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Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
Breaking Free from Perfection to Cherish the Chaos of Parenting
Have you ever felt the weight of the world on your shoulders, trying to be the perfect parent? You're not alone. Join me, Donna Janel, as we strip away the superhero cape and discuss the real, raw, and often untold stories of motherhood. From the crushing pressures of perfection to the liberation of embracing our unique parenting paths, this episode is an honest look at the highs and lows that shape our experiences as mothers.
Motherhood isn't about being infallible; it's about being present, both for our children and ourselves. Today, we confront the pervasive mom guilt and challenge the myth that to be good parents, we must sacrifice our own well-being. By sharing personal narratives and insights on setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and fostering individuality, this discussion is a supportive guide for navigating the complexities of parenting with purpose. We delve into the transformative power of self-reflection and the importance of addressing our behaviors to avoid passing on unhelpful patterns to the next generation.
As Mother's Day approaches, I dedicate this conversation to all the mothers and mother figures in our lives. This episode is a heartfelt tribute and a reminder to prioritize self-care, embrace flexibility, and rejoice in the beautiful mess that is parenting. So, whether you're in the midst of diaper changes, guiding teenagers, or somewhere in between, tune in for an uplifting session that celebrates the journey of motherhood and the strength found in our shared stories.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Radio, cultivating mature positivity. The People Station, thank you. Outro Music, thank you. Oh, give me one second, I'm coming. Oh, hey, everybody, welcome back to parenting purpose. I am your host, donna janelle, where my strive to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. Yes, I said beauty. I know it's kind of hard to think about beauty and parenting, but that's what it is. It is messy and it's beautiful at the same time. You ever have something that's really messy and beautiful at the same time? Well, that's what it Parents. That's what we have going on. I'm sorry, all right, so I'm paying attention. Now.
Speaker 1:I kind of had to share that on social media. People were waiting to see the live stream, all right. So tonight what we're going to talk about is something that is very we've kind of been touching about this, you know, over the last couple shows We've been kind of been touching about this, you know, over the last couple shows we've been kind of digging into it a little bit, not as much because of just different things, but I kind of wanted to go back into it, right. So tonight I'm topping this thing right now. Right now, after I write it up a little bit, it might change different, but what my whole goal tonight of the show is. I kind of it's Mother's Day. Y'all, mother's Day is coming up this Sunday. Shout out to all the mothers in the place. Um, uh, mothers do a great job. Mother sacrifice, um.
Speaker 1:But I wanted to talk about a different side of mothering. Um, and that is kind of like I want to dismantle the notion that mothers are superheroes or mothers have to be superheroes. That kind of sounds crazy because it's like yo, I am my child's superhero, I am a superhero, but like, who told you you had to be a superhero? Right? And I'm only saying that, not based on just my experience, but just talking to a bunch of mothers and parents. Like, we kind of struggle all with the same type of things that we're going to get into tonight. But there's like this notion out there that we have to be the superhero, we have to be the sacrifice, because we're mothers Like, yeah, we've given birth to our kids and our children and we've sacrificed a whole lot, right for them. But a lot of times we, as mothers, we sacrifice so much where we deplete ourselves and then we're actually no good to our children right Now. That is like a mother's worst nightmare. How do you? You don't want to be no good to your children, right? You want to be everything, all to end, all to our children.
Speaker 1:However, a lot of times, because we are putting ourselves in like this superhero type position where, like we seek for perfection in our mother and that we end up depleting ourselves, right, and then depleting our self-care, depleting our self-worth, like there's so many things that we kind of drain out of us and that we don't restore ourselves with it, the things that was taken out of us, right. So then we don't really become effective with our kids or effective in parenting, because we ain't got nothing. We like tired, exhausted, really, just out here, just existed, not actually living, like we'll have the title and we'll do little things for mothering, but we don't have the capacity to do it all or to do the things that we once did, because we literally burnt ourself out and that's crazy, like to think about. Well, we literally burnt ourself out and that's crazy, like to think about what mother's burning herself out, absolutely. Listen, I'm telling you I'm not telling you something that I heard, I'm telling you something that I know Like we literally put ourself in a situation because we think that we're supposed to do, whether it's a traditional thing, a generational thing, whether we seen it with our own parents, our own mothers, our grandmothers, our great grandmothers, our aunts, our cousins, anybody that we looked up to or was before us, if we seen it, or we seen it on television or we see it around in a neighborhood. Like this is what a mother is supposed to be. This is how a mother is supposed to like.
Speaker 1:Society has deemed this way of mothering, and mothering is not a one way thing. It is not just everybody is this robot type mothering and mothering is not a one-way thing. It is not just everybody is this robot type mother and everything is perfect. Like the dinner is in there on the same time every day, the kids are bathed the same time every day. It's not that type of world, but even still, like even the examples that we've seen like I've never really seen of like mothers being shown how to do self-care or take time for themselves, it is like mothers you are supposed to do everything for everybody, right, and that's not true and that's actually not healthy, that's not balanced, that's not healthy and eventually you begin to get burned out and I don't know if you guys seen there has been a lot of things going on with parents and children.
Speaker 1:Particularly parents are becoming very burnt out where they're either committing suicide or taking their whole family out with them a family suicide because of the pressures of society or even the pressures that we put on ourselves right? Not necessarily like dependent on the children, the pressures that that we put on ourselves, right, not necessarily like dependent on the children, the pressures that our children put on us, but a lot of times we train our children to do certain things right, so a lot of times they just a reflection of how we feel or how we treat them or respond to them. So like it's literally us who I feel like especially I'm going to speak for me. I feel like a lot of times I put pressure on my parenting for the craziest reasons, though Like just so I can, because the way I was mothered right and the way that I felt in my perspective of how I was mothered really kind of had a significant impact on how I parent right.
Speaker 1:Everybody says I don't want to parent like my mom, or then a lot of people say I want to be just like my mom, right, depending on how you were raised, right, and I think that what happens is that puts so much pressure on us. Right, like you don't want to be just like somebody, right, you want to take some of the good things that, and then the things that wasn't so good, so that you can kind of create your own individuality of how you parent. But then you don't want to say I don't want to be anything like that person, as if that mother just had no impact on your life. But at the same time you want to create your own narrative, right, your own walk, your own, your own motherhood. So I want y'all to part with me tonight, because I had all my notes written down, right, and I had all my papers out, and I left my papers on my bed. So I had my 18 year old take a picture of all my papers. So I'm kind of like don't really understand my own handwriting a little bit because I had a little bit of notes. So bear with me.
Speaker 1:Tonight we're going to talk about some stuff, all right. So tonight we're going to explore strategies to overcome perfection and celebrate our individuality while empowering ourselves to thrive and create a positive impact in our lives and foster our culture of self-love and self-acceptance and I know we talk a lot about self-love and self-acceptance, but it's a real thing, because I kind of feel, like, and that if you really don't love yourself, it is so difficult for you to say that you love somebody. Like you may do some love actions, but you can't give what you don't have, period. We can't give what we don't have. And we can fool ourselves, we can try to make ourselves think that we can, that we, uh, we can give what we don't have, and we can fool ourselves, we can try to make ourselves think that we can, that we, uh, we can give what we don't have. Like, if you're not accepting yourself, that trick was down to you're not accepting your children for the way they are or who they are, even other relationships in our lives, right, and we try to sugarcoat this stuff and we try to cover it up, but the reality of it is it that if you don't have self-love and you don't have self-acceptance, it is really literally impossible for you to be able to give that to someone else, to be able to accept someone else for their authenticity Sorry, I got to drink some water y'all and I'm talking so fast but accept someone else for who they are, who they show up to be who they are individually as a person, and it's kind of difficult to really accept them if you really have quorums and not even be able to accept yourself, right. So we're going to talk about that a little bit, right.
Speaker 1:So one of the things I wanted to talk about, because I know everybody has mom guilt right, mom guilt is one of the biggest things that we suffer from, right, and mom guilt was not a mental disorder, y'all. It is not something wrong with us because we feel guilty of all these different things as a mom, right, but it is real. Mom guilt is real and sometimes like it gets hard because, as a mom, you want all right, we want the best for our children. Hard because, as a mom, you want all right, we want the best for our children, right, we want we don't really, honestly, we don't want our children to go through any harm, hurt, pain, right, but in reality like they have to. But as a mom, I think that's kind of that complex thing where I don't want nothing bad to happen to you. I don't want you to feel hurt and pain. So I'm going to cover all this for you. I'm going to kind of try to fix all the broken pieces. I'm going to try to do everything and that's what we come in as a superhero, right, like, oh, I'm coming in to save the day, let me come save the day so you don't feel any hurt, so you don't feel any pain.
Speaker 1:But in reality they have to, because how they're going to be in touch with their emotions, right? A lot of times it's because we don't ourselves want to feel any hurt and pain, so we kind of jump in and try to avoid situations and circumstances that's going to cause some type of emotion or some type of where we feel like we may not be able to self-regulate because we're angry, upset and we're frustrated. But emotions are emotions, y'all Like. They're not good or bad, they're just what they are and we can't um shelter our children from things that's going to happen to them. Because in a real world, let me tell you we, we send our kids outside and if we don't, we don't um pour into them and let them learn mistakes at home. When they get out in the world, they make them big mistakes. Yo, let me tell you they, the world is not nice with them. At least we could do it with some grace, right? We could do it with some grace and some love and try to cover as best as we can.
Speaker 1:But if we don't allow them to be able to feel some type of pain or feel now I'm not talking about we going around says intentionally, you're going to be in pain, not at all, because I don't want you to do that to me, right, but what I'm saying is that life be lifing out there right, and things happen. Our children are dealing with so many things, we are dealing with so many things, and to avoid all pain, all mistakes, is literally unreasonable. It doesn't make any sense, because I believe now I think a lot of y'all can agree with me, but I believe that a lot of trials and tribulations and struggles that we have has really built us to who we are today. I can speak for myself. I went through hell and back. I'm trying to tell you and I feel like every situation that I was in whether I created it myself or whether it just happened because life be life and I've learned so many things from so many lessons, from the mistakes that I made, from the things like just experience and all. So I think that as moms, we try to like withdraw all these negative experiences from our children and that's kind of what the superhero thing, when you ever think about superhero, right, you watch. Now I'm not a big cartoon superhero type stuff. My kids are like my son, my daughters, they into all that and I used to have a hard time sitting there and watching it with them because I'm just like this stuff ain't real. And it was like a disconnect because I couldn't connect with them regarding this superhero stuff. But the more and more they, they kept watching it. I started to engage with them some and I started to actually get some lessons out of it.
Speaker 1:And when you look at the superheroes, right, they come in and they're supposed to save the day. That's what the superhero is like. So there's a situation there's maybe somebody's being unkind to the person, so they come in and says, don't do that to them. You know, kind of rescuing them from that. Or if they're in some type of danger, like they come and they're holding up buildings right, you see them holding up buildings. They explode in buildings. They're grabbing a rope for you to grab on so you won't drown.
Speaker 1:Like it's all these different things that these superheroes do. Right, they literally give themselves and sacrifice themselves. Have you noticed, like all these different things that these superheroes do, right? They literally give themselves and sacrifice yourself. Have you noticed like all these superheroes are almost dying, though? They literally be dying trying to save someone else, right?
Speaker 1:And as a mom, I don't want to die to try to save my children? Like I don't want to do that, right, I used to think I had to, but in reality, like, if I'm dead, how I'm going to help them? So when you look at all these superheroes, right, I went back and I started looking. I was like yo, every superhero there was this thing where they felt like they had to be the sacrifice, right, and they had to go in and save the day. That's not our job as mothers. Our job is like, who told us that was our job? Like, who said, donna, you need to be the superhero? No, like, who said, donna, you need to be the superhero. No, donna, made that up on myself or based on what I see other people do and how they sacrifice and you're not a real mom unless you lose something. You know just different type of talks, like it's, like, no, it ain't even got to be that way.
Speaker 1:So a lot of times, we look at society, we see movies, we see how people raise their children and we try to say we see how people raise their children and we try to say we try to mimic them. Now, there are some things that we should take away from things, because experience is the best teacher, right? So if you experience something and you want to teach me or show me how you got over the situation, because y'all know, y'all know, y'all know that these kids be out here testing and they're gangsta, and I'm telling you they do so sometimes you be having a woosah moment and you don't know what to do, like you be calling God, you be calling everybody else so that you don't lay hands on this kid or you don't, like really do something terrible. So it's good to like have conversations with other parents and see how they were able to navigate stuff, but our job is not to be that other mom or be that other parent, um, and that's not our job. Our job is to find out how it works for us individually, in our own household and with our own children. Right?
Speaker 1:So I talk about guilt, right, I feel like it's, it's, it's complex and it's not. It's not a mental disorder, right? Um, I talk about so a lot of times. Um, we're battling with um. One of the things, one of the reasons why we're battling with anxiety and depression, is because we can't fulfill or we can't fix our children or we can't fulfill a need that we feel like we're supposed to. So then we start getting the guilt right and then we start getting like anxious and we start getting depressed because, oh, I can't fulfill that.
Speaker 1:But instead of just looking at the thing holistically, like, listen, you're not perfect. Motherhood is a challenge. Listen, life is a challenge. I'm like pause, we ain't even going to go to motherhood yet. Just being a human is a challenge. Being a person is a challenge because we're we're mixed with so many different emotions and and so many things that be coming at us, life becoming as different ways, right? So then you do you add on motherhood with that, because now you're responsible for another human. Now I was responsible for me, and it was a challenge. Right Now I'm responsible for me, and it was a challenge. Right Now I'm responsible for another human and me, another human plus me. And then if you have multiple kids, like I have four, I'm responsible for me and I'm responsible for four other humans. That is like a huge responsibility to be responsible for myself and others, to be responsible for myself and others.
Speaker 1:And the thing about that is that, because we have, like, this motherly cape on and we don't just become a mother to our children, right, we become a mother to our friends, we become a mother to family members, like, we become that person, right, that superhero in everybody's life, because we've learned how to try to be a superhero in our children's life and we start and people start seeing that. So then they start pulling on us and we don't really know how to say no, because we're, like, we think we got to save everybody or save the world. I don't know who told us we're supposed to do that, but somehow a lot of us has adopted this mindset of I need to be able to save you. You know and I think a lot of it comes from we have pure hearts, we have loving, caring hearts and, like for me, my love language is serving. I love to serve people. I love to help people get from one place to the other.
Speaker 1:If you're having some troubles, I like to be the one to come in and help you, right, but at what cost, though. Like, I like to be the one to come help you. I ain't supposed to be the one that come help you. I ain't supposed to be the one that come do it for you, right? Because that's what superheroes is they don't be helping, they literally go in there and save the day. Oh, a building fall. Not you, hold the building up yourself. It's like I'm going to come in, the building is falling on you. I'm going to push this building up so you could go, run away and do whatever you need to do, Not teaching you how to push the building up yourself, not teaching you how to navigate through these things so that, just in case it happened again, right, that you'll be able to do it.
Speaker 1:Because if we don't learn how to handle life and situations, we're going to always expect somebody come here to save the day, somebody come in to be the superhero, so we kind of play that part in the lives of other people, right? So when I talk about mom guilt, right, one of the things I have on here is that we want to and I said it earlier like we want to show up in people's lives, right, we want to show up, we want to be. You know, we don't want people to feel hurt and pain, we don't want people to have discomfort, because we know how it feels for ourself. Right to have discomfort, to have hurt and pain, and we don't want that for anybody else, right. But there are some times where you just cannot show up physically, emotionally, mentally for somebody else Because you can't even show up for yourself. And I said earlier, if you can't do it for yourself, you really cannot do it for anyone else.
Speaker 1:We try to sugarcoat it, we try to ignore ourselves and go outside of ourselves to help somebody, but we really don't do it effectively. We really don't do it effectively because, at the end of the day, after I come help you, after I come in here to be this superhero, like I gotta be restored because I done already, almost died trying to help you, trying to save you, and I'm sitting over here, depleted. So I just want to, like we really just dismantle that whole notion that I have. I'm a mom, I'm not a superhero, right? Um, one of our uh, one of the things that I had down here, right, it says your perfect image of motherhood leaves room for oh, here we go. So our perfect image of motherhood never leaves room for mistakes, because we think that we have to have it all together right, but mistakes are going to happen. News flag mistakes are going to happen. I'm going to say it again Mistakes are going to happen. Newsflag mistakes are going to happen. I'm going to say it again Mistakes are going to happen because life be lifin' and we're not perfect.
Speaker 1:Right, we all struggle to be the best version of ourself, yet many of us forget that the best version does not mean perfection. The best version of yourself does not mean perfection. So we all struggle like oh, I'm living my best life, I'm doing me, I'm being the best version of me and the best version of us. Sometimes we think that it leads to perfection. That is not perfection. The best version of ourself is not perfection. That's not even how God created us to be Like. He didn't create us to be perfect. He's perfect in all his ways.
Speaker 1:I never read the scripture that said that you're perfect in all your ways, donna, or Sheila or Angela, like I've never even went in a Bible when they talk about the Proverbs 31 woman. It doesn't ever. There's nothing in that scripture said that she was perfect. It literally talks about how she was able to run her household, how she was able to mother, how she was able to be a wife. It never said that, um, she was perfect, right. So we get that notion like things have to be perfect and it's just like that's ridiculous. And I'm telling you, I used to think that way and I'm growing and I'm growing and I'm growing because I used to think that way and I did a lot of sacrificing early in my parenting because I thought I had to, I thought that's what I was supposed to do, because I didn't see that growing up.
Speaker 1:So I was like I'm going to give my kids everything that they don't have. I don't, yo, it's crazy. I used to be like I don't want my kids to suffer. I don't want my kids to feel pain. I don't want my kids to have to want for anything. I don't want my kids. Like it was literally me saying I don't want my kids to live.
Speaker 1:It was me saying in so many words, like I don't want my kids to be kids, or I don't want my kids to be human, or I don't want, like in so many words, that's basically what I was saying Like I want everything to be perfect for them, but how does that work and how does that look like as they're growing and learning how to have other relationships and and um learn how to self regulate and things like that if we do everything for them. Right, um, so um, being our best means being able to process and manage our emotions. Like I said, I talk a lot about self-regulation. Right, listen, there's times like we all get upset, we all get frustrated and I'm always like all right, what coping mechanism I'm going to use today because I need some downtime, I need some peace, I need some quiet, I'm overstimulated, there's too much going on and I think sometimes, because we play that superhero role, like we don't admit that it's hard, it's frustrating, it's challenging and that we're overstimulated, a lot be going on and we feel like if, as a mom sometimes mothers feel like if they express their self of they're overstimulated, like they don't know how to be a mom or they proceed to be weak as a mother.
Speaker 1:So we put on this cape and this superhero thought that I got it, got it, got it, got it, got it. No, girl, sit down. Go put your feet up, go take a rest. Can you soak your feet? Go take a shower, turn some music on, put some candles in there and close the door and close like go, sit down, you don't have to be everywhere all the time, just don't do it.
Speaker 1:And, like I said, this has happened over times. I have four children and I'm I've learned and I'm still learning that although I want to sometimes put this superhero thing on, I have to realize, donna, you're a mom, you're not a superhero. So we have to think about that. And also, our best version of ourselves understands that we will make mistakes along the way. So instead of feeling guilty about making mistakes, we should instead feel encouraged to make better choices next time. Listen, we need to understand that things happen. We're not perfect. So if I make a mistake, all right, next time I get. It's crazy. We'll tell our kids right, you'll get them next time, or you'll be better next time.
Speaker 1:We give our kids so much grace sometimes and we don't even give ourselves that grace Again, like I told you, like it's kind of crazy how we can give advice or encourage somebody else but we won't do it for ourselves. Like it doesn't make sense, because, like, are you not worthy of the same thing that you're giving out? Like, as moms, I feel like subconsciously, like we think that we're not enough or worthy of the love and care that we're putting out, or the, the self-regulation, or the self um, self-care, um, then someone, then the next person. It's almost like we think that everybody else is important and we are the sacrifice, in that we can give everybody else everything, but then we don't want to give it to ourselves, like, been there and done that. Listen, I got the T-shirt and the hat. I don't want no more accessories. I'll be praying to God. I'll say God, please don't take me back there where I don't believe in self-care. God, please don't take me back there where I don't believe in self-care. Like, don't take me back where I put everybody before me Because that's what moms said we do. But learning that, donna Janelle, you are important, you are enough, you're beautiful, you need to accept yourself Like you're okay and that you don't have to do all these different things to bring value to yourself or to say that your parenting is top notch.
Speaker 1:Let me tell y'all something. I do this podcast Parenting with a Purpose. I speak all over the place for Parenting with a Purpose. I do coaching sessions for Parenting with a Purpose.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you something I'm not the perfect parent. Listen, if y'all know what goes on in my household with this parenting stuff, a lot of my material comes from my kids. I'm trying to tell you. So don't think that I'm the perfect parent and that nothing goes haywire in my household. That is absolutely the opposite, let me tell you. But the thing about it is that I'm okay with the way it goes. Sometimes I'm not.
Speaker 1:I've become so much more flexible and I'm learning how to pivot in this parenting thing that I no longer beat up myself for a mistake. I no longer try to micromanage my kids. I no longer try to control my kids because maybe there's some things I didn't control myself in my life or fear that if I don't control them, they're going to go down the wrong path, or if I don't control them, they're not going to do the right thing, or if I don't control them, like they're just going to bounce. There are so many different things you know in parenting. That the reason why we do things.
Speaker 1:But I used to be that parent with just like every move that my kid made I would be right on them. Or you know, I expressed before like I did so much for my kids where I was making sure that they had lunch, like my kids was not eating any fast food. And I'm not saying that everybody should feed their kids fast food. I'm not saying that. What I'm not saying is that. But I felt like me as a mom need to give them the best healthy option, and the only way to do that for me to do it myself. But I was working, um, I was, I was um cooking, I was clean, I was doing everything myself and but I was doing it so much where it literally became like not as enjoyable, it was like a chore or I had to do it.
Speaker 1:Now, the way that I perceive my parents and the way I look at it is like I get the opportunity to do a, b and c, or I get the opportunity. Way I look at it is like I get the opportunity to do A, b and C, or I get the opportunity to drive you to school, or if I get the opportunity to cook you dinner. Now I don't cook dinner as much anymore. Let me tell you, these kids are older the three that are home 16 and 18,. Let me tell you something they out here cooking for themselves, because I did all that and I wore out and I'm burnt out y'all. I'm burnt out from all that cooking and stuff, packing their lunch and putting all these little notes and stuff in there and making sure that they friends had lunch, and oh my god, it was so much I was doing in this parenting thing and it was good for them because they were able to see it.
Speaker 1:But eventually, like your heart can't beat fast for so long, like you can't be tachycardia for so long, like you can't keep, keep, keep, keep, keep going and don't think you're going to break, like that's just not, that's not even how we're built, that's not how anything is built. They always tell you, even when you have a car, let it rest. You have certain machines, let it rest. You have a body let it rest. You have a body let it rest. You have a brain let it rest.
Speaker 1:So that superhero notion that I had is that I had to do A, b and C, right. And the crazy thing is, like I said, ain't nobody tell me I had to do it. It was my own mind and my own thinking that I had to because of where I was in life. I wasn't healed from my childhood experiences, right? So I thought that I had to be this perfect mom.
Speaker 1:So, again, like we just have to, like, take a step back and really evaluate how we're parenting, how we're showing up for ourselves, like I talk about. Like, even though this is parenting with a purpose and the goal is, you know, to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back in parenting and knowing that we as parents are bows and our children are arrows right and they will land wherever we send them eventually. But where are we landing at, too? Like, what are we doing for ourselves? Because I've been in this parenting game for about 25 years now and I'm learning and understanding that you can't give what you don't have. Like we could dress it up, we could try to do this and try to do that, but if you're not like healing from your wounds, you're we're bleeding over our children now. It may not show up right now, but eventually it'll show up as they go out and pursue their own life and careers and they start dealing with stuff and they're not sure how this happened. Well, that was part of their raising, part of them being grown up. Right, how we're raising them, and sometimes we don't see the effect right away, but, like even now with my daughter 25, I look back on.
Speaker 1:You know I was a young mom. I got married at 19. I had a baby at 19, brought a house, like, started a career, like it was so much pressure, right. And there was things in parenting I did out of fear. I'm telling you there was so many things I did out of fear, like I just don't want to be like my mom. I don't want my child to grow up and feel the way I felt, and a lot of times with that came micromanaging and that did not allow her to find out who she was. It was who I wanted her to be and we should never raise our children of who we want them to be. We should raise our children of their uniqueness and who God say that they are and what they want to explore in their life.
Speaker 1:A lot of us, as parents, we want to jump in and just say A, b and C and it's like no, mom, I want to do E, F and G, like I don't want to do A, b and C. Oh, you're going to do it, because this is what I said, that's that control stuff, right. So as parents, you know, as mothers particularly like we, you know we carry a lot of weight and a lot of weight and a lot of weight that we don't really have to carry Like we can really pass that off to someone else. Or, um, like, tap into our village, like, build a village and tap into a, utilize our resources so that we don't become overwhelmed, overstimulated and burnt out. Um, I think, as as mothers, it's okay to ask for help. Listen, I ain't got it today. Listen, the capacity ain't here today. I ain't got it today. I ain't got it today and I don't think I'm gonna have it today. So don't try to push me, because I it's just not there and I'm not saying that. Like, certain things that you need, you don't need to push yourself for, but some things it's just like get somebody, somebody else to do it. I'm just not going to do it. Sorry, but I'm really not sorry that I'm not going to do it, because then it makes it seem like I'm wrong for saying no, no, it's a complete sentence and no, don't need no explanations. Listen, I'm just I don't have it, I don't have it, I don't have it.
Speaker 1:Sometimes my daughter that tests my inner gangster, right, like she'll come in the room or whatever, and I'll engage in a conversation with her, but then she'll do something or, like you know, be a little sassy or something like that, and I just be like nah, I'm not engaging in this conversation, but mine didn't listen. No, I can't do it. I can't do it because now I know my capacity. I understand my capacity. No, this conversation's not for me. And then she would proceed to just keep talking. I'm like you have to leave my room. And she was like you don't want to talk to me. You know, kids try to manipulate you. You don't want to talk to me? No, actually I don't want to engage in this conversation right now. And the old me would have felt so bad that I wasn't there listening to exactly what she had to say. But the new me I don't have the capacity for that. I'll talk to you later. Give me my moments.
Speaker 1:And I sometimes remind her though it'd be so funny because I told y'all, she's the kid that says when she get in the house she needs a 45 minute break before she do any chores, before she do engage in anything, she need to go on her run for 45 minutes and take some some self time. All right. So sometimes I say to her listen, I'll let you get your self time. I need myself time, like when you tell me you need a break. I don't be in your room, keep talking, talking, talking, talking. I give you a break and after your 45 minutes talking, talking, talking, talking, I give you your break and after your 45 minutes we're talking again. So I want the same thing in response.
Speaker 1:But kids, they don't understand that they still be trying to force their will on us and everything. Nah, I don't have the capacity to it and I'm okay with that. I don't feel guilty about it, no more. And you shouldn't feel guilty, like if you don't have it, you don't have it again. You can't give what you don't have and we try, try, try, try, try to give, give, give. But we can't like. Let's be real, I ain't got it and it's okay.
Speaker 1:So I think a lot of our our parenting is trial and error. I think a lot of our children growing up is trial and error, like you don't know something don't work until it don't work, right? You don't know that this is probably not the best thing to do until it don't work, but then you don't beat yourself on it Like all right, that didn't work out that way, let's try another way, you know. But we get into these like these little things where we think that because it didn't work, it's not going to ever work, or I messed up or I'm a failure because that didn't work no, that's a different kid and it just didn't work. So, trial and error.
Speaker 1:I think trial and error are like the qualities that makes us great, like the things that we go to really helps us and um, makes us great and it looks different on everyone and I think that's how God created us to be all unique and all different. Cause, honestly, I think about you know, I watched some of them. Shows and I don't know if you guys have watched some of them, shows where, um, the house is the same, the wife wearing the same dress, the same hairstyle, the husband wearing the same clothes, the children, everything's the same, they all talking the same, they're all walking the same, everybody in the neighborhood has the same cars. Like that's a boring life, I think. Remember that show, it's a Wonderful Life.
Speaker 1:But I, I, I think, like if everybody was the same and everything was the same and have no variability, like that would be boring. Like, even though trials and errors happen. But some of this stuff is kind of a little exciting, like, oh, it's a challenge, oh, let me, let me figure out how I'm gonna navigate this right. But if everything was the same, like I look at some of them shows it like. I don't want to live in that neighborhood, I don't want to cook that for dinner, everybody had roast at night. I don't even eat roast, I don't like roast. So why I'm going to pretend and try to be like everybody else?
Speaker 1:And that takes away from your uniqueness of what God created us to be Like. He created us to be like. He created us to be different. He created us to be unique and not looking like someone else, right? So when we start to like, mimic or think that we have to mimic parenting, we have to look like this parent over there. We got to look like that parent over there. Our children got to look like this or look like that. Now, listen, dumb days are over. I encourage you to throw those days in the trash. Like, don't look back for them, no more. Like, encourage you to throw those days in the trash like, don't look back for them no more. Like, just keep it, just keep it moving, because causes so much stress, anxiety, depression, right? Um, so our.
Speaker 1:I talked about how, like, even in parenting, like our responses are different than other parents, like, although, like I do coaching right, parents and coaching right. Although I speak about parents, although I'm on a podcast every week about parenting, I never tell people parent the same way. Do what's best for you and your household. Each kid is different. Each parent is different. As a mom, like, I'm different than my sister, I'm different than my mom. I parent different than my friends Like, but I'm not going to devalue of how you are because it's different for me.
Speaker 1:Now I'm going to try to seek to understand, versus me being understood, because understanding that listen, it's hard for me, but I don't want parents to think that we're all supposed to be the same, look the same, act alike. It's just not. It's not even not even possible, like, unless you're in the movies, right, it's not even realistic and you could beat yourself up to try to make it happen. But you're going to have some problems, emotional problems, some mental problems and ultimately it's going to be some physical problems with yourself if you try to be perfect, if you try to perfect it Like I tell people I'm not like the perfect parent, but I'm perfect for my kids, so God's given me them, so the way that he made me, he know how I'm supposed to parent and I always ask him listen, these are your kids, tell me what you want to do with them, because right now, be a fence around me, because they testing my inner gangster.
Speaker 1:So a lot of times, honestly, y'all I talk to talk to God and be like, help me understand what I'm not understanding. Is it me, lord, I'm standing in the need of prayer. A lot I do. I say a lot, I'm telling you. I talk to God every day, all day, because having four kids and literally just being responsible for myself, like there's a lot goes on at the same time and you got to figure out who's on first, who's on second, who's on third, who's on fourth. Am I even on the plate here? Like it just be so much going on. So if I don't have a conversation with God, it won't go too well. Y'all, I wouldn't be here every week, it wouldn't go too well. So, oh, this is one of the other things that I was talking about. So, oh, this is one of the other things that I was talking about.
Speaker 1:I wrote here you cannot save anyone, and who? You cannot save anyone and you're not required to, right, we're not required to go save anybody Again, we're not required to be a superhero. We're required to live the best that we can help and encourage and motivate people, teach them how to come out of situations and circumstances as our children, teaching them how to grow. But a lot of the things teaching our children how to grow is us learning how to grow ourselves right, so you're not required to save anybody, like I used to think. I'm telling you I don't know where it came from. Oh, I know where it came from because I felt like I wasn't saved. Through a lot of trials and tribulations growing up, I felt like people weren't there for me. So I felt like I had to be there for people. So that's where that superhero came from, y'all.
Speaker 1:I just thought back on it because I felt I didn't have a superhero in my life. I wanted to be other people's superhero. I wanted to be the one to show up when nobody shows up for that person. I want to be the one that makes sure that you don't have to deal with what I dealt with. But who told me to do that right? Who told me to take on the world? Nobody told me to do that. I did it because I wasn't healed from my past trauma of growing up and nobody showing up for me. I thought I had to show up for people.
Speaker 1:Like we don't want to do that, and that's why it's so important to try to figure out the root why we, why we behave, because every behavior has a root. A lot of times we start addressing the leaves or the branches right, but we never get to the root of the issue. And you can address that branch, you can address that leaves, and you know branches and leaves. They fall off, right, but the root remains. So, and what happens is that stuff fall off and that root start produces more fruit, right, so then you got this fruit, that's out there. The same thing that fell off is back on you again because you never addressed the root.
Speaker 1:So sometimes, like we I'm not even going to say sometimes we really seriously need to do a self-evaluation, look back over our life and say, okay, why do I behave this way, why do I do this thing? And figure out like I just just just now I figured out why I tried to be a superhero before. I couldn't understand. I remember my therapist asked me why do you feel like you got to do everything for everybody? And I used to be like I don't know, I just feel like I do. He's been like so you think everybody else is worth what you have to offer and you're not worth any of that. And I was like I never say I wasn't worth nothing. So what are you talking about? So I'm getting smart, right.
Speaker 1:But I think I kept thinking about it was like well, the way I'm behaving, it would appear that I didn't think I was worth anything, worth um the care and compassion and the grace and the love, everything that I was pouring out to people. Apparently, I didn't realize that. Subconsciously, I didn't feel like I needed that myself. Again, I didn't know where it came from. For years they kept asking me like why do you do this or why you do that? I'm like I don't want this person to feel pain, I don't want this person to fall. I don't want this person this and I don't want this person this and I don't want this person that. And I never understood why, like root base, why.
Speaker 1:But now, just talking to you guys, I really just realized that because I didn't have somebody show up for me in my life. I thought that I had to show up for everyone and that's why my parenting was so intentional that I show up for my kids, but showing up for my kids so aggressively and it was just so much that I didn't show up for myself, right? So we don't. We want to show up for our kids, but we want to show up for ourselves too. Like we can do both, right, we can be intentional with our living, because it's's crazy like we want the best for our kids but we don't, do we not want the best for ourselves? And the best for ourselves is showing up for ourselves, self-care, self-acceptance, falling back, taking a deep breath, understand our capacity like we. We understand our kids capacity, right. So why not understand our own capacity?
Speaker 1:But I think again, because we're all mothers are always in go mode. Like it's like I had this kid, I got to go, go go. I got to do, do, do. I got to do, do, do no, no, no, no, no. Nobody told you to do that. I'm here to tell you. Ain't nobody tell you to do that and, honestly, ain't nobody watching you like saying that, oh, you're a terrible mom because you ain't show up at the kids basketball game today, but you showed up at the other four games. Okay, oh, you couldn't pick your kid up from school today, but you pick your kid up 60 days in a row Like ain't nobody saying you're a terrible mom. And if they are, do you care? I know I'm not a terrible mom, I'm tired. I'm a tired mom, y'all. I'm tired. I'm not terrible, I'm tired. Wrong, take, come on, let's get it right.
Speaker 1:So I think a lot of our parenting and our motherhood is really understanding who we are and really what we're capable of and our power. And then that literally resonates and then it pours on our children and it becomes. If we really get it together, we can teach our children not to overcompensate or be overdriven and try to be the superhero. And it's crazy because I was talking to my kids and me starting to learn that no, it's a complete sentence. I'm teaching my children like listen, if it don't feel right, don't taste right, you're not comfortable. No, period, you don't have to explain yourself, it's just no.
Speaker 1:If you're in a friend group, especially my girls they're older and you know girls be having all this stuff going on, like my 18-year-old. I don't like how that person makes me feel. Okay, have a conversation with that person and if that behavior don't change, it's okay. You're young, you got to learn now so that you don't carry this relationship and think that you have to be this way, like it's just not, because then you'll be like me, 44, talking about well, where was the root of that cause? Like why are these branches dying? Why are the fruit getting eaten up? And then we got more fruit, and it's the same thing, because I never addressed the root right.
Speaker 1:Another thing I wrote on here is oh, I already said it like we have to give ourself the same grace we give our kids and the same grace we give our friends. Like we tolerate certain things from people, but then, when it comes to us, we don't tolerate stuff from ourselves, like, and it don't even be the deepest things. Like, oh, I forgot to, for example, I forgot to lock the door one night and I woke up in the morning and the door was unlocked and I was so mad at myself, like I was like Donna, why would you do that? Why would you leave the door unlocked all night? Like, and I didn't put my alarm right because I was so tired, right, I came in and I literally passed out and the next morning I realized my alarm wasn't on, the kids wasn't home and it was just me and the door was unlocked.
Speaker 1:I was so hard on myself. I was like, why would you? I was, I'm telling y'all I was so mad at myself for not. I was like you don't think your safety is important. Like if, if your kids was here, you would have locked the door. If your kids was here, you would have made sure the alarm was on. And I was like, wait a minute, why am I so hard on myself for my mistake that I made? I was tired and it happened. Thank God that he covered me, that nothing happened to me. Can I just rejoice that nothing happened to me? Why do I have to beat myself up? But that happen to me? Why do I have to beat myself up? But that's what we do as moms and it's not necessary. It really.
Speaker 1:I'm telling y'all now, save yourself from yourself. Right, save yourself from yourself, because we just, man, I'm telling you I've been through some stuff and I'm just like yo. There's some stuff that I've done and said to myself that was like I wouldn't have said that to my kids or I wouldn't have did that to my kids and it's like, why would I do that to myself? So I'm telling y'all save yourself from yourself. Get some help A village, get a therapist, like address the issues, that you didn't even really realize there were issues, until you start thinking about some stuff. It's like, okay, what is the root cause of that? Talk to somebody a close friend, let's try to figure this out. What is the root cause of that, so that we don't produce that kind of fruit anymore? What else? We're almost done here y'all too, which is amazing that I actually was sitting here talking this long.
Speaker 1:Oh, one of the things that I am people know that I am rigid when it comes to scheduling, right. Again, this is something I did early on because there's so many things I wanted to do, right, and I had adopted the fact that, like, I was scheduling but my schedule is like hour by hour y'all, or if it's 15 minutes here, 30 minutes, it is literally written down. And I'm proud to say over the last three weeks I kind of eased up on my schedule, like I still schedule stuff, but it's no longer hour. Like I spent so much time on my schedule y'all, it was hour by hour and I did not leave any room for mistakes or emergencies or urgencies, right, it was everything I everything. I mean to the point I had the time I was taking a shower, the time I was spending with my kids, the time I was going to do some coloring, the time I was traveling, like I'm telling you, I had everything written down. Schedule is good, but don't OCD, it, don't do too much.
Speaker 1:So one of the things in this parenting journey that I'm learning is that I need to be flexible and that flexibility is an option. It's a necessity, like we really have to be flexible with ourselves and flexible with our children, just in case anything arrives and I'm not saying that we want bad stuff to happen, or I mean just the smallest thing. Traffic is longer, like there's an accident, accident. I didn't put that in my schedule. I don't think anybody put accidents in their schedule, but I didn't put it on my schedule. So now I'm behind, now I'm frustrated and I'm I'm overwhelmed and like anxiety, anxious and everything, because I didn't know it was going to be an accident. Well, donna, you don't everything. So when I talk about being flexible, flexibility is just not. It's not an option, like it is a necessity, because it also, as we, as mothers, we're teaching our children to be flexible, to to be able to pivot when we need to Right Not everything is going to be Again.
Speaker 1:We talked about that whole. Everything is the same all the time. Look the same way. That's not how life really is, unless you're in the movies, and if y'all seen some of these movies lately, they ain't even showing that anymore. It's some ratchet stuff out there y'all. It's some crazy stuff, but they're not even showing like the movies I grew up on. It's like those movies that maybe say listen, I don't, I don't want to be a robot, but now there's some other crazy stuff, but that's another show. We'll talk about that.
Speaker 1:Your needs are just as important as our family needs, right? Your needs are just as important as your friends' needs. Your needs are just as important as your children's needs. And I know that seems like that's hard to swallow. As a mom, I'm going to admit been there, done that. I didn't think my needs were that important. I'm like, oh, I could sacrifice, oh, I could wait for me later, I could do this later. No, no, no, no, no, no, nope. I'm telling you all parents right now who have young children, who are early in the parenting game, who are mid-raising the parenting game, or who are even seasoned parents, you can still help, you can still get help. Listen, your needs are just as important as everybody else needs. Say it with me my needs are just as important as everybody else needs. I matter.
Speaker 1:So we have to again dismantle the notion of that. We have to be superheroes. Listen, I'm a mom, I'm not a superhero period, and I don't want to raise my children to be superheroes either. It's good to watch them on TV, it's good to see you know stuff, but in reality I don't want my children to live as superheroes because I don't want them to sacrifice themselves so much where they die for somebody else.
Speaker 1:No, now, when I talk about like dying, I mean physically dying, like we could die to our ways, like, oh, donna, donna, you shouldn't have an attitude like you need to die that attitude. You need to kill that attitude. Um, you need to. Your character needs to be something. Some things on your character needs to be shedded off or something like that. You need to be having some pruning. You need to get back on the powder as well, those things I get. But when you physically saying listen, I want to take the weight of the world, the building falling on top of your head, I'm going to jump in and pull the building up, you're going to run away and now the building crushing on me and I'm dead.
Speaker 1:No, no to the no, no, no, don't do it, because ultimately, when something happens to you, who's going to raise your kids? When something happens to you, who's going to be there for you? Do you want the burden on your kids to take care of you because you decide to be a superhero? Nah, that ain't what it is. This ain't where it's at. Get somebody else to do it. This is not where it's at. So I'm going to leave you guys tonight with this.
Speaker 1:I'm wrapping up here. I'm glad you guys tuned into the podcast and happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, all the grandmothers, anybody raising children. That's not biologically yours. You adopted, you foster, you are responsible for the mothers, women. You are responsible for the upbringing of someone else's child your child, this child, neighborhood child, your mother period, no matter how you slice it, you're a mother. So kudos to you. Keep being great, keep doing what you do, but remember taking that self-care, taking that time to yourself and telling yourself I am a mom, not a superhero. So thank you for tuning in to Parented with a Purpose. I am your host, donna Janelle. It was great having a conversation and enjoy your weekend. I'm out.
