Feeling overwhelmed by the ceaseless waves of parenting advice? Allow me to share my quarter-century trek through the wilderness of child-rearing, as I reflect on the pivotal mission that we, as parents, have in molding the citizens of tomorrow. This episode of "Parenting with a purpose" is a candid tapestry of the trials and triumphs we face – from the "terrible twos" to the stormy seas of adolescence. I delve into the heart of what it means to equip our children with the right values and tools for life, drawing from the well of my own experiences as a mother of four. We'll unpack the layers of complexity that come with each developmental stage, acknowledging that while the path isn't always straight, the values we instill are our children's true north.
Expect a heartfelt dialogue on how the role of grandparents has evolved and the unique contributions they bring to the family dynamic. As we march into the new year, "Parenting with a purpose" is set to embrace more platforms and introduce a diverse array of voices to the conversation, all aiming to reinforce the responsibility, nobility and beauty inherent in the art of parenting. Whether we're discussing the nuances of adolescent pressures in an ever-changing technologically driven society or the importance of life insurance in planning for our children's futures, this series remains steadfast in supporting families to foster well-rounded, responsible, and prepared individuals. Join us, as we navigate the ever-evolving landscape of parenting, grandparenting, and everything in between.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
Feeling overwhelmed by the ceaseless waves of parenting advice? Allow me to share my quarter-century trek through the wilderness of child-rearing, as I reflect on the pivotal mission that we, as parents, have in molding the citizens of tomorrow. This episode of "Parenting with a purpose" is a candid tapestry of the trials and triumphs we face – from the "terrible twos" to the stormy seas of adolescence. I delve into the heart of what it means to equip our children with the right values and tools for life, drawing from the well of my own experiences as a mother of four. We'll unpack the layers of complexity that come with each developmental stage, acknowledging that while the path isn't always straight, the values we instill are our children's true north.
Expect a heartfelt dialogue on how the role of grandparents has evolved and the unique contributions they bring to the family dynamic. As we march into the new year, "Parenting with a purpose" is set to embrace more platforms and introduce a diverse array of voices to the conversation, all aiming to reinforce the responsibility, nobility and beauty inherent in the art of parenting. Whether we're discussing the nuances of adolescent pressures in an ever-changing technologically driven society or the importance of life insurance in planning for our children's futures, this series remains steadfast in supporting families to foster well-rounded, responsible, and prepared individuals. Join us, as we navigate the ever-evolving landscape of parenting, grandparenting, and everything in between.
Parents are the Bows and Children are the Arrows they will land wherever we aim them eventually!
you. Hey, everybody, welcome back to Pant it with a purpose. I am your host, donna Janell. Welcome back, happy New Year everyone. I took off for the whole month of December to give myself a break, because parenting ain't easy and out here in these streets trying to make it good for everybody, sometimes you need that little break. And also just to re-event.
Speaker 1:We've been rocking out with Pant it with a purpose podcast for since March of last year, so we're coming up on our year anniversary in a couple of months. So just wanted to take some time off, spend more time with the kids, spend a little bit more self-care, since we've been rocking hard. But I'm glad to be back. It is January and it's a happy new year. We love a new year because we set up new goals, new visions and we get to modify some things in our life, get to change some things. So I'm happy to be back. So you know, here at Pant it with a purpose, our mission is to bring back the responsibility and nobility and beauty back as a parenting right the whole. Parents are the bulls and our children are arrows and they will land whatever we send them. Now again, as I told y'all before, they may not land today. They may not land tomorrow, but best assured that they will land where we aim them, eventually. Now, I say that eventually because that word is a very big word and we can stretch that word out eventually they will land because, you know, as I know, it's not in our own timing right. Our kids have their own journey to live, they're in process of life and we kind of got to step back and let them God do whatever he want with them and however he want to do with them, right Within the boundaries of us parents and them. So if we give our children the tools right, if we equip them, if we don't send them outside naked, if we close them, well, eventually, you know, there's an old saying that actually is not even an old saying, it's something that we still should say train up a child so when they get old they don't depart, depart from anything that you have instilled into them, anything good. Now we want them to depart from some of our mess that we done did, because as parents we're not perfect. We want them to depart for no thing but the good, solid, sustainable things we want them to have. We don't want them to go away. So, even if they do get off the. You know the road a little bit. If they go to the left or to the right, eventually they'll back up on the right road. It does take time.
Speaker 1:I've been a parent for almost 25 years now. I know I look great. I know I don't look like you know I'm a mother of four and the oldest will be 25, but I am indeed Okay. Let's just tell you that this parenting, although it's heavy but they ain't weighing me down I'm still able to just do what I need to do and keep myself together as well. Now, that may not be for a lot of people, so this, this episode today, is like a walk on back right and I want to encourage parents about keep fighting a good fight of parenting.
Speaker 1:You know it is a hard night life out here for parents. I know. Trust me, I've struggled right. I've struggled throughout the years. I've struggled just recently. I tell y'all I got these teenagers right the three teens Now the 17 and the two 15-year-olds. And let me tell you this literally this last month has been like, I feel like one of the challenging months in parenting.
Speaker 1:Now we can go back and see Okay, so each level or each stage in our parenting and our children's growth and development. There are some hardships, right, because we heard about the terrible twos. Well, we got the rough twos into the the hardest threes. Right, because I don't think it's such thing as terrible twos. I think when they go into that three-year-old stage, it's a whole new ballgame, like they just know what's going on and then they talk in a whole lot, right? So each stage in development and our parenting and also in our growth and development, our kids, there are rough patches, right, there are hard things that we go through, and it feel like I don't know about y'all, but sometimes I feel like this is the worst thing in parenting. This is the hardest part.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you, in the beginning, when the babies are crying and you know fed them, you know change them, you know play with them, you know did everything you could with them and they still want to scream in your face, right, you're like, oh man, I don't know if I could do this. Like, this is too hard. Right, because it's like it seemed. Like, as a parent, you start feel like you can't do nothing. Right, you can't console this kid, you can't make them happy, and now this kid bound to make you not happy, right, that's how we feel sometimes and one of the things that I remember when my oldest was really young I think she had to be about two years old, maybe about 18 months to two years old and I've done everything I could for this girl. Let me tell you, I know fed her, I know changed her, I know walked around, I know played where I was dagging they're tired playing with her, right, and she just would not stop crying, she would scream it and she wasn't sick or anything.
Speaker 1:And you know, parents, sometimes you get in those those modes where those kids just won't stop. Right, no matter what you do, they won't stop. And I remember talking to the doctor, I was like, listen, one day I almost shook her. I I wanted to shake her and say be quiet, just stop. You know, and that's so dangerous because they have a such thing called shaking baby syndrome. Right, if you shake a baby too hard because they're they're the way that their skull, their brain and their skull is, that you can cause a lot of damage. Right, I've seen it working in pediatrics. I've seen babies who had sustained injuries from shaking baby syndrome.
Speaker 1:But you know, when you in that moment, right, you don't know what else. You just want to like, be quiet, I don't know. They're screaming at you and you're ready to scream at them, right? So in that stage of parents, I thought like yo, this is the hardest thing. I was 19, newly married, newly baby, right, I know what was going on. And I remember the doctor said put her in a safe place, put her in her crib, close the door and walk away. Now, that don't even sound right to me, which you mean, put her in a safe crib, close the door and walk away. But let me tell you that is so important so that we can gather ourselves, right, because as long as you know that child is safe, as long as you know you fed their child, you, you changed the child, you done everything you possibly can to console the child and they still have this little episode where they just want to scream because, remember, they're still trying to learn the world too and figure out what's going on. So you know, babies have these little temperature. Listen, adults have temperature, right. So she said put her in her crib and walk away for about 5 or 10 minutes.
Speaker 1:And I felt like I was such a bad mom doing that. I felt like, oh my god, I can't understand why I can't handle this baby that's only 18 months, is now taking charge of my life, right? I didn't understand. I thought I was losing all my mind cells, my brain cells and everything, because I was like this is for the birds. I see why them birds had them babies and them demigods. They have them in a nest and then they push them right out at such an early age. Right, because it's so hard.
Speaker 1:But over the years, I found out that it's so important for you to gather your thoughts and gather yourself, because you don't want to damage your child, you want to hurt your child, right? So that's in the early years, like when you don't know what else to do. That is all you can do, right. Then, as they get older, they start talking more. They start telling you stuff no, no, no, you like. You tell me no one more time. That is not nice, right? So we get in those stages, those years of growth and development, where they start to tell you no, pull away from you and just do different things. You're like listen, I'm the mom, or, if the dad, I'm the dad. I don't understand why my authority is not working over you right now. Right, that was hard. Then, as they grow right, they get into, I feel like the elementary, or maybe from the ages of 5 to I would say 5 to 9, seem like the easiest things for me.
Speaker 1:Like kids, they were sponges, they was listening to everything I had to say, they looked up to me, they feared me, not in a like a scared way, but like, oh yeah, I get it. Yeah, and it seemed like they were so moldable so we could shape them. You know, like they're on the powder's will, we can kind of mold and shape them and stuff like that. I feel like that would seem like the easiest years. And then they go into, like you know, once they started at 9, because before it used to be 13, 12, 13,. They start smelling stuff a little bit. We're in a different society now.
Speaker 1:So, like around 9, 10, things start chasing, attitudes start shifting and stuff and you feel like, oh man, can I really still do this parenting thing? I've been in there for a minute, but I don't know, because it's starting to get a little rough again. Because you had them. I called them the golden years, the glory years, where things like, oh, they love me, they show me, they love me. But then they start having a little attitude a little bit later and you just like, well, what did I do wrong? Because all this was just going so well, right. So then you get through those stages, right, you get through those growth and development. Alright, we back on the same track. Now we like each other, we good, we always love each other. But now I think we like each other a little bit, right. Then you get in them teenage years. It's like you get that 13 year old.
Speaker 1:I think we should take a moment of silence for these teens, for those parents who are parenting teens, because I'm telling you ooh, it is rough out here and I'm wondering you know what my parents really had to deal with as growing up? Because it is hard out here and I know each generation there's different challenges and they're really different. Kids, honestly, the things that they have to do with society, the attitudes and things that they have to do to try to hold up to society, and things like that. I think they're a lot different than we were. And the only reason why I'm saying I think they're a lot different because, just having conversations with some of these young girls and even young boys, they explained to me the challenges are definitely different.
Speaker 1:You know, as you recall, you may not know, but one of my daughters was on here about a couple of months ago and she was telling us about what's going on, and it's adolescent world why kids were committing suicide, why they were attempting suicide, why kids were in drugs and alcohol, why kids were sexing, why all this stuff was going on. Stuff that we didn't have to deal with when we were younger, especially me. I don't recall dealing with any. We didn't have technology. That's the first thing. Nobody had a phone, nobody. And if the parents had a cell phone because the cell phones had started coming out, well, no, it was the beeper. The beeper came out. Then they had the cell phone. That was your mode of how to get connected somebody, but your kids didn't. You had a household and that's it right. So now everything is available to everybody.
Speaker 1:So that's certainly different and a different set of challenges than we as adults have growing up. But then you get into the later years. You know, like I said, I have my kids are will be 25, one will be 18, the other two will be 16. And I feel like these last three are just a little bit different. It's certainly different than I was raising my 25 year old and they just come with just a different set of challenges. And I know if I'm having challenges, as other parents out here have challenges.
Speaker 1:Now I don't ascribe to be like the perfect parent or the best thing or the best. I feel like I'm the best for my children, I'm perfect for my children, but I don't get it right all the time either. Listen, there's times where I'm upset, I'm frustrated, I don't, because in my mind I'll be like how can your mind think that way? In my mind I'm like how can, how are you processing it that way? Why are you processing that day? And who taught you to process it that way? Because I teach you that right. So in my mind I'm trying to understand their mind and I think in our kids mind they're trying to understand our mind. Right, it's like a back and forth thing because they're probably wondering like now, mom, why would you even say that? Or why would you have me do that? You see me doing a man.
Speaker 1:So there's like always like a little conflict because we're not really understanding each other, probably at the level where we can really seek to understand versus to understand. But it's difficult doing that. In parenting. It is really difficult to seek first to understand versus to be understood, because as parents, we look at ourselves as authoritative, right, we look at ourselves as the person, the leader of the house. And it's like you, listen to me, I don't really have to listen too much to what you're saying. You have to listen to me because I'm the mom or I'm the dad. I make the rules, I make the money. You know, we get into all this, I, I, I stuff and we neglect the emotional response from our children. We kind of cast that off because it's like listen, all you got to do is go to school, that's all. You ain't got no pressure, there's no, no, nothing in life that's causing you to be stressful or causing you not to listen to me, right, but that's not so.
Speaker 1:We've seen it throughout the year when I have multiple guests on here and they were just giving us a little bit inside of parenting and also insight from our children's point of view Right, the children's perspective. Again, I think the way that we are now we have to change our mindset of parenting is just about food, clothing and shelter, right. I think that we we always just point out those three things because they're a necessity, right, it's necessary for you to have food, clothes and shelter, but I also think that when we look at that, we really got that information from Maslow hierarchy Right. There's several other things that's on that list as well as protection, emotional self care. There's so many other things that on our list and I think that I don't know if it's dependent on where you grew up. Is is like you really have to focus on food, clothing and shelter and that you don't focus on the emotional need for our children or the intellectual need of our children or even that love piece, showing it, not necessarily just saying I love you because you're my child, I love you because you're you, right. So I think that we have to get away from the mindset of I just need to provide for you Period, because then we have children who grew up to think that that's all they need to do is just provide for their own children and it becomes a generational.
Speaker 1:So we go into this transgenerational situation and that we're still trying to recover or restore relationships based on what we have already important in our children. It's like now we have to kind of undo some things and I see it now a lot the things that parents have done to their children, which they did the best that they could with what they have right. They're now trying to undo it with the grandchildren. It's like I don't know about y'all, but I see my parents treat the grandchildren way different than they were treating us and I don't know if it's just that they just evolved over time. They evolved and learn some stuff or they just was like I'm too old for this, I'm not fit to fight no kids, or are you with no kids? I don't know what it is, but I definitely see grandparents are treating their grandchildren much different, which is actually a good thing To certain extent, right, because you know you can have a grandchild is jumping and bouncing on the furniture, but let, we couldn't even sit on funny plastic on the furniture.
Speaker 1:We couldn't even sit on the furniture without the plastic. But then nowadays ain't got no plastic on their furniture. They got the babies jumping on the couch with the bottle milk spilling and they said, oh, she, alright, and I'm looking like whoa, what, what happened? Like what? Like you don't got some weak in your parenting, right, but at the same time we know that some of the things that we didn't like. It's kind of good that they don't do it now, but sometimes I just feel like yo, y'all a parent and y'all y'all different. With the grandkids it's a little different, with that being said anyway, so throughout life, you know, there's growth and development, there's changes, there's attitudes. We all evolve from somewhere, right.
Speaker 1:There's a couple things I wanted to talk about tonight Just to start off the new year. There's a couple exciting things that's going on with the podcast. This year we are definitely taking it up a notch, keeping up to a notch, going another level, and we're going to be out there. You know we're going to be your most platforms, podcast platforms, which I'm excited for. And then also, we have some exciting guests that are coming on. You thought we had guests last, last year. We've had great phenomenal guests last year, but this year is even we're going a little bit deeper, taking it to another level because, again, the whole concept of parenting with the purpose is Bringing back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back in the parenting, and that comes in everything. Right. That is really holistic parenting. So we're going to have a lot of things on here that helps families holistically, right.
Speaker 1:We're going to be talking about nutrition. We're going to be talking about undoing some things. We're going to be talking about undoing some things with our children that we imparted into them because that's what we learned. We're going to be talking about that. We're going to be talking about how how can we raise successful children, right? We're going to be talking about the vision for parents and the vision for our family. We're going to be talking about life insurance, how to make sure that your kids are well taken care of once you leave, or even if something Terrible happen to your child, like you're able to even give them a proper Going away service just things that we don't really talk about in the community, because but it's real we know that things are happening at the blink of an eye, right, and we always want to be prepared. So there's so many different times. We're going to be talking about nutrition. What is it and how is it that we're going to feed our family, right? You know the economy that the food is, the prices of food has gone up and I know if you think about it. I wasn't back in a day, but I remember when people say bread was 10 cent right, bread was sent. So I'm from a generation I remember gas was 99 cent, right, growing up, a gas was 99 cent. Now we up to $4 in gas. So there's just over time, things have changed and we have to adjust our budgets or figure out a smarter, better and more efficient way to feed our family and keeping it, keeping them healthy, you know, not not killing them all so that we have to use this life insurance today. Right, there's different things that we have to do, so there's so many different topics that we're going to be talking about on the show that I'm excited for, but tonight we're going to get off and we're going to talk about Some different ways to be effective in parenting, right, some different strategies or techniques or Different behaviors, I would say, or characteristics as a parent we should carry so that we can parent effectively, right? So I got my little cheat notes here, y'all, because you know I gotta write them down. I want to make sure I get you all some good stuff, right? So the first thing I think when I think about parenting and how to be an effective parent, right, to be efficient and effective, right. One of the things that, as I talked about earlier, is we're got it. We need to be adaptable. Right, we need to have adaptability, and being adaptable is really just adjusting to new change, right, addressing to new times and society, and that's adjusting to the new way children think, right? Not saying that you know all that is Take away from your parents and or your desire to make sure that you raise your children properly. I'm just saying that we need to adjust to some things because, again, like I said earlier, things aren't the same as when we grew up or even, honestly, things aren't the same as last year, you know, or even a couple years ago when COVID came through. We had to do, we had to really be adaptable. Right, we had to do some changes and some of them changes was very uncomfortable. If you're a parent and you used to going outside of the house to work and then you had to work inside the house. If you, if you still was able to keep your job right, and then you had to work inside the house, and then your, your students, your children, are used to going to school and now they're in the house with you, so you're trying to work from home, and then you're also trying to Help your children, because now they're with you all day, so they still need your attention as well. Right, and they are. They were entering something new as well, but they had to adjust to, they had to adapt to, which was they was using social media but they weren't using for the the way that for school, right, they weren't using. Where they now talking to their teacher through a computer, we don't do that. That's haven't been done really here. There are some private institutions that kind of do that a little bit, but not for kids, right? Not for our young kids, who it's very hard to even keep their attention, right. So technology had to come into play. So you had to adjust yourself of how okay, how am I going to parent, right, how I'm going to work in the house, how I'm going parent the children, my children, and Be able to still get a break too. Right, because the kids need a break. You need a break. You're there all day. Now, I know it's probably might sound a little crazy or something like who doesn't want to be around their kids all day? Right, who doesn't want to? That's what we are with parents. However, I don't think our kids want to be around us all day, you know. I think school is a break for them, schools a break for us, where they get to learn some things. They get to Get some social skills, they get to hear from other authority figures right, so that they can be well rounded and well adjusted, because we don't want kids that only respect us and listen to us and not able to have those skills to Be able to listen to other people. So we had to do some adjustments, we had to adapt right, it wasn't comfortable, and not only that, we had to adapt to the fact that, not only that, they were there, was it all day, but they couldn't even go to anywhere, they couldn't go outside, they couldn't play with their friends, they, we really didn't connect with our friends. We did learn how to do that through social media right, but it wasn't an ideal situation for growth and development For parents or children right, and there are things that we needed and that we did not have, so there was a deficiency in it. And now that we're dealing, now that we're coming out of COVID but kind of going back into a little bit, but we've learned how to adjust and adapt to able to take them back outside and go back into the schools right, but now that, with that they're, we're dealing with so many social issues Right, because they weren't able to Socialize with their peers, socialize with their other authority figures. So there are some adjustment. That happened years ago and now that we're coming out of it we still have to do some adjustments. So our kids are definitely different. So, as a parent, you know the environment definitely changed, but that doesn't change your parenting right, that doesn't change who you are. Your core values still has to be the same. However, we have to be able to adjust or adapt to new environments and even just in order to thrive, to even to grow in development, you change has to happen. Didn't want change through COVID like that, but however, that's the hand we were dealt and we have to make sure that we can do it effectively, efficiently, right? So one of the things right down on your list is to be adapt, to be able to adapt, having that adaptability so that we can change, you be able to adjust the change in new environments. The other thing this is one that I have, this conversation I have with my kids all the time right, it talks about respect. Now, remember, these are the what I wrote and what I researched and read over time and just talked to other parents about. What does it take to really be effective in parenting, right? And so the Gs are just some of this stuff you can write down, you can research yourself. Just even when you research, just some of the words themselves kind of gives you an idea of how you can relate that into parenting. So we're talking about respect. Now, again, I'm from old school, right, not that old, but I'm from old school where you know they said parents, children, have to respect their parents, but parents doesn't necessarily have to respect their children, right? I think that because of the authority, we kind of looked at it like listen, you're gonna listen to what I said, you're gonna honor what I said, you're gonna respect me. But I think that over time we have forgotten that our children are human too and that they deserve respect. So I think, you know, respect really means deep admiration, right? Respect means that I admire you, or I honor you, or I put you to like a higher extent, like I'm going to. I feel like respect is something that a lot of people say. Respect is earned, it's not given. But I think that, at least for me, you ain't gotta do this, but for me I feel like if I'm giving you respect, eventually that respect will turn around towards me too. Like we want our children to respect us but we don't wanna respect our children. That doesn't even sound like sound, right? It's like I'm gonna tell you what to do and I'm gonna disrespect you, call you names, push you, do whatever I wanna do to you as if you're not human. We dehumanize our children sometime and we expect our children to respect us or don't dehumanize us or don't look at us as the way that we wanna be looked at. So I think respect really does have to be on both sides is like I'm respecting you and you're respecting me, so that they understand that we love them, we care for them, we admire you Like you are valuable to me, you are important. I admire you like I'm not just saying that because I'm your mom, but I love you, I generally love you, and if you love someone you're gonna respect them, right? I think kids really look at respect, love and respect kinda in the same thing, because you can't tell me that you love me but yet you're disrespecting me all the time. You're not allowing me to have a voice. You're not even speaking positive, honest, good conversations, like you're talking at me, not to me. You're not really engaging in conversation. You're doing more of a dictatorship type of parenting and that's not good because that's teaching our children. Because, remember, whatever we teach our children, whatever we display, whatever we show, our kids will emulate that. And if we're not doing it in the right way because, again, they have to grow up and they have to become parents and they're gonna be adults in this society as well. So our home is the training ground for that. So how we teach our children, how we treat our children, really is going to show how they it's gonna show up on how they treat other people. Right. Think about it. If you got a kid, that's bullying, right, and you're wondering why is this kid bullying? Why is this kid wanna be so aggressive? Or why is this child want to be in control of everything? Think about what was going on at the house. There's some, not all, instances, but more likely it is the not that the reason why they may be bullying is because they might even be bullied by their parent at home. And I know it sounds crazy or ridiculous. How can a parent bully? But yeah, talking to that kid disrespectful, talking down on that kid, even physical violence towards that kid that is all forms of bullying. So because that child does not have a voice at home and because that child is being treated this way, they then take that into school, right? And they take it into school and they begin to bully other kids, right? Or the other flip side of it is that they allow themselves to be bullied because this is what they're receiving at home. So there's two slides to that bullying. You have the person who's bullying and the person who's willing to accept the bullying because of what they're experiencing in their own life. So that's why we have to respect our kids, so that they able to respect themselves and able to give respect to those who are out in the world as well. Right? So that's respect, all right. Another word being intentional, intentionality, right, being intentional. So we just talked about this respect, right? So being intentional with our thoughts and our words, like, really think about what you're thinking about before you even speak it. You know there's a scripture that always says slow to speak, quick to listen, meaning that, excuse me that you hear a thing before you make a comment about it, and that goes all back to the seek first to understand, versus to be understood, model philosophy that I have, that I can hear you before I even respond before I even think about a response, right? So I have to be intentional with my words, my actions, my own thought patterns, right? Because if I'm intentional with that, that means that it's gonna come out in a positive way. It's gonna come out in a more receiving way, because you're not just going off the chart, right? You're not just going off Like, for example, ooh, I did y'all, I told y'all before I went off. As a parent, I went off. Let me tell you what happened on the break. I'ma be real, i'ma be honest, to transparent. Listen, I was having a hard time, man. I was like my kids are teenagers three youngest ones, I keep telling y'all, three youngest ones and they're now 15, two 15 years and 17 years. And for the life of me, I can't understand how you can clean up after yourself Like. I don't understand if I taught you and if you're emulating me, right, I clean up after myself. But I can't understand how I did my deep cleaning of the house, right, I did the deep cleaning and everything was in this place. The cabinets were clean, the refrigerator's clean, everything was organized clean, just the way I like it, right. And within five minutes they come into the house. The house was like an earthquake, a tornado hit. I couldn't understand. I went off. I couldn't understand. I was caught. I told them they were disrespectful, they had to treat me like that. I literally had a dark temperature and, I'm not gonna lie, I started throwing the stuff on the floor. And it's crazy because I remember growing up. I remember when my mom used to snap out right, it was some physical stuff with that, but she used to snap out and she used to throw stuff out Every dish. If there was one dish dirty in the sink, she would throw every dish out of the sink. Like you, like my hard work. But I felt in that moment when my kids was, oh, when my kids made my house as if a tornado or a hurricane, ick or Mike or whoever came through, ran me through my house and was looking for something. Okay, I snapped out. So they had things that was not in order. So they had, like, food on the counter, they had a dirty pot on there and like I woke up to this right, and I was so hurt but I was so upset and I was so angry that I felt like it was disrespectful for them to treat the house that I clean hard work that I didn't even mess up right. So I got so upset. I woke them all up right, but I started throwing pots of beans around the kitchen. Y'all. I'm telling you I was so mad, like I mean, I wasn't gonna harm my kids, but I wanted them to hear the fire, I wanted them to hear the rage from me. I'm downstairs screaming. I can't believe y'all left this house like that. Why would y'all disrespect me? I'm not gonna call y'all lazy, but y'all have some lazy behavior, like I literally was so upset and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't like degrading them or speaking bad about them, but I wanted them to know that I was mad. So I started throwing pots and pans around. They started getting up. What's going on? They ain't know what's going on and I was just like just yelling at the top of my lungs and they were looking at me like I had 15 hits. I probably did look like I had 15 hits at the time because I felt like I had 15 hits. You know, I probably did All that was coming out right and I was so upset. But after, after I woke them up and they were downstairs and they seen my rage, I went upstairs and took a deep breath and I was like yo, how you feeling now? I felt terrible because I lost it y'all. I lost control. Now, I didn't do anything harmful for them and I made sure that, even with me being upset, my words were not harmful. At least my intention was not harmful, right, my intention of my words. I was very strategic of what I was saying. You know, when I was telling my son, listen, I'm not. I kept saying this y'all, I'm not calling you lazy, I'm saying you've got lazy behavior. Why is your behavior so lazy, right? So I don't know if that makes it even better that I didn't call him lazy, or I don't know, but I don't know if I fumbled that situation. But what I'm saying is that it's moments like that will make you really wanna pull your hair out, really wanna just feel like, and you gotta think, think, you gotta think. You gotta be slow to anger. Right, you have to be slow to anger because, remember, you know, there is an old saying that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt. That is a lie, because words hurt, words hurt almost. Your bruises, your bones, they can recover, right, but the words, that. The words leave a scar that is forever there. So it's very important for us to be intentional of how we speak to our kids, how we respond to them and how our behavior is. I'm telling you, I knew I was out of pocket. I knew I was out of pocket, I felt out of pocket. I'm telling you, I knew it. I mean, when I threw the pot on the floor, it scared me. The dog ran. I didn't know what was going on, but I literally was having a dog-tem potential. And then what I did though because I knew my behavior was not that of upstanding, and I don't want my kids to emulate that. Once I went upstairs and I had my deep breath and I prayed to God, and I was like God, these are your kids. Tell me what to do with them. Just like you help Moses, just like you help Noah I start naming everybody in the Bible you help all of them with these people. Okay, so can you help me? And I went back downstairs and I apologized. I apologized, I told them. Now, I'm not apologizing for being upset, because I have a right to feel upset, but what I am apologizing is how I displayed my anger. How I display my anger because I don't want my children to display their anger like that. I don't want them to be popping off because something or somebody did something displeasing to them or they felt that they were disrespected. Because reality is like, you're gonna feel like you're disrespected a lot in this world. Not everybody's gonna respect you, not everybody's gonna honor you, right? So if I'm teaching my children of how to handle that again, or a homeless train of ground, so if I'm teaching them how to handle an unpleasant situation, or if the situation when you feel disrespected, you gotta, as a parent, take a slice of humble pie. I had to humble myself and apologize and my kid said something to me that was very important. The 17-year-old was like why are you apologizing? You have every right to be upset. I understand, but I'm apologizing because the way I display my behavior, that is why I'm apologizing. So when I talk about being intentional, we have to be intentional of our thoughts, intentional of our words, our attitudes, because we, again, we don't want to damage our children and we don't want that kind of damage to come from us, right. We don't want, as a parent, to damage your child in that way where, when they go out in the world one, they start to accept that type of behavior from someone else. Two, they start to emulate that behavior. So, either way, that's not good, right? So there's always two sides to a coin either they're going to emulate it or they're going to start accepting it, and we don't want that because we want them to be honored and respected at all times as well. So be intentional of what we're doing. Another, this one right here yeah, I'm gonna scratch my head on that. One steadfast love, steadfast love. You're thinking what is steadfast love? I know what steadfast means, I know what love, so put those together. Steadfast love, meaning that my love doesn't change. My love is unmovable, right? Immovable, your situation in circus, as it does not change my love. That does not move my love from the way that, the foundation of it for you, right? Nothing that you can do can change the way that I love you. Now, there's things that you could do make me not like you in that moment, but there is nothing that can change the way that I love you. So we have to be. You know, when we think about love, it's intimacy, it's passion, it's commitment, love is protection, love is affection, right? So if we're steadfast, those things don't change because of the situation. The only thing, the only time those things should change is when we're doing it at a greater level because of the situation. Because you did this does not mean I pull my love back, right, because then again we talk about our children emulating, and there's two sides to that. Either they're gonna behave like we're doing, thinking that love is actually a give and take, or they're gonna start receiving love as a give and take. So we don't want them to either behave that way or even receive that type of behavior, or at least have the standards to know that behavior is not for me, because, remember, we're raising our children. They're gonna be adults. Like they're going to be adults there's nothing you can do about it. Like they're going to grow up. They're gonna leave your house. The hope is that they go leave your house and become successful, right. In order for that, we really these are just tools of how we, as parents, really set the standards, set the bar right. So steadfast love, like. I think that is so. When I was thinking about steadfast, I was like okay, steadfast, like your love cannot change and you have to allow your children to understand that your love doesn't change based upon what they do right? God, love doesn't change for us based upon what we do. So we cannot do that to our children and also let them know that their love for us shouldn't change based upon what we do. For example, christmas is just here. So if you were a parent who's always used to giving your kids stuff and they tie giving and love together, or material things and love together, and at a time you weren't able to do it for whatever reason, and then they decide that they want to pull their love back from you because you couldn't give them A, b and C, and that's because that's something that they're learning that love. They're learning that love is a give or take, like that, and we have to teach them. No, love is steadfast. We don't have to move away from the love Now. We don't like every situation in circumstances. We don't. We don't. However, the love of it should never change the love of our children and our children. Love for us should never change at all. If anything, if the change for us, I believe it's at a greater level, a deeper level, a deeper intimacy, and a lot of times that deeper intimacy is as they grow and become an adult, because you're so busy raising them, that you're trying to get them to get you to do that, and sometimes we can't get that deep desire, intimacy like we want because of we're trying to have that line where we're making sure that everything is done well and then sometimes we drop the ball, we fumble a little bit because you know, life, be life out here, and I understand Another one is like boundaries, right, that's another word that I understand and I understand that boundaries, right, sometimes, at least for me and talking to other people we always think about replacing a boundary so that somebody doesn't hurt us or somebody doesn't enter into our space or we don't allow people to take us there, or something like you have boundaries, but there's also boundaries just for yourself, right? Because a lot of times boundaries is based on what about someone else, what they do or what they can't do, what we want to allow, what we want to allow, but boundaries also about what I said, what we would allow ourselves to do. Have boundaries around our kids, but not to the fact, to the point where it limits them of being children. It limits them of being human. I think we dehumanize our children so much sometimes that we forget listen, they're human too. So if we have boundaries, not just, hey, this is a boundary, you don't do A, b and C, but also this is a boundary for myself, that I won't allow myself to act A, b and C or I'll allow you to some space to be able to grow right. One of the words that literally is just been on my heart for literally probably over a year is grace. Given our children grace right Because, again, they. I think, if we understand that children are growing and they are developing, children are growing and they are developing. They are I'm gonna say it again for the people in the back children are growing and developing. So we have to give them some grace to do that, give them some grace and space to do it. We don't want and I think I said this on my show before about I remember my oldest daughter told me like mom, you live a personal lifestyle. We don't want to raise children in our porcelain. We don't want to raise statues. We don't want to raise children that only act a certain way in front of people I'm not talking about like the professionalism, honor, respect of how you act, but really their character, right Of who they are as a person. You know, like not acting one way in church. I had this conversation with my bonus mom today about really acting one way in church, one way at school, one way at the job and then one way at home. That's giving mixed signals to our children, right? So, even allowing them to just have the freedom to be who they are and give them the grace to grow, because it's growth and development and, as you know, we are adults and we're still growing and development, like I feel, like you never stop growing, you never stop development, you never stop evolving. So if we want people to give us space and grace to do that, we must give that to our children and letting them know listen, I don't have to jump on everything that you do wrong or what I would appear to be wrong or what I perceive it to be wrong, right Again, because sometimes I don't know what they be thinking, sometimes I don't know what they be thinking, but if I jump on them for everything they do, they will never think that they do anything right. So, giving them that grace, you don't have to correct every mistake. Honestly, my kids be telling me when they make mistakes, they be like listen, I did this, I fumble this, I did that. And I didn't even have to say something Like if I, if they do something, I'll look at, especially the 17 year old, because she's so in tune with herself that if she does something wrong and I just look and she'd be like I already know, tt, I already know, I'm, yeah, I already know and I don't even have to say anything. So it's just times where giving them that grace and that space to be able to grow and develop and and, um, to fail, right, because I think that we look at failure as such a negative thing, because failure has always had a negative connotation behind him. But how do you know? Like you, that's risk in life. Right, you need to be able to take risks. Our kids take risks, like, if I want to do something and I don't do it, well, not necessarily that I fell that it, but I just learned how to do it a better way. So that's what happened with our kids. Sometimes things happen and it is how to learn how to do it differently and they have to learn from their experiences, just like we do. I'm still learning as a parent. I'm kind of coming out the this, uh, the raising part of my children because they're older and are going into a young adult, early adulthood, so I'm kind of coming out of the raising stuff, but that doesn't mean I'm not, I'm going to be a parent forever, right. So there's still things that I'm going to be able to teach them just in a different way now, right, um, another word that we're going to be talking about is forgiveness. Again, basically, that's kind of still around grace, right. We're giving them the space, giving them grace for the space, right. And then we're also forgiving them for things that we didn't feel like they should have done. Or I think forgiveness goes two ways, right. If we practice forgiveness for our children, they then again emulate practice forgiveness for us, because we don't get it right all the time, right? Just the fact that when I was throwing a pot, some pans around was flipping out, they were able to forgive me. Why? Because I forgive them for things that they do. I feel like I need to be a little bit more forgiving because I'm like so strict sometimes on different things, I feel like sometimes I need a little bit more forgiving. So that's what I say. So, as parents, we have to really be forgiving so that our children can emulate that. So our children again, we want our children to really be out in this world and doing their thing right. We don't want them to have any animosity around people. We don't want them to be aggressive, we don't want them to just like stretched out in the world it's cable on top of here. We want them to have peace, love, kindness, like all these things. So if we do that in the home, train, the ground, they then can emulate that into the world. And the last thing I'll talk about is gratitude right, Gratitude, having the attitude of gratitude. I appreciate you, I love you, not just because you're my child, but I am grateful the fact that you are you. I'm grateful for the things that you do, I'm grateful for the things that you say. I'm grateful for you as being a human. I'm grateful for the things that you've grew through and you develop some other things Like, I'm grateful for you. And as we show our kids that we're grateful for them not oh, I'm only doing this because you're my kid situation, not oh, I'm the mom, so I'm just I gotta provide this or I gotta do this, like that whole negative connotation mindset we, I just want us to get away from it. We're doing positive stuff right. So if we're showing our kids like I really appreciate you, I honor you, I love you for you being you. I'm grateful for you, without you having to do A, b and C, because then they will be grateful for us if we didn't do this or we didn't do that, just being us right. So that's what we need to really show our children how to be grateful. And, honestly, all these things I'm gonna go back on the list all these things that I talked about tonight is literally holistic living, how to really exemplify the things that we want our children to be right. If you've never seen it, you don't know how to do it right? If you've never seen it, you're not familiar with it. It's not familiar, it's foreign to you, right? And let me tell you something if we don't close our kids with this type of stuff when they go out on the streets, oh, the world's gonna show them something. The world's gonna close them with whatever they can attach to them, whatever they can attach to them good, bad or different. And because they're not familiar with these things, if we're not doing that in our house, they're gonna fall for anything. So, if they don't stand for something you know the old saying if you don't stand for something, you're gonna fall for everything, not just anything, everything. And we don't want our kids falling in a trap of nothing. So we have to, as parents, really be intentional. So, again, we need to be able to adapt to new situations, circumstances and I'm not saying and adapting is not being weak, it is more understanding of the new situation, circumstances and how can we best operate in this right. And then we have to respect our children. We have to be intentional with our thoughts, our words and our attitudes. We have to have that steadfast faith I mean sorry faith, I'm always talking about faith, right that steadfast love that is warm, playful, intimate, you know, passionate. We have to have that steadfast love. That love doesn't change. We need to set boundaries for our children and ourselves. We need to give them grace, we need to have forgiveness and we need to have gratitude. So there are just some things that, throughout my years of parenting and coaching other parents and just having a conversation with children, just some things that they desire, because the number one thing that I hear a lot is respect. I remember having a conversation with my kids and they were talking about respect and they were almost like they were to me, the way I perceived it at the time was that they thought we was on an even playing field. They thought that they could say stuff and like it was just a whole thing of. They want to be heard and they want to be respected and they don't want to be talked at, they want to be talked to, and this is them in their older years, as teenagers, not as young kids. You know, this is not the language of young kids. This is a language of I'm about to get up out your house and I need to be able to really know what it is to be respected. I feel like that's where it was going. So there you have it. Tonight was a great show. Again, tune in every Thursday because we have some dynamic guests coming on. So next week we are having we're gonna be talking about vision writing a vision for your family, writing a vision for parenting. You know what is your vision in parenting? How do you want to parent, what is the outcome that you want and what are the steps that you're gonna take to make this thing happen. Because a vision, if it's just in your head, it's just a wish I wish I'd be a good parent, I wish this or I wish that. But a vision is actually something that you write down and that you can constantly go back to it and read it when things go a little chaos, because, again, parenting is not for the week. I keep telling y'all and sometimes we go straight even at parenting. But if I have my vision down, what my vision is in parenting and what my vision is for my household, I can always go back and read it and remind myself this is girl, you better stay as fast, be unmovable, because you in it to win it right. So if I constantly just have it in my head, it's just in my head, it's just I wish something. But actually having it written down and coming up with a plan, everything is a plan. Though when you think, oh, I'm not gonna get on to it because we're gonna talk about it next week, but I'm just saying everything in life we really have to have a plan of how we're gonna execute it right. So join us next week, thursday 7 pm for parenting with a purpose, and remember the mission, the vision, the goal of parenting with purpose is to bring back the responsibility, nobility and beauty back into parenting. And remember parenting you are, I am the bulls and our children are the arrows and they will land. Trust me and believe, if you ask anybody who is like 70, 80, who got kids that are 50, 40, they will let you know their children will land exactly where you aim them eventually, and that they have a process and they have a journey. So thank you for tuning in to Parental with a Purpose.