Every parent knows that moment when you're staring into the eyes of your child and see a glimpse of the future. It's in these moments that the weight of our role truly sinks in. I'm Donna Janel, and together with Dr. Kristen Ball Motley and her mother, Mrs. Edith Ball, we navigate the turbulent waters of parenting. From the nuances of father-daughter dynamics to the evolution of tough love, we share our stories and shed light on the complexities of shaping young minds in a rapidly changing world.
Parenting is a tapestry of joy and challenges, each thread a lesson in resilience and love. Whether you're part of a blended family or standing firm in the face of teenage rebellion, this episode promises a treasure trove of insights. We delve into the art of setting boundaries and the struggle to maintain authority amidst the lure of technology. Listen closely as we reveal how we balance the push for independence with the pull of protection, crafting a space where the voices of our children can be both heard and guided.
As we wrap up, I reflect on the journey we embark on as parents, the silent prayer that our teachings will arm our children with kindness and integrity in an often unkind world. With Dr. Kristen and Ms. Edith, we underscore the importance of community in parenting and the collective endeavor to sculpt the next generation. So join us, as we anchor our hearts in the hope that the arrows we launch are not only aimed at success but are also imbued with the courage and compassion to change the world.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Every parent knows that moment when you're staring into the eyes of your child and see a glimpse of the future. It's in these moments that the weight of our role truly sinks in. I'm Donna Janel, and together with Dr. Kristen Ball Motley and her mother, Mrs. Edith Ball, we navigate the turbulent waters of parenting. From the nuances of father-daughter dynamics to the evolution of tough love, we share our stories and shed light on the complexities of shaping young minds in a rapidly changing world.
Parenting is a tapestry of joy and challenges, each thread a lesson in resilience and love. Whether you're part of a blended family or standing firm in the face of teenage rebellion, this episode promises a treasure trove of insights. We delve into the art of setting boundaries and the struggle to maintain authority amidst the lure of technology. Listen closely as we reveal how we balance the push for independence with the pull of protection, crafting a space where the voices of our children can be both heard and guided.
As we wrap up, I reflect on the journey we embark on as parents, the silent prayer that our teachings will arm our children with kindness and integrity in an often unkind world. With Dr. Kristen and Ms. Edith, we underscore the importance of community in parenting and the collective endeavor to sculpt the next generation. So join us, as we anchor our hearts in the hope that the arrows we launch are not only aimed at success but are also imbued with the courage and compassion to change the world.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Will Hina To the Elapplause demon We'llets. Thanks for the Past, hina. Hey everybody, welcome back to Parents With a Purpose. I am your host, donna Janell, and you know my mean. My model is bringing back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting.
Speaker 1:As you know, as I say every week, parenting is not for the week and I'm feeling that today Parenting is not for the week. I'm telling you, you got to be strong with these kids and you know kids aren't the same as when I was younger and my parents parents. I know time changed, people changed, but these are some different children in this world today. So you know it's a hard not life out here for parents and you know, as the show, we just want to be able to encourage you, motivate you, inspire you. A lot of times just encouraging me, motivate me and inspire me how to be the best mom I can be, because right now I'm in a house with teenagers, as you guys know. This is the part of life that you sometimes wonder why the God allow you to become a parent, why I'm telling you I have the 17 year old and the 215 year old that I don't know if they own me or if I own them. I don't know who's winning in the house. Maybe the dog is winning right now, or the cat, because I just don't feel like I'm winning right now. So, uh, we're going to talk about stuff like that today, and you know, my, my motto also is that parents, we are the bows and our children are on the arrows and they will land wherever we send them. It may not be today, may not be tomorrow, but eventually they will land, um, if we dress them with the right shoes, if we don't send them outside naked, if we close them properly, because, let me tell you, if we don't close our children, the world will close them. And let me tell you, have you seen some of these kids have been closed by the world. It ain't nice, it ain't pretty. Now, everybody started making you think about being human when you see some of these products that's out here in the streets, right? So we're going to talk about today, today, my guess is the one and only Dr Kristen Ball Motley and her mom, uh, miss Edith Ball. Hello, welcome to the show.
Speaker 1:So today, we're going to talk about raising successful heroes. What does it take? Um, they're going to share their story, how they navigate it, um, through this uh, cause, as you can tell, uh, dr Motley is a grown woman now, but she had to start from somewhere. She had to start from somewhere and, uh, I'm looking forward to because I'm telling you, I got these teenagers right now and I'm literally I'm pulling my hair in the hair I brought out, okay, so let's get it down what I want you to tell us a little bit about yourself. Tell us, um, we'll start with mom, cause she, you know she's a hooder, I know she's ready and you're at the top. Um, tell us a little bit about yourself. Uh, uh, mary, how many years you've been parents and, like you know all the good stuff.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, I um got married in 1985, I believe Um Christy was four and, uh, you know we've been. My husband and I are still together. Okay, thank goodness.
Speaker 1:All right, what, what, what? Okay, we're so opposite. Yes, we're so opposite.
Speaker 2:We're totally opposite in how we, how we think about things and how we feel about things. And I'm more stricter, sterner, okay, Harder, maybe I should say hard, but I say hard stricter harder. He's more, softer and more. You know, touchy feelio. It's okay, it's all right and I'm like no it's not all right. So you know, I mean, we do compliment each other.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:And I love him. He loves me, no question. I'm there for him If he needs me. He's there for me If I need him. And Kristen grew up in a household like that. Okay, you know, she saw both of us being different, but still together, her and her sister, jennifer. Okay.
Speaker 1:So you have two children, I have two, all right.
Speaker 2:And eight years apart. They're both. They're both born in February, all right, and the and their dad is February two. Actually, I had her on my mother's birthday, so my next month will be 92. Oh and Kristen. How are you going to be 40?, 43.
Speaker 1:43. Now, Kristen, are you the oldest? She's old.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:And Jennifer is what?
Speaker 1:32, 33, something like that, oh wow, so you had two girls, two girls. Oh yeah, we got talk. Yeah, and I'm also a step mom, I bonus mom.
Speaker 2:I like to say I don't, okay, I don't, I don't like step children step, and my husband has three older children Whoa, okay, before we got married. So yeah, so I have a blended family and I have, you know, my girls too.
Speaker 1:Now the older children. Are they females? And two, two girls and a boy.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes and sure, the boy stayed with me and his dad because he was giving his mother trouble, didn't? Want to go to school, didn't want to listen, so we got him. I went and got him, you know, talked to her about it, talked to my husband about it and I went and got him and, trust me, when I got done, look at her face.
Speaker 1:I don't even know if I want to see that she's smiling. I'm telling you y'all see that she like when I went and got him.
Speaker 2:Trust me, I'm going to death all of them, but I don't play when it comes to education. Okay. I know how important it is for us especially. Okay, and he's not, and none of none of our children are dummies. All of them have something to give to this world.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and finding out each individual thing you know process. That's what you have to do as a parent. You have to know your kids and you, and it starts with in loving them.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Starts with them having positive influences in that house. You can't have all that turmoil. And then they come up. I mean some can go through it and still rise to the top.
Speaker 1:Right. And others cannot Right it's definitely a challenge, kind of have like a balance in the house.
Speaker 2:I think you know, and having a husband home and having a dad home that's involved helps Especially with the boys.
Speaker 1:I like how you just said that, though you said having a husband home, having a dad home involved, because we know in some households that that could be two people in the same household and they it's a total disconnect. Like you know, either it's turmoil or it's just pretty much the dad could be there, just not involved, but the mom could be there and not be involved. So I like how you said that, like literally having them involved is what makes a difference.
Speaker 2:It does make a difference and Chris can tell you that. You know we had our different roles. You know he did certain things and I did certain things.
Speaker 1:So you had to understand that.
Speaker 2:You know you had to understand that you had to stand it that sort of thing and I was very proud because my son he went to Chesterhawk for them in Votech. I had to go up there one time. What Look at?
Speaker 1:you See, mom, I don't know if I want to keep looking at you, because all I can see is like I see.
Speaker 2:And the boys who are blocked some of them are grown now they were, you know, you know, raised around the same time. They were there, they remember. They remember when you came up to that Votech. Yeah, I know you don't do I mean nobody probably forgot that. I mean nobody forgot that I had to go back and when he graduated he got class day. His name was called. He got the most outstanding corporate term. This is maintenance. He was in the class, you know and I mean. So that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Okay, you can you have to set boundaries?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:You have to set boundaries, but that boy know I loved him.
Speaker 1:I still love him for the day. You know he's my son Right when he went.
Speaker 2:I got you know the other four girls and him.
Speaker 1:Wow, so, yeah. So what's your take on all this, mom? I don't even know if I want to look at mom because I feel like she like listen here. Yeah, never again had to go up there.
Speaker 3:I mean I was, I was there, I was, I'm a witness in the product. So yeah, I think it did. I mean I know it did help having two parents in the household and having two parents that were completely opposite, Because my mom as you can see, she be doing the most, but my dad, he was like a calming spirit. I could talk to my dad, I couldn't talk to my mom about the same things because it would just be a whole thing.
Speaker 3:So it was nice to be able to have a parent that I could talk to and you know, to have that balance was good Now for her. It was good for her to stay on me and to have high expectations and all of that, because that's why you see who I am now. But it was still good for me to at least have an outlet and be able to have a parent that I could talk to.
Speaker 1:Because you could not talk to her. Talk about why you couldn't talk to her, though. Let's talk about because you know, this girl mom thing like I'm struggling y'all, I am struggling out here y'all, I am not Listen y'all. This might be therapy for me today, because I just don't know what's going on.
Speaker 2:But does dads have a special connection to their daughters and moms have a special connection to the sons, and I really believe that. I really believe that.
Speaker 3:I think too. I think because my mom is so reactive, she got a thing to say to everything, like she's so reactive, and so my dad would just listen. I talked to him and he would listen. He wouldn't have solutions, he wouldn't judge what I'm saying, but my mom was like, well, why you do this, why you do this? And it was always a reaction and that's what made him harder to talk to her.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:This is her personality. She can't help with it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I see you need to get somebody over here, like you just walked through the door, but how you doing, how you doing, oh my goodness, I think that I don't know what the I think daddy's. I believe there's a such thing as daddy's girl and there's a such thing as mommy's girl. But I think, like, growing up, mostly I can see daddy's girl. But as you get older, as an adult, I can see, like I see the relationship change with mothers and daughters, like it becomes more of a friendship Still a respectful, I don't think. Do you guys have more of a friendship now that you're old?
Speaker 1:No, look at my face, I can't see, I just want to say I don't need nothing more to say that.
Speaker 3:Well, I remember growing up, my mom would say this I'm not your friend, I'm not your friend, I'm your mother, and so that's what. Like that boundary was set a long time ago and it just that's just how it's just been. Yeah, I'm not your friend. She hasn't said that to me recently, but just so much about her and her life.
Speaker 2:So much, yeah, because when you are parenting, you got so much on your plate and the world is not nice.
Speaker 1:It's not.
Speaker 2:And then Kristen. She left home at 18 and went down to Florida A&M and she didn't come home until she was a grown woman. So she was away from me from 18 to 26. By the time she got out of University of Georgia. You would choose like 25, 26, something like that, and that's when she came home. So I mean, she wasn't really under the influence of me during that period, and that's a really, really tough period. You know when you're raising a young lady. You're away from your mother from 18 to 26.
Speaker 1:That's a lot, that's a lot.
Speaker 2:So I mean, and then her sister, she stayed local. So she was in the house the whole time until she was old enough to get her on her own place through school, and she went away to school too. But she also was local because she went to wider for her nursing degree, so she was back and forth.
Speaker 1:I had these gentlemen on the show last week, right, and the conversation it was a phenomenal conversation. But that topic parents as friends came up right and you know these guys are 20, 21, somewhere around there and they were trying to give me their perspective about this whole parent and friend thing and how it hurts a child when you say I'm not your friend. Yeah, I can see that I was trying, because I tell my kids all the time I'm not your friend, because I believe that again, that boundary has to be set, like because you can't talk to me, like you talk to your friend, like I want to be open for conversation, but it's not on the same level. It's definitely not, because then the respect changes. So most of my kids receive that, except for the one, the one that tests my inner gangster.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she is really hurt that I say I'm not her friend and I'm like why would you? I'm not your friend, like I'm so serious I'm not your friend. But she's a little bit more emotional and so when the gentleman was on the show last week was kind of talking about it, I kind of understood from her perspective a little bit more. He said because what if you're the only person connected her and she cause she maybe she doesn't have friends or she hasn't value the friends as much as she value you. So when you say that you're not their friend, it hurts them, put them at a different emotional state. Now I don't know, these kids are a little different than me. Like I mean, we grew up with some tough skin. Like I mean, you ain't hurt, you ain't hurt. I want you to be my friend for real for real.
Speaker 2:That's what I want to do with that man.
Speaker 2:That's the thing that I didn't love you and that means that I didn't listen and didn't care about what you were going through. But the family got to be set there because friends have a different relationship with you than your mother and than your parent hacks. Your friends have a very different relationship. They look at you differently and, as a parent, I'm not gonna look at you as my. I'm gonna be with my child. I'll go out into the world and you know I can take you out.
Speaker 1:Oh God, hey y'all. This is why I'm sitting up in here at the corner, so nervous in here.
Speaker 2:They're already in the middle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause, like I already, felt it Like she, like she ready to go. You know that whole. I brought you to work and take you out. It's still a little scary At 44 for me, right.
Speaker 2:That's what we heard. Right, that's what my generation heard. You know they are, our family is rough. I mean, you know they wasn't playing and they taught you.
Speaker 1:Now let me ask you a question with that, because, although you grew up in that rough parents and type thing, as a child growing up, how did you feel about that?
Speaker 2:Well, my mom I was a single, my mom was a single my mom stayed with my. We stayed with my grandmother until she was 12, she got married when I was 12. And we moved out of a community that I had a lot of family and friends in.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So I mean, you know, she was really kind of like. She was kind of like you know, she go with the flow she had other children to raise to his children he had custody of his kids. So it was six of us in the house. I was older, the oldest of six.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And so I mean so her attention was spread all around. But I always had kind of like strong I can say so, I mean so you just so I mean, so I didn't. I mean, it didn't really affect me that much Okay.
Speaker 2:You know I went to school, did what I had to do. You know I took care of my younger brothers and sisters but you know, like she asked me to, when we were without or something, you know, we all went out to a party or went out to do something. I made sure we all got home. One time I was very responsible like that and I still am, and I raised Kristen to be, you know, responsible.
Speaker 1:So the way you raise, the way that you raise your children is basically how your parents, how your mom, raised you, or I don't think so.
Speaker 2:I think I'm more tougher on them.
Speaker 1:A little tougher yeah.
Speaker 2:So I definitely am.
Speaker 1:Well, where did you?
Speaker 2:get the toughness from the bad was where did it come from? Where did the toughness come from it? Just, it's just how my daughter was like that.
Speaker 1:That's what I'm saying right here, Like have you bought a bottom mom over here?
Speaker 2:And the thing about me is I was the same with their friends and I mean I didn't, but, and one thing I have to say about parenting and about people in general you can't pick people, so you can't talk about people's kids. You know you shouldn't say, oh, this little girl here. You don't know what that child would have grown up to be.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:And Kristen was allowed to have any friends, all friends, anybody she wanted to bring to that house, oh, okay and all, and it didn't matter to me, as long as they was respectful. Okay, you always got to take them hats off Cause my husband he was a type of person, he was old school. You're not coming to that house without taking that hat and not speaking.
Speaker 1:That's not what happened today.
Speaker 2:They come right on in. I don't know if they take the hat off or you know, good morning or good afternoon.
Speaker 1:It's definitely different. I'm expressing my inner thoughts. Yeah, it's something different now.
Speaker 2:So I mean, you know, I mean, but that's how, that's how they were raised, you know, and I expected them to behave that in that manner if they go to somebody else's house, to be respectful.
Speaker 1:Now did you have times, like you know, chris was Kristen like how was she growing up low, like in her teenage year? Cause it seemed like that's what, that disconnect we have in these teenage years.
Speaker 2:I mean she, she gave me wrong for my money a couple of times.
Speaker 1:How did you deal with this? See, that's give me a little bit. My mom is spilling the juice right now, dr Motley listen, she's a typical teenager.
Speaker 2:it's like everybody else.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:She'll tell you that herself. You know she's no different than nobody else, but it's just that certain things and that's not going to be tolerated, like talking back all that stuff. I mean she went, no goody, two shoes. She was just like everybody else, so she had to be punished.
Speaker 3:I punished her Stay on punishment.
Speaker 1:You stayed off that.
Speaker 3:Stay on punishment I punished her.
Speaker 1:She had to be punished. Oh, what would you like, dr Motley? What would you do? The people want enough, oh man.
Speaker 3:It was mostly a boys thing. Okay, it was mostly boys and just lying, and you know, lying, thinking and just being a high schooler, yeah, she was.
Speaker 2:High schooler Typical.
Speaker 3:Typical, typical, typical.
Speaker 2:Typical. This is doing the most. That's one of them.
Speaker 1:Wow. So how did this doing the most, Like most teenagers? So let me ask you a question why were you doing the most? I don't know. You know cause. I'm here and my mom had a strict household. I'm here because sometimes you know, when you come from a strict household, when you get out you decide to be loud, or I wasn't trying to.
Speaker 3:No, it just happened. I don't feel like I was trying to, but you didn't really start dating until you was like what, 16, 17?
Speaker 2:You weren't yeah, so she didn't.
Speaker 1:her first date, her first goddess, she like but wait, mom you talking, cause she said she was sneaking, so I'm trying to hear what she was saying out here.
Speaker 3:Well, just like I'm supposed to be one place but I'm really somewhere else, stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah.
Speaker 3:But yeah, I don't feel like I was trying, it was just what was happening in my life.
Speaker 1:I don't know how to explain it. It just was what you was doing. The hormones was different, everything was different, so, but how did you handle that though? Like raising a door, like raising a, I mean, I hear you. You know, you was a little rough.
Speaker 2:I had parameters so she was like you go out there and get caught, you gonna be on punishment, as simple as that. And I prayed. I prayed too for my daughters, and you know, keep them safe and do whatever you know, because you don't know what's going on out there.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:Behind closed doors. You know and you know, so I just I had to trust that I did the right thing, raising her.
Speaker 1:Right. And that she wouldn't go too far.
Speaker 2:Right and she didn't, she didn't. She basically was a good person and I think Kristin has a good heart, like me.
Speaker 1:I do too.
Speaker 2:I help anybody. I don't have to know you.
Speaker 1:So you said a lot of her friends would come around and stuff. So you allowed her to go to different like different houses and stuff, Not for the night. That that okay, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm Talk about that because, like people, like nowadays kids are like just be out there.
Speaker 2:I don't like it. I don't like it. And the thing about it is you don't know who else is in that household. Mm-hmm, you don't know who's coming to the household.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And you know it's too much stuff out, and even back then it was stuff happening you know. So I didn't have her. She wouldn't allow to spend no night out, but I would tell her. If they want to come here, they can come here Because, first of all, my husband was very respectful and if I had Kristin or I had friends there, he'd be upstairs. He didn't sit down around them, around those kids and these little girls.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:He would go upstairs, he would stay upstairs, he would watch TV or do whatever he had to do upstairs, so they could have the whole downstairs to themselves.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And everything like that. And that's the thing that if he was a type that wouldn't, I think I would have a problem with it, right, and I know I would.
Speaker 3:And then I would go to kick home, it can't come.
Speaker 2:She wasn't going to nobody else's house because I just I just didn't believe in all that.
Speaker 1:I don't believe in that either and with this day in time, like with my oldest, my oldest is going to be 25. And I never let her stay the night out or anything like that. That was just not a thing. Like people come over here, you just can't. But I used to think that it was more of my trauma response because of things that have grown up, a lot of things that's happened to me growing up. So I thought maybe it was for me, it was more protection and also fear. So but as she got older, you know, and I explained to her now A, b and C and then now with she didn't even give me a hard time about that 25, you know she probably be 25. These 15 and 17 year olds like my, the girls, the 15 and 17 year old they said Halloween, can we stay night at our friend's house Halloween and go to school from there?
Speaker 3:And they just make it up new stuff. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen to that new stuff. I'm like yo, yo, yo. I was like I almost was like I couldn't even swallow my saliva because I just was like you got me kidding me. All right, ashley Kushner is running around here with a camera and said you just got punk Because ain't no way you thought that was a good idea to ask me something like that. But yeah, and they were so serious about it and they couldn't understand why, first of all, you're not standing over nobody's house. I don't even know these people or or their parents. Secondly, you want to go to school from there and I ain't going to see you in the morning. Like, we don't get that up. The math is not math and I know y'all got new math, but that math is never going to be my math. And I had to keep explaining to them like why that's not a good idea. And I explained to Connie when you were like you don't know who's at the other person's house, you don't know who's coming in now. It's just not that I don't. No, I don't trust them because I don't know them. I can't trust somebody that I don't know, right?
Speaker 1:So they gave me such a hard time and I didn't let. I stood my ground. Absolutely, you crazy. It's not any crazy thing. It wasn't even like it was around the corner down the street. No, no, that's another city over. Like I'm in Middletown, they try and go to Dover. Like you're going to pass your school and I'm part of the truck, like that's just not. But they do stuff like that and and and you know what they'll say to me though. Well, my friends, well, first of all, I don't know what parents going to allow something like that to happen anyway, but you know, everybody's different. I can't judge parents and, however, the reason why they didn't think it was an issue is because most of their friends were doing this. They were standing right at each other's house, they were leaving and go to school and I just couldn't, in my heart, like in my mind, just get that and the culture is different.
Speaker 2:We have the cultures different. The culture is different because even Brea, who wanted to spend the night, was at the time. She wouldn't spend the night or spend some time with a friend of hers. I think it was around her. Was it around her birthday time or something, I don't know. Something happened. She was really upset that she wasn't able to go.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, All her friends were gone.
Speaker 2:All her friends were gone and I took her to the side and explained to her why. Why her mother felt the way she did, and I told her the same way. I said your mom couldn't spend the night out. I said because it's a safety issue and not that we don't trust you.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Not that we don't trust you to do what you're supposed to do, I said but it's. It would be very uncomfortable and it would be terrible if you got there and something happened.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:You get blamed for it. You know what I'm saying and soon as something happened, you're going to be the one to get blamed for it.
Speaker 2:You know you ain't going. That's what she said.
Speaker 3:The same way she said as soon as something happened, they're going to blame you for it.
Speaker 2:You know you ain't going over there. That's what she said. That's what she said and I said well, you can go and spend the day with her yeah, just go. And spend the day, Y'all two together. You go out to other folks and just have a good time and then just come on over.
Speaker 3:So what I ended up doing was I let her go during the day and I picked her up around eight or something. Okay. Yeah, I mean there's no way you are spending the night in a stranger's house.
Speaker 2:I think people are strangers to me. I don't know them.
Speaker 3:So, I just let her go for the day and they hung out and had fun and then I picked her up like around eight o'clock or nine or something like that.
Speaker 1:It's like they don't get in. I mean, they're still growing too, so they're not going to get our perspective and they're not going to understand me. But we try to explain to them in a way where they can understand it, where it doesn't crush their feeling. But let you know, listen, this ain't happening, you know, I don't even know why they think it's good. I guess because they want what they want, and especially if a lot of people are already doing it we talk about their peer pressure and stuff like that, all that stuff. It's like I want to be the cool kid. I don't want to be like, oh, my mom, too strict.
Speaker 2:So the world has changed so much, it's changed so much. And the kids today, they just are so free spirited about everything. But we were a little shelter. We put a little shelter on our children a little.
Speaker 3:We were sheltered. Our kids got access to everything, they got access to everything, and that social media is true.
Speaker 2:It's a lot, because everybody's on social media, everybody's on social media and you know, if you don't have a phone at 10, you know you're the odd man out and I think that's ridiculous because you really need a phone at 10.
Speaker 3:I'm like Brea how is a phone going to make your life better? Yeah, so I have a 12 year old daughter. Her name is Brea. How's your life going? Everybody has a phone. She needs a phone every year for Christmas, every year for her birthday. The phone's at the top of the list. How's it going to make your life better? Tell me how it will make your life better. I will consider those reasons and we'll talk about getting a phone.
Speaker 3:She has not given me any rationale that makes sense For me to spend money on a device that's not going to improve your life no, I'm not doing it. So she still don't have a phone. She has an Apple Watch so that if she needs to call or text whoever, she can do it that way. But she's not going to sit all day on the phone. That's not going to make her life better, so she's not.
Speaker 1:I was like I growing, raising my kids, I was pretty much strict. Again, I was pairing a lot out of fear. And then also, with two out of the four, both parents are deceased. So it was like I just had to be this parent where I want to make sure that they become successful. There's nothing hand-drawn in our life.
Speaker 1:So I didn't have the phone thing with them, I didn't let them have phones. Listen, they was going to be at 730 every night. I literally was, but it wasn't like, oh, you come in house going to bed. You know, we spent family time. There was no TV during the week, there was no cell phones, and to the point where I literally had to cut off the cable because it didn't make sense to have cable. Basically, they were watching TV Friday night and Saturday till eight because we had church on Sunday. So it really wasn't much.
Speaker 1:But once I started now that I look back on it because again there's 16, wait, 15 and 17. And I have such a heart I'm struggling with the phone situation. Now that they have phones, like the 15 year old, they test my intergangster. I always look at her. She's always on her phone. The chores are not done. You know, or this is the new thing, and I don't help me understand this. I don't know if you have to deal with this with Brea, but I know you probably didn't deal with this raising your kids but this is what I'm dealing with now. Okay, so I'm like get home from school. I need a break. Like there ain't no coming to house, do your chores, none of that other stuff. I need a break. I was at school all day and I said well, you have a 35 minute bus ride.
Speaker 1:You don't think that was a break. No, you were on your phone the whole time on the bus. Then you get home and she got taken that I need a nap, I need a break. I can't start my chores, so then wake up. All right, the chores, I'm chores and you ain't getting done. I'm so tired now. I got to eat dinner. Now it's time to take a shower.
Speaker 1:But, mind you, the phone never leaves her side, and this is where I'll understand. I'm like, okay, then listen, not just the phone, I got Chromebook in front of me too. So I'm like, you got the phone and the Chromebook and I'm like, really struggling. Like at times I take the phone away from her because I'm like it's just too much, but then there's times it's like, okay, I need, can you charge my phone, because I need to charge you, I need it for tomorrow. Now they do walk to the bus stop, so they do need, you know, their phone. I have a tracking on their phone. However, it's just this phone is a major issue, and I'm so. I feel like I'm such a bad mind for introducing them to the phone, even though for years, I think they didn't get their phone until they were like 13 or 14, maybe 14 or 15, probably. I waited a long time, but ever since then it's a problem with these phones.
Speaker 2:But you have to just sit down and have a conversation with her. Just a conversation with her about the responsibility of what you expect. She chores and stuff and that telephone and if you go take that phone.
Speaker 1:Listen, I think it's just me, cuz I take it and give it back and then I get so mad and I throw the phone like no, I have a daughter in potential with the phone. Like I get so mad, I'm like, listen, you ain't do your chairs or ABC, like I already told you all week. And then every time I go on your room you're on your phone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we wasn't allowed to go out like archers. Look, it's so different. Because Friday, saturday, because church was Sunday, nothing was getting done. You don't do no washing, no clothes no, that don't Sundays. You get your chores done on Friday or Saturday so you can go out and hang out with your friends. And I was yeah, my grandmother still didn't play.
Speaker 1:I want so, so wow. So Friday, so I'm one. So then the house be dirty the rest of the week.
Speaker 2:Wait, hold on, like my room or whatever. I had to make sure my she was. She wasn't, let nobody turn. Oh, why she's on and all that stuff cuz I give them chores Sunday, so you have to clean up by yourself and I get them chores done on the week right every day they got one chore that they act like they got clean a whole.
Speaker 1:They got one chore, one chore Every day and if you straighten it up, or Saturday, you do the declaim this and not everything, yeah, and but that chores, don't get that down, get done.
Speaker 1:I'm telling I'm struggling out here as a mom for real. The chores don't get down. But then I'm like, alright, I'm not doing too much by making them do a chore every day, because, you know, she taught me this. I had a day at school I'm tired, you know, and it's so hard because it's like, but then I'm like, but you can sit out and be on the phone and it'd be on TikTok, you ain't that tired. You want to talk? Well, mom is just, I just, when your hands aren't your hands tired, like, like I'm really struggling. I don't know what it is out of all, all four of them. It's the one, it's one of them, you know. They say you got one every bunch or whatever. She definitely touched my in the game, sir. Yeah, it's not too bad, I think.
Speaker 3:I mean it is a struggle. Getting the kids off of devices is a challenge and Brea has an iPad. So she does have an iPad and she's on it as long as we're telling her not to be on it. And so she don't get her dishes done. And I'm like Brea do the dishes and I gotta keep reminding her like every 20 minutes she's on the iPad. So it's like that constant struggle and then you take the iPad, but then she needed for something and then I forget she ain't supposed to have the iPad for longer than 10 minutes, and then it's two weeks. It's like it's almost. It takes too much energy. It's just too much it is.
Speaker 3:And then now that everything is on her with school, like everything is on there and the other thing is, I don't want to keep her from talking to her friends after school, because I know I had a phone in my room and that's all I did was talk to my friends after school, it, it, so I, so I let her use the iPad to talk to her friends.
Speaker 3:I'm like you can do you know? Talk to your friends text, do FaceTime or whatever. But I don't want you on YouTube and all this. She's not supposed to be on social media but who knows what these kids we doing. I'm like I don't want you doing this stuff with your device. Just communicate to your friends. I'm trying to give her some freedom. Mm-hmm but it's, it's hard.
Speaker 2:This I know I ain't struggling by myself, I'm just like yeah, most of the parents, yeah, your generation to have children that are like 12, 14 or probably going, struggling with the same thing. Right, struggling with the same thing. But you know, kristen did her chores, she had a phone. Yeah so I mean, but she made, but she did her stuff that I asked her to do, why she was home.
Speaker 1:So and I think also post COVID. You know COVID it dismissed I think. I think people don't really understand that COVID was not just about the physical, no, like cold, mental, like social, like you're socializing, like they. I think people didn't realize how important it was for children to socialize. So you know, and that everything I talk into my teacher on a device and you don't want me to use the device to talk to my friends, but yet you want me to talk to my teacher. So how can I? You know there's a lot going on with that. So I think you know each family is different and you just got it. Each child is different. So you got to kind of not like make rules for one child, but really kind of figure out what's best working for that child. Yeah, I'm still struggling with it. I Am.
Speaker 1:Just to figure out what Cuz. Like I'm talking Therapy session y'all. She wake up with an attitude and it's like what you dream about me, but something that you mad at me and I'm like how you wake up. Like you wake up, you didn't even get out of bed. Good morning, good morning.
Speaker 2:What happened? You can sleep.
Speaker 1:But you know they got. She was on a show, though she did explain to me and other parents a lot what was going on, because one of the things that we tackle we talked about the suicide rating kids. You know alcohol, drugs, like we tackled all that and she gave us some insight of why now she had talk she ain't got a problem talking. So she gave us some insight of what what was going on in this age group, of why things was going on and stuff like that. So I do understand a lot more than I have in the past, but I still understand her.
Speaker 1:And I should understand me All right. So there's a couple things, there's some key words that I want to talk about because, as when we talk about Raising successful children and I think success is different for everybody it is you know. You can't just say, oh, you're successful, because you don't know what that person life was like, what look, how they grew up in our family. So how would you in your own words, both of you Give me what success is? What do you see being successful? What do you see reason? How do you Raise a successful child? What do you see as raising a successful child?
Speaker 2:I think it was more just being consistent and Giving them a guideline to go by Mm-hmm, you know, and, just like Kristen said, having someone to talk to.
Speaker 2:Okay you know, it was not your mom or dad, Maybe your auntie or your grandparents or something like that. Having an outlet to express yourself if you can't do it with your parents, I think that helps a lot. And having self and making sure that they feel loved and they have that confidence that they can, you know, do it any. I mean, I kept telling because Kristen stutter and she still does, and that worried me as a mother.
Speaker 2:Okay that she was gonna be like somehow left behind in school, like she was gonna be able to Catch up. But she was very bright and it's not gonna have anything to do with your brain. It doesn't away, but not Intelligence.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:So I mean she went all through school good grade. You know she always worked hard and you know and I just set the tone for her that you have to, you want to be the best, you have to, you have to strive, you have to strive and you have to be the best you can be. I mean if, if a C is the best you could do, then I have to set the C because you're doing you. I see you trying right.
Speaker 2:I'm saying but I know that you can get that a and I just made sure that she just kept you know going and you know if she needed help, I got her help. Okay, I couldn't do it, I got tutoring or whatever. Or after school she was an upper bound Mm-hmm, you know, because I want to vote for them to go to school, because this world out here don't give us nothing.
Speaker 2:Right they don't. It don't give us nothing, so we have to be on point. We have to be on point, we have to be able to articulate all the stuff that we go through Daily on your jobs in school right just living as a, as a, you know, as a black American Country.
Speaker 2:So I mean, you know, so you have to be prepared, you have to be prepared, you have to be prepared. And that's my thing with my two daughters. I just wanted them to be successful, for them to feel like they are and I, you know, and people tell them they all the time, you know, you guys are nice, well-rounded kids, mm-hmm, you know, you got a lot of friends from all walks of life, you know, came up different ways, but they still, you know, have good friends, still close with their friends and stuff, and you know, and, um, I Don't think there's no jealousy among them, you know, and she always encourages her friends. I encourage her when I see them, you know, you know Big, you know, and everything. And I think that's what we need more in our community. We just need to be able to shake, you know, to share our experiences with, with our children and also to try to navigate them through the things that they go face.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's what I tried to do.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:I think I feel like my children are Successful when they are able to live their lives according to their terms, like I want them to be, uh, independent thinkers, not Following other people, making decisions for themselves, pursuing a career that they want to pursue, having those options, being prepared, putting in the work now so that they can have the option to pursue the career that they want, that it and live life how they want to live it, on their terms. Right for me, it's more like preparing them now so that they can live the life that they choose to live is what success is.
Speaker 1:I like that. I think, you know, sometimes Parenting it's so challenging, right, you cuz you know I feel like that is. Being a parent is one of the hardest but the best jobs in the world. It is, right, the most challenging and yet beautiful. Sometimes, right, want to test my in the gangsta so to be able to be responsible for another human. You know who eventually will grow up with their own thoughts and their own ideas and stuff. That those teenage years, that's where it, you know it, gets a little look tricky. But being able to impart in them and raise them to a way where they have a sense of self.
Speaker 1:You know, back in the day you heard, parenting is like I put food in your mouth, close on your back and shelter. It wasn't a really holistic parenting, you know, for some people, not all for some people, and it's really just have been passed down generationally, right? So they weren't ever really talking about the emotional aspect, the mental aspect. Kids are being Seen and not heard, like you can't really say nothing about anything, and if you do, you're talking back. And how dare you? You know, having a pin or anything Growing up. So I think you in this day and age, like kids, think they have to have an opinion for everything.
Speaker 1:So there's like a line, right, there's like a line where, again, that's that I'm not your friend, because then you're going to start disrespecting me. We got some problems. So there's such a line, how do you, you know, not cross the line. It's such a thin, I feel like it's a thin line is allow your kids to be able to be opinionated, but respectful, right? So how do you not? How do you navigate that? Because a lot of parents have trouble when you know, and kids are feeling like they can't share and they can't talk to their parents because they're not really allowed to express themselves or having an opinion without being shut down. So how do you navigate that? How do you respect me but come to me Like yeah.
Speaker 3:I think what I try to do with my parents, especially with Briss, since she's 12, is I try to listen. I try to not always have something to say, and it is hard and you see where I come from, and I just be like, oh, I want to say something, so bad, but I got to just listen to her. I can't talk, I got to listen. So it takes a lot of me to sit there and listen to her to. You know, tell me all the things that the kids are doing in school and I'm like why? But I can't judge it.
Speaker 3:I just have to listen or she's not going to talk to me so for me, I do a lot of just listening to her and trying not to judge the way that she's telling me that she's like moving in school and doing it. I'm like it's hard, it's not easy, but I think that that helps her feel comfortable talking to me about stuff and it helps to build our relationship.
Speaker 3:So, and she knows that we're not friends. I saw her that when she was like eight and it crushed her. It's crushed her whole spirit and she kept telling me for a number of days how hurtful that was. And I was like Bri, but I am not. I mean.
Speaker 2:I just like yeah, like we are not friends.
Speaker 3:I am your mom. I am here to guide you and to protect you. I am not your friends Like you know, like I'm not one of your friends, so I had to stand my ground but it really did hurt her. But I think you're right, it is a thin line, because you the child needs to be respectful and they need to follow your guidance, and I think that one of the most important things is for the parents to do is to lead by example.
Speaker 3:So, don't ask your child to do something that they don't see you doing.
Speaker 1:I like that.
Speaker 3:It's not fair. Right, it's not fair at all. So I think um say, modeling the behavior that you want your child to have is important, because where are they going to get it from? Right, exactly, right Check out.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be with my mom with Crip Brea. She tells me everything, yeah, yeah, and I listen to her, and I listen to her and I let her talk and I just sit back and just listen to her and I give her my little opinion. Oh wait, you sit back and you listen to her?
Speaker 1:I'm sure you do. Grandparents are different when they kids, anyway, it's a whole different ball game because she's raised.
Speaker 2:Now she's done, I'm done, okay, so my sister is done. So now I'm sitting back and I got another generation, whole different kind of child, whole different kind of experience, and I wanted her to be able to ask me questions and I just I don't even talk, I just sit back and let her talk.
Speaker 3:She said my mom's my therapist what I never talked to her about anything and she tells me everything and I do give her my opinion.
Speaker 2:I give her my opinion how I feel about what she's talking about, or how she tells me about you know, this one of that one and this girl said this, or this little boy. I just give her my little soft opinion A little soft opinion A soft opinion, ain't that?
Speaker 1:soft, a soft opinion. These grandparents, these days, the grandparents, need love. That'd be out here loving huh. So let me ask you a question, because then I have these words I want to talk about. So did you change? Because, like, why did you feel like to be more listening and softer? Because she's?
Speaker 2:not my child, I think. I think it's because she's not my whole responsibility 24 hours a day. She's Kristen's responsibility.
Speaker 1:Oh, so I can tell them walk away.
Speaker 2:So therefore, I mean I don't want her to feel a lot of pressure at home and then come to my house and she's feeling the same type of you know what I'm saying, right, okay, so more of an outlet like so I want my vibe to be more down so I can listen to her and give my little opinion. I put my little opinion in there, but it's a different. Oh, I know you do, it's a different way. I say it. So she gets it, but she's not offended by it, right?
Speaker 2:And she said oh, grandma, you know what you know, you know, and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:So she'd be looking up to their grandparents. I love my grandchildren.
Speaker 2:Now Noah, he had different reads. I know it's hard. We're going to see how that works out with him.
Speaker 1:So there's a couple of words right. I had wrote down that. I think you know when we talk about raising successful children or what success looks like for everybody, you know it's different for everybody. Like you know, growing up I remember we thought success was not getting pregnant before you graduate high school or graduating high school. Just where I'm from, you know everybody around that age, or even in the project, wherever we live, that's like always you get caught up, you get pregnant or you won't graduate high school. So that was like growing up that was more of an expectation from your household is that listen, don't get pregnant. They ain't tell you how not to get pregnant. I'm just saying don't get pregnant and they want you to graduate high school. And then it stopped there. That was just. It was no aspirations for some some people don't have that where the family's like, okay, you're going to college, education is not the biggest thing, it's literally you getting up out of here. I just saw things differently. My parents never pushed me to go to school, never pushed me to go to college. I just always knew that education was a way to escape what we were dealing with. You know it gets to get out of poverty. Change your mindset, really growing right?
Speaker 1:I've always been advocate for education, even as young as I was, so these are some things that I was thinking about right when it talks about raising successful children. Like my standard for my kids was way different than like I graduated high school. I'm doing all this stuff. You want to college, you want to get straight A's. Like I had a whole different education mindset. It's a little bit different now because these kids, different than my oldest that was my oldest like listen, this is what you know A, b and C. It worked out well for her. However, with the younger ones, you know a little bit different Do the best that you can See, the best you can get baby, then you can get it. Because before if you brought a C in my house, like we would have some problems, you brought a B in the house. Like what are we doing? So? But when we talk about raising successful children, right, when you hear trust, like what comes to your mind? When you hear trust, when you hear the word trust.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Trust, I don't know. I mean, when it comes to the kids, yeah, yeah, Raising children. Raising children, I mean you have to, you have to. My thing was they got to see certain things in order for them to believe it. So if you fussing and fighting all the time and doing all kind of stuff in front of them and you tell them not to do it, how are they going to trust that? Okay, I said, how are they going to trust that? Because they, they're looking at you as a role model. You're, you know, in the household and stuff, and they say you fighting and you know doing different, different things and you know. And then they come to you and I mean, what can you say if they're right?
Speaker 1:Okay, you know, trust for you. Is them seeing what?
Speaker 2:it shouldn't. You have to. I mean, you can't be one way and then want them to be something different.
Speaker 1:Right, okay, so the example. How about you, doug?
Speaker 3:I think so the first thing that came to mind is me trusting Bria. Like I want to be able to raise her in a way that I trust that she's going to make good decisions, like the right decisions, and I don't have to like worry too much about her. So I'm trying to instill principles in her so that I'm trusting that she's going to make good decisions.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:So one example last year, when she was in the sixth grade, it was her first year of public school in the middle school, when she called her dad and I and was like my friends are in the corner because of vaping. Come get me. I was like my parents. It's pretty cool.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:So we went right to school when it's like nothing about. We just picked her up and took her home.
Speaker 2:I know that's right, so I felt proud.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:I've been learning about her about drugs and alcohol, since she was probably like in the third or fourth grade.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Because we was in marriage counseling and one of the things that he said was how did you learn about this stuff? And we learned about it from the streets, like you want the streets to teach your children or do you want to teach your children. So as soon as he said that, it clicked in my head and I was like we got to start talking to Bria about this. We talked about it very early on.
Speaker 3:We do a lot of say role playing, a lot of role playing, so that when she comes up against these particular types of situations, I'm trusting her to make good decisions to know what she's you know how to respond, and so that's what I kind of think about raising her in a way that I'm trusting that she's going to make good decisions when the time comes, because she don't see them doing it.
Speaker 2:She don't see it. Yeah, now it would be a different story if she came out of a household, right, and seeing her parents do that, and then you know she getting in trouble for doing it, it's just like, well, right, so that's what I mean, yeah. So, yeah, you got to model it. Like you said, you really got to model it.
Speaker 1:So when I think about trust, right, it hit me. I never really thought about trust. When you come to parents or whatever, it's like my kids I'm here, they know that I'm here for them. But what happened was, you know, as parents we have to make hard decisions, right? So there was some hard decisions I had to make as a parent and when my daughter said one of my daughters said to me, I trust you making the right decision for me, that's awesome and that had me like tears cause. It woke something else in me. It's like listen, you really out here trying to make sure that these kids have whatever they need and make the best decision.
Speaker 1:Even in parenting, you have to make some of them hard, uncomfortable, unpopular decisions, right? And sometimes you know, if you really want to be able to be parenting right, you're going to question yourself. Sometimes You're going to say am I doing the right thing? So the day when she said, listen, I trust you going to make the right decision for me. If you say it, I'm going to do it, and that was one of the very hardest decisions I had to make for her life, but she trusts me for that. So when I think about trust is both ways. It's like they have to trust us and we have to trust them. But they see you, but because they see and trust me, now that I know, like now I can trust them, like that whole baby situation, yeah, I think that's awesome, where your child can call you and say, hey, listen, this ain't right, come get me being able to be open like that. The next word respect. This is a big one. In my house. We talk about this all the time when, like your perspective is more respect.
Speaker 3:I think it goes both ways.
Speaker 1:Ooh, yes, I think we have to listen to our children.
Speaker 3:We have to believe them. We have to honor what they want but have to acknowledge that they're not going to get it just because they want it. But, to honor it like I understand you want this home, I get it, I understand it, but you're not going to get one. So respect in a way that they're not just like completely shut down or shut out. And then they have to respect us too.
Speaker 2:I mean that's like a non-concept.
Speaker 1:That's the golden rule. We ain't got to talk about that.
Speaker 3:You need to talk about the other part of respect. Like I'm going to respect you and of course you're going to respect me, so it has to go both ways.
Speaker 2:And it comes with the training and upbringing. It comes with the training and the upbringing, the respect, the respect of yourself, respect of your parents, respect of your peers, respect in the street.
Speaker 2:One thing I didn't ever want to hear is somebody come to knock on my door and tell me that they've seen Chris and Norah Jennifer do something that they know I wouldn't have been proud of and I never had to see it. I never had to see it and that's part of training. I mean you have to have boundaries in that house. You have to set boundaries. You also have to be consistent. As parents, we've got to be consistent. They have to see how things are. You can't say one thing and do something different.
Speaker 1:You just can't. I like what you just said. I want to back up a little bit because when we think about respect, like Kristin, you said something important. You said both ways, respect goes, both ways it does. And then you said something too. You said self-respect, self-respect. Honey, oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good, because the conversation always in my house is telling these kids different.
Speaker 1:They're expecting that 15-year-old, we talk about respect and their perspective of respect is very interesting. Well, particularly this 15-year-old feels like if somebody disrespects them, they don't have to respect them back. And I'm teaching them like listen, respect is both ways and parents undoubtedly have to respect their children. Because I think they're all going the ways where I can say whatever I want you to say and you're not supposed to respond or even have any emotions or any feelings behind it, because remember, kids ain't having emotions back in the day. They both had that.
Speaker 1:I said what I said. I said what I said and you want to do something about it. That's what I was back in the day. So the conversation is constantly, we're always talking about respect, because there's a particular teacher at her school and she feels that the teacher keeps disrespecting her, so she feels like she doesn't have to respect the teacher now because the teacher is not respecting her. So you know, and I'm constantly it's kind of tossing to and from with that because you want to teach them to have respect for themselves and you demand respect when you're coming around but just because somebody's disrespecting you doesn't mean gives you the right to disrespect them back. So that's one of the things that I'm dealing with with this generation a little bit different. It's tough, it is it's tough.
Speaker 1:Because it's like, do you teach them Like you teach them self-respect and stand up for yourself, but you also teach them there's a time and a place for everything.
Speaker 2:Right, it's a time and a place for everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and not everybody's going to respect you, though. No, that doesn't change who you are and that doesn't change your character or your integrity, you know. Like you shouldn't be reactive to that, like you know what I mean. Like, all right, yeah, she said it. Whatever you didn't like how she said it, ok, we can deal with it a different way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Go off on them. Oh well, you disrespectful to me, but now you became disrespectful to the adult, and then that's just doesn't look. That's not good. Yeah, so that's a conversation. It's mostly again the 15-year-old, you know, all right, and now the independence. We kind of talked about this a little bit already. We talked about independence you said it earlier, doc where letting kids be able to be theirself pretty much the best. Yourself, however, express yourself however you want. How important is that really in parenting, though, allowing our children to be independent?
Speaker 1:It sounds crazy, because they are dependents right On my taxes. You, my dependent. Wait a minute, hold up, I own you. So I'm like oh, can you say independence to some parents, like they be thinking this is Will Smith independence day for the July Like wait a minute. We weren't really free like that on the July, right? So that is such a scary word to some parents. Though Independent, no, I love independence.
Speaker 3:I love it because it means that you are doing things and you are making decisions and you don't need me to do it Now. I hope you're making good decisions, but I love I want to raise my children to be independent, and you start that now. So the kids have gone to Montessori School and a big part of their philosophy is doing things on your own and being independent. So I embraced that. They both started when they were like two or three and I embraced that, and so I have a four-year-old now. But when he was three, if Noah is thirsty and he wants some water, he'll go in the cabin and get his cup and get his own water. I'm not having to go and do things for him.
Speaker 3:Yeah, brea can cook on her own. She can make a whole meal. She loves the big. She does a lot of stuff. Her cousins came over on that snow day and she had asked everyone what they want for lunch and they was like oh, we want Robin Hoodles. So she made Robin Hoodles for everybody and they was like this is amazing, how did you know that?
Speaker 2:It's like that's so impressive she makes the oldest of noodles it's so funny.
Speaker 3:But I want, like I need, my kids to be independent and I start as early as I can to let them do whatever they can do but be safe. But I don't want them to depend on me and their dad for everything. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I agree with what Kristen said, although in my generation he wasn't on those stove cooking.
Speaker 3:You weren't on those stove cooking. You weren't even going to the fridge. You weren't on those stove cooking at no 12 years old.
Speaker 2:If you wanted something, I got it for you, but they both are very independent. They don't ask us for anything. I mean, they are very self-sufficient, very independent. So it's just how the years that you were raised, how you were raised just like the grandmother probably was more you're not going to my refrigerator and taking out no food or waste, it's just a difference.
Speaker 1:I think for me again. Y'all know I'm struggling here, I think because I was parents so much in fear in the beginning of my parents, and now I'm about 25 years deep. Y'all I'm about 25 years deep.
Speaker 1:So I micromanage a lot. I literally was micromanaging a whole lot and I think now that they're older I'm starting to see where I could improve then on a micromanage, because now I want them to be independent or something like that, and then I'm still kind of holding on a little bit but then trying to want them to be independent, so that I think I like independence Again, because independence to a parent sometimes is a scary work, but I like how you guys phrase it, because you want them to be able to do stuff Now that they're 10 years old. Don't be taking all that food out the refrigerator, listen.
Speaker 3:No, I hide food. I hide food in the house.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I'm starting to now. Like I know, mom, you probably used to say this y'all going to eat me out of the house and home, and I know the meaning of that now, because yo having three teens.
Speaker 2:Wasting food was my thing. Don't take something that you do not want to eat and you think you want it and now you don't want it. You want it. Sit there and eat it.
Speaker 1:You're going to eat it?
Speaker 2:No, kids don't know nothing about that. Now and now. Food is ridiculous.
Speaker 1:Like they eat. So now I'm like listen, I was letting them be free. Now I was letting them be independent with that. Listen, the food's here. Now it's like listen, how many bottles of water do you have today? Ok, you exceeded the daily recommendations. So collaboration, collaboration.
Speaker 3:Collaboration. I think it's important, especially in decision making, whatever you're doing, especially if it's going to impact the child and I like to involve Brea in as much as I can in my decision making for her, so that she understands my thought process behind it and it's not like.
Speaker 3:I'm just telling you no just because I'm saying no, or like I'm just telling you yes because yes, but here's what I'm thinking and there's how I'm like Brea, tell me what you think I should do. What should I do? So just having her be involved in the decision making, or at least know that she has a voice in it?
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, yeah, it's what I do yeah and also bring that in. The collaboration needs to be with the both parents.
Speaker 1:They need to be both parents.
Speaker 2:So because and like I said, me and my husband are so different, so his perspective on things are different sometimes than my perspective on things, but so they get the full package. They get the full package, but we always allow them to express themselves, to fall, because your kids are going to fall, yeah, but you be there to help them up. You know, you be there to help them up. Nobody is perfect, right? None of us. So you just do the best you can. You do the best you can. You want the best for them. You want them to be successful. Who grows up? And your parents don't want you to be successful or don't want you to?
Speaker 1:be anything.
Speaker 2:Just nobody.
Speaker 1:I like that collaboration because when we talk about vision, right, everybody in the household needs to know what the vision is and need to understand what the vision is and how they play a part in it, so we all can be successful.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Last word for time, Last word kindness.
Speaker 2:That's important. Raising your children, that's important. It's important for them and it's important for the people that they're around. And I think they have to see it at home too. It's like I said it all comes back to home. You have to see all those attributes and all those positive things in them houses. It's hard when you come from a home that don't have that and you get out in the world and you see how other people are and how they are and you kind of like I guess it draws you back a little bit because you were like well, that wasn't how I was raised or I never experienced that and it takes some time for them to catch up to everybody else. It's just an important part of human nature to be kind I think of course kindness is definitely critical.
Speaker 3:And one thing I don't know if I actually attempt to be kind, but just kind of growing up the way that I grew up, it just comes naturally. So I don't have any.
Speaker 1:You was built that way. You was built that way. Yeah, it's like that's just a human thing to do. Right, you have to be your character. Kindness, you know, one of the things that's teaching that kindness is not weakness. You know, I think in a world where, like, everything is like tough, tough, tough you know this than any other it's like it's okay to be kind. And, again, what you, what you have said, is like it's something that's that you've grown up in, something that you were built because, again, as parents, we're kind of building our kids. Right, we're building our kids and what we want them to see, how we want them to be as an adult, like we're not kind of, we're not baby in them, but we're building them to for it be able to withstand what's out here, like it's different and they don't know because they're they're not adults, they just grow, grow in the development.
Speaker 2:And, as we know as parents, as we know that our kids are growing in development and there are certain things that are necessary, vital for their survival and a lot of times you know, at working in a healthcare I see all kind of kids come to the hospital, I see all kind of young ladies who are, you know, or going to like the PCTs, and coming in from different places and you know some of them are just working for the first time at a healthcare facility. And a lot of things you know that you do at one place you can't do at another place.
Speaker 1:So a lot of times I would have to pull them to the side and say look A, b and C, and I nurtured a lot of them love them to death and you know, sometimes I had to give them the tough love I know I'm telling you you see, I'm still at the edge of my job, but it's the way you see things, people, it's the way.
Speaker 2:It's how you talk and behave and how you carry yourself. You know how you carry yourself and it, it, it, it rubs off. It eventually rubs off. You know it does and we can't let. We can't. We have to do better as parents. We have to do better as parents because you see what's going on around the world. It's going on every day. You see it about these young boys shooting each other and you know people getting shot and people getting hurt and car jackings and all this trauma out here, all this trauma out here, and it's and, and you know, and that stuff starts at home. It starts when they're young. It just don't start off when they get 15 to 16. It starts when they're two and three and some of the and some of the environments that they're in. So it's just you know it's a certain fortune thing yeah.
Speaker 1:I think it's definitely important, as we said here on the show mostly the whole show is it's really what happens in the household how you raise or how we lead, guide and teach our children, how we need to be the example for our children and don't be afraid to ask for help to get the tools. Cause a lot of times, some people again, a lot of this stuff is transgenerational, right. A lot of this is post trauma, so some people don't know how to right, Maybe never even seen it, or it becomes so far and something that they literally just keep doing this generation after generation. So, really helping parents get the tools and not be afraid you know, especially in our culture, like we are, a lot of parents are afraid that if we ask for help they're going to take our children away, Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a lot of times, yeah, so that's the thing.
Speaker 1:So, but not being afraid to ask for help and say, listen, I, I don't get it right all the time I'm struggling in this area, like, please help me because I think again, this is one of the most important jobs as a parent is to raise a child. Yep, and we, we only have listen. I still need help. I'm telling them. 25 years in, and these last three I keep telling y'all, I'm telling y'all, I'm telling y'all. I literally myself was ready to throw in the towel with parents last week. I was like you know what, get somebody else to do it. I'm just not doing this anymore.
Speaker 2:It's been a week, which is, oh, mom.
Speaker 1:Okay, so all right, thank you so much for being on the show.
Speaker 1:This has been a really awesome, really open my eyes are a couple of things that I know are definitely open to audience eyes to really know that you know, as parents we just try and do the best that we can and but there are certain things that is necessary and vital for our children to become successful, and that part is our part that we have to play in this.
Speaker 1:We can't just let them be outside and have no tools or anything, just be naked out here, run around the streets, cause then I'll get closed by everything. As we said, the world is waiting to close our kids Like they're like oh, you put this on, you put that on. But if we do, we have to do, and really I like what you said earlier about kind of like well, I don't think it's exactly said it, but I like to twist on stuff but if we make sure that we're doing the right thing, that our character is right here, that we we're really being that example for our children, that is really going to go a long way, because that is foundational Foundation.
Speaker 2:So and everybody needs one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and everybody like no, we ain't island out here, we are team players. We got all the parts of vision. It takes a village, a village raising children in Paris need a village to write, so all right. So thank you so much for coming on the show, Thanks for having us. As you know, weekly we are here, parents with a purpose bringing back the responsibility, the ability and beauty back into parenting.