a situation where my daughter was like one or two. You know, kids, they don't really know much, they just know what you show them or they don't have. They don't really know how to respond to things. You teach them how to respond to stuff, right? So sometimes they just be crying for none. They just snap out because they don't know everything is going on in their brain.
Speaker 1:And I remember I was so frustrated of just life and that she's screaming. She was probably like 18 months and I'm like she fair diaper, change everything. She was just having a good time and she was just screaming. I stopped what is going on? Like she wouldn't go to sleep. What was going on? And as a parent I was just like so frustrated and it I Called the doctor and I was like listen, I don't know what's wrong. This kid like what you want me to do and what she said to me was put her in her crib, close the door and walk away and that's what I encourage every parent and this young age. They're going to be fine, make sure they're safe. But you need to walk away because I See, as a pediatric nurse, I see so many kids was shaking baby syndrome.
Speaker 1:I see so many kids were parents did certain things to them because of frustration, because they're the kids are growing and developing right, they don't know they got all these new around the stuff Like impulses and all these things that they don't know how to console themselves. At times Sometimes we have adult temperature. So you know these kids this age Just really walking away, taking a deep breath and come back and in love. When I kid and nurture that kid they're gonna be fine, like my niece right now, the one year old, like she be having 10 percent. I said leave her long, walk away, because I've seen so much as a pediatric nurse of shaking babies in and I can see how it happens though your kids, you know they go, they go off, they scream in there in a room. You, like I done, did everything I can possibly could for this kid. Let me just stop crime. This is what they do, stop crying. And they're shaking them and not really understanding how their brain is shaking in their skull. And then you got these kids are paralyzed or dead and you and gel and you love your kid. You love your kid. You ain't mean to do nothing to the kid, but at it, and you was so frustrated that that happened.
Speaker 1:So I always encouraged parents of small kids walk away, walk away. Yeah, you have to, you gotta walk away. And then I think, also just understand. I think every parent should research child development because you'll know certain things that they'll do at certain ages and you won't one be too Harder your kid to do certain things like it. It trips me out that people trying to party train kids in one years old the brain doesn't even operate like that. You don't even get that feeling down there yet. So and then I see him spanking them. If you peeling yourself, like it's crazy stuff that I see.
Speaker 1:And in pediatricians it's like if you or if you really understood, like a lot of my stuff is education, educating parents on growth and development, like at this age. This is what they're supposed to be doing at that age and that's supposed to be doing. If they do this, if they like food one day and tomorrow they don't like it, that's okay, that's what they trying to figure out. So sometimes at an early age, we're trying to, like you know, we're trying to mold and shape our kids, but at the same time we're still we still gotta let them be themselves. We got to let them figure it out. You know it's okay for your kid to sit down and play with some food like texture and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:So I think at this age, really just be an example in front of them and our Response to them, because how we respond is how they're gonna respond. So if you're responding aggressive and negative and nasty, oh that's believe they're gonna be aggressive, nasty you. They're gonna be like three years old and they knocking people out he, like what happened. So basically that's like the biggest challenge and I always offer parents you should really learn growth and development as your child is growing. You're growing and you really need to know the things that you need to know for their kids, so that you don't put too much on them, stress them out, and then you also can see some signs of symptoms or something that may be awful a little bit at an early age, because the earlier you get help for your kids, the better outcome we have for them.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It was wrong. Yeah, I think you know, letting our kids grow, because really understanding like you're really not gonna tell if something really Developmentally is often them until about 18 months. So everything you got to give them time, like, for example, like if a kid's walking at 10 months they might be lacking in another area because they're now concentrating on walking. So really kind of just watching them grow and allowing them to grow and see what they're going to do, but still teaching them things you know from them, fundamental things, but really allowed them to grow and see what they're going to do. There's so many times parents come in kid one years old they're not doing the same. I'm like, well, they're not technically supposed to be doing it. Well, my other daughter did it. Well, that was your other daughter, you know. Just so I think really researching and being intentional about parenting Really helps us be able to really navigate parenting at another level and give our kids as much as possible so that they can succeed and Not giving them too much so they can succeed, you know. So that's what I tell anybody who's raising young kids like be intentional, big example and research which is supposed to be doing for these kids, you know, not like living an autopilot life. Oh, I got these kids. They go, you know. No, let's be intentional, let's figure out how we're gonna make this successful. That's this it.
Speaker 1:You and your fiancee have a vision for your household. This is the vision. This is we expect our kids go. So now we got work towards that, how we gonna accomplish that, and that that's pretty much I tell people and, like you said, take the time, meditate. All right, so we're closing up here because this has been a great conversation. So what would you tell parents of raising? What we tell other fathers, uh, maybe how to, to step up or how to, you know, be centered in different name what would you tell fathers who are looking here and they're raising their their black sons and daughters Like, what would you have for them?
Speaker 2:I would say, man be patient, pray, have to give, you have to make time. You have to make time for yourself like, because like you have as many. We don't always get like the outlets like I work in the bar shop, so it's different. So we, we in there and guys tell all books in the bar shop, but anywhere else you, you don't really give yourself enough time to even think or understand your thoughts.
Speaker 2:So that be patient with your speech, patient with your children, be patient with yourself and that in that that goes in and him a prayer. Like People be feeling like, oh, you gotta be like Most God-fearing person or you gotta be in church every week, like it literally be like conversation with yourself, address God, because God is real. I feel like if you here on this earth and have a purpose, you believe you have a purpose, you have to believe in God, you have to be something, so you have to like home, be yourself a little bit to pray over yourself. And you didn't even notice, but I had watched the episode that you were on with this plane.
Speaker 2:I was like some prayer, something you ever talking about prayer, how like how a man should leave prayer for his family.
Speaker 1:Ever since I saw that prayer for my family.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, it's, it's necessary and that in my even talking about like the level of respect that I get from my fiancee, but like it's me standing Standing up and making sure I'm worried, I'm in control of my house, why I'm not my senior and act like I was I prayed the most, like I was raising the church and all that kind stuff, but me praying over my family, over our health. Whatever way we may be going to praying over my fiancee before she leaves the door, I'm praying over my kids by their sleep like it'd be the smallest things but like it had up because it's God dies real.
Speaker 1:But I think that it's so important, like you know that now I like that. You said that because you know prayer in a relationship God is. So because my thing I always ask people what is your? What are you? Measuring your standard up to a viewing? If you ain't Measured enough to God, like you know, if you, if you don't know God or have relationship with God, what it? What do you? How do you? What's your foundation? Right? So so I like that. I definitely think that prayer is always like I say I asked God what you want me doing these kids he showed me. Teach me God. So I think that it's so important. That's the foundation, you know, and just having a great relationship with God, because you know, honestly, our kids are his and and God don't handle grandkids that our kids are his kids. So I think that's important.
Speaker 2:And making time for yourself. Because, like recently, like I just started going back to the gym, I've been playing basketball a few days a week Just because it may be time. It like, if I'm giving so much to everybody else, I'm naturally neglecting myself. I'm naturally getting fat slower. I'm eating too much, but you have to like at least sit in a quiet room, think like, write your thoughts down, write express how you felt this day.
Speaker 2:Express how you may feel the next day, get those ideas or those thoughts, how we may feel about yourself. You have to work on your free. You have to work on yourself.
Speaker 1:I like that. So so there you have it. Take care of yourself, because you can't give from an empty cup. You got to take care of yourself. We please yourself as You've given out to your kids and your family or whatever, because it may has a have a big role, and women have a role too. But I think, like you, self-care is so important, and even gotta be a million dollars, like you said. Go on to the gym. I like going to the gym now. It's so important I sleep better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so so thank you again for coming to the show. Probably have you back again because I think this conversation was needed. It was good. It's just getting a perspective. You know, the thoughts and concerns that we have are raising our kids and what's so important to as we, as parents, to put Into ourselves so that we now can pour out to our kids. So thank you so much for coming to the show. Um, as you know, this is parenting the purpose. I am your host, donna Janelle, where I strive to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. And, as you know, parents are a bowls and our children are arrows and they will land wherever we send them. May not be today, may not be tomorrow, but as long as we dress our kids properly, we don't have to worry about the world dressing up. Have a great night.
