.jpg)
Parenting With A Purpose
Donna Janel Williams, a Chester native is on a mission to bring back the responsibility, nobility, and beauty back to parenting. Parenting With A Purpose show aims to reach, teach and propel single mom, single dads, married, divorced, adopted, and foster parents all over the world with engaging conversations to help parents raise up successful leaders. Donna Janel believes parents are the bows and children are the arrows and they will land in the direction we aim them.
Parenting With A Purpose
The Odyssey of Parenthood: Healing Traumas and Breaking Intergenerational Curses
Navigating the complexities of parenthood often feels like an odyssey, especially when technology blurs the lines between childhood and the vast ocean of information. Donna Janel and Rhonda Santos pull you into a candid realm of discourse, addressing the critical role of nurturing in child development and the significance of healing personal traumas. Our dialogues traverse the landscape of intergenerational curses and the effects of narcissistic abuse, where Rhonda, with her wealth of experience in nursing and healthcare informatics, shares profound insights into behavioral dynamics and the journey toward holistic family wellness.
There’s an undeniable magnetism between empaths and narcissists, a dance that can both fascinate and devastate. This episode doesn’t just spotlight these interactions; it's an intimate reflection on setting boundaries, the art of forgiveness, and the process of personal healing. Through heartfelt narratives, we dissect the perils of toxic relationships and emphasize the importance of professional diagnosis when confronting personality disorders. Our conversations are more than just exchanges of ideas; they are a testament to the transformative power of self-care and the pursuit of inner peace.
Concluding on a note of community and familial ties, we acknowledge the impact of supportive networks in child-rearing and share personal experiences of overcoming adversity, like my brush with homelessness. Reflecting on the role of father figures and the power of forgiveness, this episode is a beacon for those working to break cycles of trauma and embrace their worth beyond the shadow of judgment. Join us at our weekly gathering place, "Parenting With a Purpose," and be a part of these enriching dialogues that honor the responsibility and beauty of raising the leaders of tomorrow.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Squeeze Yo, capt Out Intense music One, two, three, four, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, music, music, music, music. Hey, everybody, welcome to Parenting With a Purpose. I am your host, donna Janell, where we know we bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. As I stated before, you know, parenting is not for the weak right. There's challenges.
Speaker 1:It's a hard night life out here for parents, honestly, especially in this generation where things aren't like they used to be and I know we say that every generation, that things aren't like they, but they truly are not. I mean, in the generation where I grew up in, we had beepers. Everybody got cell phones, ipads, computers, tvs. Now, you know, with the smart TVs, everything that you could do on your computer you could do on your television. So, like, our kids have access to everything which we did in before. And it does cause a problem because a lot of us, you know older folks you know I'm a little bit old, but not OO, you know can't kind of get with that technology Because every time I turn around I blink. My kids are on some type of technology and I feel like I'm competing with that but, as you know, like it's hard out here for us.
Speaker 1:Right, it's hard out here for parents, it's hard out here for children. So my job here is to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. Parenting is hard and challenging, yet it has so many beautiful times. And you know, as parents, we are the bows and our children are the arrows and they will land wherever we aim them eventually. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, it might not even be two years, five years. Time takes. It takes time, right. So they're going to land. As long as we close them with the things that they need, as long as we give them the tools, as long as we provide, you know, as a safe environment, nurturing environment, and those things like that are the tools that I'm talking about, that we need in parenting. Right, as long as we provide those things eventually down the line, they're going to get it. We all got it right. Eventually, online, we got it. So that's what I'm talking about in parenting.
Speaker 1:So tonight, right, you know our guests tonight we're talking about, as you know, here at Parenting, with a Preview, I love having engaged in conversations talking about things we don't talk about, right, I'm not afraid to talk about anything on this platform. I'm talking about stuff that really needs to, kind of like the elephant in the room, really needs to be said. But we really don't say it because we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. We don't want to. You know, have us look at, have parents look at differently than such a positive light or even any issues of, because everybody probably think that they're the perfect parent, right, everybody probably think that you know, the way that they parent is the best way to parent. Sometimes I kind of think about that too honestly. So tonight's guest is the one and only Rhonda Santos. You're hilarious.
Speaker 2:So tonight we're going to.
Speaker 1:I'm just loving all this for you, so tonight we're going to be talking about intergenerational curses. We're going to be talking about narcissistic abuse and leading with love. So tonight we're going to be tapping into all these different things some type of mental disorder, whatever it is that sometimes hinder us, as parents, to parent our children the best way as possible, because we're still trying to heal ourselves right. So, as before, you know, I always talk about like we have to heal ourselves so that we don't bleed all over our children. So tonight we're going to be talking about that. We're going to get some healing tonight and we're going to hear from Rhonda what's up, Rhonda?
Speaker 2:Hi, I'm Melina. Well, first off, I just want to thank you for just really meeting me where I was with this, because we've been talking about having this conversation for a while. And I feel like you know, I really try in all things to try to lead with love, and I know that there are topics that you know we need to be discussing and things that we need to be putting out there for the benefit of others, but I feel like it has to be done you know a certain way.
Speaker 2:So I appreciate your patience and I'm so excited to finally be here. Can we see your shoes?
Speaker 1:We've got to show my shoes everybody. She wants to see me blinging. Oh, as you know, I'm a blinger, so all right. So tell us a little bit about yourself Before we get to the subject. It's hot and heavy. We're about to get real in here.
Speaker 2:Okay, so yeah, my name is Rhonda Santos. I am from Philadelphia, south Philly, and I live in Southern New Jersey. I'm a registered nurse with a master's in nursing with a specialization in healthcare informatics. I'm currently teaching a nurse educator. Psych is my specialty. I'm also a clinical nurse, informaticist and that's just a fancy way of saying that I'm an IT nurse that helps various healthcare organizations. Everybody wants to build the best electronic health record and so, as nurses with extensive clinical background, we're able to come to the design table and help to speak to those workflows. So I'm doing that remotely and teaching. I'm actually finishing up my doctoral degree.
Speaker 2:I'm excited about that, but I'm excited for you because you have five months, wait a minute, five months and 13 days.
Speaker 1:Not even five months. Why? Oh, that's the graduation date, but yeah, the graduation wait. How do you know? Five months and 13 days? Yes, that's the graduation date, but I'm actually finished school, May 3rd.
Speaker 2:I'm talking about your what? July, yeah, yeah. July is the graduation date, yeah, yeah, but last final going to be.
Speaker 1:July 3rd y'all I'm out of here, yeah.
Speaker 2:Awesome, so we can be like I'm like, okay, so I know we're going to be talking about narcissistic abuse. I know we're going to be talking about just really healing you know, our inner child.
Speaker 2:You know, childhood trauma is really the gift that keeps on giving right, right If we don't recognize it and do something about it. But I wanted to just really come from a place of love and I'm excited because I can say with conviction you know, after many years I'm finally healed, you know, and it's a process. I mean you have to keep working on yourself. Obviously it doesn't happen overnight. But I just wanted to share some of the things that I feel like I've done and changed in my life that really helped me heal and get me to a better place, which, and you know.
Speaker 2:First of all, disclaimer I am not a minister, I'm not, you know, any type of content creator, I'm not an influencer, I'm not a psychologist.
Speaker 1:You're not one of them.
Speaker 2:Huh, I'm not, I'm speaking straight from you know, experience, and I just want to say that, if you know, during our conversation something speaks to someone and they think, oh, that sounds like my dad or my mom or whoever you know, we're not saying that that's. You know that they're a narcissist or you know, or the antisocial personality which we'll get into as well, but we're just saying that you need to. You know, it's something worth looking into.
Speaker 1:We're not saying that's dumb, but they might have some tendencies that you can't. Or if it's you.
Speaker 2:You think it's you, you know it's worth, you know exploring. So what we're?
Speaker 2:saying is that whatever you see on this show tonight, you maybe you know it might be a little bit familiar to you or something like that, but make sure you go get some professional help and really, as it relates to that topic or subject, it took me a long time because I you know, a lot of times when we're talking about loved ones, we may see the red flags right, but we want to try to overlook it because we want to see the good in them. We want it to work. We want them to love us back. Oftentimes we're empaths, you do know that right. We're super, do work empaths Absolutely, and so we are a target.
Speaker 1:You know they have radar.
Speaker 2:People with antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders are attracted to us. They're attracted to our empathy, our ability to connect with people, and oftentimes they they don't even feel, they can't even feel relevant unless they're getting, like you hear about that narcissistic supply. My thing is, I knew that our conversation was obviously going to get pretty heavy into that, but what I have learned is you really don't want to give that a whole lot of attention. Okay, let's backtrack for a minute.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about what is narcissists and narcissists. Let's talk about that so that the audience understands.
Speaker 2:Well, let me just back up just real quick. Coming from a place someone who, again, I was a mother at 15, homeless and displaced, domestic violence, intergenerational family trauma, right dysfunction I can say with conviction that I'm really grateful that I never had to deal with any addiction issues, because I think we'll talk more about that later. As far as with parenting, too, I feel like had that been my path, I would not have made it for sure, but yeah, it's definitely made me very grateful. I'm very grateful for how far God has brought me in my life and that experience. I can't explain it, but everything that's happened, that I've gone through, all the trauma, all the abuse, the abandonment, the neglect, I would do it all over again to be the woman that I am now. I would literally do it all over again.
Speaker 2:So I take nothing from my journey, but what I want to say is I don't want to spend a whole lot of time perseverating about the narcissist, because I think that's a mistake, that we make. And just to give you an example of what I mean, I know someone who definitely did experience narcissistic abuse magnified, horrific abuse at the hands of someone who was potentially a malignant narcissist and her way of taking back her power right was to own it right and to create a platform for it you know, to talk about it to bring awareness.
Speaker 2:And you, everywhere you hear about now it's just being, the word is just being thrown around. You know everybody's a narcissist. If you're a manipulative, you're a narcissist.
Speaker 1:You're a narcissist, right, so I'm not having to use words right now. You know, if you're overly confident, you're a narcissist.
Speaker 2:You know so, but she wanted to bring awareness. Great, I applaud everyone that's bringing that content forward. You know, do you do your thing? I'm not knocking you, but she told me. She said, you know, and this was after about a year on this platform and you know, she said, I still feel like I'm stuck, like I'm still there, I'm still in that place. So you see how it served her in the beginning. Because she needed to take her power back right and quite often people with narcissistic personality disorder or people who have narcissistic traits. Right, because we can't and we'll talk about that we cannot, we can't diagnose, but they take away our power.
Speaker 2:So it served her in the beginning to, you know, just kind of like take her power back and to really understand the pathology of the individual so she could realize that, wow, like it wasn't me, because they make you think you're crazy, right. But then I feel like when you start giving them too much attention and every day, every day, all the content, yeah, narcissists want attention.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you understand the pathology. You understand that you are, in essence, feeding their need for attention. That is what you know narcissistic supply represents for them. So I just feel like let's get back to what you need to do to heal. And so many times we become obsessed with this person, right this you know whether they're narcissistic or not. You know they could just be.
Speaker 1:They could just be a bad person right, a not so nice person, a manipulative person an abusive person.
Speaker 2:Let's stop trying to psychoanalyze everything. And you know, I'm all about the why, you know, and in understanding what makes people tick. But we have to set boundaries with that. We have to get past that, because then you're not able to really focus and, like, do the real work. And narcissistic personality disorder is in the DSM. That is a diagnosis and unless you are a mental health specialist qualified to diagnose that individual, you can't call someone a narcissist.
Speaker 2:Absolutely and nowadays, you can destroy someone's reputation. You know all the social media platforms and just you know you can say anything. And I just don't agree with that and that's not where I'm coming from.
Speaker 1:I think it's important, though, so that people understand, you know, because not everybody's going to look at DSM, right? Not everybody's going to look at that right.
Speaker 2:Right, of course.
Speaker 1:So, for the sake of the audience, though, just give a little. Not diagnose anybody, but what is narcissistic? According to what we know, narcissists is right, because a lot of times people may be in a situation again, we're not diagnosed with anybody. We're telling you, my unit want to explore some of these behaviors, right, but not even just not even understanding what some people think, that the way that they're being treated, the way that they're responding, the way that they're living their life, even pairing their children, now right, that they don't even recognize that there is something really wrong with it and that it's not you, it's the other person.
Speaker 1:So I think sometimes, like we get into and honestly like for myself, even growing up, when I was dealing with situations with my parents, like, and I couldn't understand, I thought I was the biggest problem, right, I thought it was me, they were behaving this particular way because of me, right, not knowing that they actually had a problem, right, or even any friends that I had, right, who would be obsessive and things like that, and I'd be like, oh, now, when you grow up in an area where you didn't think that you received the love right, you didn't think that you received, you know all the things that we know that children need growing up right. So then when you start getting in relationships or friendships or anything outside of that, you think because somebody's obsessive with you, right? That oh wow, I'm the bomb. But why does that happen?
Speaker 2:That happens because those experiences in childhood, right, became intimacy to you, right, right. So if you're in a relationship that doesn't have drama, that doesn't have confusion, it doesn't have abuse, right, that's the relationship that you ultimately think you should be in and you want to be in. That's what you're attracted to, right, and that's why so many times, you know, I feel like, because I know, when I thought I had healed again you have to look at your behavior. What is your behavior communicating, right, you know, are you still in that cycle? You know, are you still are these? Do these people still have radar for you? Are they still attracted to you? Are you still attracted to them? I think more focus needs to be put on what we need to do for ourselves.
Speaker 1:Healing and inner child. Healing and inner child.
Speaker 2:I have a photo in my living room it's actually a sketch portrait that it was from a picture when I was like six years old. I don't know if you remember Sears.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, why are you playing me like that? Oh, what we the same. Stop playing me, uh-uh.
Speaker 2:So I'm Generation.
Speaker 1:X. Oh, so what am I?
Speaker 2:So are you Gen X? I don't know 43.
Speaker 1:So what generation is that? Listen, I'm about to be 44. I'm Generation Donna.
Speaker 2:So, yes, yeah, I think you're like on the cusp of something.
Speaker 1:Anyway, so Sears, so Sears, but my grandmother had took.
Speaker 2:it was me and a cousin to Sears and we had our portraits done or whatever. And anyway she sent the wallet size to my father. He was in the service and he took the picture and he had it's, you know, sketched into like a portrait and finally gave it to me, like all these years later, and I have it in my living room and it's a reminder, it serves as a reminder for me, like every time I walk by it, I think what am I doing for her today?
Speaker 2:You know just like what am I doing to? Just because a lot of times we don't even really know that we're wounded. You know, we think that we're healed, but we're really not. There's a lot going on below the veil of consciousness that we haven't been able to deal with. And I'm telling you, when they say you live your life, you know forward, but you learn it backwards, yeah, it's so true, because as you get older, so much of that starts to come back on you. It's like you're not getting away from anything, right. So I just use that as a reminder To just you know we have the power to Treat ourselves well, to love ourselves unconditionally, and I think that we need to put more focus and emphasis on that and less on these people that are dysfunctional right, but how do you know?
Speaker 1:alright? So let me ask you a question how do you know, how do a person know or you can share that with me about you, how do you know that the inner child needed to be healed?
Speaker 2:Because I continue to make poor decisions in my life as far as the people that I would allow in my circle the kind of abuse that I would accept, and Realizing that I didn't love myself enough Because I really just never my self-esteem I never really had. You know, and that's the thing like when you have to be so careful with children, because remember, we talked about this before how their egos can't process that if an adult harms them, that it's something wrong with that adult, it's nothing wrong with them. Children can't process that right. So there's really not a whole lot you can do to try to reassure them that the abuse that they endured or the way you know how yeah, yeah, that part right there is like listen, hold on, stay in there, stay in the fight.
Speaker 2:That's the thing you do, carry it with you, and so, yeah, and, and it shows up in your relationships, it shows up in how you show up in the world right. You know a lot of times. You know when we talk about anger and depression. You know Depression is basically anger turned inward. Think about suede and leather.
Speaker 1:You know, it's.
Speaker 2:It's very similar because a lot of times we repress those emotions because you know we can't deal with it. I'm glad that that's like my, that that's always been my defense mechanism because, to be perfectly honest with you, if I wasn't capable of repressing a lot of what I experienced, I wouldn't have made it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think that was definitely being able to like bury all that deep inside until I could deal with it, mm-hmm, but yeah, it's for me, it was realizing who I am in Christ.
Speaker 2:Okay once I really Realized that. You know, yes, though, the Holy Spirit is here, is within me. I've always led with love. I don't know how to be any different. I've always been very forgiving. It hasn't been hard for me to forgive people. The problem is when you keep your repeat offender, you know you're like, wait a minute, I forgave you, yeah, and I'm still allowing you to have access, and you're still doing the same thing. So it got really hard for me to get to a point where I realized that you know, because my grandmother, you know, I'm my grandmother's child, and she raised me to be all about family, and I still am, and that's the thing you have to learn how to love from a distance. The best thing you can do is pray for these people, and in doing that, though, in order to be able to do it and mean it, because you have to mean it right- Right has to really be here.
Speaker 2:But in order for you to really be able to do it, you need to be able to forgive them Right, and you know, and like the word says, when you do forgive them, you have you cannot curse them and you have to bless them. So you cannot curse them as and talk bad about them. And then you need to pray for them. And what people need to realize is, um, when you pray for others, you actually God deals with them, basically, right, and that's what you're basically praying for, right, you know, um, for him to deal with them, to grant them, like, revelation and and show them the era of their ways, hopefully lead them to Christ, because otherwise I don't see them being able to really change.
Speaker 2:And when we talk about the narcissist, they are really, um, the professionals. Uh, consider them psychiatrists, psychiatrists, consider them treatment failures, right, yeah, I remember you, because they will go, and if they go into therapy, right, they will try to manipulate the therapist. So, and remember, they don't think anything's wrong with them, which is why oftentimes they don't even have a diagnosis. Right, they're diagnosed when they're institutionalized right, where they can be studied, whether it's in corrections, whether you know they're in a mental health institution and, um, then they can get that diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. But independent of that, they're not going to go and they're not going to get help. They don't think that they have problems.
Speaker 1:They think you have problems, right and and and, because they think you have a problem, that you start thinking you had a problem, like I started thinking I'm the problem. You do they gaslight.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, gaslight. They gaslight, yeah, yeah, absolutely, so how?
Speaker 1:do you all right. So we talked about, all right, the inner child, because a lot of times when you grow up and you know certain situations, traumatic situations like you deal with PTSD, like pretty much a lot, and Sometimes you don't even write. I know for me, I'll speak for me like I didn't even realize that I still needed to heal the inner child until probably about five years ago, maybe five years ago. What was, uh, the year before COVID 2019?
Speaker 2:That was around about five years ago where I thought I had made so much progress.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like okay, no.
Speaker 1:No, no, I still I'm, but I need, and a lot of people don't even realize that. Um, as for parents, and though one of the reasons why, you know, a lot of times we have these generational, intergenerational, what we call curses or intergenerational Things that we deal with from children to children, you know, generation to generation, is because a lot of times we don't Heal the inner child, we don't heal ourselves, and then again I always say we're bleeding on our kids, like we have open wounds that we won't Adjust ourselves or take care of ourselves, because, at the end of the day, one of the things is so true is that you, you're really only responsible for yourself. Mm-hmm, even as parents, you know, legally we're responsible for our children and the upbringing of, but we can't make nobody do anything. We can't change anybody mind. We can live a life before them and then they decide to change their arm, but it's not like I could say yo, you better do this a bnc, right, you better treat me this way, you better do.
Speaker 2:No, it's really, we have the power, yeah, so talk about the power that we have, like so I feel like again, like in order to regain that power, really just to take it back. You have to. You can't keep repeating the same behavior, right? Because that's insanity. So you have to figure out and I'm not telling you to go no contact. You have to do what works for you, right? No contact may not work for you. Some people don't have the option to go no contact.
Speaker 2:Um, for me, it got to a point where, like with certain relatives, I realized that the level of jealousy Was astronomical and I would have never imagined it to be that I thought that these people would be happy for my success, because I had such a rough beginning. You know, I thought they were like Celebrating my success, and they weren't. If anything, it bothered them. And the reason why is because and I understand why God had to remove them too Because they couldn't deal with me when I was in the valley. They can't deal with me now and they and the thing is when I was in the valley. I think the only reason why they were dealing with me is so they could bask in the glow of my misery.
Speaker 2:To be honest um, because I have seen that. You know this is not innuendo, these have been my experiences. So, saying all that to say, it was very hard to admit to myself that these people didn't love me. Wow, and that, yeah right. Who wants to do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah right, you're already feeling unloved and unlovable, right, right. And then to really admit, to really admit to yourself. You know, and a lot of times your friends try to give you hope. They don't understand.
Speaker 2:You know they think it's just you're just having. You know, hey, all families have their problems, so they a lot of times will invalidate your feelings, not even knowing it, you know They'll invalidate you and say things like oh well, you know, yeah, that's your cell and so so it'll be okay, but it's like no, you're giving that person hope and I, you know, hope. Yeah, I hung one for a long time because I hope, because I really thought that there was love right when you, you can stay in a dysfunctional relationship Right, whether it's with your family or whether it's with a significant other, if you feel like they really truly love you.
Speaker 2:Right, right. But I remember when I realized that they didn't Right it was, that was yeah, that was hard, that was very hard. But again, when I say I'm healed, I know that I'm healed now, because I would not be able to have this conversation before when I wasn't healed. I would be in tears, right. And another thing is I'm still maintaining my boundaries, even though I do have moments where I miss them. You know, incredibly, but that's when I just pray, because, at the end of the day, I believe God can change anybody absolutely.
Speaker 2:God can change anybody Absolutely. So, I put it on the altar. How you say Um, you know, I I tried to make things work. You know, I know that I fought the good fight and then it just kind of got to a point where, you know, I had to really pray about it and and I asked God to show me some things and God is good about showing me some things when you're and when I wrote that was when I realized that I had an anointing.
Speaker 2:Okay right, mm-hmm, and so did you like? Was it a time where you know you realized in your life that you really had favor and that you really had an anointing on your life.
Speaker 1:Well, when I think about, or everything I knew, apparently God was there. I just didn't know he was there at the time.
Speaker 2:Right but it probably the transition of my sister is when I realized that you know for me it was looking at how, just really looking back, and because there were times where I, you know, I always believed in God, but you know, I've never been much of a religious person, even though I was, like, raised Catholic and went to Catholic school, did all my sacraments and all that. I really, you know, consider myself more of a spiritual person, and there were times where I knew I believed in God, but I question whether or not Jesus was our savior, and the reason why is because I was wondering who? Why wasn't he? If that was the case, why wasn't he there?
Speaker 1:that, that was my. Where are you listen?
Speaker 2:let me tell you but he was there all along and it makes me think about footprints. How, like you know, he was there. Because, again, like for me, like being homeless in this place, and I mean I lived in the bad lands, for a Christ sake, like, if you're familiar with North Philly, mm-hmm. Yeah, like I was there, you know, and lived in drug houses and never got high. Who does that?
Speaker 2:right that's a testimony in itself right so there, you know he was like bringing me, you know, through all that. But in hindsight I know why I had to go through those experiences, because working mental health, working with the forensic population not good by reason of insanity population, you know for years in mental health was very rewarding work, you know. But see that, all all that experience that I got from being in the street, like you know, I genuinely had regard right, right I was not looking down on them.
Speaker 2:These were people that walk me to my door at night as a young girl, getting off of the bus late, coming from work, and make sure I got in the door. So I learned at a very young age that they had value, you know, and no matter what they did, it's not our job to judge anybody. I think that's why so many people are turning away from religion is because it people come with such judgment like no Jesus pay for our sins, right, okay, past, present and future, and our only job is to believe and to love people, and I just think.
Speaker 1:I think one of the things as we think about parents and right, one of their reasons why it seemed like there's so much lack of love, is because we tend not to love ourselves. Yes, right, yeah. So you know, it's interesting. I said this on Sunday to my own bonus father. I said you know, there's two scriptures that I think about, right. One of them is love your neighbor as yourself, right, mm-hmm. And the other one is love your neighbor, neighbor as I have, love you, right, that's right.
Speaker 1:So a lot of times when we say love your neighbor as yourself, most of time people don't love themselves or don't know how to love themselves. So it's very difficult for me to love my neighbor. But if you start thinking about love your neighbor as I have loved you and you start, like you said, thinking about your experiences and in God got equity in us because we're still here, right? So if we start thinking about that more of loving them because if I love them as as God has loved me, me realizing that God loved me now I can now now you're automatically, and thank you for going there, because that's exactly what I was thinking, for example, like and this is really.
Speaker 2:I mean this, this is true. So, like I have a very extensive music genre, okay, but I love hip-hop first and foremost, okay, I can't even listen to Wu Tang anymore when they come on the playlist. I'm like I have to check because it just doesn't feel right to me right, right, yeah, you start to I start, you just start to change him ways that you would have never and I'm not saying there's anything wrong.
Speaker 2:You know still, I, still, you know we still want to listen to what we want to listen to and do what we want to do. I mean, it is what it is. We're works in progress, but I mean it's just that's just an example of some of the little things. I think. Just what I'm saying is is, as you continue to establish a relationship with God and you really realize who you are in Christ, right, right, you will make changes, you will evolve into someone.
Speaker 1:Right, because yeah, I think that love right. So this is my, this is what I believe love will want you to change yes right. So the love of God, the love for your family, the love for your kids, the love for yourself will help you change and therefore, as you change with your love, then you give other people freedom to change for their love yes, right, and what people have to understand is forgiveness is not congruent with reconciliation.
Speaker 2:I don't have to reinstate you into my life, right, right, absolutely, um, but if I see you're really putting in the work and you really want to change as a person again, you have to earn my trust, right? If that's everything in the relationship. If you don't have trust you on relationship, so you lost my trust. Because you know you disappointed me many times, you abused me and you took me for granted many times and I still let you back into my life and gave you access and so oftentimes and they really too, when you really do decide to set those boundaries and come away, they don't believe you right because we're very forgiving.
Speaker 1:You know a lot of people, but what I'm learning over time is that love covers everything. Right, I love myself not to to allow myself to be engaged in this type of relationship. I love you enough to know that this is not good for you either. It's not so I'm gonna be able to let you go. Um, I think if we don't because because the heritage what are we teaching our children? If we don't and we're not able to set boundaries right and we're not able to say listen, because our kids watch everything. They can see how people treat you. They can see how you treat them.
Speaker 2:You know they don't like it right and our children want boundaries right. You know they want discipline and they want boundaries. I feel like you know when you're a permissive parent and you just first of all and you're not their friend, I know yeah, we thought you saw the show.
Speaker 1:We were talking about this, right? Yeah, listen here. So we were talking about my son and I were only 15 years apart.
Speaker 2:Okay, but you're still not my friend. Say that again you know, and there's times he'll like try me. And even well, rhonda, I'm not your friend yo, I had this conversation, right?
Speaker 1:I'm so glad that you said that, because we I've brought this up a couple times on the show now. So I had some young men. They were like I think they're 20, they're coming back on there in March, but they were saying that when we tell our children they're not our friends, it kind of crushed their spirit or hurt their hearts, right? So then I have, you know, I have four children and I always tell my kids I'm not your little friend out there. You know how parents, I ain't your little friend out there. What we ain't gonna be doing is this you know, you get a little deeper till. Even if you're the nicest parent in the world, I ain't your little friend, so you ain't gonna be talking to me like that. So out of all four my children, one of them have a problem with me saying you're not my friend, I'm not your friend.
Speaker 1:So these young men said listen, it crushes that spirit cuz, whatever, you're the only person like they want as a friend, you want to be able to come and talk to somebody, right? You want to tell your friend everything, what's going on, or whatever. And and I was like but there's a boundary, right, cuz if I, if I treat you like you, my friend, you gonna feel like you gonna say whatever you want to me or do whatever. And then I had dr Motley on the show in her mom last week and she was like no, I'm not your friend. So we go back and forth. It's interesting to hear different people take so I'm not your friend, cuz my daughter, who was upset me saying I'm not your friend, well, don't be my friend, mom. And she was so upset about it and she's till this day she still was like, because she wants to be able to, you could talk to me without being your friend. You can be able to share everything that crazy cuz she shared everything with me.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I just be saying listen, I don't know what you're talking to, like that, cuz I'm not your friend. Adjust yourself right, because if we don't have these boundaries for our children, they're gonna think that how they talk to that you know what your friend. You be able to ride out. You joking. You say some crazy stuff, cuz I say some crazy stuff to my sister. I say some stuff to my mom too, but I know when to not to say, you know when to cut it on.
Speaker 2:But when you start treating your parent as your friend or your child like yeah, so what should take on, I'm not your friend situation, I just, you know, I come from again, like I guess it's a Gen X thing, you know, and just how I was raised to respect the hierarchy, mm-hmm. You know, first of all, and yeah, to be able to, just, there are gonna be things, are gonna be circumstances that I'm gonna have to get involved in and it's not gonna be friendly right, I got make some popular decisions.
Speaker 1:Right, I gotta make some choices yeah, so I use.
Speaker 2:I certainly could be your cough it off right. You know I definitely I'm big on making sure the lines of communication are there.
Speaker 1:You know our children have to be able to come to us, but you have to set those boundaries even as an adult like I know that there are certain things like I can joke with my parents, my bonus parents and my bio parents.
Speaker 1:I could joke with them but they say your bonus parents yeah so I I'm very conscious and sometimes I get little, little little cross the line a little bit and my bonus might be like who you talking to? Yeah, and I, like I strived up like a little girl, like I'm sorry like no but it's that respect there, like you just don't. You know, even as a adult.
Speaker 2:Now, our relationship throughout the years has changed because again, I'm grown right but it's still that respect thing no matter right, you know the old saying is no matter how long you, how old you get, I can still beat you down and we have to get to a point too, I think, where we have got to get out of our own way in our family dynamic, to our pride. Often time gets in the way of us making solid decisions about our children. For example, if and this is how it wasn't my family, again with the hierarchy Say I had an aunt that wasn't, you know, speaking to another aunt or, you know, uncle, whoever, and I don't get involved in that, that's not my business, right? I'm still going to show you respect as my aunt, as my uncle, as, you know whoever, like we just automatically knew that that was none of our business, right? Right, and those relatives didn't try to make us, you know, get involved. They didn't pull us into that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't see that anymore Now, but you know it's different now. Now it's like well, if you're not speaking to this, if I'm not speaking to this person, you can't speak to him. My kids can't speak to you, Right.
Speaker 1:You know, I know it takes a village.
Speaker 2:And when you're behaving that way, aren't you doing your children a disservice? Right, because then there's a relative that they could very well be gaining a lot from, right you know, and now they're not able to just because they pissed you off?
Speaker 1:I think so. Here it is Because I've experienced that as well. So I think when you, when you see trauma after trauma against the person that you love and although you're an authority and I respect you and I love you genuinely but how like, seeing this type of trauma over and over again towards a person that you love does kind of bring a little resentment in your heart, Right Starts to think. And the first thing I know I always thought it was like oh, I ain't going to do this to my kids when they get older. They not going to do it.
Speaker 1:But I do recall the situation when me and my siblings wasn't getting along as well as we are now. Because now we like this, that, um, where I didn't like my children didn't get a chance to experience the goodness from them, the love from them, because I was hurt. See, that's what we talk about, this intergenerational curses. Right, Because we're hurt, again we start bleeding on our kids and our kids, as you were saying, they don't get the joy of that person being in their life because of the issue you have Like as a parent. We got to like whatever issue you got with that person. That's just grown folks.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying. We have a matriarch, um, you know, in my family who I have always been very, very, very close to, um, you know, I'm very much my grandmother's child, um, because without my grandmother's love and support and prayers and again, that was another moment for me when I realized because she had passed a lot of her prayers and her Bible and things on to me and I said to myself one day I said, wow, you know, and she was so humble, you know, she had a somewhat down syndrome. She took care of and she was just. You know, my grandmother could sit, I would sit and watch her eat like a cheese and tomatoes sandwich and she would eat it with the same you know appreciation, as she would a steak.
Speaker 1:Right, okay.
Speaker 2:She was just so humble, but those same prayers that she and I know because of the situations and things that I've been brought out of. Like I know she prayed for me, she prayed for all of us, but I knew she prayed hard for me, and so that was when I realized like wow, like again when I was struggling with God, like yeah, she was praying to Jesus. This is who she was praying to for me, and nobody can ever take me away from you know what I mean From that, like I know now with conviction.
Speaker 2:you know um looking back on things, but it's important, I think, that we really understand the family history and patterns, that and things that have been laid out, and really fully examine it.
Speaker 2:And some way, somehow we have to get back to a place where we understand the importance of the village and being raised by the village, you know, and how great that really can be, you know, for our children. Because we have got to, the reason why we have so much gun violence out here now and there's so much going on now in these streets and our children are losing their lives is because they're not, they were not parented.
Speaker 1:Right, and they're not parented, and a lot of times they're being parent by parents who weren't parented either, exactly, or. I like the whole village thing, though, because I'm always saying that, you know, it takes a village to raise children, and parents need a village too, and I think in this society this time, in this generation, there's so much pride involved. Oh, I could do this by myself, or you ain't got to have, like the whole attitude of I'm giving you the same energy that you gave me. I don't need you, but in reality, we all need each other, absolutely. We really do. And I think that if we, if we could just step away from the pride issue and start stop thinking that we're an island, because, listen, I was there before when I first, you know, when I first went through a separation on my house, I got this. I wanted to prove them oh, I can do, I can parent like I can parent great, like I don't really need you to parent with me, I can do this on my own. And I remember Rhonda, probably about a couple years afterwards, because after my ex husband had left, three years later, my sister had passed away, right. So then I became a mother for real fast, right. So, but I'm still trying to be the superhero mom, right? Oh, I got to prove these people wrong. I'm not going to parent like I was parenting and thinking I had to do everything for myself because I didn't trust anybody, right? So a lot of times, that price is that you think that you could, you could do all this stuff. Now, you could. All things are possible. Whom believe? Right, I can do things, but it's so important to know that you need love and support and you need a village, if not, I remember there was a situation where I was going, I was going to work and I was going to school and I was taking care of the kids, right, and finances were just like crazy because now I had four kids, right, I was like, really, my house about to go on foreclosure, like I felt like such a failure.
Speaker 1:I was like crying and I wouldn't let anybody know what was going on with me. Like I had such a oh, I need to be able to. I can't listen. I slept on the streets and the train stations in the park. So what I'm not gonna do is allow people to think that I went back there Like I'm not gonna be homeless and stuff.
Speaker 1:So I had such a pride issue where I literally shut down from everybody and I was just laying there and crying and crying. I disconnected from people because I was one ashamed and my pride was so big like, okay, this is bad. And I didn't realize the importance of a support system because I felt like, grown up I've never had that real support system. So in return, though my kids begin to suffer because my pride, I wouldn't connect with people to help me out of a situation. So I remember one time my sister she had called me and I didn't answer the phone for no reason. My prayer partner and I remind you, I've been six o'clock every morning. We talked about everything and this was early in our relationship, but I couldn't let them know what was going on with me, cause from the outside, everything looked good Donna's a nurse, she has a house, she has a car, pretty much their portion of lifestyle and I remember just crying, crying so bad.
Speaker 1:My sister and my parents showed up at my house.
Speaker 1:I was sitting on the floor crying, and they was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I finally had to break out.
Speaker 1:Listen, I'm about to lose my house. And I thought that was gonna be the worst thing because, again, I was homeless before. So I was like, oh man, I can't do this. I'm out here in the streets looking for places where me and my kids to live, you know, in the woods, in the car, like, because I'm like preparing myself that if I lose this house I don't have no money cause I had got injured. So it's crazy how you experienced so much of life and that post traumatic is so bad, because it wasn't until probably about five years ago when I used to drive. Like I always be looking for a backup plan. Right, even in Christ, loving God, I'm always looking for a backup plan. I'm like, all right, so if something happy happened to me, I'm gonna park my truck over there and the woods are over there under that bridge is what me and my kids going do, like real life stuff, because of the things that I've dealt with and I was like I gotta have a plan now.
Speaker 2:And what he wants us to do is believe and you know it's not really enough to believe in God. We have to believe into the what is it like? Over 7,000 promises. I think we're supposed to believe in the promises that he essentially made for us, for our lives, that have already been there you know, but we just didn't, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wasn't, my faith wasn't strong, but it's still again, life experiences, right, it kind of overtake you sometimes when you're, when things just I'm telling you, sometimes it feels like action, curse your God of camera. I say it all the time. It's like yo, you just got pumped, cause I mean, how many things can pile up on, pile up on pile up right.
Speaker 1:So I just remember crying so bad and so ashamed. So I thought about and that's how parenting and purpose kind of began because it's like we need a village, right, we cannot do this on our own. You know all he's saying oh, I don't need a man in the house, I don't need a father for my kids. It's literally putting out the wrong signal Just because you and that man does not connect. Your children need a father.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I never thought that my dad not really being around.
Speaker 2:And we have a great relationship now, you know loving the death he started over. You know I have a eight year old brother and my dad is just, he's amazing, he's an amazing father. But yeah, I didn't think that him not being in my life I didn't think that it damaged me but it did because I chose bad partners. Because that relationship, you know, as a young girl with your father, you know that's how you learn how to be treated essentially Right. And I've always told, like my guy friends and stuff. You know over the years that had girls, you know, when you just little things, like when you go to pick her up from school, take her some flowers, you know, and that's instilling in her early on that this is how she's supposed to be treated.
Speaker 2:So I didn't realize until I got older that not having my dad around really definitely did do a number on me, but yeah, I mean, and there's no substitute, really, because I had uncles, you know, and I thought, well, I got my mom and I got my aunts and I got my grandmother and I got everybody, and I don't, but you do, you do need them, yeah and yeah, and that's the thing. The breakdown of our family system, especially in BIPOP community, it really bothers me. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think you know it's good to be a strong woman, right? You know I always say strong women.
Speaker 2:I think any person should be strong, whether you're a woman or a man, like strong people and like one of the one of the group homes like when I lived in is called a Union Industrial Home for Children. It was located in Trenton on Bellevue Avenue.
Speaker 2:I had briefly lived there with my son as a very young girl with him, and they had like offered like transitional housing for the residents there and that kind of thing. But anyway, I had reached out to them and connect. I was trying to connect because I wanted to, you know, get involved and definitely donate, to try to give back, because they did a lot of parenting classes, like we were, you know, all very young with children, you know, unwed mothers, you know, and they had a lot. It was a structured environment for us and so. But they have now become an organization called the Father Center, okay, and I want to say you some information about that because it would be great and I'm sure you know there's somebody there that would love to come one your platform and talk about their projects. But they are and I'm so excited because their focus is we got to get the dads, we got to work on the dads.
Speaker 2:We got to work on the dads. We got to get them, you know, built them up and get them what they need and the resources so that they can be stronger for their families. And I just love it and I'm definitely going to.
Speaker 1:I think it's so important because a lot of so I talked to a lot of.
Speaker 1:You know, we always hear from the single mom perspective, right?
Speaker 1:So I've had a couple of guys on the show and we're talking about the single dad perspective and I actually have some more guys coming on because I want more men to be talking about and it's it seemed like it's it's that disconnect from the mother and the father and our children are suffering because I'm not with you and it's just so much drama and things like that, but instead of like really thinking about the child. You know, and a lot of single dad, a lot of dads, has expressed to me that the reason why they can't have the relationship with their child like they want is because of the mom, and so they start to break down. You know, the mom don't want to see me with nobody else, so then they start. Or if I don't pay child support, I can't see my kids, Like all these things that really outside of the relationship, like it's hindering their relationship with their children, and it's like we're hindering that. We keep saying, oh, the dads ain't nothing, we don't want them around, but yet we're hindering them from being around.
Speaker 1:Yes, so, I think it's so important Like I didn't realize how important again I've seen, you know, single women like really hold it down, and then you get all these. You know, when you see professional athletes and stuff. I was raised by a single mom, so everybody's like, oh, it's okay to be a single mom. I mean, you got to do what you got to do. At the same time, it's so important, for is that yours?
Speaker 2:I don't know, like what's going on. I thought I turned it off.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, but it's so important to have the fathers in the house, as we said, and I think that as moms, we really need to work on those relationships so that we don't again we breaking those curses right, we breaking, you know, time after time again we see, you know, the lack of a man in the household or even a lack of the man being connected to our children, and then they grow up and become that way and then their children, their children, children. So I think it's definitely part of that self healing process, you know, healing the inner child, healing yourself, so that we can break some of these things, because we really, ultimately, we have the power to break it.
Speaker 2:And it's not happening. The conversations are being had, but I just think where the breakdown, the dichotomy lies like right there when it's like okay, the relationship doesn't work out. When the relationship doesn't work out, it usually like usually, when those divisions are so powerful is at a time where there was hope and then all of a sudden there was none. And everybody's feelings at that point are just like and they're at war.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:And then there's nobody to step in and say hey, you know what, take some time, don't be so rash about your decisions and just step away from the situation and try to look at it from the outside, look at it in the emotional intelligence just really isn't there. So I think what we need to try to do is just continue to mentor, absolutely Continue to pray and just I always, always, always, always pray for restoration for the family, because family is very, very important.
Speaker 1:But you have to set those boundaries.
Speaker 2:It's healthy for everybody. You have to have those boundaries in place, and I have so much peace now for sticking with those boundaries and maintaining them. I can't see myself ever going back, and that's when I realized that I actually had come to a place where I had healed.
Speaker 1:I think that's so important. You said that about really keeping the boundaries, because what happens is, you know, a lot that's emotional fences, basically Our emotional fences, and then we get into the people pleas and the stuff, because we haven't set those boundaries right, because we're seeking, and that's a whole, nother conversation, because that's the codependency, yeah so I think and that's the important of healing yourself, the inner child, because then you know, you know as a child you want to please your parents all the time or you want to please your friend, like as children, they seek the please people.
Speaker 1:So when you see an adult who's seeking the please somebody, it's because they haven't really dealt with the inner child and I've experienced with that. You know I could say that I'm still a work in progress because you know, I don't want to hurt people, phillies, I want everybody to be okay. I want the peace. You know what I mean. But at the same time I realized something that I was part of this book club with my bonus parents and we were reading a book by a pastor, tory Roberts, and one of the things that in the book it talks about you not being a sacrifice. That's it. Like I'm not the sacrifice. I'm not the sacrifice. I constantly tell myself now, because before it's like it didn't matter what I was dealing with. I want the good for someone else.
Speaker 2:So the name, the name for that in the the toxic family of origin, is escape code.
Speaker 1:Escape, okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:With these anonymous, with being the escape code.
Speaker 1:So I always you know, I've never really told people no, I'm like all right, I can help you with this. But then you get so burned out you can't pour from an empty cup, right, we hear it over and over again. But you get so burned out and then finally, like I really had come to a conclusion, like listen. I ain't just saying so, I have to remind myself. I talk about healing the inner child.
Speaker 2:I'm constantly telling myself I'm not the sacrifice you ain't going nobody call Not the sacrifice, and what it is is too is. I spent so many years and I just want to you know as we get ready to come to an end. I know we're winding down.
Speaker 2:I just I spent so many years thinking something was wrong with me. Yeah, it got in the way of me being able to have confidence, you know, and my abilities and myself. And it wasn't until people started mirroring back to me you know who I was and sharing with me. You know how they saw me, that you know. I started to believe, like wow, like I am lovable.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know I'm, you know it's not my fault, that wasn't my fault. So, and it's sad, I feel like it's taken me a long time to get here. But again, I wouldn't take anything from my journey, because I'm understanding now why I needed to go through everything that I needed to go through and that's why I'm so transparent about a lot, because I really could care less when anybody thinks about me. You know, I'm at that stage now, you know my life, where it's like, you know, and it's very freeing.
Speaker 2:I've heard, you know I heard women talk about this stage for a long time where it's just like you know, you, just you know who you are in Christ and you know you're a good person and it just doesn't matter when anybody else thinks so we have to share those experiences and you know we have to pass that. You know, share the information, pass it on. I don't want if someone else can take something away from it and say, wow, okay, yeah, maybe it is my family and it's not me, because it can really take a toll on you. It can really take a toll on you and keep you from your purpose. You know in life and I really understand now why those people they couldn't come with me. They just couldn't come with me. Now their story would be, you know, and I know it is is well, you know she thinks that that it's Doug and it's like come on that's not even me, that's not even my personality.
Speaker 1:That's part of their personality.
Speaker 2:But to maintain that toxic family dynamic.
Speaker 1:And that's the thing.
Speaker 2:Like they don't, want anybody anything disrupting that.
Speaker 1:Right, Wow. So I don't know if you guys have been blessed by tonight. Like there's a lot of things that we said tonight that probably resonate with you. Just make sure that again, the whole purpose of the show tonight is that you know we need to heal the inner child. I think it's so important that we deal with our hurt, our trauma, our pain so that, so that we can be better for society, be ready for our kids, be better for ourselves. And if we don't deal with that inner stuff, it's going to start spilling and bleeding all over the place. So I thank you because we're going to have to do this again, Because we need to get to the meat meat of it. I certainly appreciate you coming on the show and having a conversation. Having a conversation with you is always great, Like we can be you know hours and hours and hours talking about stuff.
Speaker 2:We could go on and on and on. I knew this was going to happen, yeah.
Speaker 1:But I certainly appreciate the transparency and the openness when we talk about this type of stuff, because, you know, this is a conversation that most people don't have. We don't talk about.
Speaker 2:I really, really appreciate you. You know giving the community this platform, you know, and this, just this opportunity, and God bless you and he's going to continue to order your steps, and it's just amazing that you're giving people this platform to come on and even have these conversations. Thank you.
Speaker 1:We love you, jal, thank you. Thank you for joining Parenthood with the purpose. I am your host, donna Janell. As you know, we are bringing back the responsibility and nobility and beauty back into parenting, so check us out weekly at 7 PM on cmpradionet. Bye, thank you.
